Ajith wants to meet Naaz...

I was sitting by my window wondering what my life was coming to. I had a job, I had a super awesome friend, I had a loving family but something was missing from my life.

It was almost 5 years since Dev and I stopped talking. After the cultural event at IIT... I struggled to find him and after 3 months of efforts, I found him. We had no social networking sites then, and I wasn't too much of a Google surfer... but I found him and it was not an entirely pleasant meeting....

****

I was sitting on a wooden bench at St. Vincent De Paul's... I told the security guards, I had come to check out the diploma courses being offered... he believed me and let me in... I was sitting by the chapel and waiting for the Physics class to be dismissed... 'his class gets over at 1:15 and he comes this way' Bharghavi informed me, as told by her friend from the same college...She opted to stay out, to avoid overwhelming him. I liked that. I wanted to meet him alone.

The bell rang and I saw students walking out... My eyes searched for Dev... I spotted him... he was wearing a white shirt and brown khakis... his hair neatly combed, calculating something in his mind.... suddenly everything else became blur... I could only see him.. the gentle wind playing with his soft hair... an occasional dimple.... I lost myself, ONCE AGAIN.... Dev... with whom I fell in love at first sight and every single sight...

'Dev'

"Yeah?" He spoke, and even as he did, my heart skipped a beat.

'Hi!' I spoke softly

"erhmmm...." he mumbled in doubt

Is he pretending? Or did he really forget me?

'Naaz... Remember?'

"Not really" he spoke with confidence

'Oh Ok' I said... and tears started swelling...

'I was waiting to see you Dev and now you say you don't remember me... you know it hurts Dev.. it hurts so bad... forgive me cos I hurt you too... but it was not such a big crime....' I was wailing in silence

I started walking away... I was ashamed of myself... I wanted to kick myself so hard...

"Naaz" that heavenly voice spoke...."Naaz wait...."

I turned back and saw Dev... He was running towards me... a smile on his face... the smile I yearned for...

"So? Madam? Felt like seeing me only now?"

I was started crying loudly now... like an idiot... I was stupid to have thought Dev was serious about having forgotten me... His classmates blinked at him and he assured them that everything was fine... he held me by my arm and pushed to a corner....

"Stop crying Naaz..." he consoled me

'I'm so sorry Dev... I really am...'

"Sorry for what? I'm sorry for not informing you that I was leaving... I'm so sorry Naaz..."

'No I'm sorry...'

"Ok c'mon... No more sorries! Remember No thanks! No Sorry! between friends.... your philosophy!"

I laughed. And that's when I realized Dev was still holding me. I stopped and look at him.

'It's hurting me... you are strong....' I spoke trying to ease myself out of his grip.

He roared in laughter. Our hearts were at peace.

"I left behind a note with my number and contact details for you with the security guard. Didn't you get it?"

'WHAT??? NOOOO! I didn't! I will murder him! I really will....'

"We'll ask Bhargavi to do that... cos I don't want you to go to jail..."

'Well, HA HA HA. Good joke Mr. Dev. If that's the case then I might as well murder you too!" Bhargavi spoke.

'Bhargavi!' I squealed in joy.

'You dare sideline me, mister and miss!!!' she demanded.

"Erhmm... I won't. Sorry we won't." Dev assured her.

'I' was slowly becoming 'we' and I felt a sudden sting of pain that I cannot describe... it was a pain that brought with it immense happiness...

****

Dev and I started going out, though not very often and Bhargavi would always tag along. During times when Bhargavi wouldn't make it, we'd go to the beach and play scrabble. We loved playing scrabble together. I always defeated Dev. Though sometimes I felt he let me win.

Dev and I never really fell in love. Though it's not completely true. I fell in love with one the first day. But I don't know what love's definition is. For me it was joy. Peace. And losing myself. We were happy in each other's company. But, one day, even that was gone. After that...my heart was always heavy... like I had lost something really dear...

I had a new friend in my life now, Ajith. Dev's sibling. Weird, but though it feels like I'm so close to getting in touch with Dev again, it still seems far impossible... After our meeting in the train, we exchanged our phone numbers.

I never call him, but Ajith never fails to text me every morning wishing me a great morning. I don't always reply back, but he makes sure I'm reminded of him everyday! Today I was going to meet him at a coffee shop... he wanted to talk...

Since morning I have this numb feeling... the hesitance, the doubts... I had been sitting by my window aimlessly watching birds fly and people walk....

What is he going to talk? Is it about Dev? What had Dev told Ajith about me?

The thought was killing me.

Please let them know it's Christmas....

I'm just listening to an awesome carol... 'Do they know it's Christmas time' - Band Aid

they say at Christmas time we have fun and luxury.... but there's a world out there where the only water flowing is the bitters tears...and the greatest gift they'd get for Christmas is probably 'life' ... how true... the song is in context to Africa specifically... but one can relate it to any place, even home...

Ok no sadness... just pray for all the people who are suffering....and let them know it's Christmas, the time for hope and love :)

I want to make some things clear...

First - I'm not a show off! Trust me... I keep quiet about a lot of things...

After reading this some people might think ' Oh.. too much... thinks she's too rich... bleh bleh :P'

So-- No! I cannot pay someone a penny as salary cos I don't have a job myself... I was just so irritated with that idiot that in my eyes he fell so low, I imagined he was earning peanuts... so 5 times more peanuts?, Yes I can afford that! :D

That was it :P So all of you who think I have airs... THAT'S A BLATANT LIE :D

Yay! December is here!

I love December. I love it so much, that I have this feeling that December belongs to me. And only me. Pure obsession. Well, in my world it's perfectly fine :)

I grew up listening to Christmas carols all through the month of December. My father always brought back from his trips great cartoons on Christmas and Christmas Carol CDs. As Christmas got closer my house would become brighter and prettier. When I was old enough to carry objects I started decorating my house and room and everything I wanted to decorate, with ribbons and ornaments and stars and candles and light. Even my flower pots got decorated. Soon I learn't how to bake cakes and started baking my own versions of Christmas cakes. Though, I must admit they're not very yummy:P There is never a dearth for good food in my house, but during Christmas you'll find me chomping food like a routine breathing session (And not a sign of guilt!) Sigh.

But December is not only about Christmas for me... it's about birthdays and wedding anniversaries too! My dad's b'day, my b'day, my parent's wedding anniversary, Christmas and of course new year's eve... December is like an entire package of goodies!

Even as I talk about it, I am excited! So, here's welcoming My December! :)

I hope December brings good cheer and warmth to your hearts as well :)

In this colorful world

an idiot once told me... 'I don't know why you work here, may be a financial need or commitment'

I thought to myself... 'you loser... if you quit this job and work for me I can pay you 5 times more.'

and he took the liberty to comment like this, becos I wasn't fashion conscious nor was I some party animal nor did I 'LOOK' rich! From the way I dressed it was almost impossible to guess I didn't really care about how much I was paid and that my family ever needed a penny from my end. If they expect me to work, the extra bit I can do for them is do my job well... I can't really take the trouble to look like a pompous super model multitasking between looks and work and still do it well. I always dressed well. But never rich. I didn't need to. I wasn't looking to attract someone and all that (You get it!)

Bl**dy colored world look at you from the outside.

Go eat rotten apples!

Love builds bridges where there are none. -R. H. Delaney

I sat down to post something and then I engaged myself in some random work and then I completely forgot what I wanted to post! WTH!
So this post is just going to be random. The title has nothing to do with the content, except that I agree with it.

Off late I'm being subject to a lot of surprises... when I heard she (someone I know) got married, it absolutely took me by surprise and I was further taken aback when I learnt she got married to a boy her folks selected for her! I always believed she'd chose her own destiny. Guess, life brings with it some sweet throws.
Almost every month there is a wedding invite in my mail box - I'm tired of fretting over what I should wear, whom I will meet and and all that...
Suddenly, my classmates are all getting married and some having kids!
All of this is making me feel really old. But with all these weddings happening everywhere I'm getting this weird feeling that I should get married too...
and then these feelings intensify and I just sit and hope, I should get married soon, somehow!

Like a retard!

Sigh...

All Is Fair In Love! (A booklet in flash - Click on page folds to read)

The winner stands alone~

mad or what?

A question that has been posed many times and to which I sometimes don't have an answer to.
I mean, what should I say?
No - I'm not mad? (usually this is the answer that draws to the conclusion that you are really mad. Mad people always say they are not mad :D)
Yes - I'm mad (and this is the confirmation!)

So what do I say?
When I stay up all night to finish some assignment, my friends ask me 'aye loosu aa nee?' (translates into: are you mad?)
Then when I say something like "I'm going to diet" they ask 'hahaha... are you mad?' (this I can understand!)
When I ask them things like, 'hey you cooked this dish yourself?' they reply 'Nooo...mad or what?'


Hmmm!

Sometimes, people call others names like 'Mental case,' 'Looosu,' 'mad female'... LOL! that too lovingly... :D

I ask, are they mad or what?

My tailor rocks!

He stitched all my dresses in 10 days! Totally cool... the other tailor - you are too uncool!

This has been a bad blogging year :(

In a world without Facebook and the like...

there wouldn't be so many buyers of digital cameras... there wouldn't be so many people taking pictures of their little red shoes or new headphones or flaunt a new haircut or a stray cat or change their display pic every 2 days...
Imagine a world without Facebook (cos I'm in India)... I wouldn't feel the need to take pics of my friends when writing an assignment or I wouldn't feel the need to take pics of my new coffee mug...or walk into an eatery and take millions of pics with us holding the food or trying to feed eachother or just laughing and having fun...even if it only means to create envy on someone's eye... I wouldn't feel the need to carry a camera everywhere I went.
In a world without Facebook, I would have taken pictures that really mean something and then frame it. Put them together in an album and keep it safely.
In a world without FB, I wouldn't show my pics to some random chick from my school who didn't even speak to me back then.
If FB didnt exist I wouldn't tell the world, the time I go to sleep and the time I wake up... the time I'm frustrated and the time I feel elated...
I would have rather called my friend and shared my feelings...
In a world without Facebook and the like... I probably would have just carried on with life without being affected in any way though I may have seemed boring to many...
but it wouldn't matter to me, anyways!
In a world without FB I would have never discovered that those whom I thought I knew, I really didn't know.

when you're alone in the dark...

why does a scene from 'that' horror movie start playing?
esp in a hotel.
Luck always plays hard on me. I always end up getting the last room on the corridor, and surprisingly enough, the corridor is very calm and LONELY! It always happens.
sometimes I wish, hotels would really go to the extent of bringing some life on the corridor, like someone selling groundnuts or tea.
A says "NOOO! That's even scarier. What if he kills you?"
Yeah right!
The fear of walking alone on a bloody lonely corridor with possible psychos living right across your room is suicidal enough. what if doors fling open?
When I walk to my room, I always have a feeling that some door will just open up and a little pale white boy will smile at me and then show me his knife.
Ahhhhh!
Then I chant S.A's (St. Antony) name. Also, Jesus, St. Jude, sometimes my own name in fear.
Sometimes I run. Point A: Elevator. Point B: My room. In one shot, I run.
And then, sometimes, I do the most foolish thing. I walk backwards.
Like anticipating the sudden appearance of a potential murderer or ghost. I did that once, and a guy did show up. He had a cup of coffee in his hand. He saw me walking like that, and got scared. He ran away. I ran faster, backwards.
Like a moron.
As soon as I reached my room, I yelped. Then did some jumping in joy. I got back alive. Even if it meant that every time he saw me, he'd look at me as though I needed to be at the rehab. Badly.
Worth it, anyways.

Still not gotten over the fear. It freaks me out to walk corridors, to sit in the room alone at night. You'll oft find me disturbing sleeping family members. In desperate efforts to stay nocturnal yet safe.
At 3 AM, our house is pretty well illuminated.

Bottomline: I should stop watching horror movies.

In a frame...

frozen emotions convey a lot of messages. bring back memories. flush out the bad. put you to sleep. peace.
just wondering if having possessed a digi cam in school would have filled my sometimes empty frames? May be.
I would have taken a shot of my friends at lunch time. probably would have taken a shot of my lecturer taking the trouble to 'dress up' to school, girls school. would have taken trillions of shot of SS. He is my hero! I would have taken more shots of my classroom, lab, the place where I sat... possibly everything within the scope.
fading memory is not quite a faithful friend. images become blurry and soon blend with the nothing.
well, as long as I'm still able to bend down to pick up something I dropped, my memories will stay fresh.
my frames have some definition. but they will cease to exist. someday.

got it.

I'm busy.
I fall sick on and off.
I talk lots.
I bunk college.
I make fun of people.
I make fun of myself.
I workout.
I eat like a pig.
I don't fight. Anymore.
I trust.
I'm happy.

I don't blog.

touch touch

I saw millions of pics on a SNS today and it suddenly struck me that too much of 'touchings' are happening these days.
'Touchings' I call it, but all it means is that people cannot take their hands off each other while posing for pics.
I come from a family that strictly forbids me to go to discos, booze parties... (you get the picture)... I never complain. Becos they never forbid me from having fun. My definition of fun and theirs match perfectly. We love traveling and eating good food. We love shopping. We love everything, we love.
But somehow, both my family and I hate such gestures of holding people in arms... you must be thinking our pictures must be a piece of boring non-sense... but no... !! :) We have some really beautiful portraits!

Let me clarify, 'touchings' refers to an act that involves subjects from 2 different sexes, holding eachother!

So I was telling you, I saw millions of pics on a SNS today and got thoroughly confused. I thought 'she' was seeing somebody but then 'she' was pouting her lips and projecting her 'oomph' with every single guy in that picture.
I don't know which 'lover' likes to see his sesky gf being held provocatively by some random dude. Or am I missing something? Trust?
Even if they trust eachother so much, DUDE... he's still touching and feeling your GF! Uff!

Or may be, Social Networking Sites have just brought out the 'need-to-be-noticed' syndrome in people.

I don't get irritated or frustrated seeing this, but I have been thinking a lot about this. People 'touching' and people dressing up atrociously for a coffee!

This post probably makes u think, I'm OLD and narrow minded... but I'm just a spectator. And a spectator who has the power to express her opinions.
Ok, the point you should take from this post, I don't like anybody touching me! :)

I should have been born with my grandparents! :D

this has never happened

though there have been times when Ive just sat staring at this empty space called 'create new post' and simply closed the window after sometime because nothing blog-worthy struck my mind.
But something of this sort has never happened before. Me forgetting my own blog's URL.

GASP!

It took me almost 10 mins to recollect this URL! You may feel like punching me and telling me, 'duh, you could have just logged on to blogger.com.' But you see I never log in. I just visit my page.

Coming to the point. I forgot my blog URL.

I can't come to terms with it! :D

Early wedding plans...

I HAVE to get married at some point, you know. I was going through some garb in my desk and found a tiny chit of paper that read, 'I will not get married because I don't like boys.' The date indicated that I had written it down when I was barely 13. I have no idea why I wrote that and I find it very funny now.
So the other day we (mother, bro and I) were discussing where I will settle after I get married, how I will cook for A and whether at all I will cook for him in the mornings, will he be the first person to wake up, will I still be a cry baby... and then it struck us that first there has to be a wedding for which guests have to be invited. So we started throwing in names of people likely to be invited for 'my' wedding...
"Atleast a 70 from my end" declared my brother.
"What? It is MY wedding and NOT yours. You're inviting all your friends? "
"Ya YA!"
"Hmm... All the Patels will come, Menons, Nairs, Reddy, kitty friends, Nanwani, Lalwani, Budhrani... ok so all 'wanis'... Daddy's business friends, all our family friends, your lecturers from school and college, Kerala relatives, Kanyakumari relatives, Bangalore relatives, relatives overseas, Daddy's classmates, A's family, A's relatives from all over...
blah blah.."
For the next 10 mins my mother went on and on and on...

"Ok stop... "
So far the number was touching 1000 odd...
"What about my friends?"
"Oh sorry. We'll include the 15 of them..."
"That's a gross underestimate"
"Ok, 30 then"
"I don't think YOUR friends will even come" somebody murmured.

For a rough estimate the numbers were really huge and soaring.
"Erhm... you think we can accomodate such a large number in T? I mean will they cook for SO many people?"
"They'll probably close down the hotel..."
"WHAT? No. They'll probably not entertain us."
"So the only option we'll have is have it in a mandapam?"
"Nooooooo..."
"No other option"
"No... let's not come to that conclusion. Let's see."
"BTW when is the wedding?"
"WHAT?"
"We have the groom. We have the bride. So when is the wedding?"
"We have them both. But the bride is NOT ready. Ok?"
"Weight issues."
"YES!"
"But seriously when is the wedding?"
"Who knows. Next year?"
"This is too much. Making plans so early. We have like a lifetime more."
"Monnae (dear son), this one year will fly away like a second..."
"OK you are scaring me. I need many thousands of seconds to work out and lose weight."
"Hehehe"
"The list is scary."
"Yes. Let's chuck H's friends. Too many guys will cause too much noise."
"Ya? Why don't you get married under water then."

And the conversation continues... There's no fixed date... but 'wedding' is a fun topic to discuss and plan on! :)

a comment

This is how someone extremely concerned and disturbed about my post on tattoo, commented:

"Everything I have heard come from your mouth makes me dumber It is an art and self expression I hope one day you go into a dark alley and there be a guy with a tattoo gun and jabs it into your damn eye if you have such a problem then just pop your pills and die already we the people do not need you on this planet or any other for that matter you make me sick... you are sickening just to hear your words make me glad I am free and not owned by your dumb ass... I hope the maggots of a thousand fly's infest your being... You trashy ass clown!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

First: this person leaves an anonymous comment - is that being coward or COWARD?
second: the same someone curses ME for expressing MY views and frustration on MY blog!
third: the person says he/she has become DUMBER because of every word he/she heard from my mouth - So this person was only DUMB earlier. hahahahahaha
Four: He/she happens to think I WILL definitely go into a dark alley all by myself!
Five: He/she is glad that she/he is not owned by my dumb ass - does that make sense? I don't think my ass owns anybody! hahaha!


LOL!

Your comment doesn't bother me. I'm just surprised that you got so angry but had NOT the guts to surface and be a man (or woman)! We have many like you here who just sit and curse but don't do anything :) because you don't have the guts to come out! :)


BTW I'm glad a wide cross section of people are reading my blog!

Saree... eeerrrrrrrrr

My teachers think I'm a rebel.
My classmates think I'm a snob.
My family thinks I'm silly.
My A doesn't mind.

But I hate the sight of a Saree. I hate wearing a Saree. I hate to hear the word Saree.

I lost count on the number of times I have cried because 'somebody' asked me to wear a Saree. I have pulled my hair and stomped on the floor because 'someone' claims Saree is a professional dress code and I should follow the code.

Ironically you'll never find a picture of me sulking in a Saree. Leading to the thought, that I'm probably happy wearing one. But, the truth is, even if I'm wearing rags, if I'm asked to stand still for a pic, I'll smile.

Saree suits some people. On me, a Saree looks like a blanket. I just can't drape it around. Even today, my mother drapes it for me. Even if it comes out well, I cannot carry myself in it. I will stoop down looking like a hunch back, pull down my pallu continuously like a maniac, hit my forehead and so on.

I have psychological issues with wearing a Saree. The day I wear one, I'll get back home in the evening and just rip it apart. I have torn so many Sarees in the act. I can't help it.

And no one understands. Except A. And my mother knows too.

I don't know how to overcome this phobia or rather an itching irritation. After typing so many 'Saree' I feel sick already.

I can already imagine how I will look on my wedding day. Poor A.

When Naaz and Dev met...

Traveling can be fun when you are with friends and when you have no real destination in mind. Just mindless trips. But I hated traveling. And traveling alone was like being subjected to some kind of a punishment. I am mostly not comfortable with large crowds and I always keep imagining I'll end up with a creep beside me. I checked the passenger list chart outside the train compartment. Naaz Zachariah, female 26, B 49. I got into the train and found my seat.
'Lower berth. shucks' I cursed.
I liked upper berths. Gave me some kind of a privacy.
'I'll ask someone to exchange their berth with me.' I thought
I sat by the window, watching families talking to their loved ones in the train.
"Don't stay out too late. Eat well. Don't eat anything spicy. Remember what the doctor told you" a mother was advising her son.
"Call me as soon as you reach" a lover was saying.
"Madam biscuits? Chips? Samosa?" a boy asked.
'No'
"Please madam. Please" he begged
'No. Leave'
He mumbled something till he got chased out of compartment.
''These guys are not suppose to enter the AC compartment'' spoke an elderly person.
The announcement was made. The train was to leave in 10 minutes. A mother and her baby son occupied the opposite berth. I smiled at her. She smiled back but she had tears in her eyes.
I looked out to see who had come to send her off and saw an elderly couple waving goodbye, tears welling in their eyes.
'Parents?' I wanted to ask. But left it at that. Let her cry, I thought. Crying helps.

I remembered the day Dev walked away.

****

'Bhargavi what do I do man? I just hurt him.'
"why did you throw the straw?"
'I don't know. You know how I am. I don't share such things with people.'
"You know Naaz. That minute he was with you, he was not 'people,' he was yours."
'No I don't get it.'
"You won't Naaz. He tried to come closer to you. And you just pushed him away."
'See I like him. I liked him the first instance I saw him. But this is the second time I'm meeting him. I can't share the same straw or spoon or anything.'
"Ok leave it. Let's find him. And you say sorry."
'Yes I will. I feel awful.'

We looked for him everywhere. But in vain. And who are we to blame? You can't find an elephant in that mad crowd.

I didn't speak a word throughout. I just kept thinking about that one moment he tried to get closer to me. And that poor guy only attempted to share a drink with me.
But to me it would have meant the weirdest thing in the world. May be I didn't deserve to be loved.

"Naaz let's go check if he is in his room."
'Ok'
I'm a fool. I'm a fool. It was after all a bloody drink. It was not a kiss or anything.

"Erhmm, is Dev Mathew available?"
"You are?"
"His friend. Friends. Bhargavi and Naaz."
"Extension number?"
"What?"
"Whats his extension number?"
"I don't know."
"I'm sorry I can't help you."
"Please sir. He studies in Vincent De Paul. He is staying here just for 2 days. He may be leaving today."
"Oh then he might have left. Theiryala. (Don't know)"
"Sir please check the register and see if he is still here."
"Seri seri. (OK OK)"
He ran his fingers across pages and rested them on one name. The person I fell in love with at first sight.
"Dev Mathew. He has just left."

My heart sank. I cried. I don't know why.

"Did he do something to you? Why are you crying?" the security guard asked.

Bhargavi pulled me away.
"Naaz. Stop crying. You can't cry like this. Come let's go. We'll find a way."
'I feel miserable Bhargavi. I hurt him.'
"No you didn't. People don't leave for such things. May be his bus was about to leave. Be positive. Come let's get back home."

I kept crying on my way back home. I kept thinking about his face. His smile. The connect. Everything. I thought about my life without his smile. It was like a dream. Dev was my dream come true. But I had ruined my dream.

I ran up to my room as soon as I reached home and Bhargavi left me alone.
She told me, "Crying helps. Cry it out. But call me as soon as you are done."

****

'My name is Naaz. Your son is very adorable. What's his name?' I asked the lady as the train slowly pulled off.
"I'm Arpita. This is Arpan. He is 6 months old."
'Arpan is very handsome. He'll grow to attract pretty women' I laughed.
She laughed away her tears.
I looked away into the dark space outside the window. The station lights far away now seemed like a tiny little spot.
"Daughter, is this your berth?" asked an elderly woman.
'Yes it is aunty' I replied.
"Will it be ok if my husband would exchange his ticket with you? He'd prefer a lower berth. His is an upper berth. Broken back."
'There's no need to explain Aunty. I can understand. He can sit here. I'll take his place.'
"Thank you very much daughter."
'Please don't mention it aunty.'
I exchanged my ticket with the old gentleman who also did not fail to thank me and took my luggage.
'Bye Arpan.' I waved at the little baby.
His mother took his hands and made him wave back at me.
'So cute' I thought.

I found my seat. But I also found 2 handsome guys sitting alongside.
I was hesitant initially, but it was too late now. I sat down.
I told myself I'd never indulge in a conversation.
To my surprise, they took no notice of my very presence. They kept yapping away discussing things which made no sense to me.
'Good. I can read a book' I thought
I took out a book I had kept reserved for train travels. Ulysses.
"Hey is this book good?" someone asked
I knew it was one of the two. I pretended to not hear and continued reading.
"Hey you, kannadi (spectacled one)" they giggled.
'What?' I almost yelled.
"Sorry. We used humor to distract you."
'I'm sorry, was that a joke? Because I didn't find it funny.'
Don't fight. Don't fight.
"Erhm, so is the book any good."
'May be.'
"Ok. I'm Pradeep."
'I'm not interested.'
"Nice name there."
'OMG even this is not funny.'
"No one said its a joke." They laughed.
'Fine. what do you want?'
"Nothing. Just thought you'd be interested in talking."
'Apparently, I'm not.'
"Chal yaar, chodd na. Bechari bahut akeli hogi." (Leave it friend, she must be lonely.)
Ya they think I can't follow Hindi. Let them ramble on.
"Sundar hai yaar. Socha tha impress kar loonga." (She is pretty. thought I could impress her.)
That's it. I'm not holding it any longer. Before they start describing anything.
'Mujhe bhi Hindi aatha hai' (I can follow Hindi)
They kept quiet for sometime.
"I'm sorry" Pradeep spoke.
'For?'
"For offending you."
'That's ok.'
"Friends?"
'Do I look interested?' I asked
"But why? Let me tell you, I'm not a creep."
'I didn't ask.'
"We're a Vincent De Paul alumni."
those words hit me hard. but I hid my emotions.
'Oh. Good.'
"That's all? You say Good?"
'Yes. I'm from Clare's'
"Ohhhhh!!! Then we are definitely friends."
'So I guess I should get on to my berth. Will read my book in peace.'
"Ok. BTW this is Ajith, my friend from college."
'Hi Ajith. I'll be off now.'

I lay down on my berth and read.

"Dude she said Hi to you" Pradeep spoke.
"Let's not discuss her. I know her." Ajith spoke.
He knew me? I moved closer to the edge.
"How?"
"I told you let's not discuss her."
He looked up to see if I was listening, but with one quick move I moved my head back into place.
How does he know me? This is killing me now.

I don't remember when I fell asleep. My book was lying on Pradeep's lap.
What's my book doing there? I asked him firmly.
I started imagining he'd have flicked it from me when I was asleep.
'You creep. Give it back.' I yelled
"Relax Naaz. It fell down yesterday."
OMG he knew my name. I didn't want to get down. I looked for the other guy, Ajith. He was nowhere in sight.
I got down slowly and took my book away. I didn't look at Pradeep.
"Hi there" Ajith spoke.
'Listen, how the hell do you know me? Tell me?' I yelled
"Relax."
'No. Sorry. You tell me.'
"I have never met you in person. But I have seen your pic."
'My pic? where?'
In my brother's room.
'Your brother?'
"Tea?"
'No. Your brother?'
"Pradeep, pass me some cookies will ya?"
"Sure dude. Here."
Ajith was lying. I knew. I didn't ask him anything else. I was not desperate. And even if I was, I was not going to show it out to him. The creep.

After 30 long minutes, I was to get down. I took my luggage out and walked away. I didn't say a word to those creeps. I stood near the door praying I'd never see them again.

I got down and walked without placing one glance behind.

"Naaz... wait." someone yelled.
It must be that creep.
I continued walking.
"Naaz..."
I turned back and saw Ajith running towards me.
Gosh, he must be running to tell me something stupid. I hoped he'd slip and fall.
"Here."
'What is this? A photo?'
"See the photo."
'Yeah bleh.'

What I saw didn't anger me or bring shock...

What I saw made me feel weird...

It was my Dev hugging Ajith.

Ajith Mathew, Dev's sibling.

Morning with ARR

First things first: Sir, please accept my hearty congratulations.

Yaah, like he's going to read it. Well! Still!

I was studying mass communication models, when I saw him holding that golden curvy beauty in his hands.
Oh Yes! We've made it, my heart jumped. No one deserves it more than you man. You're the best.
Tiny tears taking shape.

Voices at the back: Oh Great! Rahman is THE man. But what's so great about the music in this movie?
T.V guy: Yes. Not great. Not great at all.
Student: Yes! Not all that great. I don't seem to attach to it at all. Yuvraaj sounds much better!

Rahman: Ellam Pugazhum Iraivanukkey.
(All glory to God)

Voices: Did you hear that? He spoke in Tamil!
Catching up: Yes. He did. But don't be so excited about it because it might sound like you're insecure or something.
Voices: No. See it IS a big deal! How many people do that?
Mumble: Proud day for Tamilians huh?
T.V Guy: Say India.
Mumble: Yeah when we win Oscars we are India. When we make a mistake, we are Tamilians.

Closing the book: Yes. You're right. Not many do that. Especially in a world where some people even feel ashamed to call themselves Tamil speaking.
Voices: Yes. They fear isolation. They think it's got to do with backward class or color or the language itself. Chi.
Opening the book: OMG. I can use this to explain the Spiral of Silence.
Voices: The Spiral of what?
Recollecting: The Spiral of Silence. Some people tend to remain silent when they feel that their views are in the minority, for fear of isolation.
Voices: Full marks. Good.

All eyes on T.V: Great. We finally got an Oscar. But wish it was for an Indian movie.
T.V Guy: Well it is about India. Slums and all.
Glaring woman: Well what do you expect the slave master to see?
T.V Guy: Slave master?
Glaring Woman: The British. Who else? 'Oh let's go to India, the SLUM country.' They only see beggars and slums or what?
T.V Guy: You know slave master sounds so funny.
Pretending student: Ya. But makes sense tho. We were slaves. They were the masters. Sigh.
T.V Guy: Ok leave that. I don't think the music's great. ARR should have won the Oscars years back. Na?
All: Absolutely.

Getting up: Ya like for RDB or something. Oh, for Ayutha Ezhuthu (Yuva) or Lagaan too. Cha. He should have got the Oscars long back. Stupid hypocrites, them Whites.
T.V Guy: No stereotypes.
Walking away: Oh yes. No stereotypes. I'll remember that. But I want to be like ARR. Want to acknowledge my tongue in front of scores of people who don't even understand the language.
Mum: Want to be like ARR it seems. Go dust your keyboard first. Sorry, go keyboard the DUST.

Me: Let's look at News Diffusion model.

Red & Red and other hues...

I love it when the color red becomes the prime focus of an occasion. I know of only 3 occasions where red takes the royal seat. Christmas, Valentines day and Indian weddings. Roses, hearts, ornaments, pretty gift wraps and everything else looks so rich and divine in dense red. I even found cup cakes in red. What a beauty!
You can find the recipe to this and many other valentine specials, here.

This Valentines day, I have nothing much to do than go to college and sleep. Valentines Day has never really excited us (A&I), because we think there needn't be one day to celebrate love. True!
But that doesn't stop us from doing little things for each other. We usually send out e-cards or letters. I think letters mean a lot. And when you read them sometime in the future, it strikes you how much you have grown since then or you simply cry. Letters preserve your present, your current state of mind. Don't you think?

Now there's one other thing to all this Valentine's Red. The unnecessary marketing and promotion of things one really doesn't need. I mean, you don' t need to buy cards for 100 odd bucks each. Or teddies priced so much that you wallet skips a beat. Or Roses in exchange for your sweat.
The money we spend, really makes the heart bleed. That's red too ;)
What's worse is, you start feeling that if you don't buy a teddy or roses or perfume or cakes or wine, you've not completely done justice to the day. Valentines day can be fun even without the bucks. You make the choice.

I have nothing against this day, because Love is a very beautiful emotion. I just don't believe in indulging too much. I don't give in to the pressures of marketers! :D

I love how everything is Red. I just love the feel. Red gives some kind of a soothing warmth.

Happy Valentines Day!

If I was God...

I highly doubt the possibility of the same happening becos then the world would be filled with all 'fake' good people, I'm a sucker at judgments.

I'm anyway gonna post this assuming someone made a mistake of giving me the choice.

I was made to think on this since class 9. Back then I used to listen to the radio at nights, that's when they'd play English songs. Not that I was a fan or anything but I didn't have anything else to do. Besides, I particularly liked one RJ who had the most amazing voice. The show encouraged callers who'd dial in and then were asked to answer questions just to add the 'glitter.'
I dialed in one day. And 'that' man answered my call. My heart skipped a beat. The question that day was, 'If you were God for a day...'
I can't believe I said what I said.
'I'd become a guy and see what it feels like to be one.' ?!!??!!
See I assumed when I become God I'd still be a 'girl.'
That guy just said, 'Oh hmm.' He must have thought, 'where do these people come from?'

Today I want to give it some serious thought.

10 things I would do if I was God:

1. Not have too many planets. I don't want kids to study 'My Very Educated Mother Just Showed Us Nine Planets.' It'd just be, I know there's only one planet and no one need show it to me.
2. I'd name the sole planet 'Life' and trademark it.
3. Wipe away headaches.
4. Come and live on 'life' and not set up a drama by proclaiming I'm in heaven and that you have to die in order to see me. There's no heaven or good or bad associated with it. You can see me whenever you want to. You probably have to take an appointment though.
5. I won't send you to hell if you do something bad. There's no hell. I'll just let your parents slap you.
6. You won't be allowed to hit your parents back. Hah! How's that?
7. You won't have to worry about weight because while I am your God nobody puts on any unwanted weight. Nobody gets that hungry in our world. And even if you do, you always crap all the excess fat!
8. I will not allow girls and boys fighting for things like pink is cool or machines rock bleh bleh. Everyone respects the other person's opinion.
9. I will make sure everybody understands everything, be it science, commerce or anything. No one remains in the dark or be a subject of ridicule or be termed indifferent or ignorant.
10. If there's one orphan there will be one childless parent, so they can meet and set up their world. So, in our world there won't be any orphanages.
11. If a beloved leaves you I won't let you cry so much that you become miserable. You'll always have me.
12. There's no limit to creativity in our world. Absolutely.
Like there's no limit to just keeping my points to 10.
13. You can go for walks alone at night. There's no ghost/ rapist/murderer/ psycho. I straightened the heads.
14. All competitions will be healthy. Any foul play is subjected to Point 5.
15. You won't worship me. We are friends. We have no religion.

What's all this rubbish they taught me?

Rock-a-bye baby
on the tree top,
when the wind blows
the cradle will rock,
when the bough breaks
the cradle will fall,
down will come baby,
cradle and all.

Can you get more negative?

Why didn't they just tell us the baby and the cradle was safe all through. And who leaves a baby on the tree top anyway?

Then we have our dear Humpty, who's only sitting on a wall and chilling. But they tell us,

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall;
All the King's horses
And all the king's men.
Cannot put Humpty Dumpty
Together again.

Why? Why all the negativeness?

They don't spare dear Jack and Jill who simply go up the hill to fetch some water... but NO, They throw them down too.

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To fetch a pail of water,
Jack fell down and broke his crown,
And Jill came tumbling after.

Then, they even threw us all down...

Ring-a-ring-a-roses,
A pocket full of posies;
Hush! hush! hush! hush!
We're all tumbled down.

Here's what people think of the poem!


I ask why?

Why didn't the baby just sleep on his mother's lap?
Why didn't humpty have a breezy evening and safely get back home?
Why didn't Jack and Jill bring back the water safely?
Why did we all 'tumble down' when playing?

Why?

They should seriously write Positive stuff.


You get the picture.

I can't believe I was taught all this!

When Naaz met Dev - Part 3

At least I thought he was smiling. He was still glaring at me.

'Why are you glaring at me?'
"Why shouldn't I?"
'You make me uncomfortable...'
"You made me nervous"
'I did? When?'
"By standing right in front of my eyes"
'It was not intentional plus you were not even looking at me'
"I did it on purpose... whenever I looked at you I felt funny"
'Oh'
"Yes"

"Naaz?"
'Huh?'
"Dev has been trying to tell you something for the past 2 mins, where have you been madam?"
'Huh? what?'
"Are you OK Naaz?"
'Yes yes. Yes I am.'
"Spaced out again?" he asked.
'Yes kinda.'
"How did you like our performance?"
'Oh it was awesome. You play the guitar so well'
"Thank you."

It was so weird. Just sometime back Dev and I were having a conversation. But here he was talking to me as though nothing had happened.

I must be mad. Mental dialoguing. That's normal!

"What say Naaz if we go and grab a bite?"
'I want to watch the rest of the show.'
What the hell did I just say?
"As you wish."
'Owwwwwwwwwwwwww' Bhargavi pinched me hard.
"Just what do you think you're doing? Why don't you go with him?"
People were looking at me and I pretended to enjoy the show. To cover it all up I yelled again, to make people believe I was actually cheering the band.
"What a loser!"
I looked at Dev. He was simply listening to the music and composing mental notes and playing it on his invisible guitar.
'Dev, let's get something to eat.'
"Are you sure?"
'Yes.'
"Come lets go" jumped Bhargavi.
'Why are you coming?'
"I'm sorry is this a date? And I'll get lost here you fool."

We walked in silence. As though Dev had just proposed. And I had just said yes.

WTH. It was food after all. I was going to gorge on it once I saw it. I'd forget his very existence at that moment.

I prayed I don't hog and spoil my reputation.

"Frankie?" He asked
'No I'm dieting.'
"Whoa!" Dev and Bhargavi cried in unison.
'Yah. What's the big deal. I'm trying to lose some weight.'
"Yah right. You do have a fat... ego!" Bhargavi screamed. "Do they have diets for all this?"
GRRRRR
"Ok chill. What do you want to eat Naaz" Dev spoke softly.
'I'll have some juice. Pome'
"I'll get it. Bhargavi get me one chicken tikka frankie please while I get Naaz her drink."
"I'll do that."
She started walking up to the counter but I stopped her.
'I'll get it for him.'
"Oh the Loves!"
'BLAH BLAH.'
One chicken tikka frankie please.

He was frying the thin egg paranthas on the pan. The yummy aroma of onions and chilli and chicken tikka applied on the fried parantha and rolled into the delicacy just made my mouth water.

"Ah Naaz, here's your drink."
'And here's your frankie'
"Thanks a lot!"
'No thank you. We're friends.'
"Oh the philosophy!"
I blushed.

"I've never tried Pome juice ever." Dev spoke.
'Ah you must try. It's good.' I said sipping.
"Ok." and he looked away.
Bhargavi gave me the looks.
What?
Learn to share!
Ohhhh!
Ohhhhhhhhh.
'Erm, do you want a sip?'
"I don't mind." He said and took a sip.

He took a sip. From my straw. The very same straw.

At this point I should have probably felt happy or funny or get that really weird feeling you usually get.
But I did the most silliest and stupidest thing any girl would do, and I had to suffer the consequence of my action for a long time to come.

I threw the straw.

Pledge...

I'm ashamed to say this but I forgot our pledge! (tch tch) If you've forgotten it too, then no worries. I'm posting it here. You can go ahead and learn it by heart, again! :)


India is my country and all Indians are my brothers and sisters.
I love my country and I am proud of its rich and varied heritage.
I shall always strive to be worthy of it.
I shall give my parents, teachers and all elders, respect, and treat everyone with courtesy.
To my country and my people, I pledge my devotion.
In their well being and prosperity alone, lies my happiness.

The List!

I'm really bored and I thought I'd make this really weird list. It's weird because I'm actually making a list of blog posts that are still waiting to be published but alas, they have only post titles, absolutely no content! So, here's the list of posts titles that will probably never see my blog space ever!

1. Finally! I can breathe!
2. I want to know...
3. Why?
4. Being an IIM Grad's GF
5. Back to college
6. Better living? How?
7. A Lesson
8. I don't belong
9. I'd like to believe I'm lucky!
10. Sixth finger and crap-in-the-mouth expressions - Ah, this post has definitely got to do with drinking and smoking...
11. I suddenly remembered - LOL! I probably desperately wanted to write something I suddenly remembered but obviously I forgot! lol
12. Peanuts attract Monkeys - I want to work on this one!
13. What do we really want to do?
14. Stop comparing
15. Air trips
16. Priorities
17. Taare Zameen par
18. I have to go on a vacation
19. This year
20. And it was not even funny... - I wish I knew what...

well...

Pongal!

I always get stares from people when I tell them I celebrate Pongal. Like Christians are not allowed to celebrate the festival. Who says Pongal is for Hindus? Pongal is so NOT a religious festival. We don't perform the Pooja and other formalities but c'mon we celebrate the harvest season too, by eating of course! :D :D
For that matter my family celebrates all the festivals. Except the 'only-pooja' oriented ones. We make all kinds of sweets and festive dishes. There's no dearth for good food in my house :D

I got up from my sweet sleep and my parents had already prepared breakfast, Ven Pongal, Chakkarai Pongal, Vada, Sambhar, Chutney, Sugarcane and banana!

This is bliss!

Have you smoked?

Yeah well, I meant the candy cigarettes we used to get our hands on so easily in the 80s and 90s. I recently became a fan of Harnik Phantom Sweet Cigarettes on Facebook. These candies are a part of my many childhood memories.

I still remember 'smoking' these cigarettes in the December chills of Delhi. I was a student here. Yes, I am a Fransalian. Every morning we'd have to go in for an open assembly in the school grounds. Winters in Delhi is no ordinary time. You freeze. My mother would literally wrap Herbert and me in wool. Delhi has been the only place I've worn 3 pairs of socks at one time! I remember being a very quite girl in class. But I remember being an animated speaker. I still am.

So, one day, I took these cigarettes to school and shared it with my friends in class. I remember telling them how yummy the candy is and also how cool is to have been shaped like a 'real' cigarette. How silly, but which 'real' cigarette has a red tip! So we decided that if it was shaped like a real cigarette then we'd even smoke in the real style. Each of us took one candy each and hid in our pockets. We got ready for the assembly. Once outside, we took out the candy cigarette and smoked. And puffed. It was amazing how the cold breathe we let out of our mouth resembled a cloud of smoke. Just like smoking for real. But smoking for real sucks. And I'm not a hypocrite to say it without having tried smoking!

Funny, how we kept hiding the candy whenever we thought someone was looking at us. As if we were smoking a real cigarette. Well, its a totally different issue that even if we were caught eating a candy we'd have to run on the grounds.
So we smoked a cigarette, even if it was only a candy. Such cheap thrills.

I'm wondering if these friends from school whom I have lost contact with for long, smoke for real now! May be. May be not.

Do we still get these here? If only I could lay my hands on one packet... I'd preserve the packet for my kids to see. May be freeze one candy too.

Such preciousness. Childhood.

WHY??

see when I'm on my way to college I draft very beautiful posts in my head with really good titles and all that... when I'm in class I keep thinking about typing it out and posting it and then feeling good about it and all that... and the minute I reach home and sit in front of my computer, I forget every word. I don't remember a single word. Like it was meant to be a part of my head only.

What ya?! Che.

2009

... I was wailing on the 1st of this month/year for a stupid mistake of mine... You see what a lousy start I had to this year...I sat on this post 30 mins ago... and I did everything but type! I'm so lazy.


Some things never change. They say that right? Well, they're wrong!
I'm right on path on losing weight. Seriously, quitting work helped a lot!
It's no joke being a student. And not just another student. A PR person. You have to read, read and read more, understand, write for things, write on things, basically just write, run up and down the stairs, work hard like crazy hard, push yourself real hard b'cos sometimes you feel it's better to quit than continue, watch TV to understand the needs and wants of customers and consumers, understand differences between consumer and customers, study communication models, stay awake at night, forget lunch - everyday - deliberately...it's not easy! You tend to lose weight! I've no regrets!
I guess running at nights also helps...

Coming back to what they say. Some things never change. You know what? They're actually right.
I'll always be a procrastinator. It'll never change. I love doing my work that way. I do it well too. Well, not always. But most times, my procrastination has been my formula for success.
I know it's too early to talk about success and all that. I'm still far from narrating my success stories to people. Let's wait for some more time!

So, only change is constant. They say that.

BTW, who the hell are these 'they'?

Happy New Year 2009 to you all! I hope there are blessed changes in your life!

When Naaz met Dev - Part 2

I couldn't sleep that night. I was in no mood to answer Bhargavi's call either.
'3 missed calls' I read
Let that be...
I just couldnt stop thinking about Dev...he was not exceptionally good looking, he didn't have silky black hair or a fair complexion... nothing about him was mind blowing... but he stole my heart
he had the most capturing smile I had ever seen in my life... soft and deep, he had the best dimples in the whole wide world, one on each cheek. It blew me away. I don't remember anything of him except for those little dimples on his cheeks... I got up from my bed and looked at myself in the mirror... and smiled, no dimple...
I put more pressure into my smile... still no signs of a dimple...
I tried harder and harder till my cheeks hurt and my lips turned pale... and I gave up!
sigh, guess you have to be born with it.
my phone sounded just then and with that it fell on the ground.
damn you vibration mode.
'1 new message' it read
Naaz stop thinking about Dev and call me back

'What the hell is it Bhargavi?'
"Yeah you're annoyed that I knew what you were upto."
'Yes precisely. WTH! OK tell me what's up?'
"You wanna go to IIT tomorrow?"
'No' I said but my heart yearned to meet him once again
"Of course you want to. Stop pretending. Let's go tomorrow too. We will rot at home otherwise."
'I'm not sure man'
"OK you think about it. Tomorrow there's going to be a light music event and your dream boy is going on stage. Bye."
'WHAT?!!'
No response
'Hello? Hey I'm coming.... we're going... hey...'
I messaged her back.

I couldnt contain my feelings anymore... the very fact that I was going to see him again drove me crazy... I saw myself smiling again, but again there was no sign of a bloody dimple.

I dont remember when I fell asleep but I woke up at 6. 6 AM! I had never seen day at this time ever in my life before.
"Today there's going to heavy rainfall , thanks to you Naani" my mum spoke with glee.
'sad joke mum. where's dadu?'
"Morning walk. Nathan's gone with him too. Plan on joining them?"
'You think? I'll sit on this swing instead.'
"Lazy butt. Go brush and freshen up."
'ya ya ya. You go na mum. let me be.'
she gave me one knock on the head and walked off.
'Ahhhh... mum... you're such a kid.'
"with you monkeys around... what do you expect me to be?" she spoke as she entered the kitchen
I loved my mum for her child like heart. She always treated me like her friend and I never hid anything from her as though she was my gossip mate of sorts.
"Mr. Zachariah. I think there is going to be heavy rain today. I see the cause sitting right in front of me" spoke Nathan
"I have to agree my son. Your sister has stirred a storm by waking up so early. Are you alright Naani?"
'Dadu you too? Nathan I understand is retarded but you too? che che... what a shame!'
"You dont call me retarded you mother of retard society"
"Ok stop it you both." my dad spoke "tell me child, how did you wake up this early? are you alright?"
'Yes dadu. I am' I spoke hugging my dad who had started resembling a panda bear.
"She must be in love" Nathan spoke hurriedly and gave me a knock on the head.
I was petrified. I had not even started behaving like I was in love and this guy speaks my head.
"If Naani ever falls in love, she'll get him introduced to mum and me first, won't you Naani?"
'Yes dadu. I will.'
"Come let's eat."
"Go wash first. Dirty boys." Mrs. Sarah Zachariah, my mum, ordered.

I was having my last Dosa when Bhargavi entered.
"Come in Bhargavi. Join us for breakfast."
"Thank aunty. I'll just have juice."
'I quickly poured some mango juice into my glass, leaving her very little but just enough.'
"Naaz you freak." Nathan jolted
'I love mango juice ok? Bhargavi knows it too.'
"Yes I do. this will do for me. thanks Naaz" she glared

I got dressed shortly and left to IIT with Bhargavi.

"Only you like mango juice? I like it too. You glutton."
'I don't care man. I love it more than you do. Everybody knows that.'
"How mean"
'tell me one thing...what are your thoughts on love?'
"waste of time and energy and money and friends and"
'OK that's enough.'
"Ok"

May be Bhargavi was right. Falling in love would mean losing your friends, your time, your energy, your concentration... but who is she to talk? She was not in love... how could she testify against it even without experiencing it?

'Erm Bhargavi I didn't bring my ID card today too.'
"No issues. Today IIT is open to all absent minded people like you."
'Ya right.'
"Let's head to the OAT, that's where the show's supposed to happen"
'Begin. Not happen.'
"STOP CORRECTING MY GRAMMAR" she screamed.

I couldn't hear anything for the next 5 mins.

We squeezed ourselves through the crowd and somehow made it to the front row. The MC announced the participating colleges and when she said 'Vincent De Paul' My heart skipped a beat. I was beginning to feel funny. Bhargavi nudged me and winked. I grew pink in tension.
After a long and anxious wait, Vincent De Paul came on stage. I saw him. Again. And I was almost about to faint. Standing right in front was not a good idea after all. He always looked at the last few rows. He was holding his guitar like he was holding a precious little piece of property. I wished I was the guitar.
"Let's wave at him."
'Are you mad?'
But she was already waving at him. Some guy behind Dev smiled back at Bhargavi.
"Yuck! Why is he smiling at me?"
I laughed out loud.
'you guys will look so cute together' I laughed
"enough. your man is staring at you."
My heart stopped beating. I looked at him and yes, he was staring at me.
shucks he thinks I am laughing at him or something.
Oh gosh... ermm... I tried smiling at him... he looked away
I was feeling so uncomfortable, I wanted to run away...
I looked at him again but he was smiling at the crowd behind... like I did not exist in the crowd... his performance was done and as he walked off the stage he did not even turn and look at me once...
'Am I invisible? Or am I ugly?'
"Invisible I'm sure you're not... ugly... hmm may be" Bhargavi joked
with that whatever little tear was beginning to form also vanished...
'OK let's go. I'm not liking it here.'
"You go. I'm here!"
just then some guy pushed me as he made his way through the crowd and stood right in front of me. I recognized the head. The shirt. The physique.
He turned back and smiled.
DEV!

May be Bhargavi was right. Love makes you lose... I lost myself.

I'm 23 today!

and as always A has made this day very special for me.

No time now... will write back later...

when Naaz met Dev

'What's taking you so long man Naaz, you moron?' Bhargavi screamed
"I'm coming... coming... coming..."
I ran down quickly with earrings in one hand, watch in my mouth and floaters in the other hand.
'What the hell are you wearing?'
"Why what's wrong with this Kurti?"
'Can't you wear something called a t-shirt? we're going to a rock concert for goodness sake!'
"I can't 'dress up' to see some stupid guys sing..."
'Stupid guys? What's wrong with you? It's IIT man... stupid guys don't exist there!'
"I don't care. I'm wearing this. It's final!"
'ok whatever. you cant ask a donkey to sing!'
"Yeah, because you can't speak their language"
'OMG I can't even laugh for this poor joke. Ok you want to take the merc or the corolla?'
"Well from what I can make out from a Honda Activa and a Kinetic Honda parked right in front of us, I'll say let's take the Honda Activa!"
'Ok merc is it!'
"Yeah our super merc machaa. Let's go."

The show was to begin at 6 ish. We started from my place at 4 sharp. On a Sunday the roads are usually empty, but knowing Bhargavi's riding skills, we chose to not take a risk.

"Bhargavi do you really like rock?"
'huh you think?'
"then why the hell are we going to IIT?"
'Guys. Hot. cute. Lots of them.'
"OMG. Not again. What's the point man. You'll look at them. No one will look at us."
'Ayee shaadappp' I was interrupted
"Ok they might look at you and then? you'll look. that's it! and then we'll get back home and talk about them. Arre they wont even realize we are exist on this planet!"
'What a waste load on earth you are Naaz. I'll tell you today you'll meet your man.'
"My man is invisible man. Doesn't exist."

We reached IIT at 5:30 PM. the place was jam packed...I'm sure I've never seen so many guys all together in one place ever in my life. It was like I was standing in a Savannah grassland, except the grass were guys. And Bhargavi was right. They were hot and cute.

"IIT rocks" I thought.
'Naaz..?'
"Yes Bhargavi. I like it. Let's go."
'What? stupid girl. we have to show our ID card in order to enter.'
"WHAT? I don't have mine!" I almost screamed.
'OMG Naaz. why do you always do this man?'
"What? I didnt do it on purpose. I tend to forget. I'm human.."
'That I know... oh shucks, we're in a mess man...'
"I'm so sorry man..." I was almost in tears. I didnt even get to see one guy up close.

'Excuse me? Are you planning on standing here forever or will you move?' A strong musk scented guy spoke.
'I'm sorry. Please go ahead.' Bhargavi spoke irritatedly.

But I kept still. I didn't move. I saw him and I knew. Bhargavi rudely pulled me away.
'What a mean guy.' she spoke.
No he's so cute
Anyway that's not the point. How the hell do we get in?'
"I'll ask him..."
'Are you mad? What will you ask him?'

I couldn't hear her anymore... I was walking towards my man.

"I want to go in..." I spoke...
'Yeah so go. Why you telling me that?'
"Huh? I want to go in with you..." I smiled...
'Are you nuts?' he asked me almost shaking me...
"Yikes! why are you staring into my eyes? where is bhargavi?"
'Girl... you need help!'
"Yes... I'm lost!"I smiled again...
'But your friend's right there' he pointed
Bhargavi stood there hitting her head hard against the tree. I was probably in a trance.

"Ok mister... I just spaced out ok? You don't have to act too smart. I don't have my ID card and I also want to watch the show. Ok? Ok? Ok?"
'Ok listen, just walk in with me... I'm a participant here. So I get to stay in campus and I'm allowed to bring in visitors. I'll tell him you're my friend and you can get in. is that fine?'
That is very wonderful my loverly man...
"Yes yes yes... that'd be great... super awesome... OMG... that's so sweet"
'Ok hold on...'
He spoke to the security at the gate and he gestured me to stand next to him. He smelled fresh. I was beginning to lose my self again...
'Dev Mathew' he said..
"Naaz Zachariah" I held out my hand
But he was looking at the security guy. What a fool I was. He was filling in details about himself at the gate.
Dev Mathew I thought...

'Hey...'
Dev Mathew and Naaz Zachariah... Nah, Naaz Dev sounds good... better Naaz Dev Mathew sounds nice... Dev... Dev...
'HEY...'
"huh? Oh I'm sorry... I was.. I was..."
'Not an issue... come on in... let's get inside!'
"Where is Bhargavi?"
'She's coming right behind you.'
"Thank you Dev."
'You're welcome Miss?'
"Naaz. Naaz Zachariah"
'Well it's to meet you Naaz. You're inside IIT. Have fun.'
You're leaving?
Don't leave... Please... please...
'Hmmm I should be going now...'
Noooooooooo.... nahiiiiiiiii...........

'Hey there, thanks a ton for the help.' Bhargavi spoke
'Chill. My pleasure. Take care of your friend.'
I want you to take care of me...
'Yes I will. Hey, which college?'
'Vincent De Paul. and you?'
'Oh we're from St. Clare's'
'Awesome. Hey I should be going now... Gotta practice...'
'Bye Dev.'
'Bye Bhargavi.'
He looked at me sweetly and spoke softly, as though I was a retarded kid...
'Bye Naaz'
but he winked...

No byes for us Dev...

'Let's go now Naaz... we're late!'

I turned back one last time... he was walking away... slowly...and suddenly he turned back too...

this time I winked back!

who says you can't have a party without alcohol? who says you can't have fun if you don't bring in hot guys home? who says every post needs a title! :P


Ok, the point is I had a party at home sans liquor, sans guys and sans 'adult fun' and guess what, it was super fun! I had a Christmas Tree Decoration party at home and I saw all the 21+s become kids again! It was awesome... we played games like drawing with the paper on your head, blowing candles blindfolded, bluff and other crazy games... and then we had lot of food and of course, we decorated the tree.

My hands are aching all of a sudden ( no idea why) so, I'll just show you how my tree looks!

what do you call that?

when I was in Hyderabad, I'd keep comparing the place with Chennai and crib about hyd not having this-and-that and all that...when I'd talk to someone about Chennai and hyd I'd tell them how much I miss hyd not having a beach... I'd tell them stuff about how much fun it is to go to the beach and walk and play and eat at the beach... I'd laugh at Hussain Sagar lake and tell myself, 'thu, ithu ellam oru water body' (translates into: they call this a water body?)
its been over 6 months since I got back to Chennai, and its shocking how I have never been to the beach once! not even once!
I mean, if I was raving about it so much and if I was an acting ambassador for marina beach, then the first thing I should have done after landing here, was to make a visit to the beach, which I obviously didn't!
for that matter, I don't even go to church these days (I SHOULD BE ASHAMED!)
hmmm... may be it has to do with the fact that I don't have company... or may be that I'm lazy or may be I'm too engrossed with college or may be because I'm not 'that' crazy about the beach after all...
I was probably just trying to create a reason for not liking hyd!

Dostana

To some: Cute & funny
To me: Garbage well wrapped.

Like A says, 'the packaging was good.' Yes, the package looked absolutely stunning, but once opened all I found was rubbish!

Enough said!

we move on...

whether good or bad... somehow we do move on in life... 'just because' people died in Mumbai we don't quit work and become a social activist... 'just because' all this happened we don't stop watching serials on T.V or stop eating junk or crack jokes or party... yes we lit some candles and 'they' condemned these acts... yawn... sadly enough, all this fire burns out in less than a month... because we move on...

'cos we have to!

even the bereaved family moves on... it probably just takes a little longer for them... I don't know if it is the beauty or tragedy of life... but the truth is we all move on in life, of course sometimes it hurts... may be 'cos the wound is only 'just drying'... I know it's nothing new...

but it does fascinate me... it's like regeneration in certain animals... when we lose some bonds, we do try to create another bond to compensate... consciously or unconsciously...

may be it's a beautiful truth.

Horror...

This post is about the Mumbai blasts - well not exactly going into details - cos I suck at writing such things - well, whatever.

So, on a Wednesday, I stayed up till 3 A.M waiting for a very scary scene to end but it never did... it went on and on... if not for some trashing from my mother I would have stayed up longer...
Due to the rains here I didn't have work next day, so I promptly switched the T.V on, hoping the scene had ended, but to my horror, it was still there...
clearly, this has been the worst terror attack on Mumbai... It has been creeping me out... so much that I even got scared to go out for my walks...
On live coverage, I saw Hemant Karkare get out of his car, try on an ill-fitting helmet, wear a bullet proof jacket and then I thought to myself nothing is going to happen to him 'cos he is well geared and I switched to another news channel, and minutes later when I got back to this channel, I read 'ATS chief Hemant Karkare killed in encounter'... see, only after this did I realize the gravity of the situation... it must have been hell for the hostages and for the police men outside...
It is going to be hell for the city and the bereaved families...

one crazy reporter commented on the situation this morning, something like this, 'where is the spirit of Mubai? when Bangalore was bombed people did not succumb to the death blows but got up and resumed its daily activities... '
Was he on drugs or what? when by standers are shot and no one is safe in the city, does he expect people to take their bags and lunch and to go work? that stupid guy himself is not safe in the face of terror.
And what spirit is he talking about? Is he talking about 'mumbaikars' hitting non-mumbaikars claiming they were to be expelled from the city for extremely crazy reasons?
My question now is, where is that guy, Bal Thackeray, who initiated mumbai violence claiming non-mumbaikars were ruining mumbai culture? Now why doesn't he come out and say we don't need the army to help us out because only mumbaikars should help sort the issue? The coward.

even writing about him irritates me.

then today I received an email that requested all Indian youth to wear a black strip on their left shoulder to show solidarity in condemning the violence - in my opinion this is heights of stupidity- like the government will impose stringent laws, on seeing some black strips or like the terrorists will be moved by the step or like the traitors within India will hang their head in shame...

today, most of us are asking only one question - why? how? what?
Why is terror a part and parcel of our daily lives?
why are we not doing anything about it?
how can we stop it?
what are we to do?
is this out fate?

Actually, in what has been happening for the past 48 hours, there is an answer - kill the terrorists. I am actually impressed that we have been shooting down these retards as and when we capture them - that's what is to be done - instead of giving them the confidence that they can be captured for sometime and put into Indian prisons and later their brothers can cause havoc in other places and demand their freedom - kill them in one go. Of course, I'm not saying terror will die forever, but at least, they won't take us for granted. The irony is, even a terrorist is scared of death.

In fact, this is what we should do with rapists and murderers. Kill them all. Anybody committing a murder or rape whether Indian or foreigner should be murdered.

Anyways, Mumbai is going through a tough time now. I pray for the souls of the dead. May their souls rest in peace and may their families get enough strength to move on in life.

errm...

I've kinda started writing my 'thoughts' here...

but I seem to be rather pressed for words ;)

Wierd happenings...

Has it ever occurred to you that all of a sudden you start liking what you thought you would detest... In may case, I totally detested 'teaching.' I would never play teacher-teacher in my childhood and even if I was a part of the game I'd simply correct old notebooks or give stars for correct answers, but never really teach.
Now, all of a sudden, I like teaching. It may be temporary... I'll tell you why I like it though...
I'm interning at a NGO as a part of my course work for this semester and with all my gathered 'sighs' and 'grrr' I visited a NGO for the first time in my life...
First day, hated it. Absolutely!
Second day, I was pushed into teaching. I taught. Spoken English classes for the underprivileged.
Third day, I was taking classes for 2 batches.
Now, I take classes for 3 different batches.

Slowly, in time, I started loving it. I don't exactly know what made me like the whole thing. It could be, the kind of respect I earned, the eagerness in learning they showed, the spark each student had, the sense of responsibility the job gave me... it must be something.
The minute I enter class, my whole perspective of life changes. I see women trying to push themselves, to help run their families... I see girls who want to study in good colleges but don't have the money, I see women who don't want to be house maids but a home nurse or a car driver...I see the yearning...
I told them today, don't be scared to face the world. Be confident. If spoken English is your biggest fear overcome it. Speak it. Speak English.
It was echoing in my ears...something like this... 'if teaching, you thought, is what you hate...overcome it... teach...go and teach...'

It's so weird...

Tattoo - an eye sore!

I don't know why there's such a craze for tattoos. The minute I see a tattoo I feel like puking. Some tattoos haunt me and even make me detest food for days. Especially facial tattoos. Yuck!
I find it disturbing when people try to flaunt it. I knew this person who tattooed her fingers...ewww... with tattoo rings... I don't get it... why wouldn't she buy rings and wear them instead of tattooing the same... The skin, after being tattooed, it looks absolutely disgusting... I pray you don't see it too close, becos you'll see ugly irritated skin cultivating around the tattoo...

Tattoos are like this permanent mark on the skin (luckily for some, it can be removed by laser techniques)... but it's like a big distracting black spot on a clean white sheet.

I don't know why, but to me, a scar and a tattoo look the same! May be the only difference is that a scar does not come in attractive designs :D

Bani. J of MTV has the most disgusting tattoo I have ever seen in my life. The tattoo itself is not bad but the placement of her Tattoo is (full length of her inner arms - both)... it's so disgusting that whenever I see her on TV I inevitably change the channel. It's sick!

I know slaves used to be 'marked' for identification and even animals bore names on their skin for commercial purposes... all that is ok... but how it all became a fashion symbol I don't know... and I've noticed something very weird about tattoos... their owners somehow grow around the tattoo. Their facial expressions, gestures, make up, hair do, attire, behavior, everything changes...rather, matches the tattoo...
may be the tattoo is just an identity mark...

ok whatever, the very thought of inflicting pain for changing your pigments and disturbing the skin surfaces irritates me.

may be I have a weird phobia - tattoo phobia!

Tagged by No Mute Spectator~

Slighty edited it, 'cos the original version was pretty rough. I was in a bad mood :P Now I'm not! Yay! So here goes...

1. Which superhero/super heroine would you like to be for a day and why? Batman because he does not fly or do any ridiculous stunts... simply uses his head.


2. If you had one hour to teach an underprivileged child something, what would you teach? differentiate between a 'loving touch' and a 'harmful touch.'


3. Whom would you like to share your favorite chocolate with? A :)


4. Your choice for the Indian Youth Icon is... I haven't met anybody who qualifies to be one, but I respect Sarath Babu.

5. What would you do if your lover goes out on a “friendly date” with someone else? I will accompany him too! :D He he he

6. The most romantic thing your lover has ever done/said? - done! a super treasure hunt that brought me immense joy, lovely amazing earrings and changed my mood from 'angry' to super happy.


7. What would fascinate you more : A boat ride at night or a car drive in the alps? - If A cooks some good food for us, that would fascinate me... not all these faltu rides and drives.


8. When was the last time you swore and at whom/for what? - I don't remember. I kinda remember being told swearing meant sinning so I consciously stopped doing it... I guess...

9. The last person to make you smile and feel warm…I don't know!


10. Would you ever go out for a date with your ex? No!


11. Who is the person you would love to invite to your next birthday party cause you miss him/her (and you want a gift from that person AND that person has never attended your birthday before)? - Brad Pitt. Yes I miss him :P

12. You would be over the moon right now if… - my internship term gets converted into my sem hols!


13. Describe your gang of friends in three words - ultimate selling proposal! :D


14. If you held a time bomb in your hand standing in the middle of a crowded street which will explode in 5 minutes, you would…- I don't think the terrorist guy will trust me with his bomb.

15. The one bit of advice you would give your best friend…- Buy me lots of gifts. Yes, it'll make me really happy. Yes.

16. Your favorite one liner is … - No man can live as an Island.


17. Your favorite piece of electronic gadgetry is ... - iPod :) I'm going deaf FYI!


18. The one thing about your school that you really miss…- school itself... :( :(

19. Describe the person who tagged you in a single line…- writes from the heart, must be a beautiful person!


20. List of people you want to tag…
Anybody!

Lola asks...

and they give the most nonsensical answers...

If you watch Lola's show 'Lola TV - General Knowledge' you'll know... It's unbelievable how some people can be sooo dumb!

some questions she asks:

How do fishes breathe? Which mammal can fly? The fastest animal?

And the answers:

- Fishes breathe through nostrils!! (:O)
- Fishes Don't have to breathe. The water has enough oxygen! (ROFL!!!)
- Fishes breathe through their fings! (WTH is a fing??!)

- The mammal that can fly is an Ostrich! (Yeah one's sitting on my window sill now!!!) LOL
- Sharks!!! (LMAO!!!!! Boy look at that mammal flying. The shark! LOL)

Fastest animal:
-Human being (it seems! Yeah!)
- Kangaroo! (ROFL!)

Man! See where the world is going!

The icing on the cake: On being asked what the currency of France is, someone confidently says, 'French!'

ROFL!

Tagging the self!

Nandu says 'Anyone can take this up. I read way too many people's blogs to list just 6 people!'
Now, a very inviting statement for hungry tag lovers like me! :D
So, (shamelessly) here goes...


1. If your lover betrayed you, what would your reaction be? - will not be surprised... sidey creatures, the men!

2. If you can have a dream come true, what would it be? - will not disclose. But if my dream comes true, I will be a 'happier' person.

3. Whose butt would you like to kick? - mine.

4. What would you do with a billion dollars? - give it to my parents (if I'm still unmarried) else my husband.

5. Will you fall in love with your best friend? - No.

6. Which is more blessed: loving someone or being loved by someone? - Loving someone and being loved, equally, by the same person.

7. How long would you wait for someone you loved? - someone I loved? 'Loved' implying past and not 'in love' anymore, I'm sure to have crossed the 'wait' stage and moved on.

8. If the person you secretly like is attached, what will you do? - I really don't know!

9. If you could root for one social cause, what would it be? - banish religion.

10. What takes you down the fastest? - When I don't get the test scores I deserve.

11. Where do you see yourself in 10 years time? - looking at this tag and telling myself, 'This is so silly!'

12. What’s your fear? - Night. Sleeping alone.

13. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is? - No one tagged me. I tagged me myself. So I'm a tad crazy.

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married and poor? - Married and poor. Why, no man can live as an Island. I definitely need a companion.

15. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up? - wake A.

16. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously who will you pick? - hahaha. I don't think I'll ever get the authority to pick. Mostly, I'll get picked. By whoever wants to lose his life! :P :D

17. Would you give all in a relationship? - No doubt.

18. Would you forgive and forget someone no matter how horrible a thing he has done? - Yes.

19. Do you prefer being single or in a relationship? I have been single. I'm in a relationship now. The latter scores higher.

20. List of 6 people to tag: I would like to tag my 'A,' 'no mute spectator,' and anybody else who wants take it up.

Book of memories...

I sat down in my veranda. It had been raining, continuously for the past 3 days. No regrets on that, since I'd got a day off. I took the newspaper, shook it for a second, slowly all the hidden leaflets and advertising pamphlets fell on the floor and I kicked them away. Most of them were unattractive works of some boring ad agency. I found the Subway menu leaflet, picked it up quickly and secured it under my stack of books. I thrived on subs on weekends.

As I sipped my tea, I skimmed through the newspaper. After 10 mins I kept it away and picked up a novel from the stack.

Thump.

Next I know, a hard bound book fell on my head. Ouch!

I picked it up and I connected with it immediately. It was my secret diary. I dusted the top. The logo, still intact, read: Diary 1995.



"Naaz take this packet of chocolates and distribute it to your new friends at school."
I don't want to.
"Ah. Your call."

I picked it up anyway, but without her knowledge.

My dad dropped me at St. Ignatius School. I saw the huge school campus through the iron gates. There were too many academic blocks and play areas and girls decked in green and yellow walking all about the place.

'I don't want to go in,' I wished aloud.

"There Naaz! Your new school. Aren't you happy?" my dad asked.
No.
"Naaz? Don't be scared. You deserve to be here. Remember you topped the entrance test. You will do well. Now go in" he assured me.
I looked at him. A tiny drop of tear rolled down my cheeks. But I quickly wiped it away.
"I'll come with you." he said

My father always knew what I was thinking.

We reached the principal's office. Sr. Agnes greeted us and my dad spoke at length about me. She walked up to me and told me, 'Naaz is going to be a bright student and make us all proud.'
My dad smiled and gestured me to acknowledge her good comments.
I smiled at Sr. Agnes. I liked her. She had a very calm face and I was not scared of this school anymore. I held her hand.
My dad waved us good bye and left to work.
Sr. Agnes walked me to my classroom.
As I stood outside 8-C, I was trembling and all shaky. I couldn't look up at my class. Sr. Agnes introduced me to my teacher and my classmates. One glance, and they were all snickering. I was dressed in a red and black frock and I was extremely intimidated by all the others dressed in the school uniform. I wanted to run away. Sr. Agnes smiled at me and left me to the mercy of my class.

I was sweating profusely.

"Go sit there" spoke Ms. Catherine, pointing at the second row from back.
The girl seated on the bench made weird faces but managed to smile at me. Fake.
I had to squeeze my way through to get to sit on that bench. Sandwiched between Rekha and Lavanya, I was feeling sick already.

"When is your birthday Naaz" asked Ms. Catherine.
'November 21, 1995' I spoke timidly
The class was roaring in laughter.
'She's just few hours old man' laughed Rekha.
I didn't' understand first. Later I realized. I was obviously nervous. That's why I blurted out the wrong year. I was embarrassed due to the reaction my class gave. But I was hurt when Ms. Catherine did not stop them and instead joined them in laughing.

Lavanya squeezed my hand and gestured me to sit down. I sat down, crying.
"Don't cry Naaz." she spoke
I looked at her and she was smiling, generously.
"Please don't cry Naaz. Take this."
She offered me a candy. I refused the offer. I stopped crying because Lavanya asked me to.

After 2.5 hours of history, and prose and geography, it was time for lunch. The whole class walked out in gangs. Only Lavanya stayed putt. I stayed back, because I was not comfortable yet. Besides, no one seemed to care to welcome a new friend.

Lavanya offered me her lunch. I noticed she had two slices of bread with strawberry jelly smeared on it.
'Is this enough Lavanya?' I asked
"Should be." She replied.
'I have lunch. Let me take it out.' I told her
"No no don't. You're not supposed to eat here." she said
Then why is she eating here? I wondered
"Only I can eat here."
'Oh.' I spoke quickly.

How rude. I thought she was being nice to me, but she is a bully. She eats here but does not allow me to do the same. No one sits with her because she is such a bully. I am such a fool to have thought she is nice.

I got up and walked up to the black board. I started drawing random figures on it. I'm not having lunch because of Lavanya. She promptly finished her lunch. I'll eat on my way back home. She had the nerve to tell me not to open my lunch box here, while she sat and ate like a queen.

I heard Lavanya moving benches to get up from her seat. God she is making too much noise, I thought. Why can't she get up without making so much noise. I turned back and noticed Lavanya struggling. Let her be. She finally made her way out. She walked towards the door. I found her walk weird. She limped slightly. Must have hurt herself, I thought.

She smiled at me as she passed by me. I smiled back coldly. I quickly looked at her feet to see why she was limping.

She limped away to the washroom. I followed her. Tears in my eyes. I understood everything.

I stood beside her while she washed her hands.

'I'm sorry Lavanya.'
"For?" she asked.
I ran away .

Lavanya will never be able to wear the same canvas shoes that helped me run from the washroom to my class.

I hope to never wear the wooden shoes that made Lavanya limp.

Oh God, I don't know who is normal. Whether I'm good. Forgive me if you want to. And thank you for these feet.


I wrote this prayer that night. Silly me, I told myself, as I closed the book.

Touching thought...

There's one sad truth in life I've found
While journeying east and west
The only folks we really wound
Are those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know
We please the fleeting guest
And deal full many a thoughtless blow
To those who love us best.

- Ella Weeler

Naaz's dream...

Dev said bye .. and I murmured ...

when you said good bye I was still in tears. you don't how much I cried. how would you know? I'm your torturer... sometimes love dies silently. may be my love died. may be you think so. but i know nothing without you.
you taught me how to smile.
you taught me how to laugh till i cried.
you always held me tight when i cried.
you always heard me.
your voice always brought me peace. i cant explain. you wont understand.
thank you for whatever you have done for me.
you know - i have never been so happy in my life.
you brought so much joy into my sad life. you dont know. you are my angel.
i wont hear your voice anymore.
it's like someone took away my ears.
i cant hear anything.
im crying now. you wont know.
im your torturer. i killed you.
i did not. but no one believes me.
tell them i did not.
please.
tell me i did not.
you are all i had in my life. i screamed when you didnt come here. i yelled when you didnt say nice things.
i was mad.
but i only came to you.
may be i shouldn't have come so often.
why is this happening?
you wont understand me.
im a killer.
im not.
i want to hear your laugh. its ringing in my ear. but im human.
i will forget.
i dont want to.
please. i want to hear you laugh. again.
forever.
i wont promise that i wont fight again.
but i promise to never provoke you.
i provoked you didnt i?
is a sorry enough?
what should i do?
tell me please. i will do anything. for you.
my world.
come back to me please.
im going mad. i dont want to.
i dont like it.
your voice is dying. slowly. but it is happening.
i dont want it to stop happening.
it shouldn't die.
what will i do?
im ashamed. i'm your killer.
i made you go mad.
i killed you happiness.
im a torturer.
im not. believe me
please.
you wont understand.
i have loved you truly. didnt i?
dont say no...
im not ur killer.
you wont understand.

you're my world. mine.
just mine.

I got up sweating...

Foreign Vs Indian

X: Where are you studying?
Y: Indian school of some course (with much pride).
X: Oh! (sounding yeah-bleh-thoo!)
Y: and you?
X: I'm going to pursue a bleh bloo course at the crappy uni in the crappy state of the crappy country. Foreign degree!

My foot!

On inquiring about future plans for studies, another 'Y' tells me - I'll do a degree only in the foreign land else I'd rather continue working!
I asked her - not looking for options in India?
She says, 'No. Only foreign. I want to go abroad.'
me: Are you saying options are better abroad?
Y: Nah! I wont' even look for options here. India is boring. I'll go abroad.

WTH ya. I feel like slapping such people.

What's with the notion that Indian degrees are useless? I mean, it's ok if people go abroad b'cos course structures are good or exposure is better or even pay is neat - but not when they say Indian degrees are boring or India itself is boring.

When I tell people that I'm pursuing my masters in a college in my city, some of them go, 'why didn't you go abroad?;' you didn't get anywhere else a?;' 'Cha so sad'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and some of them even say, 'her life is so boring. stuck in India!'

and some of these irritating ppl, compare my profile with others saying, 'ah Sheeba went abroad. Smart girl. why didn't this one go?'

meanies! Seriously, who gave them the authority to provide people with certificates? lol!

anyways, not digressing too much. let's get back. Yeah, so some people think it's demeaning to pursue a course in India. Oh, I almost forgot, it's a trend now that if you're rich, you automatically qualify to study abroad. Sigh! So this guy Ank I know, goes to Melbourne 'cos he's rich and nothing else. He's gonna get back to Ahmedabad to assist his dad in their family business, but, ' I want a foreign degree yaar' he says!

may be he can flash the 'Melbourne' tag to his prospective partner. Ya what else can it bring? 'My husband studied in Australia you know?' she can share with her kitty friends! lol!

Sigh man!

Ok people, stop thinking Indian degrees are useless. Some of the best research is done in India. Some of the most brilliant students have the most the prestigious IIM and IIT tags. Some of the most creative ppl come from places like NID.

So you see, it's not where you study, but how you study. And, why be ashamed of India?

Poor India didn't do anything. It's getting enough bolts and stabs from its brother. Why stab it further and label it boring?

Study well all you 'faar-rin' degree holders! :P

Just becos...

I don't have any bloody topic in head - I'll tell you about my past - work life - to be precise.

If you use the internet regularly and if you are a crazy, almost psychotic 'searcher' like me, you'll find my ex-company's logo staring at you on the face - Google to say! Yah, that's where I once worked.

When I entered Google I thought I was mad to join this place b'cos everyone looked like they'd woken up from sleep and just walked in - serious - I'd never imagined that they took the term 'casual' so seriously - if you spot one formally decked guy there, I'll garland you.

When I looked around I noticed food everywhere! EVERYWHERE! On work desks, in the shelves, in the cafe, over laptops, in the refrigerator, every piece of area fit to be a called a 'nook' had food! (Well that explains why gravitational force is harsh on me)

I imagined Google to be quite sober, fingers furiously dancing on keyboards, heads turning around occasionally may be for another sober discussion - it was everything but this!

Google is probably the most liveliest offices one can work in. It has generous splash of colors on walls and floors and chairs, interesting murals, huge resistant balls you have to save yourself from, bean bags in bright yellow, red, green and blue, themed decorated cubicles, exclusive furniture and weirdly fascinating decor and much more.

And the best part is you don't have to work! You just come and enjoy yourself and go! How cool!


Are you mad?! Though, I wish I could say that :P

With all the fun and frolic and blah blah blah, we did have work ;) Of course I chose to not work! that's a totally different story - let's not get to that :P

I met so many people there. I came to hear of and witness some extremely 'yucky' situations people got into, interacted with some warm people, made few friends and as far as I know, I did not make any enemies.

Anyways, there are a lot of good memories attached to this place, but of course, everything can't be rosy. I did have some unpleasant memories and events. It was like someone was weighing me a weighing scale. The needle would fluctuate between 'good times' to 'crappy times' with high oscillation speed.

I came out of it. For good. I must confess that my work experience in terms of the people and the management and the work, has taught me a lot. I use these lessons in my daily life. While studying, while conversing. Google probably is a dream company for many, for me it was just a part of life. I never took it too seriously becos I always knew it was not 'the' place for me. It held a place in my heart but it never conquered me.

Somehow, getting back to college has made me happier. In terms of performance and knowledge.

Happy B'day Google!

Thanks to you, I get my assignments done on time! :)

I love Homer Simpson!

He's just too funny... It's funny I used to find 'The Simpsons' weird when I was young, but I love them now. They're soo funny! My favorite is Homer Simpson (the father and the patriarch of the Simpsons clan)... he is just amazingly dumb and hilarious.

Some laughs:

Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.
-----------------------------

Homer: There's your giraffe, little girl.
Ralph Wiggum: I'm a boy.
Homer: That's the spirit. Never give up.
-----------------------------

Bart: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, not quite a puppet, but man... (laughs, then pauses) So, to answer you question, I don't know.
------------------------------

Homer: What's a wedding? Webster's dictionary describes it as the act of removing weeds from one's garden.
------------------------------

Lisa: Dad, don't you think you're overreacting?
Homer: Don't you think you're *under*reacting?
Lisa: This conversation is over.
Homer: This conversation is *under*.
Lisa: Goodbye.
Homer: *bad*bye
-----------------------------

Homer: Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
-----------------------------

Lisa: I'm an ugmo.
Homer: Now, that's not true. You're cute as a bug's ear.
Lisa: Father's have to say that little stuff.
Homer: Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?
Grandpa: No. You're homely as a mule's butt.
Homer: There. See?
------------------------------

Colors...

I visited Mylapore this evening to learn photography and take random shots - we're learning about color and all that - and my goodness, that place is drenched in color - in view of Navratri celebrations - it's just too amazing and a shame that I cannot describe it in words - sigh - but I can show you some pics - any comments on my photo skills are MOST welcome! :D

Home made brownies!

A came down from Indore last week to meet me but it so happened that I was not going to be around while he was at home, grrrrr. I was supposed to go for this annoying village trip from college, dammm! Before I left, I decided to bake him something and settled on brownies - simply becos they are real easy to make.

The picture is not very appealing I agree, but it was yummy trust me!


Here's how I made it:

Ingredients:

* Cocoa Powder - 50 grams
* Butter - 1/4 cup
* Refined flour - 1/3 cup
* Sugar - 1 cup
* Baking powder - required amount
* Salt - pinch
* Eggs - 3
* Chopped walnuts - 3 Tbspoons or per requirement

Method:

1. Melt butter thoroughly.
2. Mix melted butter with cocoa powder and mix well.
3. Blend in eggs.
4. Add flour, sugar, salt and baking powder and blend well.
5. The mix should be of a semi-watery consistency.
6. Add walnuts and mix well with a spatula.
7. Grease baking dish with butter.
8. Pour in the batter.
9. Set to bake at Combo 180C for about 12 -15 mins.
10. Brownies are ready when your knife comes out clean. Cut into squares.

Serving Suggestion:

Pour over melted chocolate and chopped walnuts and serve hot or refrigerated.

Why?

When I know someone I like and love is coming, I keep waiting outside my door - and they never turn up. The minute I get back inside my house - the door bell rings!

WHY??!

I keep wanting to come...

... but my college holds me back...aargghh!!! I haven't been around for sometime now - was stuck in a village for a survey and the week before I left I was held up preparing for the trip, and the like... I missed A terribly and more so b'cos while I was away he was very much at home - came down to meet me - call it fate!

There is someone else I missed too during the hectic hours of my life - this niche of mine. I missed it sooo badly - every time I saw something or heard something or spoke to someone I'd imagine myself blogging about it -

my college is keeping my hands so full that I can hardly pursue 'other' interests - I probably can compromise on the rest - but never on A and this blog! - they form a very integral part of my life - I realized! (the former I always knew!)

Not blogging makes me feel I'm giving away a part of me - and why would I do that -

So, I'm kinda back!

:)

Rock On ROCKS!

Watched it with SH at Sathyam Cinemas, today. I was visiting this place after nearly 3 years and boy, was I surprised. The whole place has changed (for good). Even in its not so bright days, Sathyam Cinemas was my 'the' favorite theater. It's become chic now and very much in competition with the other plush cinema houses. Okay, let's Move On to Rock On! :P

(May contain spoilers)

The plot is very simple - the movie starts off with the band 'Magik' performing the hit number 'Socha Hai' live - the band comprises four friends - Adi - Lead vocalist (Farhan Akhtar), Joe - lead guitar (Arjum Rampal), Rob - keys (Luke Kenny) and Killer Drummer a.k.a K.D (Purab Kohli) - the next scene shows their lives 10 years down the line - Adi an investment banker, is married to Sakshi (Prachi Desai) is basically doing well in life but Sakshi is lonely and feels she is living with a stranger, Joe is married to his GF Debbie (Shahana Goswami) and tries to make ends meet by playing his guitar at weddings and clubs, K.D assists his dad with their jewelry business, and Rob works with Anu Malik composing jingles for TV commercials - the four of them though not together as a band are inevitably inclined towards music -

Sakshi finds out about Adi's past, his band et al from his pictures that he has safely kept in the loft - she wants to see the happy Adi again and decides to reunite 'Magik' - K.D and Rob meet Adi at his 'surprise' birthday party organized by Sakshi - Adi is not very happy to meet them - Sakshi and Adi get into a misunderstanding because Sakshi knows Adi is not the same happy guy anymore and he is always keeping her way from his life - Adi admits he is running away from his past - Sakshi goes away from her house - Adi talks to Devika (Koel Purie) about the tiff Sakshi and he had and she tells him that he should probably stop running away from his past -

The past - tid-bits of the band's past are sewn with the picture - the band participates in the Channel [V] Launch Pad that wins them an opportunity to launch a rock album - however they discover that they are going to be 'directed' and their originality will not be showcased - Joe does not want to compromise on the band's originality and hesitates to sign the contract - but since everyone else is willing to make the compromise, he also signs the contract - during the shoot of a song, Joe gets in to an argument with Adi and hits the director and Adi - that marks the end of Magik's magic! - this explains Adi's aloofness and gloom - and the present gets clear!

of broken dreams - aspirations at peak and suddenly - one day - you look back and join the dots - again -

- Adi gets back to his friends - they meet up at their usual garage and sing their songs - Adi requests Sakshi to get back home and when she does she finds 'Magik' reunited and singing songs - this goes on for long - meanwhile Rob is diagnosed with brain tumor and his days are counted- Debbie is unaware that Joe has gotten back with his friends - she finds him a job on a cruise that is leaving on the same day the band is performing one last time for Channel [V] launch pad - Debbie finds out that Joe is planning to participate in the contest and talks to Adi about it - she informs him that Joe will not come and he will concentrate on his job -

climax - very predictable - on the day of the contest Adi tells Rob and K.D that Joe may not come for the contest - along side this they show Joe leaving for the cruise - The band decide to go on stage without Joe - Adi sings the song that Joe once composed - while the taxi is stuck in traffic Joe hears Adi singing - and - yeah! he makes his decision -

'Magik' perform together - for one last time - before Rob leaves forever.

Some excellent music is the backbone of Rock On! - commendable singing by Farhan Akthar - good character portrayal by all the actors - good team effort - the movie really sustained the audience's interest and the tempo was good.

Overall: A rocking movie! Rock On, ROCKS!

a meeting...

I was on my way back home from college. The same road, different people, heavy traffic, pleasant skies, and the usual eagerness to get back home... until that day I met someone. She drove past me and I glanced at her car. I looked away and continued my riding. She braked at the signal and I stopped my bike right behind her car. I couldn't see her face, but her hair style looked familiar. I strained to look into the rear view mirror of the car. I saw her eyes. My mind was starting to frame a picture. Before I could go near her, the signal went green and she moved away. But I kept following her and when she had to take a turn, she looked into her side view mirror and I saw her face. I was waiting for the next signal. But like luck had it's way, all the signals were open. Damn!

I kept riding behind her car and my mind kept speaking to me, 'Why are you following her?' I don't know. There were just two more signals to go before I reached home and I prayed it'd turn red. So it did. She stopped her car and I stopped my bike right next to her.

'Asha Miss' I spoke with hesitation.
'Hepsiba?'
I was overjoyed! She knew my name. She remembered my name.
'How are you ma'am?'
'I'm fine. How are you Hepsiba?'
'I'm good ma'am.'
The signal went green and I let her go. I rode slowly.

Class of 2003 - 'extremely noisy' - biology class - future doctors - 'nobody in this class is responsible' they'd say - Nuclear Physics - magnetism - sums - practicals - Asha miss can you explain transistor again? - Asha miss, I want 2 more marks - Asha miss free period miss, please - Asha miss I lost 10 marks - only 190 in Physics- :'( :'( - Asha miss we'll miss you - we'll miss school- ...

My memories of school came back. I remembered Asha Miss. I remembered Selvam Sir, Ritu Miss, Susan Miss, Mythili Miss, Sudha Miss... I remembered my friends, the fun, the tears...

I stopped beside her in the last signal - 'It's so nice to see you' - we said in unison - a weird silence followed - I hated this awkward silence - I wanted the signal to go green again - I looked away - I knew what was going to happen -

The signal turned green - and she left - and I rode along my way - crying.

As tears flowed down my cheek - I hit me hard that I'll never get back my school days again - ever - It hit me hard that it was better forgotten - it's memories always brought back tears - of joys - of things inexplicable -

I wish time stood still - I wish I was in school forever!

Reading 'The Kite Runner' ...

Liking it so far, extremely good... stayed up till 3:00 AM last night reading, read few more chapters this morning, and I'm forgetting that I have to rush to college in exactly 30 mins!
After I'm done with the book I'll tell you what it's about...

:)

Happy week!

Back to square one!

I remember posting here about how I've never studied in a co-ed institution ever and how it's highly possible that I finally will get to study in a co-ed institution for my post graduation!

Turns out it's never really gonna happen! I'm back to a college filled with 3000 odd girls~! :D

Actually it doesn't surprise me much... it's always been like this...

* When I left college after my under graduation I turned back one last time and told myself, 'I'm never coming back!'

* When I was in school, I'd pass by this college of mine and tell myself, 'come what may, I'll never do my under graduation here!' ...

* When everyone around me was falling in love and bleh bleh, I told myself, 'I'll never fall in love!' :P Rest is history!

* When my dad took us to Hyderabad for a short visit, I told myself, 'I'll never come here!'
And, well, my work pulled me there and I HAD to live there for 2 long years!!

This and much more... like the world is conspiring against me or trying to tell me something... I'm guessing it's trying to tell me, 'yeah, well, nothing is in YOUR hands Hepsiba!'

Oh and when I quit my job, I told myself,' To this place, I shall never return!.'

erhm! Let's wait...

Psst: That picture just shows how tired I am of all the games life is playing on me :P :P

Sunday times...

Oversleeping - wake up call - for the nth time - brush and scrub - oops - bite tongue - no church - big mistake - ask for forgiveness - boil milk - make tea - biscuits - breakfast burp! - wash cup - put cooker on stove - boil water - rice - dal - fry potatoes - beat eggs - omelet - clean dishes - clean room - arrange books - fold clothes - blog - ...

folks out traveling and the maid dumps me!

Why?

My weekends fly away in no time... my week moves at snail's pace! :(

why?

Why?

The traffic signal is almost always red at every junction when I'm in a hurry.

Why?

The unposted letter...

Dear R,

I don't know if I will ever post this letter to you. I read your letter again and again. Why did you write this line, 'you were such a nice friend to me. I really really miss you a lot. I love you.' My heart aches to read these lines.

I feel ashamed to say this, but I have not been a good friend. I lied to you. I left you because you told me about that man who harassed you. I left because you loved that man. I left you because my heart cringed on the thought that you had no choice but love that man. The man who knew you even before you were born. The same hands that fed you were now tearing you apart. I left you because I was scared that my worst dream had come true. I read about it in books. I never thought something like that could happen to a girl, a girl so innocent as you. I left because I was getting extremely depressed. I left because after you slept I would stay awake to make sure you wouldn't hurt yourself out of pain. I left because every time I saw your face I felt like crying. I left because I could not collect myself to talk to my parents and tell them I was depressed. I left because I loved you but could not bear the fact that you were going through hell. I left because I started losing my appetite and I felt disgusted thinking about that guy. I left because after you narrated the incident, you became your normal happy self again. You cried like a mad girl but in minutes you were laughing. I left because I was scared you were going to turn mad. I left because you showed me his picture. I left because I saw the smirk on his face and my stomach churned. I left because I was not able to count, concentrate, sleep. I left because sir screamed at me. I left because he mocked at me for being me. I left because his presence was making me tremble. I left because you said I'm your best friend. I left because I knew I wouldn't be able to manage.

I lied to sir that I got an admission for dental science. I still remember that sly smile on his face. I had no other choice. I was trapped. My only hope was this lie. And I couldn't' tell you the truth. I couldn't lie to you. I loved you but I was weak. I am ashamed.

I never became a doctor. I don't know if you are a doctor. I hope you are happy.

I hope you will forgive me like how you forgave that man.

Yours ever

Naaz

Have you fallen in love?

Have you? If yes, then there's nothing unusual about you :D ... If No, WHAT!!?? Please tell me how??

Is it possible for someone to never fall in love with another person till they are wedded (considering wedding is the very act of connecting two lovers or prospective lovers)? I'm guessing it was quite possible in my gandpa's time (only guessing) but now, there's nobody in sight who has never fallen in love! Is it a good sign? I don't know... it's so weird. yeah, of course there's nothing wrong...

When I was very young, an 'affair' was a very bad word and whoever I knew never had one... so I thought. But now, being in an affair is like getting a monthly hair-cut. The new style looks good at first but then it's hair and it does grow and you come back to square one. Are you following this? err... whatever!

Divorce, extra-marital affairs, no strings attached, two-timing, ... I don't quite understand where I'm taking this to, but if you can really follow, you'll know it's all coming to one question - what exactly is love? - a feeling? a perception? remedy? a commitment? WHAT IS IT?

I'm confused now... because I wanted to convey something else but I ended up writing something else, and I don't want to discard this because I wrote whatever my mind dictated...

Bleh! Right, if you have never fallen in love with anybody till date (till date implies - you are not in your youth anymore or are in your prime youth and cupid has not struck yet), please contact me and I want to take your interview

Serious...

The 'why' I have an answer for!

Why did I not do well in the exam today?

Why?

Because, I did NOT study WELL!

:( :( :(

so where did my ticket go?

seriously... I haven't watched a single movie in the theater after my return from Hyderabad... actually, I haven't watched any movie - on T.V also... it struck me when A asked me if I liked the new releases... damn! In Hyderabad I'd die or feel sick if I did not watch at least one movie in a month! ...

You see... if you don't have the time you don't even realize that you've been missing out on something you thought was the elixir or life...

talking about missing out on something- why am I not shopping??? Why? How am I still alive?

Really...and where did my ticket go?

Why?

Why does the phone 'always' ring when I'm away from it?

Why?

in the head...

publicity - propoganda - working definition - advertising - ethical problems - lobbying - press agentry - Black - BBC - Hilton - public opinion - ....

That's the way it goes - in the head...




on the eve of an exam...

Why?

I always forget what I wanted to originally write on, when I open my 'create new blog post' page!

Why? :(

Yeah! Some people are like that.

ashamed of their roots - why?

Kangal Irandal - Subramaniapuram

Really liked the composition and the feel of this song. The male voice is brilliant and the lyrics are simply beautiful! Simple yet mesmerizing tune, I'd want to be played in the background, all the time - walking, reading, smiling, ...

I like!

Found it here.... I like!

I think...

When in a Maruti Omni, if at some point in time you feel you are 'going to' hit the car in front of you, then you probably 'have already hit' the car!

Where's the bonnet?

LOL :D

Why?

Why is it that the most attempt-able and the most weighed question in a question paper is the one that I ignore or skip assuming it will never be asked?

Why?

I clearly detest cooking... when I'm tired!

I love cooking when I'm not tired! My parents have been traveling a lot these days and so that usually leaves me with the kitchen, all mine and the option to cook whatever I want. Turned out, the idea was not as tempting as it 'cooked' in my mind. I'd plan what I'd like to make for dinner during class. One day it was puri-aloo, another day it was ven pongal, then it was vada-sambhar... I do most of my recipe planning in class and then savor it in my mind! :D

But the minute I get back home, I get irritated looking at empty dishes in the kitchen. Because I have a brother at home, I HAVE to cook... but I clearly hate cooking after getting back from college. It's past 6 when I reach home and I'm too tired to even take my books out, leave alone cooking.
Yet I managed to cook all these dishes and more, because I really do get hungry. So does my brother.

But...but but but...I have decided I do not want to work after I'm married 'cos then my family is sure to starve or get blasted at for no reason and my husband being forced to cook something for the kids (BIG PICTURE!)

If I have the time and space I'll cook. Promise!

Yet another thought...

Why do we so badly hurt the person who loves us really but give most happiness to those who will eventually forsake us? Why do we overlook true love? Why do we make the worthy cry and let the unworthy smile?

Why?

What I wanted to be...

...and what I have become, makes me want to laugh at myself!

Anyways here's the list: (in no order of priority)

1. Teacher - because I loved ticking everything right and writing 'Very Good - Keep it up' at the end of every page and also, drawing stars for every correct math problem!

2. Cooker (that's what I used to think till recent times) - because I loved making bread rolls and lemon juice!

3. Politician - because I loved those white caps!

4. Ticket seller (any counter) - because I liked the idea of tearing colorful paper into tiny bits and handing it over to an anxious queue.

5. One in the audience at a fashion show (a popular 'job' some of us indulge in) - because I would be able to applaud for my childhood buddy Anoo.

6. An IITian - I have NO idea why I wanted to be this one!

7. A doctor - still want to be one - hopeless lover of medical science... hopeless lover and owner of a stethoscope that lay in my cupboard...

8. Doctorate in Chemical sciences at IISc - left the idea, cos my lab coat had too many holes due to fuming H2SO4 carelessly spilled.

9. IIM Grad - for my love for logical reasoning and because A was sure to go there...

10. IAS - because I wanted to prove a point... to myself.

11. Event manager - because I love organizing events

12. Painter - not on canvas but walls... because I badly want to paint my walls maroon and blue...

13. French fries vendor - because everybody loves crispy golden fries. A would be my most loyal customer!

14. Architect - because I just LOVED the idea of drawing sketches and plans and calculating and designing and basically the challenge...

15. MCA - because I was mad!

16. Bio-tech research scientist - because I basically had no idea why I was studying pure chemistry when I clearly liked biology.

17. Writer - because I liked the novel 'Shadow of the wind.'

18. News anchor - because I liked the crew on every news channel.

19. Represent India at the Olympics - YOU CAN LAUGH!

20. Movie director - ???!!!???

21. Musician - because I love music! :D

AND THE LIST GOES ON...

I have no regrets that I was not able to fulfill any of my above aspirations for I believe I have become more learned than yesterday and tomorrow will be another day I can look forward to!

:)

Another thought...

When I carry a book/camera/note/album in my bag no one asks for it... and just when I leave it at home, someone wants it!

Why?

A thought...

Just why do we forget some things when people question us and why do we always remember the answer after they've left?


why?

Mera Bharat Mahaan!

A conversation I overheard: (Conversation between 2 Indians - girl and boy- and 1 firang)

Firang: I'm planning to go to Kerala. Thoughts?

Excited boy (mallu roots) : Kerala is a great place! It's also known as God's own country for all the green and calm and peace you'll find there. Plus plus, it's famous for ayurveda. Ah, also the massages. Try them out... (goes on)

Me: :)

Firang: That's nice. I'm planning to go to Tamil Nadu on the way back... and what do you think of that?

Boy: I don't know what Tamil Nadu is famous for. Some bharatnatyam, idli, vada stuff.

Girl: The people there are soooo dark.

Boy: OMG ya! You know, they are darker that negros. Yuck!

Me: Almost up to slap him tight on his face. Stopped by A.

Girl: Kerala people are very fair and good looking. No?

Boy: Yeah! Of course! (smiles)

Firang: Ok.

(Inside Firang's head: Stupid Indians!)

Like firangs will care about color or geographic influence. According to them, whether dark or fair or good looking or ugly, an Indian is a freebie, is a cheapo and will go down to any extent to lick a**.

When firangs come to India they take pics of beggars and litter and famished slum dwellers... they see India that way! Well, some of them do take the trouble to shoot some good stuff... blah.

On the contrary, we do NOT want accept that every nation has a bad side... of course, if we show pics of mad men on the streets to our relatives, they'll laugh at us... yeah, we are that bothered! :)

People who read this will think : ah there she goes again... non-stop ranting and blah blah.

Frankly, I don't care. I write whatever my heart wants to write. This incident was running on my head in class, and for fear of losing the content I wrote it down on my palm...

Ok not digressing much, why are we like this? Let me add on to this, this excited guy works in the same office I once worked for... and when we had extra work to handle, he'd crib and rant along with his fellow team mates, discussing about how Indians are 'used' for cheap labor...

HA HA HA... Is all I can say!

With Independence day nearing... I want to know if we are really proud of the fact that we are Indians?

May be. May be not.

India does not have good roads- does not have clean bathrooms- is still poor- the coovam still stinks- there are no sky scrapers- there is great agrarian crisis- farmers are dying everyday- there are annoying power cuts- the untouchables exist- the richer are getting richer and the poor poorer- communal riots exist- the fear of getting burnt alive on the bus or train due to riots, the fear of being attacked by terror spreading groups on Independence day itself... !!! The irony - we are not free to celebrate our own independence!

Do we really want to say we are Indians?

I want to! India gave me what I call my home. It holds me with respect. It educated me. It taught me how to write what I feel like. It employed me. It gave me good food. It taught me how to pray for afflicted families. It taught me that whether tall, thin, fat, dark, fair, ugly, pretty, Indians are my brothers and sisters. It taught me how to play gilli. It taught me how to cry when my grand parents left me. It taught me how to look after my parents when they need me. It taught how to love my sibling. It taught me the sanctity of love and unity. It taught me how to value my loved ones. It taught me that God is nothing but parents and teachers. It taught me how to write on a slate. It taught me to pray before every meal. It taught me how to share my food with my friends. It taught me how to love myself. It taught me to go on... no matter what happens... it gave me confidence... always.

I want to say I'm an Indian and I'm proud. I'm indebted for all that my nation has done for me. I don't know of any discrimination, everyone is one.

Mera Bharat Mahaan!

If I don't do this I don't have a heart...

I would like to thank my dear friend Gayathri R. In many ways, she has taught me important lessons in life. She has helped me distinguish between trivial things and important things in life. She has been with me through the ups and downs of my life at Hyderabad. She has trusted me whole heartedly and has loved me like no other friend.

She introduced and subscribed me to Frozen Thoughts, a monthly magazine that is a wonderful source of good thoughts and mantra for awakening. It has a powerful dose of good living tips and provides one enough medicine for a healthy living.

By far this the best gift I have ever got from a friend. How often do you see friends who teach you fishing rather than giving you fish for a day? Gayathri has done just that. Instead of providing me with advice for a day and then letting go, she has gone one step ahead by gifting me clarity of thought.

Gayathri, whatever you did for me, you did it out of love for which you did not expect anything in return.

God bless you always!

The uncertainity called Life!

I pinged my friend and jokingly asked her how she was 'enjoying' work... she didn't reply to my question but just sent me this link.

My first reaction: OMG!

First thought: This could happen to anyone. Anyone!

I was dull after hearing about this because I relate with them through work. Though I have never interacted much I knew they existed. I heard the atmosphere at office is very sad. Friends and colleagues are finding it difficult to come to terms with the incident. Sigh!

Imagine the others in that compartment. Families, children, husbands, wives, grandparents, lovers, friends, colleagues, ... dreams, hopes ... all gone... getting burnt alive... you feel the pain, the killing pain, and yet to live till you are charred... the worst form of death... :(

All these things happen. There's no stopping. Two little innocent children lost their parents (a close family friend) to an accident few months ago. The family, kids, an aunt and the couple were coming back home from a visit to a temple. Their return ended on a disastrous note. The children came back home termed orphans. For no fault of theirs, the kids are lonely today and under the care of known strangers.

At this juncture, all I can think about is the uncertainty that dominates us. To an extent I have given up being a procrastinator. The work I leave behind for tomorrow may never be complete, I probably may not exist tomorrow. I have consciously stopped fighting with A, due an inexplicable fear that rules my heart :(

Life is uncertain. People who smile at us today may not live to see a tomorrow. This is what should make us feel we are under the domination of a power that can destroy and create. We are mere actors in this play called life.

We can't pray for supernatural life saving powers, but we can and should pray for strength that'll help us overcome tribulations and afflictions.

I tried so hard...

to delete my Orkut profile... but couldn't 'cos I own five different communities... and if my profile is erased no one would be allowed to be a part of the community... of course I can grant moderator/ co-owner privileges to my friends... but the thought that my name will forever be lost makes me sad... :(

yet... one of these days, I'm going to delete my Orkut account and concentrate on other important things in life...

Aaaaaarrrrrrrrggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm screaming as I'm typing this rubbishhhhhh.... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...........


Never been sooooooooo pissed offff and soooooooo agitated in life.......!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

myyyyyyy gawwwwwddddddddd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(


aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Kya aap panchvi pass se tez ho?

Let me start off by saying - The show sucks!

And why I say so - because of the annoyingly stupid questions that they ask and the annoyingly ignorant participants and the fake smartness that oozes out of every kid there. And of course the annoying SRK.

What poisonous fruit did Snow White consume? - Err Jack fruit? Oh an apple?! DUHHHH!!!

What irritates me the most - the unfair advantage the kids gain.

The kids on the show are carefully picked from TV shows, ad films. They are trained/otherwise actors! I see them in every damn ad, horlicks, vicks vapor rub, etc etc. These kids DO NOT represent the student population of India. They probably belong to an already elite society with several movie offers in hand and 'on duty' attendance.

Ok cutting away from being extremely cynical, my questions are - why aren't random students from around the nation called to be a part of the show? Are you sure these actor kids are really smart... I mean, do you give them a script? Are they being paid? If they are, why are they being paid if you're already giving them an education grant of 10 lac? Why not give this grant to students who really need it? Why are you so stupid?????

Why? Grrr!

Coming to the main question - Are you brighter than a grade 5 pass out?... Yeah right we are! Of course we know that 10 bucks is equal to '18' 25 paise and '11' 50 paise. WTF!

I have no clue what they're trying to prove? and if you're multiplying 18*25 + 11*50 ... you are meant to be on that nonsensical show.

Century!

Successfully completed 100 posts on blog :P Incidentally my 100th post had to be a tragedy... sigh!

And everything came back alive...

Dr. Manju sat down near Reema. She looked at her tiny little feet wrapped in white. She fondly remembered the first day her eyes met Reema's. She was the most beautiful child she'd ever seen.' Seven years into marriage and no child' the society would ridicule her. Reema completed Manju's life and its emptiness.
Reema was petite and very delicate for her age. She'd bruise herself all the time and the tiny droplets of tears would break Manju's heart.
'Why is Reema so careless?' asked Dr. Arjun.
'She'll grow' Manju would reply with tenderness. 'My Reema will grow.'
Reema would build mud castles and run into the house to top it with her flag but on her return she would see her master piece being stamped upon by her friends. She had no true friends. They'd call her names and make her cry. Reema would run away and hug her fig tree. She'd fondly brush her cheeks over the fruits and smile. She'd run her little fingers on the tree's trunk and say, 'one day they'll want to be my friends.'
'Mamma, do you love me?' Reema asked Manju.
Yes of course. You know you are my angel. Why do you ask me this Reema?'
'I just wanted to ask you. I like it when you say yes.'
Reema dozed off on Manju's lap. Manju looked at her, eyes welling with tears, 'I love you Reema. You brought love into my life. I cannot thank you enough.'
Manju knew Reema did not have many friends at school. She was hardly invited to birthday parties, she did not have playmates, her lunch box would come back half eaten, never shared... Manju never understood why... yet Reema never complained. She'd smile and ask her mother if she loved her and she'd always hear 'yes.' That made the child happy enough.
'Reema do you want to go out with mama on a picnic?.'
'Yes of course mama, wherever you take me.'
Sunday morning and instead of making her usual visit to the temple, Manju was busy packing Reema's favorite snack, bread rolls, some cup cakes and a bottle of apple juice. Her picnic basket was ready. Reema was busy packing her stuff into her bag that included Lila, her little bunny and Butter, her little whale.
Manju knew Reema loved the sea so she decided to take her to the nearest beach village for the picnic. She told her friends about this and they all decided to make it a family picnic sans the husband.
The bus arrived and Manju called out to Reema.
'Come quick Reema' she said.
'Let me say bye bye to my tree.'
Reema looked at her fig tree and said, 'You are my best friend. I'll miss you.'

'Can I sit here with Akhil?' Reema asked Manju.
'Of course Reema.' Manju replied.

Manju watched Reema laughing aloud. Akhil was saying funny things to her and every time she found the story too funny she's turn to look at Manju. Manju would smile and feel light. The beach village was about an hour away from the city and they were to reach there before noon. Manju was planning what games she'd execute. Now that Reema had found company she could relax in peace.
Reema was singing poems to Akhil, and she's occasionally wave 'hello' to her fellow bus mates. In the midst of her singing Reema looked at Manju and waved excitedly at her, 'bye mama. Bye bye mama.'
Before Manju could react she saw Reema's smile disappear... she lost her smile forever.

The bus had taken a sharp turn and that changed Manju's life forever. Reema's head hit against a lonely tree on the highway and that was the last Manju saw of her beautiful innocent face.

Reema's classmates cried for her... her enemies cried... her teachers, her bullies... everybody cried...they probably regretted not having treated Reema well... not having called her to their b'day parties... not having laughed with her... not having loved her... but now they wanted to be her friend...Reema had friends now...

Dr. Manju sat down near Reema. She looked at her tiny little feet wrapped in white. One last time before the fires ate her...

Blank...

An urge to write but don't know what...

A Day To Remember

'It’s a fine Saturday morning!' I exclaimed. 'Oh shucks, I have to go to work but also I have an appointment with my best friend for some coffee.'

I decided to chuck work for the procrastinator in me. 'I’d rather have the piping hot coffee,' I thought.

I love the word piping, though it reminds me of this complex pipeline system that manages to flush out effluents from our homes. Ok! whatever makes me say that. I decided to wear my usual blue Capri teamed with my favorite pastel pink kurti that I keep wearing every week, no matter what, simply because it makes me feel like a model of a Westside campaign. If my mother knew I was repeating clothes at work, every single week, she’d be shattered. But then, c’mon, I have favorites, and this kurti has become a piece of my heart. I picked it from Westside and ever since it found place in my wardrobe I’ve made sure it clings to me often.

I looked for it in my cupboard, and cursed my laziness, for I do not find it neatly ironed and smelling like it was freshly dipped in fragrant water but clumsily thrown into the laundry bag that was almost overflowing.

Yikes!

The little devil in me tells me ‘Simply iron it and wear it with some perfume generously sprayed. Nobody will know.’

I was out on the streets, wearing my favorite kurti, and smelling like a ‘walking incense,’ only, this was repelling people away.

I called Bhargavi to check if she was going to pick me up or if I should make it on my own. Of course, I ask the former question in a very heart-melting innocent voice because I’m too lazy to go to anywhere on my own, and the always caring Bhargavi pulls in her Honda Activa in exactly five minutes.

“What’s that strange smell?” she asks, looking like a sniff dog.

Err, let’s go quickly. We do not want to be late for a coffee do we?

“Huh? Okay. Whoever says that for a cuppa coffee! Hop on.”

I’m quick to react. I was fiercely manipulating some witty replies, should Bhargavi ask me the “What’s that smell” question again.

My non-used lazy brain, however, could not think of anything. “I’ll just have to use my puss-in-the boots look, I suppose” I tell myself.

Bhargavi is a careful rider and that irritates me sometimes, because she signals her turn at every street, inhabited or otherwise. She also honks at every turn she takes! Man, whoever does that these days. Deep down inside my heart, I’m proud my friend follows every traffic rule and lets every human being on foot overtake her. I smiled at the old granny who just overtook us.

But, I love Bhargavi for all this. I love riding with her. At least I get to admire nature, or gasp in shock at the obscene bill boards or spot a cute guy with the 'Marlborne' helmet riding his Pulsor. I wonder why helmets make guys look cute. I prefer it that way. Really! So, one rarely gets to notice all these beauties, when on a speeding bike ride.

We come to a halt outside Barista and see it is quarter-full (for the optimist in me). Well, which hep-gang comes for a coffee in the morning, anyways? We are 'hopeless' beings and prefer coffee when there is less noise. We seat ourselves on our favorite couch, pastel green and leather.

“So, Naaz tell me why you think there is no life left in you?”

Huh? What do you mean Bharagavi?

“I’m referring to yester night’s phone conversation.”

'Oh, that.' I snicker. That was simply, zimbly you know.

I think I just cracked a light joke.

“Shut up, and tell me.”

With Bhargavi, there is no escape.

Well, err, I’m just frustrated that I’m lonely. That’s it.

“And do you know why you are lonely?”

Bhargavi, please let’s not get into that.

“See, you decided you will be lonely and why do resent it, suddenly?”

Let’s get some coffee first. I’m so scared.

“Ok, chill! I’m just concerned.”

Of course I know that.

“So devil’s own?”

Hmm, yes I guess. I’m hungry and I don’t mind some chocolate. Or, wait I’ll have some frappe. Or, hmm, what about a smoothie man?

“Naaz, decide and then stick to it.”

Bhargavi, you remind me of our principal in college!

“Yuck!”

Ok, so I’ll have a Frappe and Devil’s own.

“Ok, I’m making mine one devil’s own.”

Ok, I’m embarrassed but I have a huge appetite.

“Oh, please. Do not bother about that. We all know that and it never hurt us.”

Yay! By the way, I think we use Ok way too often!

Who cares.

We placed an order for our fill and after a hundred attempts at spelling my name right starting from Jaaz to Naat, the counter guy settled with ‘Baar-kavi,’ “easy name madam” he exclaimed.

Grr!

“Naaz, why don’t you talk to Dev? I mean…”

Bhargavi, chuck it man. Please I beg.

“Oops, sorry.”

Nah, it’s ok.

Just then the door flung open and I saw someone who gave me this weird feeling that I should instantly get down on my knees and worship the man, some Greek deity, in true Greek style. My reaction was pretty cheap. Bhargavi noticed my mouth lying open like a rhinoceros’s yawn and immediately turned to see what caused the phenomenon. Her reaction was a replay of mine. We must have looked like two cheapsters craving for some masculine presence. It took us 15 seconds to come back to our senses. We were terribly embarrassed.

Oh man, what a dirty first impression we made!

I think he gave us this, oh my goodness ‘some cheapos here’ look!

I think I also heard him say “Stop Letching you morons.” I really hope it is my imagination.

My mouth flung open again as he sat down carefully at the corner table. He quickly walked up to the counter and I think he asked for one hot coffee and that’s it.

“Oh no, if my order came anytime, I should look like a pig, eating food enough to feed some hungry villages.” I thought.

“I must cancel my order Bhargavi, it’s an emergency” I announce.

Before she could react I got up from my seat and rushed to the counter, unaware of the waiter emerging from behind the pillar to deliver my order of soul gratifying food.

What happened next was nothing less than a clash of titans. All I could think of was that the Greek God was now beaming with joy! “Serves her right! The letch.”

I hope it’s my imagination again. Bhargavi came to my rescue, flushed and extremely conscious of his presence.

The waiter was cursing me in the vernacular lingo and thank goodness I did not understand a word. I uttered a million ‘sorries’ and ran to the washroom.

Bhargavi followed me and yes, yelled at me though she kept asking me if everything was fine.

“Naaz, I hope you understand that you not only made us look like two fools but also irresponsible idiots.”

I’m sorry Bhargavi, but that guy!

“That guy, grr!”

I’m so sorry Bhargavi.

“It’s okay man. C’mon clean up and get back fast.”

I don’t know how I’m going to face him.

“Naaaaaz.”

He he he. Okay. I’ll be there in two minutes.

“Good girl.”

I came out, all flushed and not allowing my eyes to set on him, a challenge so great that I failed miserably. I saw him sipping his coffee in style and giving me a weird glance. I hope this is imagination. I really hope! I sat down on the couch, my back facing the guy and sipping the smoothie that Bhargavi ordered.

“I think the devil’s own idea was jinxed!”

You could be right.

Bhargavi signaled to me that the cute guy was leaving. I don’t know why, but both of us were instantly sad. And then suddenly Bhargavi was all alarmed and gently whispered that he was coming towards us. I so wanted to run.

And then it happened, he gently bent over and asked Bhargavi “Is everything alright?” in the squeakiest voice we’d ever heard in our lives.

Ok, now we really wanted to run.

“Err, yeah. Thanks for asking.”

He came forward to face me, beamed his smile and I pretended to look alright and not bothered and he bid goodbye, gently. I exchanged a quick goodbye while controlling my laughter. Just as soon as he stepped out, we were in splits…laughing uncontrollably.

“What on earth was that?”

I don’t know.

“Well, so much trouble for this!”

Yeah, yeah! The morons that we really are.

Meter down!

Auto driver (AD): Where?
Me: Cathedral road
AD: 90 bucks.
Me: For 4 kms? Meter?
AD: Meter down!

That's the last thing you want to hear. Why don't they repair their meters then, I say. And they always quote exuberant prices, if you don't want to pay they don't want to bargain. What's funny is, they will loiter about in their autos looking for victims to heed to their torture but they will not accept a fair price for a ride, instead, they end up wasting fuel in the process. The irony!

But not all auto drivers are bad. Some of them respect the passenger and work in dignity. Thanks to the arrogant lot, we fail to recognize these good guys and judge them too.

I read somewhere that most of these guys are goons and mask their identities with the 'auto driver' tag. They have much political backing and that gives them that extra courage. The political parties get loyalty points in return. What's the world coming to?

The fact remains that auto meters never work and will not work till god-knows when. For those who depend on autos will have to shell out a large sum of money to go anywhere or walk in the scorching sun or fight back!

Down down!

Show me the money and I'll be on my way to do just the same!!!

Where the hell is Matt?

Gosh the world is so beautiful! :)

The Dark Alley

That was a great show! Don't you think?

"Yes of course Lila!" I said slightly disturbed

What are you gaping at? You look so lost.

"Nothing actually."

Please tell me.

"It's 8:30 PM."

So?

"I'm scared that it's too late and not safe to go back home..."

Late? It's 8:30! Oh c'mon. I've been out real late so many times. Nothings going to happen.

"But, I'm scared."

Oh please!

"I don't know...I shouldn't have stayed here for this long. I'm too scared..."

Why are you such a baby? Alright. Let's ask Dharini's mother if she would give us a lift.

"Oh Ok!" I beamed.

Aunty, would you mind dropping us off at our places. It's getting too late, and our house is on the way to your place.

"Yes Aunty. Please. " I begged.

Hmmm...Ok. Come along then.

All along the drive I was disturbed. I had never been out late without my parents and here I was today, in unknown company and a friend who claims to a brave 'tiger.' I was not ready to face the world at this age. I greatly regretted not listening to my mother. I wanted to show her I was a teenager and like Lila, I could handle things on my own. She told me, you do not know this world. The dark skies were now smirking at me. I couldn't breathe.

The car came to a sudden halt.

Can you guys get down here? I actually need to get elsewhere.

"Oh, but it's so late and my house is so far away." I spoke almost bursting into tears.

C'mon! You are 14! I'm sure you can handle this.

"Oh yes we can Aunty. Thanks for the lift." Lila spoke quickly.

I got off reluctantly.

"What were you saying?"

What?

"I'm sure we can handle this? What are you thinking?"

Nothing. We are big people now!

"No we are not. We are only 14. We do not know the world. "

Ya right.

"And that lady? She has a daughter too? I'm sure she wouldn't leave her alone like this? Look at this place...there's no one in sight. What did she think?"

She thought we were OLD!

"Which we are not Lila! You get that?"

YOU are not old! I am.

I did not wish to continue talking to someone who was pretending to be too mature for her age.

"I'll come to your place and ask Yohaan to come and pick me up. "

You know what, we should have one of those phones people have. You can call anyone from anywhere to anywhere. Cellphones. Imagine if you had one now, you could ask your brother to come over right away.

"Yeah, but I do not have a cellphone and if you do not mind I'll call Yohaan from your land phone. "

Duh! Of course.

"Lila is crazy" I thought.

First she makes me stay over at school for this late and then she talks about technical advancements I was not even interested in learning about. Then she justifies that it was all right for the lady to drop us off somewhere, nowhere in the dark. It was 9:15 and we were 2 young 14 year olds, dressed in a red shirt and a white skirt, our sports uniform, all alone on the lonely streets unaware of any impending danger.

I always preferred walking in adequately lit areas, it gave me a sense of security. Lila on the other hand was turning into some kind of a psycho who proclaimed she knew every street in and out, whether lit or otherwise. She signaled we should take a shortcut, and I strongly disagreed.

This will take us home in 2 mins. That well lit road of yours will take us home in 10 minutes.

"I do not care."

Well I do. We are both going this way.

"No we are not. "

Of course we are!

"Lila. Stop being ridiculous. Why don't you understand it's not safe."

Well, what do you know about my locality. It's absolutely safe. You can come here at 12 in the night and nothing will ever happen to you.

"Well, I don't think so Lila. "

Shut up once and for all and come.

I had no choice than to listen to this crazy female because I was too scared to take the longer route on my own. I was uncomfortable and disturbed and almost in tears for having known Lila.

"What's that sound Lila. "

Don't look. Keep walking.

I heard bikes wheeling and roaring their way into the dark. I turned and looked at them. Four men on two bikes. I was trembling with fear. I knew we were not safe.

"Lila?"

Sssssh. Do not talk. Keep walking. They will go away.

True. they went away. I regained my composure but I was now extremely scared. Lila was scared too. She was a girl too...and she couldn't cover her woman-ness with the mask of a tiger.

"Lila, they're back."

Oh my God.

"Let's hide behind the cars please. "

No. Let's keep walking.

I was right behind Lila and the bikes were nearing us now. They screeched past me and went right up to the end of the street. I knew what was going to happen. I kept walking. The ignition started again, this time they applied more acceleration and headed right in my direction. Suddenly Lila was nowhere to be seen. She was running towards a car...to hide.

I was standing all alone with two bikes approaching me...and suddenly something happened. Something really bad.

All the men swung open their arms and as they sped by me, slapped me.

I fell. Lost.

I heard some cheering behind me. I saw Lila running towards me yelling 'Naaz'

...and then I saw no more.

Iruvatru paium pamale - Subramaniapuram... Like the style!

...

my first untitled post - i'm feeling down suddenly - some sort of a weird feeling - mostly because i'm feeling lonely - been used to loving company off late - loneliness hurts - suddenly - am unable to sleep - but it'll pass - morning will bring new day - new energy - the loving company -

...

I keep looking...

I probably have all things I 'really' need... I probably have what I truly deserve and whatever I have is probably the best... I probably don't have to crib about anything... I probably don't have to look worried or probably don't have to bother much... but... yet...

I keep looking for something... as though I've missed something in my life...something that'll complete this emptiness... some sort of a weird emptiness... I don't know what... I don't even understand... but I just keep looking...

there is a part of me that is 'still' lonely... and in that loneliness I search for something...something inexplicable... I wait for that something to happen... something that'll complete the puzzle...why do I feel that until that something happens I will not be in peace...why do I feel that when that something happens I will completely surrender myself to calm... and everything will be alright... but why do I feel this way?

Sometimes I love detachment... from everything... even from myself...sometimes I cease to exist... sometimes I want to understand what I'm looking for...but whatever it is, knows I'm looking for it and keeps moving away from me...like it's sketching a journey for me... I'm not sure if I should follow the path it has etched for me...I'm not sure if this is the journey I should pursue or remain where I am...

there are too many questions and uncertainties but no answers and no means to find the answers...

For now, I'm looking and I'll keep looking... when I find myself... I'll know...

Dialogues with the lazy mutt!

'Mol, could you please deposit this check in the bank?' - No mummy. You go.

'Mol, switch off the fan please' - No Jeenu, you do na. I'm going.

'Heba, go online and check this na?' - zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Heba did you check? - No da... I slept off! :( Sorry sorry sorry sorry

It's ok Heba - Thanks. zzzzzzzzzzz

'Mol, get up!' - snoozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

'Mol, go with Daddy to buy some supplies' - I'm going to take a bath now mummy.

'Did you take a bath?' - zzzzzzzzz

'Take a bath!!!!!' - OK

'What are you doing in front of the comp, and you STILL didn't take a bath??' - One minute mummy. I'll go now ok?

'Go' - OK I'll go.

'Keep the suitcase in the loft' - Let Selvi (domestic help) do it please....

'No you keep it' - Selvi come here pleaseee.... come fast... :D

Mol, what does this mean? - I don't know Jeenu.

Arre, check na? - You check na!

Waste you are! - I know. So?

Nothing! Biggest waste of India! - OK keep quiet and run away! :D

:D

M.A in Maths?

Is it possible? I mean... is Maths an art? I thought it belonged to the much feared and disliked class called 'science!'

I found this ad online...some matrimony funda... has a pic of 'smert' Indian chic who holds a M.A in Maths, not an M.Sc...


I'm confused!

I am soooo dumb :(

I can now be termed, 'a stupid, senseless, foolish and a joke of a GF.' :( :( :(

A wanted to spend some time with me before he left to Indore and while he thought I was being so loving to him, I was cheating him by thinking why he didn't get me a gift. I was expecting him to give me some sort of a farewell gift. (I feel like a fool!!)

We lunched together, saw so many places, had a lot of fun, but my stupid mind only kept thinking, 'Whyyyy didn't he get me something... at least a card... at least a letter... something...' And when he asked me something with a smile I answered him with tears in my eyes. Then, I cried like a kid. Immature and unbearable.

Feeling guilty or out of utter confusion or may be out of irritation, he ran away to get me something! :(

He's not here now... he's still shopping... but I feel like slapping myself for thinking 'something' matters :(

I feel so bad for being like this... :(

A'll probably not hate me... but I HATE myself! :(

:( :(

I baked a cake today!

My A is leaving to Indore on Sunday and he is going to spend a day with me before he does. I wanted to get him something special but thanks to the Chennai rains I'm under house arrest. Anyways, I quite enjoy rains so its OK.

Hmm, so I decided to make full use of my presence at home and decided to bake a cake for him. :D
In the past, I have helped my mom with baking cakes during Christmas, but I've never baked one myself. I did not want to experiment much, so I decided to bake a simple Vanilla (A's favorite flavor) cake. And, here it is!

All my love went into this. I feel so excited!!

I want Nags to see this and tell me what she thinks!! :D She's the kitchen queen! :D

And, a glimpse of the rains

This one looks like a hand shower :P

THE INTRODUCTION - Whatte Start??!!!

I was going through my blog and noticed that I made a rather sudden, abrupt start into the world of blogging. I started off with a poem and never ever realized that I did not have an introduction post... like everyone else does, 'why am I blogging...' etc etc.

Time for an introduction! So weird but I don't care :P

Frankly, I started blogging because it was more of a necessity than a choice. I was asked to start one, as a part of my job. A testing platform for advertising, so we could understand the product better and provide accurate resolutions. Bleh bleh.

Yeah so we were a batch of 10 going getting trained and 'my' friends in class (three of us) created blogs during the third week of February 2007. That's how AN, AS and I got introduced into the world of blogging. I'm not giving you their links because they are very private people and I respect their privacy :)

But I would love to tell you how we started off this journey of blogging. Incidentally, AN, AS and I wrote on 'Love' in the first post itself. AS expressed it beautifully with an excerpt from the Bible. I, as usual, questioned myself on where 'Love' was et al with the usual touch of gloom... and AN posted a beautiful poem by Vikram Seth on love.

It's weird how all three of us wanted to first touch upon a topic called, 'love.' Makes me wonder. AN claims we are 'hopeless' romantics! :P I agree! :D

Anyways, that's how I came here. What began as an unwanted burden upon my lazy fingers has now become one of the most cherished pages of my life. Here, I want to keep coming back. Here, I see myself and here, I have become a better person.

This niche is where I will come to talk, to feel, to express, to live and to love.

Ramblings on relationships and it's sensitivity.

This post has been doing its rounds of mental execution and even still, I have no idea how to go ahead and draft this to convey what I want to, really. So the topic is simple: One very VERY important thing one must, MUST, avoid when in a relationship.

Simple answer: Sharing the problems you face in a relationship with a friend.

I cannot stress enough on this and can give you so many examples on how relationships break because of an emergence of another emotional bonding with somebody, a friend usually. Like the sixth finger, it sticks on and detachment is a painful option.

All of us have different kinds of experiences in context to relationships. We share relationships with our parents, siblings, relatives, soul mates, and also sometimes, friends. Not one of us can say with surety, that there has been no tiff between the subjects involved in the relationship. When we have a fight with our sibling, we talk about it to our parents or friends, and then come to a compromise or find a resolution rather than trying to break off the relationship completely.

But what makes a 'love' relationship so sensitive that sharing fights with others becomes a hazard to the relationship itself?

It largely circles around the subjects. There are expectations in a relationship. That needs to be tackled first. Then there are 'basic' ethics and moral values that need to be respected. And lastly, the minds and heart that keeps wandering about looking for solace has to come under control.

When a partner fights or disagrees on an issue, we frown/get angry or we try to convince or we try to make a compromise.
We frown because: we are not prepared to receive the partner's opinion.
We try to convince because: we are determined that our decision is right and should be accepted, and,
We compromise because: we cannot afford to fight over such things and we have our priorities, to keep the relationship's temper cool.

When you share this with a friend:

a) The friend listens patiently and makes an effort to understand, because he/she is your friend. But what makes him/her understand is that this fight that you just had with your loved one will in no way affect his/her survival or peace. So her/his advice will be mostly sensible and sometimes biased. Your friend wants to see you happy.

b) The friend agrees to whatever step you took to convince your partner. He/she will feel that what 'x' did was quite unreasonable and what you did was definitely ok.

We must know that, even a murderer will defend himself when asked if he committed a murder. No one wants to be blamed and everybody wants to be known as a sensible and good person.

c) The friend will explain how you can avoid such tiffs in future and thus, comes in handy, her/his 'ready to execute' kit of resolutions. You may feel that so-and-so actually has the medicine.

What you may start feeling:

a) My friend understands the situation. Why doesn't my partner feel the same?

The irritation sets in. You may feel you have been putting up with a lot of this lately and you clearly don't deserve this. There are other people who understand all this better. That's way better than trying to explain everything, every single time.

b) My friend feels I'm right, why can't he/she see that? Of course I'm right.

Dislike sets in. You may feel that it's a waste trying to expect and you'll let things the way it is, messed up.

c) I'll propose this solution, he/she may understand.

Distrust sets in. Do you think h/she will accept someone else's solutions? Your friend probably does not even understand your partner's heart. Your partner will be heart broken when she/he comes to learn your problems were actually shared.

What must you do then?

There is no problem that cannot be resolved. Talk it out with your partner. Love is a complete package, comprising of trust, care, and faith. If you try to pull out even one of the package content, you will find yourself in a rut.

Analyse - Anything should be analysed before you jump into a conclusion. Any decision taken emotionally cannot be validated and is usually a mistake that may be difficult to rectify.

Do not get emotionally hijacked: Do not let your partner be the victim of your emotions. Once you get out of your emotion's grip, you will regret to see how much hurt you've caused.

Say it out loud in your head before you shout it loud in the open: Do not say things that you know will cause a strain in the relationship. Words once uttered cannot be taken back.

Accept your partner completely: No one is perfect. Your partner loves you and you love her/him and in front of your love, looks and material hold no value.

Inculcate the habit of listening: Half your problems will be solved.

Never NEVER tell your friends you are not happy because he/she is like this and like that: They won't know and whatever they say, is out of concern for you. If a 'girl' friend of yours is way sensible than your girl, come to your senses! You'd probably not be happy with this 'girl' friend too if she were in a relationship with you.

It's all temporary! If your better half abuses you then seek professional help. If he/she is loving and caring 90% of the time, there's absolutely NOTHING wrong with them. You HAVE to understand.

In the end it's all about how you keep the balance. It's easy to walk out of a relationship, because you feel it's not going to work. But it takes a lot to work towards seeing it work, because you have faith. That's the challenge.

Someone (X) got married to someone (Y). And they seemed to live a happy life. Until one day, as if they weren't aware, X and Y would fight and argue over little things. Enter XX. Y would share it's problems with XX, until one day Y felt XX is far understanding than X. I'd be happier with XX, it thought. All this while X didn't know why Y did so. Y never spent time with X because it thought XX was understanding. X remained perplexed and Y slowly started losing all the love it once had for X. X wanted to talk but Y had no time. Y had all the time for XX. One day, Y threw X way from it's life and brought in XX into its life. X never got a chance to talk to Y and Y never realized that X was willing to talk.

X was lonely. XX was guilty. Y was not happy with XX too, cos every relationship bring with it tests.

We have to take the test and emerge victorious, together. That's the glory of life.

Nobody wants to be lonely. No man can live as an island. Everybody needs a companion. We have to strive to be a good companion. :)

And...another tag.

Here's another interesting tag. Thanks to Manas for tagging me along :)

Last movie seen in a theater: Dashavatharam (??!!)

What book are you reading? Brida - Paulo Coelho

Favourite board game: Pictionary

Favourite magazine: Good Housekeeping :D

Favourite smells: Wet mud (after rains), ginger/masala tea.

Favourite sound: A calling me 'Heba.'

Worst feeling in the world: Being left out all alone even in a crowd.

What is the first thing you think of when you wake up? Is A up too?

Favorite fast food place: Shree Mithai

Future child’s name: Tiara and Tara :D :D

Finish this statement, “If I had a lot of money I’d…” become a globetrotter.

Do you drive fast? No.

Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? They sleep on my bed. I'm mostly asleep in my parent's room :D cos I'm too scared to sleep alone.

Storms - Cool or Scary? Scary.

Do you eat the stems on broccoli? Yes. I've never been served broccoli without stems.

If you could dye your hair any colour, what would be your choice? Maroon with blue streaks. :D

Name all the different cities/towns you have lived in: Eranakulam, Ankleshwar, Delhi, Gurgaon, Ahmedabad, Chennai, Hyderabad.

Favorite sports to watch: Football.

One nice thing about the person who sent this to you: Loves his work at MS. Passionate about technology. :)

What’s under your bed? The floor.

Would you like to be born as yourself again? Yes but only if A is born as himself again. Else, NO!

Morning person or night owl? Actually I don't know myself... but I think largely, a night owl :D

Over easy or sunny side up? Sunny side up.

Favorite place to relax: A's arms. :D

Favorite ice cream flavor: Butterscotch.

You pass this tag to – Nags, Nandu, Kaavya, Matha Priye.

Of all the people you tagged this to, who’s most likely to respond first? I'm guessing all of them.

Heights of joblessness...

I'm now 'officially' jobless and unofficially so at all times. Was going through one of my fav blog, Nag's, and found an object of much admiration from my end, tags. I liked it and I tagged myself. :)


I'm: happy most times.
I think: way too much about the end of this world!
I know: everything happens for our own good.
I want: to master making A's favorite dishes.
I have: everything I could ever ask for.
I wish: I could stop being a procrastinator.
I hate: being left out of any conversation.
I miss: my A :(
I fear: stray dogs. They know I'm scared.
I feel: light inside when it rains.
I hear: good music.
I smell: wet mud and smile.
I crave: for thayir vada.
I search: for something I don't understand.
I wonder: if I'll ever lose weight.
I regret: not taking my UG seriously.
I love: A.
I ache: after talking too much.
I care: a lot about A, my parents and bro.
I am not: willing to smoke and drink at any cost.
I believe: in my principles.
I dance: when no one except A is watching.
I sing: like a donkey but do so whenever I feel like.
I cry: easily.
I don’t always: think before I make a decision.
I fight: for/with anything that'll pollute my love for A.
I write: to convey my feelings.
I win: in my dreams. All the time.
I lose: my temper real quick. Hate it. Working on it.
I never: give up on my family members, including A. No matter what people say. Never.
I always: share a light conversation with my relatives, no matter how much I hate them. :D
I confuse: studies with relaxing time. Relaxing time is time to relax and study time is also relaxing time. LOL
I listen: patiently when A talks on history, communism, foosball et al.
I can usually be found: inside my room rearranging books and posters and most times, talking to A over the phone.
I am scared: of sleeping alone. Very scared.
I need: more watches! :D
I am happy about: the fact that I'm back home for good! :)

Settling down...

I finally left Hyderabad and tons of memories behind... I'm at Chennai...trying to adjust with home!

Am unpacking like crazy hell... else my mom will get an asthma attack... can't afford that!

Am trying out recipes while I hear my mom telling me how much weight I've put on and how Kaushalya aunty's daughter-in-law is so thin and that pakathu-veetu (neighbour) Priya is still so slim... I'm turning deaf!

I don't care! Even if I do I don't want to admit it! 'It'll all go'... I tell her...

I miss my A terribly... it's like being separated from an organ... I feel like I don't have two hands but only one... It's true... the gates have opened up...

Gates to the world called 'Long Distance Relationship.'

But time flies...and I've seen it flying... this'll pass... till then...

I've to learn to stop calling the auto guys 'Bhaiyya' or preserve my extensive precious collection of winter wear... Good bye winter!

I've to learn to never complain when I sweat and smell like a skunk... Not allowed!

I've to learn to stop hoping that I'll get to go to PVR for a good movie... I'll settle with Satyam...

I've to learn to ask my mother for money, AGAIN!

I've to learn to stop expecting A to come down every time I want to see him... :( :( :(

I've to learn to hit the gym regularly...Everyday!

I have to learn... everything... all over again!

I'll settle... at least when I finish unpacking... I'd be half settled!

But that's the task.. discarding 'little' memories because it looks like junk to someone else...

It'll all go to the loft... waiting to be opened on a rainy afternoon, whilst in the company of A and hot masala tea and conversations and memories and laughter and tears... oh, simple joys!

:)

Leaving...

The day is actually here... I'm leaving...

Google, Hyderabad, friends and everything else...

It feels so weird... Tomorrow is my last day at work and I don't know how I'm going to feel working on my computer for one last time, eating at the cafeteria for one last time and seeing some lovely friendly faces around for the last time... I'm going to miss it all.

I'm going to feel weirder when I leave Hyderabad. :(

:(

Poems that make me cry...

Warning: May not mean much to you. Means the WORLD to me.

My A's poems...written out of love for me... I'm so lucky.

1)

Hey luv, the day v chatted
I lost my doubts
The day till u replied
My doubts reappeared
The day u replied
I knew abt happiness
The day v talked
I knew abt ecstasy
The day u proposed
I knew abt heaven.

That is how I am feeling dear , like being in heaven.


2)

Where is God?
Will He help me?
What is love?
Is it true?
What is happiness?
Is it just a dream?
Where r good ppl?
Are they dead?
What will happen(in the future)?
Will it be lifeless?
Where is she?
Will she ever come?

Too many questions
Too many dbts
All the questions
Answered by one
That’s ur luv!
I luv u dear.


3)

My mouth tastes salt
Coz tears carry them
My eyes r red
Coz sleep has bid goodbye
My brain is useless
Coz my mind is lost
My feelings r still
All they want is 2 b killed
My path is blocked
Coz nothing inspires me
Each minute passes by
Like a yr or 2
Life seems meaningless
All is lost
If I lose u.

4)

Oh those sleepless nights,
those mentally torturing days
full of loneliness longing 4 luv - true n selfless
and fear of the other- false luv and false people.
When all these seem the worst,
here comes lovephobia n attacks
a second time.
But hey no need to worry dear
because this time it is filled
with God's blessings -
the only power 2 make it last forever.
So shed all ur fear n rejoice
with happiness n luv galore!
I LOVE U!

5)

Man - the brainy, powerful, know all leader of the family
is nothing more than a talented beast,
the beast % in him decides his worthiness.
They r completely opposite 2 each other.
And what decides this beast % in him??
Nothing but love - the luv of a gal:
Lover, friend , mother , sister...
The luv of a gal makes him feel cared, happy
and puts his brain 2 good use
whereas the lack of it makes him
a beast, a waste.
Right now, its ur luv that is making a difference 2 my life,
With no good friend to care,
your luv is my fuel 4 a good life!

Shifting woes...

So over the weekend... I was shifting my stuff to nowhere! I used to live in a nice flat with 5 other girls but the contract came to an end and so did my joys of living... everybody else had found a place to move into - except me! I did not look for an alternative because I was anyways hanging around for 2 weeks. I assumed I'd easily crash into my friend's places! Of course, assumptions cost you damn expensive. It turned out I had absolutely no place to go. Nowhere!

Yeah...nowhere sounds so depressing and irritating... some 'friends' offered to let me stay in their apartments but with problems popping up every 2 mins about me moving in and then in dire need of shelter and my almost 1 ton weighing luggage lurking behind me I asked some human beings to help me.

The responses I got from some.

- Sorry man. There are other friends coming over and no space for you. (I'm not asking for a 2 acre plot with world class luxuries!)

- The space is not even enough for me man (tch tch... time you moved out too!)

- You can ONLY stay for a week. (Yeah after that I can conveniently sleep on roads.)

- The place will get congested with three people. (Yeah a room with space enough for 2 elephants and 5 zebras to sleep.)

- The owner specified that only 2 girls are allowed to stay in this flat and not more. (Oops! What happens when your mom/sister wants to come over? Yikes!)

- No. Sorry (Ya ya ya. Apologies accepted)

- Sorry

- Sorry

- Sorry

Sorry! The answer to all woes... a very sly replacement to what would be a long explanation ' No ...I cannot let you stay.'

Sorry says it all. So they think.

WHAT DO THEY THINK??!!

It's ok that they didn't let me stay at their places... the point is when times were good... they were all smiles...pretending to be absolute angels and in times of adversities I saw blemishes that cannot be layered away.

Thank goodness for all this. I found out what my friends were made of!


After all this... I'm happy A is with me... as always... during times of trials... someone who makes me laugh and smile. :)

A is back!

So the wait is finally over. A is back and I'm SO relieved. But... a whole lot of stuff happened over the weekend. Very very very interesting stuff! Stuff that made me want to erase 'some' people off my list of considerate beings on earth and made me shudder in shock on my wrong judgments!

I will to blog about it in a separate post.

:)

Day 4

I'm packing and moving and talking to A and it's hectic... I have to survive the weekend... that's the challenge....

*Grrrrrrrrrr*

Day 3

I'm tired and sick of missing A... it's too sad :( :(

Day 2

Sucks... Sucks...

A painful week.

Day 1:

A is not here for a week... I feel so miserable... I feel sick already...

“Man ka ho to acchha. Man ka na ho to zyada acchha !”

I read it somewhere. Makes a lot of sense.

Translates into:

If things go according to your wish, then it's good.

If things don't go according to your wish, then it's even better!

Some wishes are not meant to come true...that's when you know, you probably wished for something you really did not deserve and he has something better coming your way.

Peace.

Chancey illai.

This scene from the movie Santhosh Subramaniam makes you go, 'Cha, chancey illai.'

Watch it if you follow Tamil.

Tai Chi dreams...

I was watching this show on NDTV Good times called 'One Life to Love' and someone on the show said, 'do something this year that you've been thinking you could never do.' Several ideas struck me, one of which was Tai Chi. See, why would I ever go to a Tai Chi class. There was no need, I used to think! It's not a question of whether I 'could' or 'would'... but I just didn't want to try it out.

But now I want to. I have been watching videos on it and I'm fascinated. I specially like this guy's moves. So graceful and smooth. His moves just blend with the music, nature and the mystic force around him.

I'm heading to Chennai and enrolling myself for a Tai Chi class!

Other things I want to do... Look at life from a different perspective. And how's that going to happen?

We'll have to wait!

I'm probably not OK

but that doesn't mean I cease to exist. It means I'm going to become a new me.

Tashan - WTF

Sick is not even the word. Imagine taking a fork and trying to slit open your skull by continuous pounding...well, this is not even close to what you'll feel while watching this crap package.

What was the director thinking? Throw in a skinny bitch and people will flock in to see the movie? What was he trying to convey? The movie was supposed to be an edge of the seat thriller. Yeah right it was, everyone was on the edge of their seats to run away from the theater.

Characters:

Bhayyaji - Anil Kapoor: Annoying beyond belief with his silly and irritating attempts at talking English. My gawwd, this is how getting a rod must feel. It was NOT funny!

Pooja - Kareena Kapoor: Just out of 'The Ring' shooting. Pale and skinny and happily promoting death via an anorexic appearance. Next time READ the script. Oh yes, and please have mercy on our eyes, we do not wish to see a carcass jumping about in torn clothes. Reminds me of cruel slaughter.

Jimmy - Saif Ali Khan: I don't even know why he was a part of this movie.

Bachan Pandey - Akshay Kumar: Tall, handsome, rough and what's his role in the movie?

Plot:

P.S: This may contain spoilers. Hell, the movie is an absolute mood-spoiler.

The movie is narrated in the first person. Similarly, the review goes:

I'm Jimmy and I work for a call center. I only pretend to work because I'm actually always looking out for my lover girl to come and dance in the rain. And then one day I see a ghostly figure dancing in the rain, and I come to learn its Pooja. Pooja wants me to take some English classes. I gladly agree because my call center pays me peanuts. Later, I learn that I'm supposed to teach some goon, Bhayyaji, English. Well, who cares. At least I get to see Pooja everyday. I take classes with utmost sincerity and Bhayyaji is a nice fellow. He cracks annoying jokes that only my girl friend and I find funny. All of us have a good time, enjoying ourselves speaking crappy dialogues and working on a non-existent screenplay. Until, one day Pooja wants me to take Bhayyaji's money. Apparently Pooja has a sad history that moves no one except me. Bhayyaji killed her dad who was also a goon and she had to work for Bhayyaji that day on and now Bhayyaji wanted to marry her. I feel so sorry for her and I take Bhayyaji's money and hand it over to Pooja. Because I'm a sincere employee I go back to work to submit my leave application when some silly police man finds out that Bhayyaji has been robbed and holds a briefing right at my desk. I was petrified. I ran back home, heart filled with hopes that I will soon start F1 racing and Pooja will cheer me. When I get home, I see something strange,

Silly girl, Pooja was out on a vacation. She left me a love note on the mirror smeared with her branded red lip stick. I pretended to be shocked, because they told me this was a thriller. Pooja ran away with the money. Bhayyaji was really very angry with me and hired Bachan from his village to kill me and find Pooja. I somehow convince Bhayyaji who is a dumb headed goon that I also accompany Bachan on his mission to find Pooja. My actual intention was to take a break from all this non-sense! We fail to find Pooja but Pooja finds us and stupid girl hides herself in the car's rear. The three of us come out of the water after the car drowns. We look ferocious with eyes filled with vengeance and mine especially filled with fear that my market may come down after this. The scene was so thrilling that we had to ask for an intermission here because we expected the crowd to get shocked and soaked in this extremely thrilling turn of events.

Turns out no one got thrilled. Pooja, Bachan and I go on several road trips to find the 25 crore loot that she hid in every corner of the country. Smart ass, under the pretext of hiding the money safely, she took us for an all India trip! I still don't understand why she hid in our car and then agreed to give us the money. Anyways, this dumb Bachan guy has a stupid childhood love story to narrate and surprising it turns out that Pooja is his childhood sweetheart. My gawd, it's a such a small world right. Pooja loves Bachan and I also love her but not that much. Actually, I have no idea whom I love, the money, Pooja or my self...Of course I love my self more because I hear people are waiting with shovels outside my house to murder me.

Anyways, we find all the money that Pooja ran away with. Bachan takes responsibility of handing over the money to Bhayyaji. Pooja and I go back to Bhayyaji after a day's relaxing in the backwaters of Kumarakom. When we get to Bhayyaji we find that Bachan is being beaten because the money bags were filled with marbles that I replaced the previous night. How was I supposed to know Bhayyaji would open the bag. hee hee hee.

We then put up a small drama. I pretend to be on Bhayyaji's side and then I beat him up and then Bachan, Pooja and I are an inseparable gang who fight Bhayyaji's men.

The climax will put the Russian circus to shame. We have some amazing stunt men from China who try to beat me up but I'm a trained joker, and I can handle them. Bachan and Pooja are busy firing and jumping and hopping and we're all having a gala time. Bhayyaji also gives Pooja a generous splashing of water and Pooja pretends to be all uncomfortable. But trust me, it was oooph! Oh, that's when I realize I have to do some extraordinary stunts and I turn on my water bike and start riding it furiously towards Bhayyaji. So damn cool. I really thank the unit for setting up a mini theme park in the barren garage. After 10 mins of fighting the three of us get into a car and rush towards the exit gates, but we get trapped inside a closed garage. Merciless Bhayyaji throws a bomb at us. Apparently we were inside the garage for about 10 secs and then we zoom out safely! We don't even get a tiny scratch. Finally, you can drive a car filled with petrol and be subjected to a bomb but never fear of being burnt alive. Bombs don't work anymore.

So we zoom out and the three of us shoot Bhayyaji and his men, about a 100 of them and drive back home safely and peacefully.

Pooja gives me some of her money and I start my company and I only hire girls, because you know me. I'm a playboy.

Pooja and Bachan got married and Pooja started wearing sarees and I once mistook her for Noori.

That's all. I hope you are alive after reading the plot. Because after seeing the movie I assure you certain death. Please don't come looking for me. If anyone deserves to die, it's her. The story revolves around her silly attitude.

Tashan - my foot!

I never thought I'd say this...

... but I like Hyderabad!

Yeah!

So weird...all of a sudden this place is extremely appealing and Chennai is this extremely hot and sticky place filled with nasty men and malls filled with bummy crowd. I was bummed the day I left Hyderabad and was bummed during my stay there and I was all smiles while returning to Hyderabad.

This has never happened... I like the feeling though... and I guess it has has a lot to do with A's presence here...

Great news!

My A has finally received a confirmed call from IIM Indore!!!

I have no words to describe how happy both of us are!

For now... Let the celebration start!!!!

Where's the sun?

I don't get it...Whenever I think of the events in my past the weather is always pleasant. Everything seems to have happened during a cool evening or a pleasant afternoon...I just cannot see the sun... and how can that be possible. Whatever~

Funny but nice.

Ask and you shall recieve...

I learnt it by heart...and I believed in it... because it made sense...I learnt that no father will give his son a stone if he asks for bread nor give him a snake if he asks for a fish...why would God do it then? Why would he not listen to my prayers?

But somewhere down the line I think I misunderstood the concept...because I stopped asking God...I asked mortals instead...and of course I didn't get anything...I kept asking...all the time...that one day they would understand...but it didn't happen...they kept listening... and I kept asking... till it made me hate everybody...including myself.

God looked at me and said, 'ask me.'

I will ask.

The wisdom to 'ask' what is right.

Horton's motto...

No matter how small, a person is a 'person.'

And that exactly is the attitude we lack today. Today, as it stands, a person is no one but 'myself.' It all comes back to my 'self' at the end of the day.

But this amazing movie has beautifully portrayed the true spirit of love, trust, friendship and responsibility. Horton's (the elephant) efforts in saving an entire civilization, that appears to him nothing bigger than a speck on a clover, is so moving. The jungle questions his craziness because Horton believes there IS a world in the speck and that he heard voices from the world. Whoville's mayor, on the other hand, is questioned on his craziness because no 'who' in Whoville believes that an elephant is holding their world and that they just a tiny little speck!

But Horton and the mayor have great trust in each other and both their intentions direct towards one goal, saving Whoville from any impending danger.

An evil kangaroo, who does not want anybody questioning the current beliefs and fearing that the jungle mates may think beyond the possible, plans to destroy the speck but Horton diligently goes on to save the tiny little Whoville, because he believes no matter how small one may be, a person is a person!

Astounding sound effects and animation and an extremely thrilling climax.

Dr. Seuss' Horton Hears A Who: The movie is a must watch for kids and adults alike.

A sudden spalsh of bright hues in my dull life...

My A has got a final admit call for the PGPM course at MDI Gurgaon!

Only I know how much he worked and slogged towards scoring high in CAT and putting up his best for the interviews...though I still feel he deserves an IIM...sigh! we have to wait a tad longer till they finally come out with the results...

The fruit of sweat is sweet...very sweet...

I'm on cloud 9 now... for 3 primary reasons...A is going to start a new and exciting journey in his life...I'm going to be visiting the 'whoa' campus...and we're getting closer to living our dreams...

It's too difficult...

The more I want to believe I live in a mad world, the more I get upset about things that happen and some that don't (mostly things that don't happen)...
it's just to difficult to 'survive' here...literally...
seems like I'm the only one laughing...
but it appears that I'm the only one who is not happy...

Non-vegetarian Indulgence 4

indiJoe (City Center Mall, Banjara Hills, Hyderabad)

When hunger struck, we had to find ourselves in City Center. Too lazy to go elsewhere, we decided to eat at some restaurant there. Oh, and there it was, right on top of our heads, indiJoe's calling out to us. If you must know, most times, we do not decide which restaurant we want to dine in, but just head wherever we trust, A will not have to compromise on non-veg. So, yesterday we go sports gear shopping and end up eating at a plush hotel and of course, we are not dressed appropriately. (Err, I speak for myself. A is always dressed to kill!)

We were seated promptly (well, it was Wednesday, so the place was remotely crowded.) The ambiance was very chic with good lighting and music. The menu had many options to choose from (Continental, Mexican, Italian) but A and I decided to stick to sizzlers, though somewhere in my hungry mind I wanted to have good pasta (sigh.) Well, I ended up ordering a Satellite Chicken sizzler (Rs. 235) and A asked for a Fish Shashlik (Grilled pomfret Rs. 285)

We were asked to permit them with a 15-20 min food preparation time, so we do not get disappointed. I did not take my camera along, so I had to take these pics with A's phone.

The sizzler came in 15 min and I was coughing incessantly because the smoke just swooped into my nostrils. Anyways, good part was the sizzler was yummy. And A had his sizzler served with rice, (us south-Indians!!) no qualms there. Both of us thought the sizzler was too hot to handle and some of the veggies burnt my tongue. But, it's meant to be that way. I couldn't finish mine, way too much chicken. But, trust me anyone with a really good appetite will find the quantity just right.

I had to cool my burnt tongue, that remains so even now, with some ice-cream. After thoroughly glancing through the variety of cakes and ice-creams and chocolate fondue, I decided to try an ice-cream dish that had a 'jingle' name 'Ring-a-ding-a-ling' (Chocolate and vanilla ice-cream scoops layered on sponge cake and drenched in hot chocolate fudge topped with lots of cream and chocolate shavings Rs. 110, pretty elaborate) Of course, I couldn't finish this one too, but as always, A came to my rescue.

Service prompt and professional, bill cleared with ease and taste still lingering on.

Pockets lighter and tummy full, we called it a night.

Average meal for two: 700+ taxes

P.S: If you're going to try out lobsters and prawns, beef for sizzlers, that'd cost you 425+ per person.

Non-Vegetarian Indulgence 3

The Square (Novotel & HICC Complex,
Near Hitec City
P.O. Bag 1101,
Cyberabad Post Office,
Hyderabad 500081, India.
Ph No: +91 40 6682 4422; Fax: +91 40 6684 4422
email : f&b@novotelhyderabad.com)




Secluded and standing tall, far from the city rustle and amidst nature and a small lake, is Novotel. The place that was willing to serve two hungry souls (one celebrating her b'day) at midnight.

That's right, they have an amazing buffet spread that you can gobble up anytime between 11:30 PM to 2:00 AM. Because, hunger knows not what time is.

Oh no, don't get me wrong. They serve food at other times too, it's just that we happened to land there at midnight.

What they laid out for us:

4 vegetarian salads
4 non-vegetarian salads
non-veg platters (Pork salami,smoked sea murrel, chicken terrine)
varieties of cheese
Soups (veg & non-veg)
combination of Indian, western and oriental cuisine
Live Indian, western and oriental counters and chef stations (risotto with chicken, prawns, asparagus, green peas and sun dried tomatoes; crepes with chicken)
Grill (pan friend pepper fish, chicken oriental BBQ, Grilled chicken breast)
Desserts (Too many options!!)

Service:

With a pleasing smile. Very professional and neat.

Price:

Rs. 650 + taxes ( 8:00 PM to 11:00 PM) per person
Rs. 444 + taxes (11:30 PM to 2:00 AM) per person

Experience:

Priceless

Non-Vegetarian Indulgence 2

Barbeque Nation (6-3-249/5/1, ANR Centre
Ground Floor, Road No. 1
Banjara Hills, Hyd - 34
Phone : +91 40 6456 6692 / 93)

Located bang opposite to City Center, this place though well designed with chimneys has a smoky feel. You are greeted by a well dressed man who takes down your name and phone number and thanks to the growing number of people doting on barbeques for nourishment, politely asks you to wait outside on a comfy couch for a good seating. But, this happens on a weekend, typically. On weekdays, you get a good seating immediately.

The minute you're at a table there's a whole lot of excitement and excited men running around you asking if you want a complimentary beer/fruit drink, non-veg/veg barbeque and then go ahead setting the grill, on your table. Breathe. Ask for the non-veg barbeque and see a wonderful grill smoking up some good chicken, prawns, fish, cottage cheese, vegetables. And, ask for no more. All this just for starters. The best part is, they keep replacing the skewers as and when you empty it onto your plate. You can keep indulging in gluttony and they wouldn't mind.

Take a break and you realize there's an amazing buffet spread laid out, just for your inflated tummy. Now, you need to posses super powers to get to the buffet spread after all that stuffing and actually take more food. But, of course you don't have super powers.

If you still decide to 'Sin,' there's some very good stuff that they lay out. Salads, biriyani, good crab, north and south indian cuisine, Italian, and a whole lot of yummy desserts.

Service: Extremely polite and friendly.

Overall an excellent place to dine in with your family, colleagues and friends.

And all this for 275 (Lunch Buffet) or 450 (Dinner Buffet) per person.

For once, it is perfectly ok to settle with starters only!

Go with a huge appetite and indulge, they serve the world on a grill!

Non-Vegetarian Indulgence 1

Our Place ( 8-2-602/E Charan Pahadi
Road No.10,Banjara Hills
Hyderabad-34)

This place may be a little difficult to locate but once you get there the ambiance will soothe your tired senses. The theme is outdoors and perfect for any occasion. There is good music playing then there's plenty of cottage-turned seating houses with dim lights and some lush flora that adds to the aesthetic look. The menu is elaborate with good options for soups and starters. I must say the 'Jhangiri Shorba' (thin mutton soup) was a very good decision. Some of the fish starters were excellent. I decided to only stick to Indian cuisine. The 'Tawa Rotis' were extremely light and soft but a tad heavy on the pocket (2 very tiny rotis that almost qualify for a puri, for 25 bucks and you can easily gulp down 4 of 'em) . The Murch Makhani (butter chicken gravy) was also a good bet. I must say, if you're a litchee lover like me, the 'litchee with ice-cream' can make you feel gah! They serve just about 5 litchees with one tiny scoop of ice-cream for Rs. 100. (And you cannot make it 1/2 because your partner would get 2 litchees for 50 bucks!)
Service: Very polite and friendly and pretty prompt.

Overall a nice place to spend the night with your family, friends or with that special someone. Indulge in the culinary delight with a generous dash of nature.
Average meal for two: Rs. 750

Across the universe...

The second musical I watched this season after Sweeney Todd (Ugggh!)

This movie made me fall in love with Beatles! So weird, but I was always apprehensive about listening to The Beatles...and now I can't stop listening to them. I envy all those Beatles fans who by now know every song by heart...

I'm not going to write a review on this, you'll find loads of them on the net.

I liked the movie!

Tracks from the movie:

All You Need Is Love

Happiness Is A Warm Gun

I Wanna Hold Your Hand

I Want You (She's So Heavy)

All My Loving

Across The Universe

Strawberry Fields Forever

Let It Be

It Won't Be Long

I've Just Seen A Face

Hold Me Tight

If I Fell

With A Little Help From My Friends

Dear Prudence

Come Together

Because

Flying

While My Guitar Gently Weeps

Why Don't We Do It In The Road

Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds

Oh!Darling

I Am The Walrus

Revolution

Blackbird

Blue Jay Way

Being For he Benefit Of Mr. Kite

Don't Let Me Down

Hey Jude

Helter Skelter

Girl

Something

Look! A sparrow...

Rains...fresh green trees...pleasant sky...oh, and a sparrow. My, where did these birds go? A sparrow is the only bird I can relate to the term, 'little birdie.' It's so tiny and cute and so a typical birdie. I take one careful look and I find so many of them...man, I must be living in one of those places where there's no hustle, no mad rush of vehicles, no tall concrete structures emanating hot air from their ACs...only beautiful trees and butterflies and sparrows!

Here's one, perching on the window grill...so typical of a sparrow...visiting your house gracefully and beautifully...

I'm stuck

I am 'literally' stuck in a state of boredom and monotony. I gape at the sky and realize it's lonely and it's depressing... My vision hazed...my self simply cut-off from things that used to seem bright...they now cease to look good...a monochromatic splash of expressions... the place, the air...everything around me now asks me to halt, take a look and come to terms with the bitter truth that I'm stuck...so stuck with myself and my bag of fickle aspirations...head saturated with hopes gone broken...suppressed in doubt... the dream seems too far away...how far can I stretch my hands?

...else, this monotony will kill my spirit.

iMelt

Very few things make me melt...like this song absolutely does. I love the composition and this is no doubt my favorite song ever. I don't know why but it gives me this weird feeling...like simply closing my eyes and 'feeling it' types...I am just not able to describe the feeling actually...it makes me want to search for something...

Then there are these other weird things that calm me down, like the rain and the smell of wet mud, the color blue, earrings, watches (I'm a material girl!)...and good music and books.

I do not know why started writing this post in the first place...I'm so lost and I'm listening to the song to try and make out what I'm missing out in life...

A Vow, broken...

For 9 years I have been keeping this Vow: no consuming meat throughout lent.

And I've been doing this not because I'm this extremely devout person or anything but more because I did it once and I was scared to break it for fear of being killed or cursed.

But I broke it anyway! Thanks to the food in office I ate fish on the second day of my 40 day schedule of abstinence. I remember my granny telling us cousins it's alright to have fish (but, only if we wanted to, and she would never do it!)...And I never asked why only fish (but why?)

So, I excused myself...and the next day I don know how, I ended up eating mutton!

Spell broken, should I say?

I told my mother this and she said, 'It's ok Mol. He only sees your heart. This is all superficial. Doesn't matter.'

But if my granny came to know, she would say, 'Ente karthavey! Ente kunjuney shemmikaney!' (My God! Please forgive my child!) And he would accept the apologies :)

:D

So then, I'm assuming I am forgiven!

Yaaawn...

That's all!