Naaz's dream...

Dev said bye .. and I murmured ...

when you said good bye I was still in tears. you don't how much I cried. how would you know? I'm your torturer... sometimes love dies silently. may be my love died. may be you think so. but i know nothing without you.
you taught me how to smile.
you taught me how to laugh till i cried.
you always held me tight when i cried.
you always heard me.
your voice always brought me peace. i cant explain. you wont understand.
thank you for whatever you have done for me.
you know - i have never been so happy in my life.
you brought so much joy into my sad life. you dont know. you are my angel.
i wont hear your voice anymore.
it's like someone took away my ears.
i cant hear anything.
im crying now. you wont know.
im your torturer. i killed you.
i did not. but no one believes me.
tell them i did not.
please.
tell me i did not.
you are all i had in my life. i screamed when you didnt come here. i yelled when you didnt say nice things.
i was mad.
but i only came to you.
may be i shouldn't have come so often.
why is this happening?
you wont understand me.
im a killer.
im not.
i want to hear your laugh. its ringing in my ear. but im human.
i will forget.
i dont want to.
please. i want to hear you laugh. again.
forever.
i wont promise that i wont fight again.
but i promise to never provoke you.
i provoked you didnt i?
is a sorry enough?
what should i do?
tell me please. i will do anything. for you.
my world.
come back to me please.
im going mad. i dont want to.
i dont like it.
your voice is dying. slowly. but it is happening.
i dont want it to stop happening.
it shouldn't die.
what will i do?
im ashamed. i'm your killer.
i made you go mad.
i killed you happiness.
im a torturer.
im not. believe me
please.
you wont understand.
i have loved you truly. didnt i?
dont say no...
im not ur killer.
you wont understand.

you're my world. mine.
just mine.

I got up sweating...

Foreign Vs Indian

X: Where are you studying?
Y: Indian school of some course (with much pride).
X: Oh! (sounding yeah-bleh-thoo!)
Y: and you?
X: I'm going to pursue a bleh bloo course at the crappy uni in the crappy state of the crappy country. Foreign degree!

My foot!

On inquiring about future plans for studies, another 'Y' tells me - I'll do a degree only in the foreign land else I'd rather continue working!
I asked her - not looking for options in India?
She says, 'No. Only foreign. I want to go abroad.'
me: Are you saying options are better abroad?
Y: Nah! I wont' even look for options here. India is boring. I'll go abroad.

WTH ya. I feel like slapping such people.

What's with the notion that Indian degrees are useless? I mean, it's ok if people go abroad b'cos course structures are good or exposure is better or even pay is neat - but not when they say Indian degrees are boring or India itself is boring.

When I tell people that I'm pursuing my masters in a college in my city, some of them go, 'why didn't you go abroad?;' you didn't get anywhere else a?;' 'Cha so sad'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and some of them even say, 'her life is so boring. stuck in India!'

and some of these irritating ppl, compare my profile with others saying, 'ah Sheeba went abroad. Smart girl. why didn't this one go?'

meanies! Seriously, who gave them the authority to provide people with certificates? lol!

anyways, not digressing too much. let's get back. Yeah, so some people think it's demeaning to pursue a course in India. Oh, I almost forgot, it's a trend now that if you're rich, you automatically qualify to study abroad. Sigh! So this guy Ank I know, goes to Melbourne 'cos he's rich and nothing else. He's gonna get back to Ahmedabad to assist his dad in their family business, but, ' I want a foreign degree yaar' he says!

may be he can flash the 'Melbourne' tag to his prospective partner. Ya what else can it bring? 'My husband studied in Australia you know?' she can share with her kitty friends! lol!

Sigh man!

Ok people, stop thinking Indian degrees are useless. Some of the best research is done in India. Some of the most brilliant students have the most the prestigious IIM and IIT tags. Some of the most creative ppl come from places like NID.

So you see, it's not where you study, but how you study. And, why be ashamed of India?

Poor India didn't do anything. It's getting enough bolts and stabs from its brother. Why stab it further and label it boring?

Study well all you 'faar-rin' degree holders! :P

Just becos...

I don't have any bloody topic in head - I'll tell you about my past - work life - to be precise.

If you use the internet regularly and if you are a crazy, almost psychotic 'searcher' like me, you'll find my ex-company's logo staring at you on the face - Google to say! Yah, that's where I once worked.

When I entered Google I thought I was mad to join this place b'cos everyone looked like they'd woken up from sleep and just walked in - serious - I'd never imagined that they took the term 'casual' so seriously - if you spot one formally decked guy there, I'll garland you.

When I looked around I noticed food everywhere! EVERYWHERE! On work desks, in the shelves, in the cafe, over laptops, in the refrigerator, every piece of area fit to be a called a 'nook' had food! (Well that explains why gravitational force is harsh on me)

I imagined Google to be quite sober, fingers furiously dancing on keyboards, heads turning around occasionally may be for another sober discussion - it was everything but this!

Google is probably the most liveliest offices one can work in. It has generous splash of colors on walls and floors and chairs, interesting murals, huge resistant balls you have to save yourself from, bean bags in bright yellow, red, green and blue, themed decorated cubicles, exclusive furniture and weirdly fascinating decor and much more.

And the best part is you don't have to work! You just come and enjoy yourself and go! How cool!


Are you mad?! Though, I wish I could say that :P

With all the fun and frolic and blah blah blah, we did have work ;) Of course I chose to not work! that's a totally different story - let's not get to that :P

I met so many people there. I came to hear of and witness some extremely 'yucky' situations people got into, interacted with some warm people, made few friends and as far as I know, I did not make any enemies.

Anyways, there are a lot of good memories attached to this place, but of course, everything can't be rosy. I did have some unpleasant memories and events. It was like someone was weighing me a weighing scale. The needle would fluctuate between 'good times' to 'crappy times' with high oscillation speed.

I came out of it. For good. I must confess that my work experience in terms of the people and the management and the work, has taught me a lot. I use these lessons in my daily life. While studying, while conversing. Google probably is a dream company for many, for me it was just a part of life. I never took it too seriously becos I always knew it was not 'the' place for me. It held a place in my heart but it never conquered me.

Somehow, getting back to college has made me happier. In terms of performance and knowledge.

Happy B'day Google!

Thanks to you, I get my assignments done on time! :)

I love Homer Simpson!

He's just too funny... It's funny I used to find 'The Simpsons' weird when I was young, but I love them now. They're soo funny! My favorite is Homer Simpson (the father and the patriarch of the Simpsons clan)... he is just amazingly dumb and hilarious.

Some laughs:

Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.
-----------------------------

Homer: There's your giraffe, little girl.
Ralph Wiggum: I'm a boy.
Homer: That's the spirit. Never give up.
-----------------------------

Bart: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, not quite a puppet, but man... (laughs, then pauses) So, to answer you question, I don't know.
------------------------------

Homer: What's a wedding? Webster's dictionary describes it as the act of removing weeds from one's garden.
------------------------------

Lisa: Dad, don't you think you're overreacting?
Homer: Don't you think you're *under*reacting?
Lisa: This conversation is over.
Homer: This conversation is *under*.
Lisa: Goodbye.
Homer: *bad*bye
-----------------------------

Homer: Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
-----------------------------

Lisa: I'm an ugmo.
Homer: Now, that's not true. You're cute as a bug's ear.
Lisa: Father's have to say that little stuff.
Homer: Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?
Grandpa: No. You're homely as a mule's butt.
Homer: There. See?
------------------------------

Colors...

I visited Mylapore this evening to learn photography and take random shots - we're learning about color and all that - and my goodness, that place is drenched in color - in view of Navratri celebrations - it's just too amazing and a shame that I cannot describe it in words - sigh - but I can show you some pics - any comments on my photo skills are MOST welcome! :D

Why?

When I know someone I like and love is coming, I keep waiting outside my door - and they never turn up. The minute I get back inside my house - the door bell rings!

WHY??!

Rock On ROCKS!

Watched it with SH at Sathyam Cinemas, today. I was visiting this place after nearly 3 years and boy, was I surprised. The whole place has changed (for good). Even in its not so bright days, Sathyam Cinemas was my 'the' favorite theater. It's become chic now and very much in competition with the other plush cinema houses. Okay, let's Move On to Rock On! :P

(May contain spoilers)

The plot is very simple - the movie starts off with the band 'Magik' performing the hit number 'Socha Hai' live - the band comprises four friends - Adi - Lead vocalist (Farhan Akhtar), Joe - lead guitar (Arjum Rampal), Rob - keys (Luke Kenny) and Killer Drummer a.k.a K.D (Purab Kohli) - the next scene shows their lives 10 years down the line - Adi an investment banker, is married to Sakshi (Prachi Desai) is basically doing well in life but Sakshi is lonely and feels she is living with a stranger, Joe is married to his GF Debbie (Shahana Goswami) and tries to make ends meet by playing his guitar at weddings and clubs, K.D assists his dad with their jewelry business, and Rob works with Anu Malik composing jingles for TV commercials - the four of them though not together as a band are inevitably inclined towards music -

Sakshi finds out about Adi's past, his band et al from his pictures that he has safely kept in the loft - she wants to see the happy Adi again and decides to reunite 'Magik' - K.D and Rob meet Adi at his 'surprise' birthday party organized by Sakshi - Adi is not very happy to meet them - Sakshi and Adi get into a misunderstanding because Sakshi knows Adi is not the same happy guy anymore and he is always keeping her way from his life - Adi admits he is running away from his past - Sakshi goes away from her house - Adi talks to Devika (Koel Purie) about the tiff Sakshi and he had and she tells him that he should probably stop running away from his past -

The past - tid-bits of the band's past are sewn with the picture - the band participates in the Channel [V] Launch Pad that wins them an opportunity to launch a rock album - however they discover that they are going to be 'directed' and their originality will not be showcased - Joe does not want to compromise on the band's originality and hesitates to sign the contract - but since everyone else is willing to make the compromise, he also signs the contract - during the shoot of a song, Joe gets in to an argument with Adi and hits the director and Adi - that marks the end of Magik's magic! - this explains Adi's aloofness and gloom - and the present gets clear!

of broken dreams - aspirations at peak and suddenly - one day - you look back and join the dots - again -

- Adi gets back to his friends - they meet up at their usual garage and sing their songs - Adi requests Sakshi to get back home and when she does she finds 'Magik' reunited and singing songs - this goes on for long - meanwhile Rob is diagnosed with brain tumor and his days are counted- Debbie is unaware that Joe has gotten back with his friends - she finds him a job on a cruise that is leaving on the same day the band is performing one last time for Channel [V] launch pad - Debbie finds out that Joe is planning to participate in the contest and talks to Adi about it - she informs him that Joe will not come and he will concentrate on his job -

climax - very predictable - on the day of the contest Adi tells Rob and K.D that Joe may not come for the contest - along side this they show Joe leaving for the cruise - The band decide to go on stage without Joe - Adi sings the song that Joe once composed - while the taxi is stuck in traffic Joe hears Adi singing - and - yeah! he makes his decision -

'Magik' perform together - for one last time - before Rob leaves forever.

Some excellent music is the backbone of Rock On! - commendable singing by Farhan Akthar - good character portrayal by all the actors - good team effort - the movie really sustained the audience's interest and the tempo was good.

Overall: A rocking movie! Rock On, ROCKS!

a meeting...

I was on my way back home from college. The same road, different people, heavy traffic, pleasant skies, and the usual eagerness to get back home... until that day I met someone. She drove past me and I glanced at her car. I looked away and continued my riding. She braked at the signal and I stopped my bike right behind her car. I couldn't see her face, but her hair style looked familiar. I strained to look into the rear view mirror of the car. I saw her eyes. My mind was starting to frame a picture. Before I could go near her, the signal went green and she moved away. But I kept following her and when she had to take a turn, she looked into her side view mirror and I saw her face. I was waiting for the next signal. But like luck had it's way, all the signals were open. Damn!

I kept riding behind her car and my mind kept speaking to me, 'Why are you following her?' I don't know. There were just two more signals to go before I reached home and I prayed it'd turn red. So it did. She stopped her car and I stopped my bike right next to her.

'Asha Miss' I spoke with hesitation.
'Hepsiba?'
I was overjoyed! She knew my name. She remembered my name.
'How are you ma'am?'
'I'm fine. How are you Hepsiba?'
'I'm good ma'am.'
The signal went green and I let her go. I rode slowly.

Class of 2003 - 'extremely noisy' - biology class - future doctors - 'nobody in this class is responsible' they'd say - Nuclear Physics - magnetism - sums - practicals - Asha miss can you explain transistor again? - Asha miss, I want 2 more marks - Asha miss free period miss, please - Asha miss I lost 10 marks - only 190 in Physics- :'( :'( - Asha miss we'll miss you - we'll miss school- ...

My memories of school came back. I remembered Asha Miss. I remembered Selvam Sir, Ritu Miss, Susan Miss, Mythili Miss, Sudha Miss... I remembered my friends, the fun, the tears...

I stopped beside her in the last signal - 'It's so nice to see you' - we said in unison - a weird silence followed - I hated this awkward silence - I wanted the signal to go green again - I looked away - I knew what was going to happen -

The signal turned green - and she left - and I rode along my way - crying.

As tears flowed down my cheek - I hit me hard that I'll never get back my school days again - ever - It hit me hard that it was better forgotten - it's memories always brought back tears - of joys - of things inexplicable -

I wish time stood still - I wish I was in school forever!

Reading 'The Kite Runner' ...

Liking it so far, extremely good... stayed up till 3:00 AM last night reading, read few more chapters this morning, and I'm forgetting that I have to rush to college in exactly 30 mins!
After I'm done with the book I'll tell you what it's about...

:)

Happy week!

Back to square one!

I remember posting here about how I've never studied in a co-ed institution ever and how it's highly possible that I finally will get to study in a co-ed institution for my post graduation!

Turns out it's never really gonna happen! I'm back to a college filled with 3000 odd girls~! :D

Actually it doesn't surprise me much... it's always been like this...

* When I left college after my under graduation I turned back one last time and told myself, 'I'm never coming back!'

* When I was in school, I'd pass by this college of mine and tell myself, 'come what may, I'll never do my under graduation here!' ...

* When everyone around me was falling in love and bleh bleh, I told myself, 'I'll never fall in love!' :P Rest is history!

* When my dad took us to Hyderabad for a short visit, I told myself, 'I'll never come here!'
And, well, my work pulled me there and I HAD to live there for 2 long years!!

This and much more... like the world is conspiring against me or trying to tell me something... I'm guessing it's trying to tell me, 'yeah, well, nothing is in YOUR hands Hepsiba!'

Oh and when I quit my job, I told myself,' To this place, I shall never return!.'

erhm! Let's wait...

Psst: That picture just shows how tired I am of all the games life is playing on me :P :P

Sunday times...

Oversleeping - wake up call - for the nth time - brush and scrub - oops - bite tongue - no church - big mistake - ask for forgiveness - boil milk - make tea - biscuits - breakfast burp! - wash cup - put cooker on stove - boil water - rice - dal - fry potatoes - beat eggs - omelet - clean dishes - clean room - arrange books - fold clothes - blog - ...

folks out traveling and the maid dumps me!

Why?

My weekends fly away in no time... my week moves at snail's pace! :(

why?

Why?

The traffic signal is almost always red at every junction when I'm in a hurry.

Why?

The unposted letter...

Dear R,

I don't know if I will ever post this letter to you. I read your letter again and again. Why did you write this line, 'you were such a nice friend to me. I really really miss you a lot. I love you.' My heart aches to read these lines.

I feel ashamed to say this, but I have not been a good friend. I lied to you. I left you because you told me about that man who harassed you. I left because you loved that man. I left you because my heart cringed on the thought that you had no choice but love that man. The man who knew you even before you were born. The same hands that fed you were now tearing you apart. I left you because I was scared that my worst dream had come true. I read about it in books. I never thought something like that could happen to a girl, a girl so innocent as you. I left because I was getting extremely depressed. I left because after you slept I would stay awake to make sure you wouldn't hurt yourself out of pain. I left because every time I saw your face I felt like crying. I left because I could not collect myself to talk to my parents and tell them I was depressed. I left because I loved you but could not bear the fact that you were going through hell. I left because I started losing my appetite and I felt disgusted thinking about that guy. I left because after you narrated the incident, you became your normal happy self again. You cried like a mad girl but in minutes you were laughing. I left because I was scared you were going to turn mad. I left because you showed me his picture. I left because I saw the smirk on his face and my stomach churned. I left because I was not able to count, concentrate, sleep. I left because sir screamed at me. I left because he mocked at me for being me. I left because his presence was making me tremble. I left because you said I'm your best friend. I left because I knew I wouldn't be able to manage.

I lied to sir that I got an admission for dental science. I still remember that sly smile on his face. I had no other choice. I was trapped. My only hope was this lie. And I couldn't' tell you the truth. I couldn't lie to you. I loved you but I was weak. I am ashamed.

I never became a doctor. I don't know if you are a doctor. I hope you are happy.

I hope you will forgive me like how you forgave that man.

Yours ever

Naaz

The 'why' I have an answer for!

Why did I not do well in the exam today?

Why?

Because, I did NOT study WELL!

:( :( :(

Why?

Why does the phone 'always' ring when I'm away from it?

Why?

in the head...

publicity - propoganda - working definition - advertising - ethical problems - lobbying - press agentry - Black - BBC - Hilton - public opinion - ....

That's the way it goes - in the head...




on the eve of an exam...