May be I'm never going to Heaven...

Just after I published my post on an irritating colleague at work, I stumbled upon this beautiful story that inflicted enough pain in my heart.


An old man sold toys in the Baghdad market. Knowing that his sight was not quite perfect, his customers sometimes paid him with fake money.


The old man discovered the ruse, but did not say anything.
In his prayers he asked God to forgive those who cheated him.
“Perhaps they’re short of money and want to buy presents for their children,” he said to himself.


The time passed and the old man died. Standing before the gates of Heaven, he prayed once more:


- Lord! – he said. – I am a sinner. I did many wrong things, I am no better than the false coins I was paid. Forgive me!


At that moment the gates swung open and a Voice was heard:


- Forgive what? How can I judge someone who all through his life never once passed judgment on others?

I have judged. Lot of times. Lot of people.

I'll never go to Heaven.

a rainbow

Ive seen a rainbow exactly 5 times in my life... you will agree that it's a very beautiful sight indeed... the day a rainbow appears, I know I love the weather outside. However, I don't know if I'm color blind, or otherwise, I've seen only three colors on it... red, blue and yellow... and most times the yellow, I think, was the tint of the sunlight... but I've loved rainbows...

currently my life is in a rainbow phase, my rainbow,... pleasant weather and mood but occasional bursts of these colors that seem to play and draw impressions... sometimes red when things don't go right and my patience is tested... sometimes blue when I'm sad and depressed and yellow when I laugh... and sometimes all three...

but whatever, my life is pretty beautiful now... (I'm usually not this positive) of course there are ups and downs, but total score= excellent!

what do you call that?

when I was in Hyderabad, I'd keep comparing the place with Chennai and crib about hyd not having this-and-that and all that...when I'd talk to someone about Chennai and hyd I'd tell them how much I miss hyd not having a beach... I'd tell them stuff about how much fun it is to go to the beach and walk and play and eat at the beach... I'd laugh at Hussain Sagar lake and tell myself, 'thu, ithu ellam oru water body' (translates into: they call this a water body?)
its been over 6 months since I got back to Chennai, and its shocking how I have never been to the beach once! not even once!
I mean, if I was raving about it so much and if I was an acting ambassador for marina beach, then the first thing I should have done after landing here, was to make a visit to the beach, which I obviously didn't!
for that matter, I don't even go to church these days (I SHOULD BE ASHAMED!)
hmmm... may be it has to do with the fact that I don't have company... or may be that I'm lazy or may be I'm too engrossed with college or may be because I'm not 'that' crazy about the beach after all...
I was probably just trying to create a reason for not liking hyd!

errm...

I've kinda started writing my 'thoughts' here...

but I seem to be rather pressed for words ;)

Wierd happenings...

Has it ever occurred to you that all of a sudden you start liking what you thought you would detest... In may case, I totally detested 'teaching.' I would never play teacher-teacher in my childhood and even if I was a part of the game I'd simply correct old notebooks or give stars for correct answers, but never really teach.
Now, all of a sudden, I like teaching. It may be temporary... I'll tell you why I like it though...
I'm interning at a NGO as a part of my course work for this semester and with all my gathered 'sighs' and 'grrr' I visited a NGO for the first time in my life...
First day, hated it. Absolutely!
Second day, I was pushed into teaching. I taught. Spoken English classes for the underprivileged.
Third day, I was taking classes for 2 batches.
Now, I take classes for 3 different batches.

Slowly, in time, I started loving it. I don't exactly know what made me like the whole thing. It could be, the kind of respect I earned, the eagerness in learning they showed, the spark each student had, the sense of responsibility the job gave me... it must be something.
The minute I enter class, my whole perspective of life changes. I see women trying to push themselves, to help run their families... I see girls who want to study in good colleges but don't have the money, I see women who don't want to be house maids but a home nurse or a car driver...I see the yearning...
I told them today, don't be scared to face the world. Be confident. If spoken English is your biggest fear overcome it. Speak it. Speak English.
It was echoing in my ears...something like this... 'if teaching, you thought, is what you hate...overcome it... teach...go and teach...'

It's so weird...

Just becos...

I don't have any bloody topic in head - I'll tell you about my past - work life - to be precise.

If you use the internet regularly and if you are a crazy, almost psychotic 'searcher' like me, you'll find my ex-company's logo staring at you on the face - Google to say! Yah, that's where I once worked.

When I entered Google I thought I was mad to join this place b'cos everyone looked like they'd woken up from sleep and just walked in - serious - I'd never imagined that they took the term 'casual' so seriously - if you spot one formally decked guy there, I'll garland you.

When I looked around I noticed food everywhere! EVERYWHERE! On work desks, in the shelves, in the cafe, over laptops, in the refrigerator, every piece of area fit to be a called a 'nook' had food! (Well that explains why gravitational force is harsh on me)

I imagined Google to be quite sober, fingers furiously dancing on keyboards, heads turning around occasionally may be for another sober discussion - it was everything but this!

Google is probably the most liveliest offices one can work in. It has generous splash of colors on walls and floors and chairs, interesting murals, huge resistant balls you have to save yourself from, bean bags in bright yellow, red, green and blue, themed decorated cubicles, exclusive furniture and weirdly fascinating decor and much more.

And the best part is you don't have to work! You just come and enjoy yourself and go! How cool!


Are you mad?! Though, I wish I could say that :P

With all the fun and frolic and blah blah blah, we did have work ;) Of course I chose to not work! that's a totally different story - let's not get to that :P

I met so many people there. I came to hear of and witness some extremely 'yucky' situations people got into, interacted with some warm people, made few friends and as far as I know, I did not make any enemies.

Anyways, there are a lot of good memories attached to this place, but of course, everything can't be rosy. I did have some unpleasant memories and events. It was like someone was weighing me a weighing scale. The needle would fluctuate between 'good times' to 'crappy times' with high oscillation speed.

I came out of it. For good. I must confess that my work experience in terms of the people and the management and the work, has taught me a lot. I use these lessons in my daily life. While studying, while conversing. Google probably is a dream company for many, for me it was just a part of life. I never took it too seriously becos I always knew it was not 'the' place for me. It held a place in my heart but it never conquered me.

Somehow, getting back to college has made me happier. In terms of performance and knowledge.

Happy B'day Google!

Thanks to you, I get my assignments done on time! :)

Colors...

I visited Mylapore this evening to learn photography and take random shots - we're learning about color and all that - and my goodness, that place is drenched in color - in view of Navratri celebrations - it's just too amazing and a shame that I cannot describe it in words - sigh - but I can show you some pics - any comments on my photo skills are MOST welcome! :D

Back to square one!

I remember posting here about how I've never studied in a co-ed institution ever and how it's highly possible that I finally will get to study in a co-ed institution for my post graduation!

Turns out it's never really gonna happen! I'm back to a college filled with 3000 odd girls~! :D

Actually it doesn't surprise me much... it's always been like this...

* When I left college after my under graduation I turned back one last time and told myself, 'I'm never coming back!'

* When I was in school, I'd pass by this college of mine and tell myself, 'come what may, I'll never do my under graduation here!' ...

* When everyone around me was falling in love and bleh bleh, I told myself, 'I'll never fall in love!' :P Rest is history!

* When my dad took us to Hyderabad for a short visit, I told myself, 'I'll never come here!'
And, well, my work pulled me there and I HAD to live there for 2 long years!!

This and much more... like the world is conspiring against me or trying to tell me something... I'm guessing it's trying to tell me, 'yeah, well, nothing is in YOUR hands Hepsiba!'

Oh and when I quit my job, I told myself,' To this place, I shall never return!.'

erhm! Let's wait...

Psst: That picture just shows how tired I am of all the games life is playing on me :P :P

Sunday times...

Oversleeping - wake up call - for the nth time - brush and scrub - oops - bite tongue - no church - big mistake - ask for forgiveness - boil milk - make tea - biscuits - breakfast burp! - wash cup - put cooker on stove - boil water - rice - dal - fry potatoes - beat eggs - omelet - clean dishes - clean room - arrange books - fold clothes - blog - ...

folks out traveling and the maid dumps me!

in the head...

publicity - propoganda - working definition - advertising - ethical problems - lobbying - press agentry - Black - BBC - Hilton - public opinion - ....

That's the way it goes - in the head...




on the eve of an exam...

I like!

Found it here.... I like!

I clearly detest cooking... when I'm tired!

I love cooking when I'm not tired! My parents have been traveling a lot these days and so that usually leaves me with the kitchen, all mine and the option to cook whatever I want. Turned out, the idea was not as tempting as it 'cooked' in my mind. I'd plan what I'd like to make for dinner during class. One day it was puri-aloo, another day it was ven pongal, then it was vada-sambhar... I do most of my recipe planning in class and then savor it in my mind! :D

But the minute I get back home, I get irritated looking at empty dishes in the kitchen. Because I have a brother at home, I HAVE to cook... but I clearly hate cooking after getting back from college. It's past 6 when I reach home and I'm too tired to even take my books out, leave alone cooking.
Yet I managed to cook all these dishes and more, because I really do get hungry. So does my brother.

But...but but but...I have decided I do not want to work after I'm married 'cos then my family is sure to starve or get blasted at for no reason and my husband being forced to cook something for the kids (BIG PICTURE!)

If I have the time and space I'll cook. Promise!

...

my first untitled post - i'm feeling down suddenly - some sort of a weird feeling - mostly because i'm feeling lonely - been used to loving company off late - loneliness hurts - suddenly - am unable to sleep - but it'll pass - morning will bring new day - new energy - the loving company -

...

I keep looking...

I probably have all things I 'really' need... I probably have what I truly deserve and whatever I have is probably the best... I probably don't have to crib about anything... I probably don't have to look worried or probably don't have to bother much... but... yet...

I keep looking for something... as though I've missed something in my life...something that'll complete this emptiness... some sort of a weird emptiness... I don't know what... I don't even understand... but I just keep looking...

there is a part of me that is 'still' lonely... and in that loneliness I search for something...something inexplicable... I wait for that something to happen... something that'll complete the puzzle...why do I feel that until that something happens I will not be in peace...why do I feel that when that something happens I will completely surrender myself to calm... and everything will be alright... but why do I feel this way?

Sometimes I love detachment... from everything... even from myself...sometimes I cease to exist... sometimes I want to understand what I'm looking for...but whatever it is, knows I'm looking for it and keeps moving away from me...like it's sketching a journey for me... I'm not sure if I should follow the path it has etched for me...I'm not sure if this is the journey I should pursue or remain where I am...

there are too many questions and uncertainties but no answers and no means to find the answers...

For now, I'm looking and I'll keep looking... when I find myself... I'll know...

Student days...

I have never studied in a co-ed school/college ever in my life! If you go "WHAAT" at this, then may be I should tell you Post Graduation is on its way! People tell me I have missed so many things in life by not being able to study with 'guys.' Funny but I have never felt so. I have had my share of fun and feel I couldn't have done so many things in my life had I studied with guys! My fond memories date back to class 9. The fun we had interrogating our biology teacher about sex! I can tell you with guys in class none of us would have come out of the inhibition and dared to ask anything on the subject.

But frankly sometimes even I find it funny to realize I have never studied in a co-ed school in my life! I spent 12 years of school life in convents across different states in India and then spent the boring college life in another Convent-ish college! Funny!

If there is one reason why I did not enjoy college then it should be that I always compared it to my dear school. But, I'd like to mention I did have my share of fun in college too, thanks to my dear friend B. If not for her I would have gone mad! I vividly remember bunking classes to buy the very French 'crepes,' jumping the compound wall to watch a dumb movie (yeah I jumped!), getting multiple fraud signatures on gate passes, entering the wrong classroom for the wrong lecture (on purpose), and the list goes on! All this and more but if someone gave me an option to choose between school or college (traveling back in time), I'd choose School, any day!

What makes school so special?

1) Uniform: The only apparel that could accommodate the rich and the poor equally. No one in school was rich or poor, we wore the same dress that cost us all the same!

2) Teachers: You may be in 12th, 9th, 6th or even in 2nd grade, but to your teacher you are always a kid! They come behind you for everything and try to teach you everything and make sure you score well, and are always concerned about you! All of this may have annoyed us, but I yearned for all this in college. In college, it was the 'who-cares' attitude...I know they only meant to make you more responsible or mature or whatever, but school made you feel special and wanted.

3) The canteen: The not-so-appealing yet hunger gratifying food that the school canteen sells! The Re. 5 corn puffs, Re. 8 pop-corn, Re. 10 lemon rice, Re. 15 fried rice, Re. 2,3,5 samosas, Rejoice cold drink!!!, agreed not very tasty, but then where else will you find all this? Sometimes you can be served the best gourmet meal but you'd yearn for the time you spent in your school canteen, may be not for the food, but definitely for the company!

4) The funny faculty: Every school must/should have someone called the funny-guy/lady! Luckily, I met the world's most funniest sir in school! I was healthy in class 12, reason: I studied under this sir! He made me laugh all the time, during class, after class, at home, with friends and even today his memories bring laughter! If you meet your friends 10 years down, you'd say "Hey, remember so-and-so, she used to say this! LOL."

5) P.T Time: Sports period as we all called it, was the most annoying or best (always depends on whether you are the sports field types or not!) period of the day's time-table. We were forced to go to the school grounds and display our athletic or other skills! The best part is the 'P.T misses' (in context to my school) were all not-fit-trim and got tired easily and they would leave us on our own! And...P.T periods became chit-chat sessions while pretending to throw the damned ball somewhere!

6) Sports Day: Yes exactly what should follow after P.T class. Sports day, goes without saying, is the best time of the school year! You are made to march, perform drills, run relays and play silly games while proud parents watch you running around the field and the occasionally yell words of encouragement! I could march decently, but I always got lost in the huge crowd, thanks to my (short) height! I would try my hand at skill games like Pot balance, balloon burst! :D But deep down inside my heart, I always wanted to run...well! Ah and drill! It was the most beautiful part of sports day, we were always given funny costumes and made to hold weird props and DANCE! Yes drill was nothing but 'Dance' to the loud drum beats, LEFT LEFT LEFT-RIGHT-LEFT!

7) Food Fair: Only time guys were allowed on campus. Reason enough to celebrate (for some!) and do we need an explanation when I say 'FOOD?'

8) Children's day celebration: Some fond memories bring tears! Gosh, teachers present a cute assembly, they transform into kids and entertain us, basically our day....No words!

9) Teacher's day: Our turn to show our gratitude to all these blessed beings!

10) Examinations: Oh yes, the finale! School cannot be school without the numerous mid-terms, half-yearly, blah! But, funny, exams are the only things that follow us from school...absolutely nothing else does...It's like we are leaving behind the child in us back in school :(

Did I forget Annual day?? :)

Oh and yes, that's me sleeping in class, surrounded by my friends giving the victorious look, for reasons I do not understand!