Traveling can be fun when you are with friends and when you have no real destination in mind. Just mindless trips. But I hated traveling. And traveling alone was like being subjected to some kind of a punishment. I am mostly not comfortable with large crowds and I always keep imagining I'll end up with a creep beside me. I checked the passenger list chart outside the train compartment. Naaz Zachariah, female 26, B 49. I got into the train and found my seat.
'Lower berth. shucks' I cursed.
I liked upper berths. Gave me some kind of a privacy.
'I'll ask someone to exchange their berth with me.' I thought
I sat by the window, watching families talking to their loved ones in the train.
"Don't stay out too late. Eat well. Don't eat anything spicy. Remember what the doctor told you" a mother was advising her son.
"Call me as soon as you reach" a lover was saying.
"Madam biscuits? Chips? Samosa?" a boy asked.
'No'
"Please madam. Please" he begged
'No. Leave'
He mumbled something till he got chased out of compartment.
''These guys are not suppose to enter the AC compartment'' spoke an elderly person.
The announcement was made. The train was to leave in 10 minutes. A mother and her baby son occupied the opposite berth. I smiled at her. She smiled back but she had tears in her eyes.
I looked out to see who had come to send her off and saw an elderly couple waving goodbye, tears welling in their eyes.
'Parents?' I wanted to ask. But left it at that. Let her cry, I thought. Crying helps.
I remembered the day Dev walked away.
****
'Bhargavi what do I do man? I just hurt him.'
"why did you throw the straw?"
'I don't know. You know how I am. I don't share such things with people.'
"You know Naaz. That minute he was with you, he was not 'people,' he was yours."
'No I don't get it.'
"You won't Naaz. He tried to come closer to you. And you just pushed him away."
'See I like him. I liked him the first instance I saw him. But this is the second time I'm meeting him. I can't share the same straw or spoon or anything.'
"Ok leave it. Let's find him. And you say sorry."
'Yes I will. I feel awful.'
We looked for him everywhere. But in vain. And who are we to blame? You can't find an elephant in that mad crowd.
I didn't speak a word throughout. I just kept thinking about that one moment he tried to get closer to me. And that poor guy only attempted to share a drink with me.
But to me it would have meant the weirdest thing in the world. May be I didn't deserve to be loved.
"Naaz let's go check if he is in his room."
'Ok'
I'm a fool. I'm a fool. It was after all a bloody drink. It was not a kiss or anything.
"Erhmm, is Dev Mathew available?"
"You are?"
"His friend. Friends. Bhargavi and Naaz."
"Extension number?"
"What?"
"Whats his extension number?"
"I don't know."
"I'm sorry I can't help you."
"Please sir. He studies in Vincent De Paul. He is staying here just for 2 days. He may be leaving today."
"Oh then he might have left. Theiryala. (Don't know)"
"Sir please check the register and see if he is still here."
"Seri seri. (OK OK)"
He ran his fingers across pages and rested them on one name. The person I fell in love with at first sight.
"Dev Mathew. He has just left."
My heart sank. I cried. I don't know why.
"Did he do something to you? Why are you crying?" the security guard asked.
Bhargavi pulled me away.
"Naaz. Stop crying. You can't cry like this. Come let's go. We'll find a way."
'I feel miserable Bhargavi. I hurt him.'
"No you didn't. People don't leave for such things. May be his bus was about to leave. Be positive. Come let's get back home."
I kept crying on my way back home. I kept thinking about his face. His smile. The connect. Everything. I thought about my life without his smile. It was like a dream. Dev was my dream come true. But I had ruined my dream.
I ran up to my room as soon as I reached home and Bhargavi left me alone.
She told me, "Crying helps. Cry it out. But call me as soon as you are done."
****
'My name is Naaz. Your son is very adorable. What's his name?' I asked the lady as the train slowly pulled off.
"I'm Arpita. This is Arpan. He is 6 months old."
'Arpan is very handsome. He'll grow to attract pretty women' I laughed.
She laughed away her tears.
I looked away into the dark space outside the window. The station lights far away now seemed like a tiny little spot.
"Daughter, is this your berth?" asked an elderly woman.
'Yes it is aunty' I replied.
"Will it be ok if my husband would exchange his ticket with you? He'd prefer a lower berth. His is an upper berth. Broken back."
'There's no need to explain Aunty. I can understand. He can sit here. I'll take his place.'
"Thank you very much daughter."
'Please don't mention it aunty.'
I exchanged my ticket with the old gentleman who also did not fail to thank me and took my luggage.
'Bye Arpan.' I waved at the little baby.
His mother took his hands and made him wave back at me.
'So cute' I thought.
I found my seat. But I also found 2 handsome guys sitting alongside.
I was hesitant initially, but it was too late now. I sat down.
I told myself I'd never indulge in a conversation.
To my surprise, they took no notice of my very presence. They kept yapping away discussing things which made no sense to me.
'Good. I can read a book' I thought
I took out a book I had kept reserved for train travels. Ulysses.
"Hey is this book good?" someone asked
I knew it was one of the two. I pretended to not hear and continued reading.
"Hey you, kannadi (spectacled one)" they giggled.
'What?' I almost yelled.
"Sorry. We used humor to distract you."
'I'm sorry, was that a joke? Because I didn't find it funny.'
Don't fight. Don't fight.
"Erhm, so is the book any good."
'May be.'
"Ok. I'm Pradeep."
'I'm not interested.'
"Nice name there."
'OMG even this is not funny.'
"No one said its a joke." They laughed.
'Fine. what do you want?'
"Nothing. Just thought you'd be interested in talking."
'Apparently, I'm not.'
"Chal yaar, chodd na. Bechari bahut akeli hogi." (Leave it friend, she must be lonely.)
Ya they think I can't follow Hindi. Let them ramble on.
"Sundar hai yaar. Socha tha impress kar loonga." (She is pretty. thought I could impress her.)
That's it. I'm not holding it any longer. Before they start describing anything.
'Mujhe bhi Hindi aatha hai' (I can follow Hindi)
They kept quiet for sometime.
"I'm sorry" Pradeep spoke.
'For?'
"For offending you."
'That's ok.'
"Friends?"
'Do I look interested?' I asked
"But why? Let me tell you, I'm not a creep."
'I didn't ask.'
"We're a Vincent De Paul alumni."
those words hit me hard. but I hid my emotions.
'Oh. Good.'
"That's all? You say Good?"
'Yes. I'm from Clare's'
"Ohhhhh!!! Then we are definitely friends."
'So I guess I should get on to my berth. Will read my book in peace.'
"Ok. BTW this is Ajith, my friend from college."
'Hi Ajith. I'll be off now.'
I lay down on my berth and read.
"Dude she said Hi to you" Pradeep spoke.
"Let's not discuss her. I know her." Ajith spoke.
He knew me? I moved closer to the edge.
"How?"
"I told you let's not discuss her."
He looked up to see if I was listening, but with one quick move I moved my head back into place.
How does he know me? This is killing me now.
I don't remember when I fell asleep. My book was lying on Pradeep's lap.
What's my book doing there? I asked him firmly.
I started imagining he'd have flicked it from me when I was asleep.
'You creep. Give it back.' I yelled
"Relax Naaz. It fell down yesterday."
OMG he knew my name. I didn't want to get down. I looked for the other guy, Ajith. He was nowhere in sight.
I got down slowly and took my book away. I didn't look at Pradeep.
"Hi there" Ajith spoke.
'Listen, how the hell do you know me? Tell me?' I yelled
"Relax."
'No. Sorry. You tell me.'
"I have never met you in person. But I have seen your pic."
'My pic? where?'
In my brother's room.
'Your brother?'
"Tea?"
'No. Your brother?'
"Pradeep, pass me some cookies will ya?"
"Sure dude. Here."
Ajith was lying. I knew. I didn't ask him anything else. I was not desperate. And even if I was, I was not going to show it out to him. The creep.
After 30 long minutes, I was to get down. I took my luggage out and walked away. I didn't say a word to those creeps. I stood near the door praying I'd never see them again.
I got down and walked without placing one glance behind.
"Naaz... wait." someone yelled.
It must be that creep.
I continued walking.
"Naaz..."
I turned back and saw Ajith running towards me.
Gosh, he must be running to tell me something stupid. I hoped he'd slip and fall.
"Here."
'What is this? A photo?'
"See the photo."
'Yeah bleh.'
What I saw didn't anger me or bring shock...
What I saw made me feel weird...
It was my Dev hugging Ajith.
Ajith Mathew, Dev's sibling.
