When Naaz met Dev - Part 2

I couldn't sleep that night. I was in no mood to answer Bhargavi's call either.
'3 missed calls' I read
Let that be...
I just couldnt stop thinking about Dev...he was not exceptionally good looking, he didn't have silky black hair or a fair complexion... nothing about him was mind blowing... but he stole my heart
he had the most capturing smile I had ever seen in my life... soft and deep, he had the best dimples in the whole wide world, one on each cheek. It blew me away. I don't remember anything of him except for those little dimples on his cheeks... I got up from my bed and looked at myself in the mirror... and smiled, no dimple...
I put more pressure into my smile... still no signs of a dimple...
I tried harder and harder till my cheeks hurt and my lips turned pale... and I gave up!
sigh, guess you have to be born with it.
my phone sounded just then and with that it fell on the ground.
damn you vibration mode.
'1 new message' it read
Naaz stop thinking about Dev and call me back

'What the hell is it Bhargavi?'
"Yeah you're annoyed that I knew what you were upto."
'Yes precisely. WTH! OK tell me what's up?'
"You wanna go to IIT tomorrow?"
'No' I said but my heart yearned to meet him once again
"Of course you want to. Stop pretending. Let's go tomorrow too. We will rot at home otherwise."
'I'm not sure man'
"OK you think about it. Tomorrow there's going to be a light music event and your dream boy is going on stage. Bye."
'WHAT?!!'
No response
'Hello? Hey I'm coming.... we're going... hey...'
I messaged her back.

I couldnt contain my feelings anymore... the very fact that I was going to see him again drove me crazy... I saw myself smiling again, but again there was no sign of a bloody dimple.

I dont remember when I fell asleep but I woke up at 6. 6 AM! I had never seen day at this time ever in my life before.
"Today there's going to heavy rainfall , thanks to you Naani" my mum spoke with glee.
'sad joke mum. where's dadu?'
"Morning walk. Nathan's gone with him too. Plan on joining them?"
'You think? I'll sit on this swing instead.'
"Lazy butt. Go brush and freshen up."
'ya ya ya. You go na mum. let me be.'
she gave me one knock on the head and walked off.
'Ahhhh... mum... you're such a kid.'
"with you monkeys around... what do you expect me to be?" she spoke as she entered the kitchen
I loved my mum for her child like heart. She always treated me like her friend and I never hid anything from her as though she was my gossip mate of sorts.
"Mr. Zachariah. I think there is going to be heavy rain today. I see the cause sitting right in front of me" spoke Nathan
"I have to agree my son. Your sister has stirred a storm by waking up so early. Are you alright Naani?"
'Dadu you too? Nathan I understand is retarded but you too? che che... what a shame!'
"You dont call me retarded you mother of retard society"
"Ok stop it you both." my dad spoke "tell me child, how did you wake up this early? are you alright?"
'Yes dadu. I am' I spoke hugging my dad who had started resembling a panda bear.
"She must be in love" Nathan spoke hurriedly and gave me a knock on the head.
I was petrified. I had not even started behaving like I was in love and this guy speaks my head.
"If Naani ever falls in love, she'll get him introduced to mum and me first, won't you Naani?"
'Yes dadu. I will.'
"Come let's eat."
"Go wash first. Dirty boys." Mrs. Sarah Zachariah, my mum, ordered.

I was having my last Dosa when Bhargavi entered.
"Come in Bhargavi. Join us for breakfast."
"Thank aunty. I'll just have juice."
'I quickly poured some mango juice into my glass, leaving her very little but just enough.'
"Naaz you freak." Nathan jolted
'I love mango juice ok? Bhargavi knows it too.'
"Yes I do. this will do for me. thanks Naaz" she glared

I got dressed shortly and left to IIT with Bhargavi.

"Only you like mango juice? I like it too. You glutton."
'I don't care man. I love it more than you do. Everybody knows that.'
"How mean"
'tell me one thing...what are your thoughts on love?'
"waste of time and energy and money and friends and"
'OK that's enough.'
"Ok"

May be Bhargavi was right. Falling in love would mean losing your friends, your time, your energy, your concentration... but who is she to talk? She was not in love... how could she testify against it even without experiencing it?

'Erm Bhargavi I didn't bring my ID card today too.'
"No issues. Today IIT is open to all absent minded people like you."
'Ya right.'
"Let's head to the OAT, that's where the show's supposed to happen"
'Begin. Not happen.'
"STOP CORRECTING MY GRAMMAR" she screamed.

I couldn't hear anything for the next 5 mins.

We squeezed ourselves through the crowd and somehow made it to the front row. The MC announced the participating colleges and when she said 'Vincent De Paul' My heart skipped a beat. I was beginning to feel funny. Bhargavi nudged me and winked. I grew pink in tension.
After a long and anxious wait, Vincent De Paul came on stage. I saw him. Again. And I was almost about to faint. Standing right in front was not a good idea after all. He always looked at the last few rows. He was holding his guitar like he was holding a precious little piece of property. I wished I was the guitar.
"Let's wave at him."
'Are you mad?'
But she was already waving at him. Some guy behind Dev smiled back at Bhargavi.
"Yuck! Why is he smiling at me?"
I laughed out loud.
'you guys will look so cute together' I laughed
"enough. your man is staring at you."
My heart stopped beating. I looked at him and yes, he was staring at me.
shucks he thinks I am laughing at him or something.
Oh gosh... ermm... I tried smiling at him... he looked away
I was feeling so uncomfortable, I wanted to run away...
I looked at him again but he was smiling at the crowd behind... like I did not exist in the crowd... his performance was done and as he walked off the stage he did not even turn and look at me once...
'Am I invisible? Or am I ugly?'
"Invisible I'm sure you're not... ugly... hmm may be" Bhargavi joked
with that whatever little tear was beginning to form also vanished...
'OK let's go. I'm not liking it here.'
"You go. I'm here!"
just then some guy pushed me as he made his way through the crowd and stood right in front of me. I recognized the head. The shirt. The physique.
He turned back and smiled.
DEV!

May be Bhargavi was right. Love makes you lose... I lost myself.

when Naaz met Dev

'What's taking you so long man Naaz, you moron?' Bhargavi screamed
"I'm coming... coming... coming..."
I ran down quickly with earrings in one hand, watch in my mouth and floaters in the other hand.
'What the hell are you wearing?'
"Why what's wrong with this Kurti?"
'Can't you wear something called a t-shirt? we're going to a rock concert for goodness sake!'
"I can't 'dress up' to see some stupid guys sing..."
'Stupid guys? What's wrong with you? It's IIT man... stupid guys don't exist there!'
"I don't care. I'm wearing this. It's final!"
'ok whatever. you cant ask a donkey to sing!'
"Yeah, because you can't speak their language"
'OMG I can't even laugh for this poor joke. Ok you want to take the merc or the corolla?'
"Well from what I can make out from a Honda Activa and a Kinetic Honda parked right in front of us, I'll say let's take the Honda Activa!"
'Ok merc is it!'
"Yeah our super merc machaa. Let's go."

The show was to begin at 6 ish. We started from my place at 4 sharp. On a Sunday the roads are usually empty, but knowing Bhargavi's riding skills, we chose to not take a risk.

"Bhargavi do you really like rock?"
'huh you think?'
"then why the hell are we going to IIT?"
'Guys. Hot. cute. Lots of them.'
"OMG. Not again. What's the point man. You'll look at them. No one will look at us."
'Ayee shaadappp' I was interrupted
"Ok they might look at you and then? you'll look. that's it! and then we'll get back home and talk about them. Arre they wont even realize we are exist on this planet!"
'What a waste load on earth you are Naaz. I'll tell you today you'll meet your man.'
"My man is invisible man. Doesn't exist."

We reached IIT at 5:30 PM. the place was jam packed...I'm sure I've never seen so many guys all together in one place ever in my life. It was like I was standing in a Savannah grassland, except the grass were guys. And Bhargavi was right. They were hot and cute.

"IIT rocks" I thought.
'Naaz..?'
"Yes Bhargavi. I like it. Let's go."
'What? stupid girl. we have to show our ID card in order to enter.'
"WHAT? I don't have mine!" I almost screamed.
'OMG Naaz. why do you always do this man?'
"What? I didnt do it on purpose. I tend to forget. I'm human.."
'That I know... oh shucks, we're in a mess man...'
"I'm so sorry man..." I was almost in tears. I didnt even get to see one guy up close.

'Excuse me? Are you planning on standing here forever or will you move?' A strong musk scented guy spoke.
'I'm sorry. Please go ahead.' Bhargavi spoke irritatedly.

But I kept still. I didn't move. I saw him and I knew. Bhargavi rudely pulled me away.
'What a mean guy.' she spoke.
No he's so cute
Anyway that's not the point. How the hell do we get in?'
"I'll ask him..."
'Are you mad? What will you ask him?'

I couldn't hear her anymore... I was walking towards my man.

"I want to go in..." I spoke...
'Yeah so go. Why you telling me that?'
"Huh? I want to go in with you..." I smiled...
'Are you nuts?' he asked me almost shaking me...
"Yikes! why are you staring into my eyes? where is bhargavi?"
'Girl... you need help!'
"Yes... I'm lost!"I smiled again...
'But your friend's right there' he pointed
Bhargavi stood there hitting her head hard against the tree. I was probably in a trance.

"Ok mister... I just spaced out ok? You don't have to act too smart. I don't have my ID card and I also want to watch the show. Ok? Ok? Ok?"
'Ok listen, just walk in with me... I'm a participant here. So I get to stay in campus and I'm allowed to bring in visitors. I'll tell him you're my friend and you can get in. is that fine?'
That is very wonderful my loverly man...
"Yes yes yes... that'd be great... super awesome... OMG... that's so sweet"
'Ok hold on...'
He spoke to the security at the gate and he gestured me to stand next to him. He smelled fresh. I was beginning to lose my self again...
'Dev Mathew' he said..
"Naaz Zachariah" I held out my hand
But he was looking at the security guy. What a fool I was. He was filling in details about himself at the gate.
Dev Mathew I thought...

'Hey...'
Dev Mathew and Naaz Zachariah... Nah, Naaz Dev sounds good... better Naaz Dev Mathew sounds nice... Dev... Dev...
'HEY...'
"huh? Oh I'm sorry... I was.. I was..."
'Not an issue... come on in... let's get inside!'
"Where is Bhargavi?"
'She's coming right behind you.'
"Thank you Dev."
'You're welcome Miss?'
"Naaz. Naaz Zachariah"
'Well it's to meet you Naaz. You're inside IIT. Have fun.'
You're leaving?
Don't leave... Please... please...
'Hmmm I should be going now...'
Noooooooooo.... nahiiiiiiiii...........

'Hey there, thanks a ton for the help.' Bhargavi spoke
'Chill. My pleasure. Take care of your friend.'
I want you to take care of me...
'Yes I will. Hey, which college?'
'Vincent De Paul. and you?'
'Oh we're from St. Clare's'
'Awesome. Hey I should be going now... Gotta practice...'
'Bye Dev.'
'Bye Bhargavi.'
He looked at me sweetly and spoke softly, as though I was a retarded kid...
'Bye Naaz'
but he winked...

No byes for us Dev...

'Let's go now Naaz... we're late!'

I turned back one last time... he was walking away... slowly...and suddenly he turned back too...

this time I winked back!

who says you can't have a party without alcohol? who says you can't have fun if you don't bring in hot guys home? who says every post needs a title! :P


Ok, the point is I had a party at home sans liquor, sans guys and sans 'adult fun' and guess what, it was super fun! I had a Christmas Tree Decoration party at home and I saw all the 21+s become kids again! It was awesome... we played games like drawing with the paper on your head, blowing candles blindfolded, bluff and other crazy games... and then we had lot of food and of course, we decorated the tree.

My hands are aching all of a sudden ( no idea why) so, I'll just show you how my tree looks!

what do you call that?

when I was in Hyderabad, I'd keep comparing the place with Chennai and crib about hyd not having this-and-that and all that...when I'd talk to someone about Chennai and hyd I'd tell them how much I miss hyd not having a beach... I'd tell them stuff about how much fun it is to go to the beach and walk and play and eat at the beach... I'd laugh at Hussain Sagar lake and tell myself, 'thu, ithu ellam oru water body' (translates into: they call this a water body?)
its been over 6 months since I got back to Chennai, and its shocking how I have never been to the beach once! not even once!
I mean, if I was raving about it so much and if I was an acting ambassador for marina beach, then the first thing I should have done after landing here, was to make a visit to the beach, which I obviously didn't!
for that matter, I don't even go to church these days (I SHOULD BE ASHAMED!)
hmmm... may be it has to do with the fact that I don't have company... or may be that I'm lazy or may be I'm too engrossed with college or may be because I'm not 'that' crazy about the beach after all...
I was probably just trying to create a reason for not liking hyd!

we move on...

whether good or bad... somehow we do move on in life... 'just because' people died in Mumbai we don't quit work and become a social activist... 'just because' all this happened we don't stop watching serials on T.V or stop eating junk or crack jokes or party... yes we lit some candles and 'they' condemned these acts... yawn... sadly enough, all this fire burns out in less than a month... because we move on...

'cos we have to!

even the bereaved family moves on... it probably just takes a little longer for them... I don't know if it is the beauty or tragedy of life... but the truth is we all move on in life, of course sometimes it hurts... may be 'cos the wound is only 'just drying'... I know it's nothing new...

but it does fascinate me... it's like regeneration in certain animals... when we lose some bonds, we do try to create another bond to compensate... consciously or unconsciously...

may be it's a beautiful truth.

Horror...

This post is about the Mumbai blasts - well not exactly going into details - cos I suck at writing such things - well, whatever.

So, on a Wednesday, I stayed up till 3 A.M waiting for a very scary scene to end but it never did... it went on and on... if not for some trashing from my mother I would have stayed up longer...
Due to the rains here I didn't have work next day, so I promptly switched the T.V on, hoping the scene had ended, but to my horror, it was still there...
clearly, this has been the worst terror attack on Mumbai... It has been creeping me out... so much that I even got scared to go out for my walks...
On live coverage, I saw Hemant Karkare get out of his car, try on an ill-fitting helmet, wear a bullet proof jacket and then I thought to myself nothing is going to happen to him 'cos he is well geared and I switched to another news channel, and minutes later when I got back to this channel, I read 'ATS chief Hemant Karkare killed in encounter'... see, only after this did I realize the gravity of the situation... it must have been hell for the hostages and for the police men outside...
It is going to be hell for the city and the bereaved families...

one crazy reporter commented on the situation this morning, something like this, 'where is the spirit of Mubai? when Bangalore was bombed people did not succumb to the death blows but got up and resumed its daily activities... '
Was he on drugs or what? when by standers are shot and no one is safe in the city, does he expect people to take their bags and lunch and to go work? that stupid guy himself is not safe in the face of terror.
And what spirit is he talking about? Is he talking about 'mumbaikars' hitting non-mumbaikars claiming they were to be expelled from the city for extremely crazy reasons?
My question now is, where is that guy, Bal Thackeray, who initiated mumbai violence claiming non-mumbaikars were ruining mumbai culture? Now why doesn't he come out and say we don't need the army to help us out because only mumbaikars should help sort the issue? The coward.

even writing about him irritates me.

then today I received an email that requested all Indian youth to wear a black strip on their left shoulder to show solidarity in condemning the violence - in my opinion this is heights of stupidity- like the government will impose stringent laws, on seeing some black strips or like the terrorists will be moved by the step or like the traitors within India will hang their head in shame...

today, most of us are asking only one question - why? how? what?
Why is terror a part and parcel of our daily lives?
why are we not doing anything about it?
how can we stop it?
what are we to do?
is this out fate?

Actually, in what has been happening for the past 48 hours, there is an answer - kill the terrorists. I am actually impressed that we have been shooting down these retards as and when we capture them - that's what is to be done - instead of giving them the confidence that they can be captured for sometime and put into Indian prisons and later their brothers can cause havoc in other places and demand their freedom - kill them in one go. Of course, I'm not saying terror will die forever, but at least, they won't take us for granted. The irony is, even a terrorist is scared of death.

In fact, this is what we should do with rapists and murderers. Kill them all. Anybody committing a murder or rape whether Indian or foreigner should be murdered.

Anyways, Mumbai is going through a tough time now. I pray for the souls of the dead. May their souls rest in peace and may their families get enough strength to move on in life.

errm...

I've kinda started writing my 'thoughts' here...

but I seem to be rather pressed for words ;)

Wierd happenings...

Has it ever occurred to you that all of a sudden you start liking what you thought you would detest... In may case, I totally detested 'teaching.' I would never play teacher-teacher in my childhood and even if I was a part of the game I'd simply correct old notebooks or give stars for correct answers, but never really teach.
Now, all of a sudden, I like teaching. It may be temporary... I'll tell you why I like it though...
I'm interning at a NGO as a part of my course work for this semester and with all my gathered 'sighs' and 'grrr' I visited a NGO for the first time in my life...
First day, hated it. Absolutely!
Second day, I was pushed into teaching. I taught. Spoken English classes for the underprivileged.
Third day, I was taking classes for 2 batches.
Now, I take classes for 3 different batches.

Slowly, in time, I started loving it. I don't exactly know what made me like the whole thing. It could be, the kind of respect I earned, the eagerness in learning they showed, the spark each student had, the sense of responsibility the job gave me... it must be something.
The minute I enter class, my whole perspective of life changes. I see women trying to push themselves, to help run their families... I see girls who want to study in good colleges but don't have the money, I see women who don't want to be house maids but a home nurse or a car driver...I see the yearning...
I told them today, don't be scared to face the world. Be confident. If spoken English is your biggest fear overcome it. Speak it. Speak English.
It was echoing in my ears...something like this... 'if teaching, you thought, is what you hate...overcome it... teach...go and teach...'

It's so weird...

Tattoo - an eye sore!

I don't know why there's such a craze for tattoos. The minute I see a tattoo I feel like puking. Some tattoos haunt me and even make me detest food for days. Especially facial tattoos. Yuck!
I find it disturbing when people try to flaunt it. I knew this person who tattooed her fingers...ewww... with tattoo rings... I don't get it... why wouldn't she buy rings and wear them instead of tattooing the same... The skin, after being tattooed, it looks absolutely disgusting... I pray you don't see it too close, becos you'll see ugly irritated skin cultivating around the tattoo...

Tattoos are like this permanent mark on the skin (luckily for some, it can be removed by laser techniques)... but it's like a big distracting black spot on a clean white sheet.

I don't know why, but to me, a scar and a tattoo look the same! May be the only difference is that a scar does not come in attractive designs :D

Bani. J of MTV has the most disgusting tattoo I have ever seen in my life. The tattoo itself is not bad but the placement of her Tattoo is (full length of her inner arms - both)... it's so disgusting that whenever I see her on TV I inevitably change the channel. It's sick!

I know slaves used to be 'marked' for identification and even animals bore names on their skin for commercial purposes... all that is ok... but how it all became a fashion symbol I don't know... and I've noticed something very weird about tattoos... their owners somehow grow around the tattoo. Their facial expressions, gestures, make up, hair do, attire, behavior, everything changes...rather, matches the tattoo...
may be the tattoo is just an identity mark...

ok whatever, the very thought of inflicting pain for changing your pigments and disturbing the skin surfaces irritates me.

may be I have a weird phobia - tattoo phobia!

Lola asks...

and they give the most nonsensical answers...

If you watch Lola's show 'Lola TV - General Knowledge' you'll know... It's unbelievable how some people can be sooo dumb!

some questions she asks:

How do fishes breathe? Which mammal can fly? The fastest animal?

And the answers:

- Fishes breathe through nostrils!! (:O)
- Fishes Don't have to breathe. The water has enough oxygen! (ROFL!!!)
- Fishes breathe through their fings! (WTH is a fing??!)

- The mammal that can fly is an Ostrich! (Yeah one's sitting on my window sill now!!!) LOL
- Sharks!!! (LMAO!!!!! Boy look at that mammal flying. The shark! LOL)

Fastest animal:
-Human being (it seems! Yeah!)
- Kangaroo! (ROFL!)

Man! See where the world is going!

The icing on the cake: On being asked what the currency of France is, someone confidently says, 'French!'

ROFL!

Book of memories...

I sat down in my veranda. It had been raining, continuously for the past 3 days. No regrets on that, since I'd got a day off. I took the newspaper, shook it for a second, slowly all the hidden leaflets and advertising pamphlets fell on the floor and I kicked them away. Most of them were unattractive works of some boring ad agency. I found the Subway menu leaflet, picked it up quickly and secured it under my stack of books. I thrived on subs on weekends.

As I sipped my tea, I skimmed through the newspaper. After 10 mins I kept it away and picked up a novel from the stack.

Thump.

Next I know, a hard bound book fell on my head. Ouch!

I picked it up and I connected with it immediately. It was my secret diary. I dusted the top. The logo, still intact, read: Diary 1995.



"Naaz take this packet of chocolates and distribute it to your new friends at school."
I don't want to.
"Ah. Your call."

I picked it up anyway, but without her knowledge.

My dad dropped me at St. Ignatius School. I saw the huge school campus through the iron gates. There were too many academic blocks and play areas and girls decked in green and yellow walking all about the place.

'I don't want to go in,' I wished aloud.

"There Naaz! Your new school. Aren't you happy?" my dad asked.
No.
"Naaz? Don't be scared. You deserve to be here. Remember you topped the entrance test. You will do well. Now go in" he assured me.
I looked at him. A tiny drop of tear rolled down my cheeks. But I quickly wiped it away.
"I'll come with you." he said

My father always knew what I was thinking.

We reached the principal's office. Sr. Agnes greeted us and my dad spoke at length about me. She walked up to me and told me, 'Naaz is going to be a bright student and make us all proud.'
My dad smiled and gestured me to acknowledge her good comments.
I smiled at Sr. Agnes. I liked her. She had a very calm face and I was not scared of this school anymore. I held her hand.
My dad waved us good bye and left to work.
Sr. Agnes walked me to my classroom.
As I stood outside 8-C, I was trembling and all shaky. I couldn't look up at my class. Sr. Agnes introduced me to my teacher and my classmates. One glance, and they were all snickering. I was dressed in a red and black frock and I was extremely intimidated by all the others dressed in the school uniform. I wanted to run away. Sr. Agnes smiled at me and left me to the mercy of my class.

I was sweating profusely.

"Go sit there" spoke Ms. Catherine, pointing at the second row from back.
The girl seated on the bench made weird faces but managed to smile at me. Fake.
I had to squeeze my way through to get to sit on that bench. Sandwiched between Rekha and Lavanya, I was feeling sick already.

"When is your birthday Naaz" asked Ms. Catherine.
'November 21, 1995' I spoke timidly
The class was roaring in laughter.
'She's just few hours old man' laughed Rekha.
I didn't' understand first. Later I realized. I was obviously nervous. That's why I blurted out the wrong year. I was embarrassed due to the reaction my class gave. But I was hurt when Ms. Catherine did not stop them and instead joined them in laughing.

Lavanya squeezed my hand and gestured me to sit down. I sat down, crying.
"Don't cry Naaz." she spoke
I looked at her and she was smiling, generously.
"Please don't cry Naaz. Take this."
She offered me a candy. I refused the offer. I stopped crying because Lavanya asked me to.

After 2.5 hours of history, and prose and geography, it was time for lunch. The whole class walked out in gangs. Only Lavanya stayed putt. I stayed back, because I was not comfortable yet. Besides, no one seemed to care to welcome a new friend.

Lavanya offered me her lunch. I noticed she had two slices of bread with strawberry jelly smeared on it.
'Is this enough Lavanya?' I asked
"Should be." She replied.
'I have lunch. Let me take it out.' I told her
"No no don't. You're not supposed to eat here." she said
Then why is she eating here? I wondered
"Only I can eat here."
'Oh.' I spoke quickly.

How rude. I thought she was being nice to me, but she is a bully. She eats here but does not allow me to do the same. No one sits with her because she is such a bully. I am such a fool to have thought she is nice.

I got up and walked up to the black board. I started drawing random figures on it. I'm not having lunch because of Lavanya. She promptly finished her lunch. I'll eat on my way back home. She had the nerve to tell me not to open my lunch box here, while she sat and ate like a queen.

I heard Lavanya moving benches to get up from her seat. God she is making too much noise, I thought. Why can't she get up without making so much noise. I turned back and noticed Lavanya struggling. Let her be. She finally made her way out. She walked towards the door. I found her walk weird. She limped slightly. Must have hurt herself, I thought.

She smiled at me as she passed by me. I smiled back coldly. I quickly looked at her feet to see why she was limping.

She limped away to the washroom. I followed her. Tears in my eyes. I understood everything.

I stood beside her while she washed her hands.

'I'm sorry Lavanya.'
"For?" she asked.
I ran away .

Lavanya will never be able to wear the same canvas shoes that helped me run from the washroom to my class.

I hope to never wear the wooden shoes that made Lavanya limp.

Oh God, I don't know who is normal. Whether I'm good. Forgive me if you want to. And thank you for these feet.


I wrote this prayer that night. Silly me, I told myself, as I closed the book.

Touching thought...

There's one sad truth in life I've found
While journeying east and west
The only folks we really wound
Are those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know
We please the fleeting guest
And deal full many a thoughtless blow
To those who love us best.

- Ella Weeler

Naaz's dream...

Dev said bye .. and I murmured ...

when you said good bye I was still in tears. you don't how much I cried. how would you know? I'm your torturer... sometimes love dies silently. may be my love died. may be you think so. but i know nothing without you.
you taught me how to smile.
you taught me how to laugh till i cried.
you always held me tight when i cried.
you always heard me.
your voice always brought me peace. i cant explain. you wont understand.
thank you for whatever you have done for me.
you know - i have never been so happy in my life.
you brought so much joy into my sad life. you dont know. you are my angel.
i wont hear your voice anymore.
it's like someone took away my ears.
i cant hear anything.
im crying now. you wont know.
im your torturer. i killed you.
i did not. but no one believes me.
tell them i did not.
please.
tell me i did not.
you are all i had in my life. i screamed when you didnt come here. i yelled when you didnt say nice things.
i was mad.
but i only came to you.
may be i shouldn't have come so often.
why is this happening?
you wont understand me.
im a killer.
im not.
i want to hear your laugh. its ringing in my ear. but im human.
i will forget.
i dont want to.
please. i want to hear you laugh. again.
forever.
i wont promise that i wont fight again.
but i promise to never provoke you.
i provoked you didnt i?
is a sorry enough?
what should i do?
tell me please. i will do anything. for you.
my world.
come back to me please.
im going mad. i dont want to.
i dont like it.
your voice is dying. slowly. but it is happening.
i dont want it to stop happening.
it shouldn't die.
what will i do?
im ashamed. i'm your killer.
i made you go mad.
i killed you happiness.
im a torturer.
im not. believe me
please.
you wont understand.
i have loved you truly. didnt i?
dont say no...
im not ur killer.
you wont understand.

you're my world. mine.
just mine.

I got up sweating...

Foreign Vs Indian

X: Where are you studying?
Y: Indian school of some course (with much pride).
X: Oh! (sounding yeah-bleh-thoo!)
Y: and you?
X: I'm going to pursue a bleh bloo course at the crappy uni in the crappy state of the crappy country. Foreign degree!

My foot!

On inquiring about future plans for studies, another 'Y' tells me - I'll do a degree only in the foreign land else I'd rather continue working!
I asked her - not looking for options in India?
She says, 'No. Only foreign. I want to go abroad.'
me: Are you saying options are better abroad?
Y: Nah! I wont' even look for options here. India is boring. I'll go abroad.

WTH ya. I feel like slapping such people.

What's with the notion that Indian degrees are useless? I mean, it's ok if people go abroad b'cos course structures are good or exposure is better or even pay is neat - but not when they say Indian degrees are boring or India itself is boring.

When I tell people that I'm pursuing my masters in a college in my city, some of them go, 'why didn't you go abroad?;' you didn't get anywhere else a?;' 'Cha so sad'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and some of them even say, 'her life is so boring. stuck in India!'

and some of these irritating ppl, compare my profile with others saying, 'ah Sheeba went abroad. Smart girl. why didn't this one go?'

meanies! Seriously, who gave them the authority to provide people with certificates? lol!

anyways, not digressing too much. let's get back. Yeah, so some people think it's demeaning to pursue a course in India. Oh, I almost forgot, it's a trend now that if you're rich, you automatically qualify to study abroad. Sigh! So this guy Ank I know, goes to Melbourne 'cos he's rich and nothing else. He's gonna get back to Ahmedabad to assist his dad in their family business, but, ' I want a foreign degree yaar' he says!

may be he can flash the 'Melbourne' tag to his prospective partner. Ya what else can it bring? 'My husband studied in Australia you know?' she can share with her kitty friends! lol!

Sigh man!

Ok people, stop thinking Indian degrees are useless. Some of the best research is done in India. Some of the most brilliant students have the most the prestigious IIM and IIT tags. Some of the most creative ppl come from places like NID.

So you see, it's not where you study, but how you study. And, why be ashamed of India?

Poor India didn't do anything. It's getting enough bolts and stabs from its brother. Why stab it further and label it boring?

Study well all you 'faar-rin' degree holders! :P

Just becos...

I don't have any bloody topic in head - I'll tell you about my past - work life - to be precise.

If you use the internet regularly and if you are a crazy, almost psychotic 'searcher' like me, you'll find my ex-company's logo staring at you on the face - Google to say! Yah, that's where I once worked.

When I entered Google I thought I was mad to join this place b'cos everyone looked like they'd woken up from sleep and just walked in - serious - I'd never imagined that they took the term 'casual' so seriously - if you spot one formally decked guy there, I'll garland you.

When I looked around I noticed food everywhere! EVERYWHERE! On work desks, in the shelves, in the cafe, over laptops, in the refrigerator, every piece of area fit to be a called a 'nook' had food! (Well that explains why gravitational force is harsh on me)

I imagined Google to be quite sober, fingers furiously dancing on keyboards, heads turning around occasionally may be for another sober discussion - it was everything but this!

Google is probably the most liveliest offices one can work in. It has generous splash of colors on walls and floors and chairs, interesting murals, huge resistant balls you have to save yourself from, bean bags in bright yellow, red, green and blue, themed decorated cubicles, exclusive furniture and weirdly fascinating decor and much more.

And the best part is you don't have to work! You just come and enjoy yourself and go! How cool!


Are you mad?! Though, I wish I could say that :P

With all the fun and frolic and blah blah blah, we did have work ;) Of course I chose to not work! that's a totally different story - let's not get to that :P

I met so many people there. I came to hear of and witness some extremely 'yucky' situations people got into, interacted with some warm people, made few friends and as far as I know, I did not make any enemies.

Anyways, there are a lot of good memories attached to this place, but of course, everything can't be rosy. I did have some unpleasant memories and events. It was like someone was weighing me a weighing scale. The needle would fluctuate between 'good times' to 'crappy times' with high oscillation speed.

I came out of it. For good. I must confess that my work experience in terms of the people and the management and the work, has taught me a lot. I use these lessons in my daily life. While studying, while conversing. Google probably is a dream company for many, for me it was just a part of life. I never took it too seriously becos I always knew it was not 'the' place for me. It held a place in my heart but it never conquered me.

Somehow, getting back to college has made me happier. In terms of performance and knowledge.

Happy B'day Google!

Thanks to you, I get my assignments done on time! :)

I love Homer Simpson!

He's just too funny... It's funny I used to find 'The Simpsons' weird when I was young, but I love them now. They're soo funny! My favorite is Homer Simpson (the father and the patriarch of the Simpsons clan)... he is just amazingly dumb and hilarious.

Some laughs:

Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.
-----------------------------

Homer: There's your giraffe, little girl.
Ralph Wiggum: I'm a boy.
Homer: That's the spirit. Never give up.
-----------------------------

Bart: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, not quite a puppet, but man... (laughs, then pauses) So, to answer you question, I don't know.
------------------------------

Homer: What's a wedding? Webster's dictionary describes it as the act of removing weeds from one's garden.
------------------------------

Lisa: Dad, don't you think you're overreacting?
Homer: Don't you think you're *under*reacting?
Lisa: This conversation is over.
Homer: This conversation is *under*.
Lisa: Goodbye.
Homer: *bad*bye
-----------------------------

Homer: Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
-----------------------------

Lisa: I'm an ugmo.
Homer: Now, that's not true. You're cute as a bug's ear.
Lisa: Father's have to say that little stuff.
Homer: Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?
Grandpa: No. You're homely as a mule's butt.
Homer: There. See?
------------------------------

Colors...

I visited Mylapore this evening to learn photography and take random shots - we're learning about color and all that - and my goodness, that place is drenched in color - in view of Navratri celebrations - it's just too amazing and a shame that I cannot describe it in words - sigh - but I can show you some pics - any comments on my photo skills are MOST welcome! :D

Why?

When I know someone I like and love is coming, I keep waiting outside my door - and they never turn up. The minute I get back inside my house - the door bell rings!

WHY??!

Rock On ROCKS!

Watched it with SH at Sathyam Cinemas, today. I was visiting this place after nearly 3 years and boy, was I surprised. The whole place has changed (for good). Even in its not so bright days, Sathyam Cinemas was my 'the' favorite theater. It's become chic now and very much in competition with the other plush cinema houses. Okay, let's Move On to Rock On! :P

(May contain spoilers)

The plot is very simple - the movie starts off with the band 'Magik' performing the hit number 'Socha Hai' live - the band comprises four friends - Adi - Lead vocalist (Farhan Akhtar), Joe - lead guitar (Arjum Rampal), Rob - keys (Luke Kenny) and Killer Drummer a.k.a K.D (Purab Kohli) - the next scene shows their lives 10 years down the line - Adi an investment banker, is married to Sakshi (Prachi Desai) is basically doing well in life but Sakshi is lonely and feels she is living with a stranger, Joe is married to his GF Debbie (Shahana Goswami) and tries to make ends meet by playing his guitar at weddings and clubs, K.D assists his dad with their jewelry business, and Rob works with Anu Malik composing jingles for TV commercials - the four of them though not together as a band are inevitably inclined towards music -

Sakshi finds out about Adi's past, his band et al from his pictures that he has safely kept in the loft - she wants to see the happy Adi again and decides to reunite 'Magik' - K.D and Rob meet Adi at his 'surprise' birthday party organized by Sakshi - Adi is not very happy to meet them - Sakshi and Adi get into a misunderstanding because Sakshi knows Adi is not the same happy guy anymore and he is always keeping her way from his life - Adi admits he is running away from his past - Sakshi goes away from her house - Adi talks to Devika (Koel Purie) about the tiff Sakshi and he had and she tells him that he should probably stop running away from his past -

The past - tid-bits of the band's past are sewn with the picture - the band participates in the Channel [V] Launch Pad that wins them an opportunity to launch a rock album - however they discover that they are going to be 'directed' and their originality will not be showcased - Joe does not want to compromise on the band's originality and hesitates to sign the contract - but since everyone else is willing to make the compromise, he also signs the contract - during the shoot of a song, Joe gets in to an argument with Adi and hits the director and Adi - that marks the end of Magik's magic! - this explains Adi's aloofness and gloom - and the present gets clear!

of broken dreams - aspirations at peak and suddenly - one day - you look back and join the dots - again -

- Adi gets back to his friends - they meet up at their usual garage and sing their songs - Adi requests Sakshi to get back home and when she does she finds 'Magik' reunited and singing songs - this goes on for long - meanwhile Rob is diagnosed with brain tumor and his days are counted- Debbie is unaware that Joe has gotten back with his friends - she finds him a job on a cruise that is leaving on the same day the band is performing one last time for Channel [V] launch pad - Debbie finds out that Joe is planning to participate in the contest and talks to Adi about it - she informs him that Joe will not come and he will concentrate on his job -

climax - very predictable - on the day of the contest Adi tells Rob and K.D that Joe may not come for the contest - along side this they show Joe leaving for the cruise - The band decide to go on stage without Joe - Adi sings the song that Joe once composed - while the taxi is stuck in traffic Joe hears Adi singing - and - yeah! he makes his decision -

'Magik' perform together - for one last time - before Rob leaves forever.

Some excellent music is the backbone of Rock On! - commendable singing by Farhan Akthar - good character portrayal by all the actors - good team effort - the movie really sustained the audience's interest and the tempo was good.

Overall: A rocking movie! Rock On, ROCKS!

a meeting...

I was on my way back home from college. The same road, different people, heavy traffic, pleasant skies, and the usual eagerness to get back home... until that day I met someone. She drove past me and I glanced at her car. I looked away and continued my riding. She braked at the signal and I stopped my bike right behind her car. I couldn't see her face, but her hair style looked familiar. I strained to look into the rear view mirror of the car. I saw her eyes. My mind was starting to frame a picture. Before I could go near her, the signal went green and she moved away. But I kept following her and when she had to take a turn, she looked into her side view mirror and I saw her face. I was waiting for the next signal. But like luck had it's way, all the signals were open. Damn!

I kept riding behind her car and my mind kept speaking to me, 'Why are you following her?' I don't know. There were just two more signals to go before I reached home and I prayed it'd turn red. So it did. She stopped her car and I stopped my bike right next to her.

'Asha Miss' I spoke with hesitation.
'Hepsiba?'
I was overjoyed! She knew my name. She remembered my name.
'How are you ma'am?'
'I'm fine. How are you Hepsiba?'
'I'm good ma'am.'
The signal went green and I let her go. I rode slowly.

Class of 2003 - 'extremely noisy' - biology class - future doctors - 'nobody in this class is responsible' they'd say - Nuclear Physics - magnetism - sums - practicals - Asha miss can you explain transistor again? - Asha miss, I want 2 more marks - Asha miss free period miss, please - Asha miss I lost 10 marks - only 190 in Physics- :'( :'( - Asha miss we'll miss you - we'll miss school- ...

My memories of school came back. I remembered Asha Miss. I remembered Selvam Sir, Ritu Miss, Susan Miss, Mythili Miss, Sudha Miss... I remembered my friends, the fun, the tears...

I stopped beside her in the last signal - 'It's so nice to see you' - we said in unison - a weird silence followed - I hated this awkward silence - I wanted the signal to go green again - I looked away - I knew what was going to happen -

The signal turned green - and she left - and I rode along my way - crying.

As tears flowed down my cheek - I hit me hard that I'll never get back my school days again - ever - It hit me hard that it was better forgotten - it's memories always brought back tears - of joys - of things inexplicable -

I wish time stood still - I wish I was in school forever!

Reading 'The Kite Runner' ...

Liking it so far, extremely good... stayed up till 3:00 AM last night reading, read few more chapters this morning, and I'm forgetting that I have to rush to college in exactly 30 mins!
After I'm done with the book I'll tell you what it's about...

:)

Happy week!

Back to square one!

I remember posting here about how I've never studied in a co-ed institution ever and how it's highly possible that I finally will get to study in a co-ed institution for my post graduation!

Turns out it's never really gonna happen! I'm back to a college filled with 3000 odd girls~! :D

Actually it doesn't surprise me much... it's always been like this...

* When I left college after my under graduation I turned back one last time and told myself, 'I'm never coming back!'

* When I was in school, I'd pass by this college of mine and tell myself, 'come what may, I'll never do my under graduation here!' ...

* When everyone around me was falling in love and bleh bleh, I told myself, 'I'll never fall in love!' :P Rest is history!

* When my dad took us to Hyderabad for a short visit, I told myself, 'I'll never come here!'
And, well, my work pulled me there and I HAD to live there for 2 long years!!

This and much more... like the world is conspiring against me or trying to tell me something... I'm guessing it's trying to tell me, 'yeah, well, nothing is in YOUR hands Hepsiba!'

Oh and when I quit my job, I told myself,' To this place, I shall never return!.'

erhm! Let's wait...

Psst: That picture just shows how tired I am of all the games life is playing on me :P :P

Sunday times...

Oversleeping - wake up call - for the nth time - brush and scrub - oops - bite tongue - no church - big mistake - ask for forgiveness - boil milk - make tea - biscuits - breakfast burp! - wash cup - put cooker on stove - boil water - rice - dal - fry potatoes - beat eggs - omelet - clean dishes - clean room - arrange books - fold clothes - blog - ...

folks out traveling and the maid dumps me!

Why?

My weekends fly away in no time... my week moves at snail's pace! :(

why?

Why?

The traffic signal is almost always red at every junction when I'm in a hurry.

Why?

The unposted letter...

Dear R,

I don't know if I will ever post this letter to you. I read your letter again and again. Why did you write this line, 'you were such a nice friend to me. I really really miss you a lot. I love you.' My heart aches to read these lines.

I feel ashamed to say this, but I have not been a good friend. I lied to you. I left you because you told me about that man who harassed you. I left because you loved that man. I left you because my heart cringed on the thought that you had no choice but love that man. The man who knew you even before you were born. The same hands that fed you were now tearing you apart. I left you because I was scared that my worst dream had come true. I read about it in books. I never thought something like that could happen to a girl, a girl so innocent as you. I left because I was getting extremely depressed. I left because after you slept I would stay awake to make sure you wouldn't hurt yourself out of pain. I left because every time I saw your face I felt like crying. I left because I could not collect myself to talk to my parents and tell them I was depressed. I left because I loved you but could not bear the fact that you were going through hell. I left because I started losing my appetite and I felt disgusted thinking about that guy. I left because after you narrated the incident, you became your normal happy self again. You cried like a mad girl but in minutes you were laughing. I left because I was scared you were going to turn mad. I left because you showed me his picture. I left because I saw the smirk on his face and my stomach churned. I left because I was not able to count, concentrate, sleep. I left because sir screamed at me. I left because he mocked at me for being me. I left because his presence was making me tremble. I left because you said I'm your best friend. I left because I knew I wouldn't be able to manage.

I lied to sir that I got an admission for dental science. I still remember that sly smile on his face. I had no other choice. I was trapped. My only hope was this lie. And I couldn't' tell you the truth. I couldn't lie to you. I loved you but I was weak. I am ashamed.

I never became a doctor. I don't know if you are a doctor. I hope you are happy.

I hope you will forgive me like how you forgave that man.

Yours ever

Naaz

The 'why' I have an answer for!

Why did I not do well in the exam today?

Why?

Because, I did NOT study WELL!

:( :( :(

Why?

Why does the phone 'always' ring when I'm away from it?

Why?

in the head...

publicity - propoganda - working definition - advertising - ethical problems - lobbying - press agentry - Black - BBC - Hilton - public opinion - ....

That's the way it goes - in the head...




on the eve of an exam...

Why?

I always forget what I wanted to originally write on, when I open my 'create new blog post' page!

Why? :(

Yeah! Some people are like that.

ashamed of their roots - why?

Kangal Irandal - Subramaniapuram

Really liked the composition and the feel of this song. The male voice is brilliant and the lyrics are simply beautiful! Simple yet mesmerizing tune, I'd want to be played in the background, all the time - walking, reading, smiling, ...

I like!

Found it here.... I like!

I think...

When in a Maruti Omni, if at some point in time you feel you are 'going to' hit the car in front of you, then you probably 'have already hit' the car!

Where's the bonnet?

LOL :D

Why?

Why is it that the most attempt-able and the most weighed question in a question paper is the one that I ignore or skip assuming it will never be asked?

Why?

I clearly detest cooking... when I'm tired!

I love cooking when I'm not tired! My parents have been traveling a lot these days and so that usually leaves me with the kitchen, all mine and the option to cook whatever I want. Turned out, the idea was not as tempting as it 'cooked' in my mind. I'd plan what I'd like to make for dinner during class. One day it was puri-aloo, another day it was ven pongal, then it was vada-sambhar... I do most of my recipe planning in class and then savor it in my mind! :D

But the minute I get back home, I get irritated looking at empty dishes in the kitchen. Because I have a brother at home, I HAVE to cook... but I clearly hate cooking after getting back from college. It's past 6 when I reach home and I'm too tired to even take my books out, leave alone cooking.
Yet I managed to cook all these dishes and more, because I really do get hungry. So does my brother.

But...but but but...I have decided I do not want to work after I'm married 'cos then my family is sure to starve or get blasted at for no reason and my husband being forced to cook something for the kids (BIG PICTURE!)

If I have the time and space I'll cook. Promise!

Yet another thought...

Why do we so badly hurt the person who loves us really but give most happiness to those who will eventually forsake us? Why do we overlook true love? Why do we make the worthy cry and let the unworthy smile?

Why?

Another thought...

When I carry a book/camera/note/album in my bag no one asks for it... and just when I leave it at home, someone wants it!

Why?

A thought...

Just why do we forget some things when people question us and why do we always remember the answer after they've left?


why?

Mera Bharat Mahaan!

A conversation I overheard: (Conversation between 2 Indians - girl and boy- and 1 firang)

Firang: I'm planning to go to Kerala. Thoughts?

Excited boy (mallu roots) : Kerala is a great place! It's also known as God's own country for all the green and calm and peace you'll find there. Plus plus, it's famous for ayurveda. Ah, also the massages. Try them out... (goes on)

Me: :)

Firang: That's nice. I'm planning to go to Tamil Nadu on the way back... and what do you think of that?

Boy: I don't know what Tamil Nadu is famous for. Some bharatnatyam, idli, vada stuff.

Girl: The people there are soooo dark.

Boy: OMG ya! You know, they are darker that negros. Yuck!

Me: Almost up to slap him tight on his face. Stopped by A.

Girl: Kerala people are very fair and good looking. No?

Boy: Yeah! Of course! (smiles)

Firang: Ok.

(Inside Firang's head: Stupid Indians!)

Like firangs will care about color or geographic influence. According to them, whether dark or fair or good looking or ugly, an Indian is a freebie, is a cheapo and will go down to any extent to lick a**.

When firangs come to India they take pics of beggars and litter and famished slum dwellers... they see India that way! Well, some of them do take the trouble to shoot some good stuff... blah.

On the contrary, we do NOT want accept that every nation has a bad side... of course, if we show pics of mad men on the streets to our relatives, they'll laugh at us... yeah, we are that bothered! :)

People who read this will think : ah there she goes again... non-stop ranting and blah blah.

Frankly, I don't care. I write whatever my heart wants to write. This incident was running on my head in class, and for fear of losing the content I wrote it down on my palm...

Ok not digressing much, why are we like this? Let me add on to this, this excited guy works in the same office I once worked for... and when we had extra work to handle, he'd crib and rant along with his fellow team mates, discussing about how Indians are 'used' for cheap labor...

HA HA HA... Is all I can say!

With Independence day nearing... I want to know if we are really proud of the fact that we are Indians?

May be. May be not.

India does not have good roads- does not have clean bathrooms- is still poor- the coovam still stinks- there are no sky scrapers- there is great agrarian crisis- farmers are dying everyday- there are annoying power cuts- the untouchables exist- the richer are getting richer and the poor poorer- communal riots exist- the fear of getting burnt alive on the bus or train due to riots, the fear of being attacked by terror spreading groups on Independence day itself... !!! The irony - we are not free to celebrate our own independence!

Do we really want to say we are Indians?

I want to! India gave me what I call my home. It holds me with respect. It educated me. It taught me how to write what I feel like. It employed me. It gave me good food. It taught me how to pray for afflicted families. It taught me that whether tall, thin, fat, dark, fair, ugly, pretty, Indians are my brothers and sisters. It taught me how to play gilli. It taught me how to cry when my grand parents left me. It taught me how to look after my parents when they need me. It taught how to love my sibling. It taught me the sanctity of love and unity. It taught me how to value my loved ones. It taught me that God is nothing but parents and teachers. It taught me how to write on a slate. It taught me to pray before every meal. It taught me how to share my food with my friends. It taught me how to love myself. It taught me to go on... no matter what happens... it gave me confidence... always.

I want to say I'm an Indian and I'm proud. I'm indebted for all that my nation has done for me. I don't know of any discrimination, everyone is one.

Mera Bharat Mahaan!

If I don't do this I don't have a heart...

I would like to thank my dear friend Gayathri R. In many ways, she has taught me important lessons in life. She has helped me distinguish between trivial things and important things in life. She has been with me through the ups and downs of my life at Hyderabad. She has trusted me whole heartedly and has loved me like no other friend.

She introduced and subscribed me to Frozen Thoughts, a monthly magazine that is a wonderful source of good thoughts and mantra for awakening. It has a powerful dose of good living tips and provides one enough medicine for a healthy living.

By far this the best gift I have ever got from a friend. How often do you see friends who teach you fishing rather than giving you fish for a day? Gayathri has done just that. Instead of providing me with advice for a day and then letting go, she has gone one step ahead by gifting me clarity of thought.

Gayathri, whatever you did for me, you did it out of love for which you did not expect anything in return.

God bless you always!

The uncertainity called Life!

I pinged my friend and jokingly asked her how she was 'enjoying' work... she didn't reply to my question but just sent me this link.

My first reaction: OMG!

First thought: This could happen to anyone. Anyone!

I was dull after hearing about this because I relate with them through work. Though I have never interacted much I knew they existed. I heard the atmosphere at office is very sad. Friends and colleagues are finding it difficult to come to terms with the incident. Sigh!

Imagine the others in that compartment. Families, children, husbands, wives, grandparents, lovers, friends, colleagues, ... dreams, hopes ... all gone... getting burnt alive... you feel the pain, the killing pain, and yet to live till you are charred... the worst form of death... :(

All these things happen. There's no stopping. Two little innocent children lost their parents (a close family friend) to an accident few months ago. The family, kids, an aunt and the couple were coming back home from a visit to a temple. Their return ended on a disastrous note. The children came back home termed orphans. For no fault of theirs, the kids are lonely today and under the care of known strangers.

At this juncture, all I can think about is the uncertainty that dominates us. To an extent I have given up being a procrastinator. The work I leave behind for tomorrow may never be complete, I probably may not exist tomorrow. I have consciously stopped fighting with A, due an inexplicable fear that rules my heart :(

Life is uncertain. People who smile at us today may not live to see a tomorrow. This is what should make us feel we are under the domination of a power that can destroy and create. We are mere actors in this play called life.

We can't pray for supernatural life saving powers, but we can and should pray for strength that'll help us overcome tribulations and afflictions.

I tried so hard...

to delete my Orkut profile... but couldn't 'cos I own five different communities... and if my profile is erased no one would be allowed to be a part of the community... of course I can grant moderator/ co-owner privileges to my friends... but the thought that my name will forever be lost makes me sad... :(

yet... one of these days, I'm going to delete my Orkut account and concentrate on other important things in life...

Aaaaaarrrrrrrrggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm screaming as I'm typing this rubbishhhhhh.... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...........


Never been sooooooooo pissed offff and soooooooo agitated in life.......!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

myyyyyyy gawwwwwddddddddd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(


aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Kya aap panchvi pass se tez ho?

Let me start off by saying - The show sucks!

And why I say so - because of the annoyingly stupid questions that they ask and the annoyingly ignorant participants and the fake smartness that oozes out of every kid there. And of course the annoying SRK.

What poisonous fruit did Snow White consume? - Err Jack fruit? Oh an apple?! DUHHHH!!!

What irritates me the most - the unfair advantage the kids gain.

The kids on the show are carefully picked from TV shows, ad films. They are trained/otherwise actors! I see them in every damn ad, horlicks, vicks vapor rub, etc etc. These kids DO NOT represent the student population of India. They probably belong to an already elite society with several movie offers in hand and 'on duty' attendance.

Ok cutting away from being extremely cynical, my questions are - why aren't random students from around the nation called to be a part of the show? Are you sure these actor kids are really smart... I mean, do you give them a script? Are they being paid? If they are, why are they being paid if you're already giving them an education grant of 10 lac? Why not give this grant to students who really need it? Why are you so stupid?????

Why? Grrr!

Coming to the main question - Are you brighter than a grade 5 pass out?... Yeah right we are! Of course we know that 10 bucks is equal to '18' 25 paise and '11' 50 paise. WTF!

I have no clue what they're trying to prove? and if you're multiplying 18*25 + 11*50 ... you are meant to be on that nonsensical show.

Century!

Successfully completed 100 posts on blog :P Incidentally my 100th post had to be a tragedy... sigh!

And everything came back alive...

Dr. Manju sat down near Reema. She looked at her tiny little feet wrapped in white. She fondly remembered the first day her eyes met Reema's. She was the most beautiful child she'd ever seen.' Seven years into marriage and no child' the society would ridicule her. Reema completed Manju's life and its emptiness.
Reema was petite and very delicate for her age. She'd bruise herself all the time and the tiny droplets of tears would break Manju's heart.
'Why is Reema so careless?' asked Dr. Arjun.
'She'll grow' Manju would reply with tenderness. 'My Reema will grow.'
Reema would build mud castles and run into the house to top it with her flag but on her return she would see her master piece being stamped upon by her friends. She had no true friends. They'd call her names and make her cry. Reema would run away and hug her fig tree. She'd fondly brush her cheeks over the fruits and smile. She'd run her little fingers on the tree's trunk and say, 'one day they'll want to be my friends.'
'Mamma, do you love me?' Reema asked Manju.
Yes of course. You know you are my angel. Why do you ask me this Reema?'
'I just wanted to ask you. I like it when you say yes.'
Reema dozed off on Manju's lap. Manju looked at her, eyes welling with tears, 'I love you Reema. You brought love into my life. I cannot thank you enough.'
Manju knew Reema did not have many friends at school. She was hardly invited to birthday parties, she did not have playmates, her lunch box would come back half eaten, never shared... Manju never understood why... yet Reema never complained. She'd smile and ask her mother if she loved her and she'd always hear 'yes.' That made the child happy enough.
'Reema do you want to go out with mama on a picnic?.'
'Yes of course mama, wherever you take me.'
Sunday morning and instead of making her usual visit to the temple, Manju was busy packing Reema's favorite snack, bread rolls, some cup cakes and a bottle of apple juice. Her picnic basket was ready. Reema was busy packing her stuff into her bag that included Lila, her little bunny and Butter, her little whale.
Manju knew Reema loved the sea so she decided to take her to the nearest beach village for the picnic. She told her friends about this and they all decided to make it a family picnic sans the husband.
The bus arrived and Manju called out to Reema.
'Come quick Reema' she said.
'Let me say bye bye to my tree.'
Reema looked at her fig tree and said, 'You are my best friend. I'll miss you.'

'Can I sit here with Akhil?' Reema asked Manju.
'Of course Reema.' Manju replied.

Manju watched Reema laughing aloud. Akhil was saying funny things to her and every time she found the story too funny she's turn to look at Manju. Manju would smile and feel light. The beach village was about an hour away from the city and they were to reach there before noon. Manju was planning what games she'd execute. Now that Reema had found company she could relax in peace.
Reema was singing poems to Akhil, and she's occasionally wave 'hello' to her fellow bus mates. In the midst of her singing Reema looked at Manju and waved excitedly at her, 'bye mama. Bye bye mama.'
Before Manju could react she saw Reema's smile disappear... she lost her smile forever.

The bus had taken a sharp turn and that changed Manju's life forever. Reema's head hit against a lonely tree on the highway and that was the last Manju saw of her beautiful innocent face.

Reema's classmates cried for her... her enemies cried... her teachers, her bullies... everybody cried...they probably regretted not having treated Reema well... not having called her to their b'day parties... not having laughed with her... not having loved her... but now they wanted to be her friend...Reema had friends now...

Dr. Manju sat down near Reema. She looked at her tiny little feet wrapped in white. One last time before the fires ate her...

Blank...

An urge to write but don't know what...

A Day To Remember

'It’s a fine Saturday morning!' I exclaimed. 'Oh shucks, I have to go to work but also I have an appointment with my best friend for some coffee.'

I decided to chuck work for the procrastinator in me. 'I’d rather have the piping hot coffee,' I thought.

I love the word piping, though it reminds me of this complex pipeline system that manages to flush out effluents from our homes. Ok! whatever makes me say that. I decided to wear my usual blue Capri teamed with my favorite pastel pink kurti that I keep wearing every week, no matter what, simply because it makes me feel like a model of a Westside campaign. If my mother knew I was repeating clothes at work, every single week, she’d be shattered. But then, c’mon, I have favorites, and this kurti has become a piece of my heart. I picked it from Westside and ever since it found place in my wardrobe I’ve made sure it clings to me often.

I looked for it in my cupboard, and cursed my laziness, for I do not find it neatly ironed and smelling like it was freshly dipped in fragrant water but clumsily thrown into the laundry bag that was almost overflowing.

Yikes!

The little devil in me tells me ‘Simply iron it and wear it with some perfume generously sprayed. Nobody will know.’

I was out on the streets, wearing my favorite kurti, and smelling like a ‘walking incense,’ only, this was repelling people away.

I called Bhargavi to check if she was going to pick me up or if I should make it on my own. Of course, I ask the former question in a very heart-melting innocent voice because I’m too lazy to go to anywhere on my own, and the always caring Bhargavi pulls in her Honda Activa in exactly five minutes.

“What’s that strange smell?” she asks, looking like a sniff dog.

Err, let’s go quickly. We do not want to be late for a coffee do we?

“Huh? Okay. Whoever says that for a cuppa coffee! Hop on.”

I’m quick to react. I was fiercely manipulating some witty replies, should Bhargavi ask me the “What’s that smell” question again.

My non-used lazy brain, however, could not think of anything. “I’ll just have to use my puss-in-the boots look, I suppose” I tell myself.

Bhargavi is a careful rider and that irritates me sometimes, because she signals her turn at every street, inhabited or otherwise. She also honks at every turn she takes! Man, whoever does that these days. Deep down inside my heart, I’m proud my friend follows every traffic rule and lets every human being on foot overtake her. I smiled at the old granny who just overtook us.

But, I love Bhargavi for all this. I love riding with her. At least I get to admire nature, or gasp in shock at the obscene bill boards or spot a cute guy with the 'Marlborne' helmet riding his Pulsor. I wonder why helmets make guys look cute. I prefer it that way. Really! So, one rarely gets to notice all these beauties, when on a speeding bike ride.

We come to a halt outside Barista and see it is quarter-full (for the optimist in me). Well, which hep-gang comes for a coffee in the morning, anyways? We are 'hopeless' beings and prefer coffee when there is less noise. We seat ourselves on our favorite couch, pastel green and leather.

“So, Naaz tell me why you think there is no life left in you?”

Huh? What do you mean Bharagavi?

“I’m referring to yester night’s phone conversation.”

'Oh, that.' I snicker. That was simply, zimbly you know.

I think I just cracked a light joke.

“Shut up, and tell me.”

With Bhargavi, there is no escape.

Well, err, I’m just frustrated that I’m lonely. That’s it.

“And do you know why you are lonely?”

Bhargavi, please let’s not get into that.

“See, you decided you will be lonely and why do resent it, suddenly?”

Let’s get some coffee first. I’m so scared.

“Ok, chill! I’m just concerned.”

Of course I know that.

“So devil’s own?”

Hmm, yes I guess. I’m hungry and I don’t mind some chocolate. Or, wait I’ll have some frappe. Or, hmm, what about a smoothie man?

“Naaz, decide and then stick to it.”

Bhargavi, you remind me of our principal in college!

“Yuck!”

Ok, so I’ll have a Frappe and Devil’s own.

“Ok, I’m making mine one devil’s own.”

Ok, I’m embarrassed but I have a huge appetite.

“Oh, please. Do not bother about that. We all know that and it never hurt us.”

Yay! By the way, I think we use Ok way too often!

Who cares.

We placed an order for our fill and after a hundred attempts at spelling my name right starting from Jaaz to Naat, the counter guy settled with ‘Baar-kavi,’ “easy name madam” he exclaimed.

Grr!

“Naaz, why don’t you talk to Dev? I mean…”

Bhargavi, chuck it man. Please I beg.

“Oops, sorry.”

Nah, it’s ok.

Just then the door flung open and I saw someone who gave me this weird feeling that I should instantly get down on my knees and worship the man, some Greek deity, in true Greek style. My reaction was pretty cheap. Bhargavi noticed my mouth lying open like a rhinoceros’s yawn and immediately turned to see what caused the phenomenon. Her reaction was a replay of mine. We must have looked like two cheapsters craving for some masculine presence. It took us 15 seconds to come back to our senses. We were terribly embarrassed.

Oh man, what a dirty first impression we made!

I think he gave us this, oh my goodness ‘some cheapos here’ look!

I think I also heard him say “Stop Letching you morons.” I really hope it is my imagination.

My mouth flung open again as he sat down carefully at the corner table. He quickly walked up to the counter and I think he asked for one hot coffee and that’s it.

“Oh no, if my order came anytime, I should look like a pig, eating food enough to feed some hungry villages.” I thought.

“I must cancel my order Bhargavi, it’s an emergency” I announce.

Before she could react I got up from my seat and rushed to the counter, unaware of the waiter emerging from behind the pillar to deliver my order of soul gratifying food.

What happened next was nothing less than a clash of titans. All I could think of was that the Greek God was now beaming with joy! “Serves her right! The letch.”

I hope it’s my imagination again. Bhargavi came to my rescue, flushed and extremely conscious of his presence.

The waiter was cursing me in the vernacular lingo and thank goodness I did not understand a word. I uttered a million ‘sorries’ and ran to the washroom.

Bhargavi followed me and yes, yelled at me though she kept asking me if everything was fine.

“Naaz, I hope you understand that you not only made us look like two fools but also irresponsible idiots.”

I’m sorry Bhargavi, but that guy!

“That guy, grr!”

I’m so sorry Bhargavi.

“It’s okay man. C’mon clean up and get back fast.”

I don’t know how I’m going to face him.

“Naaaaaz.”

He he he. Okay. I’ll be there in two minutes.

“Good girl.”

I came out, all flushed and not allowing my eyes to set on him, a challenge so great that I failed miserably. I saw him sipping his coffee in style and giving me a weird glance. I hope this is imagination. I really hope! I sat down on the couch, my back facing the guy and sipping the smoothie that Bhargavi ordered.

“I think the devil’s own idea was jinxed!”

You could be right.

Bhargavi signaled to me that the cute guy was leaving. I don’t know why, but both of us were instantly sad. And then suddenly Bhargavi was all alarmed and gently whispered that he was coming towards us. I so wanted to run.

And then it happened, he gently bent over and asked Bhargavi “Is everything alright?” in the squeakiest voice we’d ever heard in our lives.

Ok, now we really wanted to run.

“Err, yeah. Thanks for asking.”

He came forward to face me, beamed his smile and I pretended to look alright and not bothered and he bid goodbye, gently. I exchanged a quick goodbye while controlling my laughter. Just as soon as he stepped out, we were in splits…laughing uncontrollably.

“What on earth was that?”

I don’t know.

“Well, so much trouble for this!”

Yeah, yeah! The morons that we really are.

Meter down!

Auto driver (AD): Where?
Me: Cathedral road
AD: 90 bucks.
Me: For 4 kms? Meter?
AD: Meter down!

That's the last thing you want to hear. Why don't they repair their meters then, I say. And they always quote exuberant prices, if you don't want to pay they don't want to bargain. What's funny is, they will loiter about in their autos looking for victims to heed to their torture but they will not accept a fair price for a ride, instead, they end up wasting fuel in the process. The irony!

But not all auto drivers are bad. Some of them respect the passenger and work in dignity. Thanks to the arrogant lot, we fail to recognize these good guys and judge them too.

I read somewhere that most of these guys are goons and mask their identities with the 'auto driver' tag. They have much political backing and that gives them that extra courage. The political parties get loyalty points in return. What's the world coming to?

The fact remains that auto meters never work and will not work till god-knows when. For those who depend on autos will have to shell out a large sum of money to go anywhere or walk in the scorching sun or fight back!

Down down!

Show me the money and I'll be on my way to do just the same!!!

Where the hell is Matt?

Gosh the world is so beautiful! :)

The Dark Alley

That was a great show! Don't you think?

"Yes of course Lila!" I said slightly disturbed

What are you gaping at? You look so lost.

"Nothing actually."

Please tell me.

"It's 8:30 PM."

So?

"I'm scared that it's too late and not safe to go back home..."

Late? It's 8:30! Oh c'mon. I've been out real late so many times. Nothings going to happen.

"But, I'm scared."

Oh please!

"I don't know...I shouldn't have stayed here for this long. I'm too scared..."

Why are you such a baby? Alright. Let's ask Dharini's mother if she would give us a lift.

"Oh Ok!" I beamed.

Aunty, would you mind dropping us off at our places. It's getting too late, and our house is on the way to your place.

"Yes Aunty. Please. " I begged.

Hmmm...Ok. Come along then.

All along the drive I was disturbed. I had never been out late without my parents and here I was today, in unknown company and a friend who claims to a brave 'tiger.' I was not ready to face the world at this age. I greatly regretted not listening to my mother. I wanted to show her I was a teenager and like Lila, I could handle things on my own. She told me, you do not know this world. The dark skies were now smirking at me. I couldn't breathe.

The car came to a sudden halt.

Can you guys get down here? I actually need to get elsewhere.

"Oh, but it's so late and my house is so far away." I spoke almost bursting into tears.

C'mon! You are 14! I'm sure you can handle this.

"Oh yes we can Aunty. Thanks for the lift." Lila spoke quickly.

I got off reluctantly.

"What were you saying?"

What?

"I'm sure we can handle this? What are you thinking?"

Nothing. We are big people now!

"No we are not. We are only 14. We do not know the world. "

Ya right.

"And that lady? She has a daughter too? I'm sure she wouldn't leave her alone like this? Look at this place...there's no one in sight. What did she think?"

She thought we were OLD!

"Which we are not Lila! You get that?"

YOU are not old! I am.

I did not wish to continue talking to someone who was pretending to be too mature for her age.

"I'll come to your place and ask Yohaan to come and pick me up. "

You know what, we should have one of those phones people have. You can call anyone from anywhere to anywhere. Cellphones. Imagine if you had one now, you could ask your brother to come over right away.

"Yeah, but I do not have a cellphone and if you do not mind I'll call Yohaan from your land phone. "

Duh! Of course.

"Lila is crazy" I thought.

First she makes me stay over at school for this late and then she talks about technical advancements I was not even interested in learning about. Then she justifies that it was all right for the lady to drop us off somewhere, nowhere in the dark. It was 9:15 and we were 2 young 14 year olds, dressed in a red shirt and a white skirt, our sports uniform, all alone on the lonely streets unaware of any impending danger.

I always preferred walking in adequately lit areas, it gave me a sense of security. Lila on the other hand was turning into some kind of a psycho who proclaimed she knew every street in and out, whether lit or otherwise. She signaled we should take a shortcut, and I strongly disagreed.

This will take us home in 2 mins. That well lit road of yours will take us home in 10 minutes.

"I do not care."

Well I do. We are both going this way.

"No we are not. "

Of course we are!

"Lila. Stop being ridiculous. Why don't you understand it's not safe."

Well, what do you know about my locality. It's absolutely safe. You can come here at 12 in the night and nothing will ever happen to you.

"Well, I don't think so Lila. "

Shut up once and for all and come.

I had no choice than to listen to this crazy female because I was too scared to take the longer route on my own. I was uncomfortable and disturbed and almost in tears for having known Lila.

"What's that sound Lila. "

Don't look. Keep walking.

I heard bikes wheeling and roaring their way into the dark. I turned and looked at them. Four men on two bikes. I was trembling with fear. I knew we were not safe.

"Lila?"

Sssssh. Do not talk. Keep walking. They will go away.

True. they went away. I regained my composure but I was now extremely scared. Lila was scared too. She was a girl too...and she couldn't cover her woman-ness with the mask of a tiger.

"Lila, they're back."

Oh my God.

"Let's hide behind the cars please. "

No. Let's keep walking.

I was right behind Lila and the bikes were nearing us now. They screeched past me and went right up to the end of the street. I knew what was going to happen. I kept walking. The ignition started again, this time they applied more acceleration and headed right in my direction. Suddenly Lila was nowhere to be seen. She was running towards a car...to hide.

I was standing all alone with two bikes approaching me...and suddenly something happened. Something really bad.

All the men swung open their arms and as they sped by me, slapped me.

I fell. Lost.

I heard some cheering behind me. I saw Lila running towards me yelling 'Naaz'

...and then I saw no more.

Iruvatru paium pamale - Subramaniapuram... Like the style!

...

my first untitled post - i'm feeling down suddenly - some sort of a weird feeling - mostly because i'm feeling lonely - been used to loving company off late - loneliness hurts - suddenly - am unable to sleep - but it'll pass - morning will bring new day - new energy - the loving company -

...

I keep looking...

I probably have all things I 'really' need... I probably have what I truly deserve and whatever I have is probably the best... I probably don't have to crib about anything... I probably don't have to look worried or probably don't have to bother much... but... yet...

I keep looking for something... as though I've missed something in my life...something that'll complete this emptiness... some sort of a weird emptiness... I don't know what... I don't even understand... but I just keep looking...

there is a part of me that is 'still' lonely... and in that loneliness I search for something...something inexplicable... I wait for that something to happen... something that'll complete the puzzle...why do I feel that until that something happens I will not be in peace...why do I feel that when that something happens I will completely surrender myself to calm... and everything will be alright... but why do I feel this way?

Sometimes I love detachment... from everything... even from myself...sometimes I cease to exist... sometimes I want to understand what I'm looking for...but whatever it is, knows I'm looking for it and keeps moving away from me...like it's sketching a journey for me... I'm not sure if I should follow the path it has etched for me...I'm not sure if this is the journey I should pursue or remain where I am...

there are too many questions and uncertainties but no answers and no means to find the answers...

For now, I'm looking and I'll keep looking... when I find myself... I'll know...

M.A in Maths?

Is it possible? I mean... is Maths an art? I thought it belonged to the much feared and disliked class called 'science!'

I found this ad online...some matrimony funda... has a pic of 'smert' Indian chic who holds a M.A in Maths, not an M.Sc...


I'm confused!

Leaving...

The day is actually here... I'm leaving...

Google, Hyderabad, friends and everything else...

It feels so weird... Tomorrow is my last day at work and I don't know how I'm going to feel working on my computer for one last time, eating at the cafeteria for one last time and seeing some lovely friendly faces around for the last time... I'm going to miss it all.

I'm going to feel weirder when I leave Hyderabad. :(

:(

“Man ka ho to acchha. Man ka na ho to zyada acchha !”

I read it somewhere. Makes a lot of sense.

Translates into:

If things go according to your wish, then it's good.

If things don't go according to your wish, then it's even better!

Some wishes are not meant to come true...that's when you know, you probably wished for something you really did not deserve and he has something better coming your way.

Peace.

Chancey illai.

This scene from the movie Santhosh Subramaniam makes you go, 'Cha, chancey illai.'

Watch it if you follow Tamil.

Tai Chi dreams...

I was watching this show on NDTV Good times called 'One Life to Love' and someone on the show said, 'do something this year that you've been thinking you could never do.' Several ideas struck me, one of which was Tai Chi. See, why would I ever go to a Tai Chi class. There was no need, I used to think! It's not a question of whether I 'could' or 'would'... but I just didn't want to try it out.

But now I want to. I have been watching videos on it and I'm fascinated. I specially like this guy's moves. So graceful and smooth. His moves just blend with the music, nature and the mystic force around him.

I'm heading to Chennai and enrolling myself for a Tai Chi class!

Other things I want to do... Look at life from a different perspective. And how's that going to happen?

We'll have to wait!