May be I'm never going to Heaven...

Just after I published my post on an irritating colleague at work, I stumbled upon this beautiful story that inflicted enough pain in my heart.


An old man sold toys in the Baghdad market. Knowing that his sight was not quite perfect, his customers sometimes paid him with fake money.


The old man discovered the ruse, but did not say anything.
In his prayers he asked God to forgive those who cheated him.
“Perhaps they’re short of money and want to buy presents for their children,” he said to himself.


The time passed and the old man died. Standing before the gates of Heaven, he prayed once more:


- Lord! – he said. – I am a sinner. I did many wrong things, I am no better than the false coins I was paid. Forgive me!


At that moment the gates swung open and a Voice was heard:


- Forgive what? How can I judge someone who all through his life never once passed judgment on others?

I have judged. Lot of times. Lot of people.

I'll never go to Heaven.

Plain pain

There is no one in this world who hasn't undergone pain. Pain in its myriad forms - family, education, beliefs, choices... Some of us simply soak ourselves in pain as it comes, living in futile hope, that pain itself will redeem.

Sometimes, pain leads to sweet redemption. Life would be bland without pain.

I've discovered that pain has a lot more on offer than itself. It unfolds life. And the truth. Often, bitter experiences in life is what 'mould' us, into who we are. Our perspective becomes less foggy. I think its pain that motivates us to fight back, and turn us into brave people.

It's a beautiful thing. You've not lived life if you've not experienced pain. Pain is what makes the effort worth it. We've all heard the saying - there's no gain without pain. It's actually true. It is pain that brings us the fruit at the end of all that toil and effort. If there's no pain in what we do, how do we come to senses and the realization that we're actually doing it?

We're humans. And emotions define us. If in pain you smile, you're a winner. If in pain you complain, you've already lost the battle.

Take pain as it comes. And move on.

There's a wall poster in my room that reads - The people who get places are the ones who keep moving.

So true.

I fail.

sometimes I fail to understand the system... on one hand she says, this was designed for all to learn. I want everybody to do this and learn. Out of mistake you learn. And on the other hand she summons 'her' and tells her, "I don't trust others to do a good job, so you do this piece of work. I don't want anybody making a mistake in this regard."

Seriously. I fail to understand.

what do you call that?

when I was in Hyderabad, I'd keep comparing the place with Chennai and crib about hyd not having this-and-that and all that...when I'd talk to someone about Chennai and hyd I'd tell them how much I miss hyd not having a beach... I'd tell them stuff about how much fun it is to go to the beach and walk and play and eat at the beach... I'd laugh at Hussain Sagar lake and tell myself, 'thu, ithu ellam oru water body' (translates into: they call this a water body?)
its been over 6 months since I got back to Chennai, and its shocking how I have never been to the beach once! not even once!
I mean, if I was raving about it so much and if I was an acting ambassador for marina beach, then the first thing I should have done after landing here, was to make a visit to the beach, which I obviously didn't!
for that matter, I don't even go to church these days (I SHOULD BE ASHAMED!)
hmmm... may be it has to do with the fact that I don't have company... or may be that I'm lazy or may be I'm too engrossed with college or may be because I'm not 'that' crazy about the beach after all...
I was probably just trying to create a reason for not liking hyd!

we move on...

whether good or bad... somehow we do move on in life... 'just because' people died in Mumbai we don't quit work and become a social activist... 'just because' all this happened we don't stop watching serials on T.V or stop eating junk or crack jokes or party... yes we lit some candles and 'they' condemned these acts... yawn... sadly enough, all this fire burns out in less than a month... because we move on...

'cos we have to!

even the bereaved family moves on... it probably just takes a little longer for them... I don't know if it is the beauty or tragedy of life... but the truth is we all move on in life, of course sometimes it hurts... may be 'cos the wound is only 'just drying'... I know it's nothing new...

but it does fascinate me... it's like regeneration in certain animals... when we lose some bonds, we do try to create another bond to compensate... consciously or unconsciously...

may be it's a beautiful truth.

Foreign Vs Indian

X: Where are you studying?
Y: Indian school of some course (with much pride).
X: Oh! (sounding yeah-bleh-thoo!)
Y: and you?
X: I'm going to pursue a bleh bloo course at the crappy uni in the crappy state of the crappy country. Foreign degree!

My foot!

On inquiring about future plans for studies, another 'Y' tells me - I'll do a degree only in the foreign land else I'd rather continue working!
I asked her - not looking for options in India?
She says, 'No. Only foreign. I want to go abroad.'
me: Are you saying options are better abroad?
Y: Nah! I wont' even look for options here. India is boring. I'll go abroad.

WTH ya. I feel like slapping such people.

What's with the notion that Indian degrees are useless? I mean, it's ok if people go abroad b'cos course structures are good or exposure is better or even pay is neat - but not when they say Indian degrees are boring or India itself is boring.

When I tell people that I'm pursuing my masters in a college in my city, some of them go, 'why didn't you go abroad?;' you didn't get anywhere else a?;' 'Cha so sad'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and some of them even say, 'her life is so boring. stuck in India!'

and some of these irritating ppl, compare my profile with others saying, 'ah Sheeba went abroad. Smart girl. why didn't this one go?'

meanies! Seriously, who gave them the authority to provide people with certificates? lol!

anyways, not digressing too much. let's get back. Yeah, so some people think it's demeaning to pursue a course in India. Oh, I almost forgot, it's a trend now that if you're rich, you automatically qualify to study abroad. Sigh! So this guy Ank I know, goes to Melbourne 'cos he's rich and nothing else. He's gonna get back to Ahmedabad to assist his dad in their family business, but, ' I want a foreign degree yaar' he says!

may be he can flash the 'Melbourne' tag to his prospective partner. Ya what else can it bring? 'My husband studied in Australia you know?' she can share with her kitty friends! lol!

Sigh man!

Ok people, stop thinking Indian degrees are useless. Some of the best research is done in India. Some of the most brilliant students have the most the prestigious IIM and IIT tags. Some of the most creative ppl come from places like NID.

So you see, it's not where you study, but how you study. And, why be ashamed of India?

Poor India didn't do anything. It's getting enough bolts and stabs from its brother. Why stab it further and label it boring?

Study well all you 'faar-rin' degree holders! :P

Back to square one!

I remember posting here about how I've never studied in a co-ed institution ever and how it's highly possible that I finally will get to study in a co-ed institution for my post graduation!

Turns out it's never really gonna happen! I'm back to a college filled with 3000 odd girls~! :D

Actually it doesn't surprise me much... it's always been like this...

* When I left college after my under graduation I turned back one last time and told myself, 'I'm never coming back!'

* When I was in school, I'd pass by this college of mine and tell myself, 'come what may, I'll never do my under graduation here!' ...

* When everyone around me was falling in love and bleh bleh, I told myself, 'I'll never fall in love!' :P Rest is history!

* When my dad took us to Hyderabad for a short visit, I told myself, 'I'll never come here!'
And, well, my work pulled me there and I HAD to live there for 2 long years!!

This and much more... like the world is conspiring against me or trying to tell me something... I'm guessing it's trying to tell me, 'yeah, well, nothing is in YOUR hands Hepsiba!'

Oh and when I quit my job, I told myself,' To this place, I shall never return!.'

erhm! Let's wait...

Psst: That picture just shows how tired I am of all the games life is playing on me :P :P

The uncertainity called Life!

I pinged my friend and jokingly asked her how she was 'enjoying' work... she didn't reply to my question but just sent me this link.

My first reaction: OMG!

First thought: This could happen to anyone. Anyone!

I was dull after hearing about this because I relate with them through work. Though I have never interacted much I knew they existed. I heard the atmosphere at office is very sad. Friends and colleagues are finding it difficult to come to terms with the incident. Sigh!

Imagine the others in that compartment. Families, children, husbands, wives, grandparents, lovers, friends, colleagues, ... dreams, hopes ... all gone... getting burnt alive... you feel the pain, the killing pain, and yet to live till you are charred... the worst form of death... :(

All these things happen. There's no stopping. Two little innocent children lost their parents (a close family friend) to an accident few months ago. The family, kids, an aunt and the couple were coming back home from a visit to a temple. Their return ended on a disastrous note. The children came back home termed orphans. For no fault of theirs, the kids are lonely today and under the care of known strangers.

At this juncture, all I can think about is the uncertainty that dominates us. To an extent I have given up being a procrastinator. The work I leave behind for tomorrow may never be complete, I probably may not exist tomorrow. I have consciously stopped fighting with A, due an inexplicable fear that rules my heart :(

Life is uncertain. People who smile at us today may not live to see a tomorrow. This is what should make us feel we are under the domination of a power that can destroy and create. We are mere actors in this play called life.

We can't pray for supernatural life saving powers, but we can and should pray for strength that'll help us overcome tribulations and afflictions.

Show me the money and I'll be on my way to do just the same!!!

Where the hell is Matt?

Gosh the world is so beautiful! :)

I keep looking...

I probably have all things I 'really' need... I probably have what I truly deserve and whatever I have is probably the best... I probably don't have to crib about anything... I probably don't have to look worried or probably don't have to bother much... but... yet...

I keep looking for something... as though I've missed something in my life...something that'll complete this emptiness... some sort of a weird emptiness... I don't know what... I don't even understand... but I just keep looking...

there is a part of me that is 'still' lonely... and in that loneliness I search for something...something inexplicable... I wait for that something to happen... something that'll complete the puzzle...why do I feel that until that something happens I will not be in peace...why do I feel that when that something happens I will completely surrender myself to calm... and everything will be alright... but why do I feel this way?

Sometimes I love detachment... from everything... even from myself...sometimes I cease to exist... sometimes I want to understand what I'm looking for...but whatever it is, knows I'm looking for it and keeps moving away from me...like it's sketching a journey for me... I'm not sure if I should follow the path it has etched for me...I'm not sure if this is the journey I should pursue or remain where I am...

there are too many questions and uncertainties but no answers and no means to find the answers...

For now, I'm looking and I'll keep looking... when I find myself... I'll know...