Something happened.

Naaz, what plans for this weekend. Ajith's text read.

I called him back.

"Hey Naaz, what's up?" He sounded cheerful.

'Ajith, I'm going to my native for a few days'

"Oh, what happened? When? For how long?"

'My granny isn't keeping too well. My mum and I are leaving tonight'

"Oops. I'm so sorry. For how long are you away?"

'For a week, I guess.'

"A week??????" 

'Yeah, she's my granny and I love her a lot. That's why a week.'

"I know that."

Brief silence.

"I'll miss you so much, Naaz"

'I'll miss you too, Ajith.' I said softly.

"We will be able to speak over the phone right?"

'I have no clue. May be we can.'

"Alright, you take good care of her. I will pray for her speedy recovery."

'Thanks, Ajith. I'll text you.'

"Sure."

'Bye, Ajith'

"Bye, Naaz"

Something weird just happened right? I thought to myself. We were very good friends, yes. Not lovers. We shouldn't be bothered about being able to talk over the phone or not. 

I packed my bags and left to the station. I couldn't stop thinking of Ajith. 

I helped my mum with her bags as we got into the train. She had the lower berth and I, the upper. I placed my luggage with hers and quickly climbed up to my berth. 

I checked my phone. 

2 unread messages. 

1 message from the bank guys notifying me about my bank statement generation for the month.

1 message from Bhargavi. 

No message from Ajith. 

Bhargavi wrote: Hey Naaz, don't worry. Your granny will be alright. You take good care of her and you also take good care of yourself. Love you. 

Naaz: Thanks di. I will. You take care too. Love you loads. 

I took out my train book, Ulysses. 

But I was in no mood to read. My mind was so occupied with my conversation with Ajith. There was something to the way he said he would miss me and the way I reciprocated. 

I didn't know I should text him. I was extremely restless. 

It was a 14 hour journey to Kerala and those 14 hours were my life's most restless hours. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't read, I couldn't eat anything, I didn't seem to exist. My mum didn't say anything. She was already overwhelmed with my granny's condition. She just touched my hand before going to sleep and kissed me good night. 

All night I kept staring at the phone. In the middle of the night, I got an SMS. 

It was a message from my phone provider telling me that I had now entered Kerala and roaming charges would apply here on. 

We reached Cochin early in the morning. My uncle came to pick us up from the station. All of us were dull and tired that morning. I wasn't looking forward to going to my granny's house because I just couldn't bring myself to think of her as a sick patient and being bed ridden. 

We reached home and all of my aunts, rushed to hug my mum and they all cried. As if it was not enough, they all looked at me with tears flowing down their cheeks. I couldn't cry. But I was sad. 

I walked up to my room and lay down on the bed. I don't know how, but I fell asleep. I slept for 8 hours straight. 

Nobody woke me up for breakfast nor lunch. 

I checked my phone and no message from Ajith. I took a bath and got ready to finally meet my granny. 

As I entered my granny's room, I forgot everything else. I forgot Ajith. I forgot my loneliness. I forgot Dev. Everything. It was just me and my granny from here. 

I sat down next to her and touched her hand. She had shrunk miserably and she couldn't recognize me anymore. I felt her bones as I caressed her. She lay calmly, she was unaware that there were so many in the family, filled with anguish and anxiety over her illness. She slept like a baby. 

When I was young, I would come every summer to live with my grandparents. I loved my summer vacations here because my grandparents looked after us with so much love and care. I once fell very ill while on my vacation and I remember my grandparents would stay up all night beside me, holding my hand and crying and praying that I become alright soon. My grandad passed away many years ago and my granny was inconsolable ever since. They loved each other a lot. That's what I admired in my grandparents. They loved each other through thick and thin and old age and sickness and everything that came their way. She was lonely after he left and she ceased to exist. She loved us, but she was no more my old granny. Part of her died when my grandad left. 

I took her hands in mine and kissed her hands. The same hands that took care of me, cooked for me, braided my hair. My mother sat next to me and cried. I think she knew something and couldn't come to terms with it. 

All of us were going through a rough time.

My phone beeped. 

I miss you, Naaz.

I kept reading that message like it had all my life's answers in it. Like it was my very purpose of life. Like it was all I had ever dreamed of. 

After Dev left, I was filled will loneliness. I was depressed and sad. And now somebody else was filling that void. And I liked it. 

I miss you too, Ajith. 

I meant it. I was really missing Ajith. He made me happy. The happiness I thought I'd never be able to experience in my life. 

Naaz, what is wrong with us? His text read.

I wish I knew. I responded. 

It hurts. Because you are my best friend. And it shouldn't hurt so much. But it hurts.

I didn't respond.

And then the saddest cry filled the room. My mother was shrieking. She wailed. She fell down. Everybody around me, fell to the ground as if great doom had set upon them. 

My granny passed away. She was waiting to see my mother. She died in the presence of all her children. She was calm. She just passed away. 

I love you, Naaz. I am sorry if this is wrong. But I love you. 

I cried. 

New Friendship. New beginnings. New joys!

After Ajith came into my life, I started living again. In one sense, his friendship completed my loneliness and mine, his. 

We went out for movies in the weekends, ate out whenever possible and did a lot of shopping together. 

Ajith always cracked funny jokes, and I would take the liberty to laugh out loud in his presence. He didn't mind. I didn't either. 

We were two carefree individuals, totally enjoying each other's company. 

Ajith wouldn't miss any opportunity to flirt with other girls and I'd laugh so much after he'd be let down by all those girls.  Yet he never gave up.

"Find a good girl for me no, Naaz" he'd ask me with his puppy eyes.

'Do I look a broker to you, you idiot' I'd laugh back

"Good friends will do that much at least na..."

'Well then this good friend of yours, will shed blood and sweat to find a beautiful girl, but I may die in the process and you'd still be single' 

"Heyyy... Hello Naaz! You just wait till I find a beautiful girl and introduce her to you. You will be all jealous and all"

'Ya right, in your dreams, I will be jealous. Listen, Ajith, honestly, if you did find a girl for yourself, I'd be really happy for you!'

"Hmm... yeah, you mean it" he smiled at me.

I smiled back. 

It felt good. I had a friend. A guy friend. 

Lunch with Ajith - Part 2

"Where is Dev, Naaz?" Ajith asked me. 
I didn't know how to respond to that question. 
"I don't know, Ajith" I replied slowly.

Both of us ate in silence for the rest of the afternoon. 
"Naaz?" Ajith spoke, after what seemed like eons to me. Sometimes silence can be so brutal. 
"The food here is good" I replied.
"Yeah, I told you so." He spoke and smiled at me. "How about some desserts?"
"hmmm... sure, I'd like some"

Ajith ordered cheesecake for both of us. We ate, paid the bill and left the place.

"Why don't we walk" Ajith asked me.
Though I was is no mood, I didn't have anything on my agenda and nodded yes. 

It was 4 in the afternoon, cars and bikers were zooming past us as we walked down the streets of Adyar. We didn't speak to each other. But we kept exchanging glances at each other throughout the walk. 

Every time I looked at Ajith, he'd look at me. Every time he looked at me, I'd look at him.

It was so weird. And uneasy at the same time. 

And every time we looked at each other, we'd just look into each other's eyes and then look down at the road again. Like as if our eyes spoke to each other. 

My mind was playing games with me. I was walking with Ajith, someone I didn't like and didn't want to be associated with, and I was feeling a sense of joy inside. My heart was actually happy. My mind was at peace. 

What was happening to me? 

I looked at Ajith one more time. This time, Ajith did not look like Dev's brother to me. He just looked like Ajith. My new buddy. 

Lunch with Ajith

"Hey Naaz, how have you been? Possible to meet you sometime? Let me know" Ajith texted me
I messaged him back.
'Sure, Ajith. Let me know when and where.'
"Lunch, today?" He replied quickly
'Okay, let me know where and I'll be there' I replied back

I had been ignoring Ajith for a long time and thought it was unfair. Even if I did continue to ignore me, he wouldn't stop texting me or keeping in touch with me.
One lunch wouldn't hurt. I thought.

"Let's go to Pesto. 1:30 pm" he replied
'Sure, I'll meet you there.

Ajith was Dev's younger sibling. Basically, Ajith and I were of the same age. But somehow, he always appeared to be less mature than me. Or may be I was too mature for my age. I found Ajith's attitude very casual. He simply cracked jokes, texted me incessantly, spoke too fast. I didn't find him attractive, didn't thinik he was funny and sometimes I thought he was slightly cracked.
Let me see how he eats. I thought

I took a rickshaw to the restaurant. These rickshaw guys drive me crazy all the time. It's almost like they know I hate them and they gladly reciprocate the hatred towards me.
Pesto was like a 9 km drive from where I lived and the rickshaw charged me 180 bucks. I didn't complain because I wanted to keep my mind free from all negative energy. I wanted to think.

****
"Anna, we need to get to Adyar" Dev spoke to the rickshaw guy
"200 rupees" he demanded
"200? 200? Why are you asking for 200 anna? Adyar is just 20 minutes away" Dev rebutted
"So?" screamed the rickshaw guy "I have to take so many U-turns, there are so many diversions, plus this is peak time. Come for 200 or go"
"Ya, we'll go" proclaimed, Dev. "Let's walk, Naaz"
All the while, I was hoping Dev would just say yes to the rickshaw guy. I didn't want to walk.
'Erhm, let's look for another auto na, Dev' I sweetly told him
"No, all of them are like this. Besides, walking is good for us. The weather is not so bad" he assured me

I looked up at the sky and I almost went blind. The sun was out in full glory and as if smirking at me, it tickled my eyes. I surrendered to Dev and the Sun.

"These auto guys are notorious." Dev continued
'Yeah, Dev. They are. Let them be. Why don't be take the bus?" I asked in futile hopes
"Naaz! Let's walk and let's talk"
'Ok, but I don't talk when I walk.'
"Why not?"
'Because that's how I'm trained.'
"Trained?"
'Yeah. In the gym. I walk on the treadmill and I'm not supposed to talk.'
"Ha ha ha Naaz. Man, you are such a lazy girl."
I blushed in embarrassment
"Man, we're going to be really hungry after this walk."
'I hope it rains.'
"That would be awesome. Let's hope so!"
We walked some distance and I was already feeling exhausted.
'Dev, what are your plans in life?'
"Hmmm, I haven't given it much thought, Naaz. Why do you ask?"
'I just like to know what people's aspirations are like.'
"Really? What's yours?"
'I don't know.'
"Are you looking for an inspiration? ha ha ha"
'No. Not like that. I'm happy now and that's all that matter for the moment.'
"Good, good. I may be going abroad for my post graduation."
'Oh.'
I didn't say anything. Dev was 2 years senior to me. He had one year to go and then he would fly away. Just like that.
"What? That's your reaction? Oh?"
'What do you want me to say then?'
"All the best?"
'All the best, Dev' I smiled
"You're not happy, are you?"
'Of course I'm happy for you Dev'
"Then why do you sound dull?"
'Nothing.'
"Tell me"
'Nothing'
"No, tell me"
'I will miss you'
"ha ha ha. That's all? and you're upset?"
'Ok, I won't miss you. But don't be so mean.'
"Why will you miss me. Come with me"
'WHAT?'
"You also come to do your PG abroad"
My heart skipped a million beats. Just imagining being in the same place with Dev was killing me in joy. Such a weird feeling love is. I was crazy about Dev and I think he knew.
'Let's see, Dev.'
"Ok, Naaz." He smiled
'Ok, Dev' I mocked him
 We both laughed.

****
"Madam, this is the place no?" The autorickshaw guy spoke
'Ah, yes. Thanks.' I got down and noticed Ajith was waiting for me
"Hey Naaz! Good to see" He extended his hands
'Good to see you too, Ajith' I shook his hands
"Our table is ready. Let's go."
We sat down and the waiter brought the menu cards. Ajith ordered for a bottle of water and he let me read the menu in peace. I took my own time to understand what was on the card.

"I really like this place, Naaz" he interrupted
'Do you come here often?' I asked him
"I've come here with my office colleagues. The food is really good."
'Oh alright.' I placed the menu card on the table
"So, what will you have?"
'Since you've already been here, I thought I should let you decide. I am good with anything.'
"Wow. That's quite a task." He sighed
He ordered a Basil Tortellini soup to being with.
"Thanks for coming, Naaz. I had my doubts. You hardly reply to my texts."
'I know. I just don't text that much.'
"How's work?"
'Not bad. But I'm in no mood to discuss it'
"I understand. ha ha"
He laughed just like Dev. I ignored it.
A little baby girl in the adjacent table was seated on her baby seat and was playing with her food.  She looked up at me and smiled. I smiled back and made funny faces at her. She laughed and clapped her hands.
"Hey, she seems to like you" Ajith spoke
'I'm good with kids. I can easily make funny faces'
"It's cute"
'Huh?'
"The baby"
'Hmmm, yeah' I ignored his last comment
"Let me see if I can solve this puzzle" Ajith announced as he got busy with finishing the puzzle on our table mats
For the first time, I took a good look at Ajith. I had seen him a couple of times, but I never took the trouble to notice how he looked, his features, his hair, nothing. It was none of my business.
He was tall, very tall, lean and dark. He had a weird smile. When he smiled, his teeth on his right extreme would jut out. It was cute but weird cute. He had a rather long nose. He had thick black hair and sported a french beard. One cannot miss his great sense of dressing. I should say, he was dressed to kill.
"Ah, done' He looked up
I quickly looked away, as if I was never looking at him in the first place.
'Oh, good good.' I congratulated him
The waiter brought our soup. It was steaming hot and I was getting hunry.
I ate my soup silently.
When I looked up, Ajith was looking at me.


"Where is Dev, Naaz?" He asked me.

That's when I knew, all this while, Ajith didn't want to tell me anything about Dev.
He wanted to know something about Dev.

Ajith and Naaz meet

Saturday, 10:00 AM and I was wide awake. A time when I'm usually in bed, sleeping like a log. In fact, there are times, my mum has thought I was dead. I sleep like that.
I was up since 6:00 in the morning, wondering why Ajith wanted to meet me.
I wore my faded blue jeans and a white shirt. Tied my hair into a ponytail and looked myself in the mirror. I looked miserable but I didn't care. I wasn't particularly interested in meeting Ajith. I was rather skeptical about him bringing Dev into our conversation. I closed the door behind me, prepared for whatever was waiting for me outside.
Why on earth would anybody want to meet at Topaz? I thought.
Topaz was a new hangout for hookah enthusiasts and for solitary readers. It was old house, renovated to give a vintage feel to the ambiance. Complete with creepers, rustic fans and swings, the place was a steal away from the buzz of the city. But it is an expensive affair nonetheless, to sip a coffee in there, one'll have to shell out Rs. 115. Gasp. I can buy myself a whole meal with that money.
I walked into the garden and seated myself on the swing. It creaked when I sat on it.
'Doesn't matter.' I thought to myself and continued swinging.
My phone beeped.
Hi Naaz... I'll be there in ten mins. Just on my way. 
I did not reply. Let him come.
The waiter came in and asked me if I wanted something. I asked him to hold on.
Just then Ajith greeted me.
'I thought you said ten mins' I exclaimed, not expecting him to walk in like that.
"Yeah... well, I wanted to surprise you"
'What's there to surprise in this' I was irritated.
"Ok. It backfired. So, how long have you been waiting here Naaz?"
'10 mins may be...'
"Sorry to have kept you waiting..."
'That's OK.' I cut him short. Honestly, I was not in a very chatty mood that morning. My mind was occupied by Dev.
Ajith sat down next to me on the swing. It creaked even louder.
I got up and walked up to the next table that was free. I couldn't risk getting embarrassed. Ajith joined me shortly.
"Guess, these swings are not meant for two people."
'Yeah, may be they are meant for pigeons'
He laughed like he had never laughed in his life. Like a maniac. Now he was beginning to irritate me more.
'Ajith, I'll be honest with you. I want to know why you wanted to meet me. Please tell me before I lose my patience.'
"Naaz. I have been texting you everyday, hoping you'd reply. You seldom do. I just wanted to meet you in person."
'That's all?'
"Are you expecting me to say something?"
'Huh?'
"Coffee?"
'Ok.' I looked away.
He waved at the waiter and ordered two coffees.
"How's work?"
'What do you do Ajith?' I asked him curtly.
"Wow! Well, I'm an engineer. I work with L&T."
'Oh...' I sighed
"Sad life I know"
'I never said that'
"The sigh speaks volumes"
'What do you do on weekends?'
"Nothing much, I catch up with friends. It's at the movies mostly. What about you?"
'What's taking the coffee so long?'
"Naaz, I know. Here see this."
He stretched out a small piece of paper towards me.
I looked at him and then the paper and then again at him.
'What's that?' I asked him rather suspiciously.
"A love letter?" He smirked
'WHAT?' I squealed.
"No. Relax! Goodness, you freaked me out"
'What the hell is that Ajith?' I was now irritated to the utmost core that I wanted to tear him into pieces.
"I want you to tell me that Naaz."

I simply stared at him. The coffee arrived. The waiter placed it on the table and left to attend to other hungry souls. Hardly any at that time. I took a sip and got up.


"I found this in Dev's desk. It's a song." He handed the piece of paper to me.
I took a look at it. Folded it and tucked it away.
"May be it's for you"
My eyes welled up.
"Naaz..." Ajith called for me.
I heard him but I was already gone. I was no longer there. I just wanted to read that song.

The song that my Dev had written for me.

Happy Meeting

"Naaz, Naaz, Naaz" Dev kept chanting over the phone

'Yes, Dev. What do you want?' I asked him slowly.

"Your name. It has a beautiful sound to it." 

I was blushing on the other end, but didn't want to accept it.

'Please Dev, I don't like it when people make fun of my name'

"I WAS NOT making fun of your name, Naaz! Why would you think that?" He asked concerned

I was smiling here, Dev didn't know.

'I'm kidding. And thanks. So what plans for today?'

"You tell me" he asked me lovingly

Over here, I was flying over the clouds. Dev asking me what my plans were. Such bliss.

'Let's go to the beach?'

"Done. I'll pick you up at 4:00 pm"

'No, I'll come on my own. See you.'

I was feeling exceptionally weird today. Something in our tone had changed. Were we falling in love? I was already in love with him. In a good way. There were so many questions in my mind. 

I got dressed and went to the beach.  I sat down in the spot we usually haunt and started making a circle around me, like demarcating an area for Dev and me to sit. 

It was 3:55 pm and I looked back to see if Dev was anywhere around. I saw him walking towards me. We were such sincere timekeepers!

Huffing and puffing after walking on the bumpy shore, Dev sat next to me, inside the little circle I had drawn. 

I looked at him and smiled. He smiled back at me. As always, his smile blew me away. 

I looked down at the sand. I realized Dev was still looking at me. 

I slowly tilted my head to look at him and he was staring at me.

'What Dev? Why aren't you saying something?' I broke the awkward silence.

He smirked at me and pulled out a little packet. 

"Here open this."

'What is it?' I asked him

"Open."

It was little white box. Paper box. With a pretty ribbon on it. I untied the ribbon and slowly opened the box. 

'What's this, Dev?' 

"It's been an year already, Naaz!"

'I know!'

"So? Shall we?"

I simply smiled.

'Ok, let's do it together.'

We took out the little chocolate cupcake from the box and shared it together. 

"Happy Friendship day, Naaz. I'm glad we met"

'I'm glad I met you too, Dev.'

Ajith wants to meet Naaz...

I was sitting by my window wondering what my life was coming to. I had a job, I had a super awesome friend, I had a loving family but something was missing from my life.

It was almost 5 years since Dev and I stopped talking. After the cultural event at IIT... I struggled to find him and after 3 months of efforts, I found him. We had no social networking sites then, and I wasn't too much of a Google surfer... but I found him and it was not an entirely pleasant meeting....

****

I was sitting on a wooden bench at St. Vincent De Paul's... I told the security guards, I had come to check out the diploma courses being offered... they believed me and let me in... I was sitting by the chapel and waiting for the Physics class to be dismissed... 'his class gets over at 1:15 and he comes this way' Bharghavi informed me, as told by her friend from the same college...She opted to stay out, to avoid overwhelming him. I liked that. I wanted to meet him alone.

The bell rang and I saw students walking out... My eyes searched for Dev... I spotted him... he was wearing a white shirt and brown khakis... his hair neatly combed, calculating something in his mind.... suddenly everything else became blur... I could only see him.. the gentle wind playing with his soft hair... an occasional dimple.... I lost myself, ONCE AGAIN.... Dev... with whom I fell in love at first sight and every single sight...

'Dev'

"Yeah?" He spoke, and even as he did, my heart skipped a beat.

'Hi!' I spoke softly

"erhmmm...." he mumbled in doubt

Is he pretending? Or did he really forget me?

'Naaz... Remember?'

"Not really" he spoke with confidence

'Oh Ok' I said... and tears started swelling...

'I was waiting to see you Dev and now you say you don't remember me... you know it hurts Dev.. it hurts so bad... forgive me cos I hurt you too... but it was not such a big crime....' I was wailing in silence

I started walking away... I was ashamed of myself... I wanted to kick myself so hard...

"Naaz" that heavenly voice spoke...."Naaz wait...."

I turned back and saw Dev... He was running towards me... a smile on his face... the smile I yearned for...

"So? Madam? Felt like seeing me only now?"

I was started crying loudly now... like an idiot... I was stupid to have thought Dev was serious about having forgotten me... His classmates blinked at him and he assured them that everything was fine... he held me by my arm and pushed me to a corner....

"Stop crying Naaz..." he consoled me

'I'm so sorry Dev... I really am...'

"Sorry for what? I'm sorry for not informing you that I was leaving... I'm so sorry Naaz..."

'No I'm sorry...'

"Ok c'mon... No more sorries! Remember No thanks! No Sorry! between friends.... your philosophy!"

I laughed. And that's when I realized Dev was still holding me. I stopped and looked at him.

'It's hurting me... you are strong....' I spoke trying to ease myself out of his grip.

He roared in laughter. Our hearts were at peace.

"I left behind a note with my number and contact details for you with the security guard. Didn't you get it?"

'WHAT??? NOOOO! I didn't! I will murder him! I really will....'

"We'll ask Bhargavi to do that... cos I don't want you to go to jail..."

'Well, HA HA HA. Good joke Mr. Dev. If that's the case then I might as well murder you too!" Bhargavi spoke.

'Bhargavi!' I squealed in joy.

'You dare sideline me, mister and miss!!!' she demanded.

"Erhmm... I won't. Sorry we won't." Dev assured her.

'I' was slowly becoming 'we' and I felt a sudden sting of pain that I cannot describe... it was a pain that brought with it immense happiness...

****

Dev and I started going out, though not very often and Bhargavi would always tag along. During times when Bhargavi wouldn't make it, we'd go to the beach and play scrabble. We loved playing scrabble together. I always defeated Dev. Though sometimes I felt he let me win.

Dev and I never really fell in love. Though it's not completely true. I fell in love with one the first day. But I don't know what love's definition is. For me it was joy. Peace. And losing myself. We were happy in each other's company. But, one day, even that was gone. After that...my heart was always heavy... like I had lost something really dear...

I had a new friend in my life now, Ajith. Dev's sibling. Weird, but though it feels like I'm so close to getting in touch with Dev again, it still seems far impossible... After our meeting in the train, we exchanged our phone numbers.

I never call him, but Ajith never fails to text me every morning wishing me a great morning. I don't always reply back, but he makes sure I'm reminded of him everyday! Today I was going to meet him at a coffee shop... he wanted to talk...

Since morning I have this numb feeling... the hesitance, the doubts... I had been sitting by my window aimlessly watching birds fly and people walk....thinking what my life was coming to...

What is he going to talk? Is it about Dev? What had Dev told Ajith about me?

The thought was killing me.

When Naaz and Dev met...

Traveling can be fun when you are with friends and when you have no real destination in mind. Just mindless trips. But I hated traveling. And traveling alone was like being subjected to some kind of a punishment. I am mostly not comfortable with large crowds and I always keep imagining I'll end up with a creep beside me. I checked the passenger list chart outside the train compartment. Naaz Zachariah, female 26, B 49. I got into the train and found my seat.
'Lower berth. shucks' I cursed.
I liked upper berths. Gave me some kind of a privacy.
'I'll ask someone to exchange their berth with me.' I thought
I sat by the window, watching families talking to their loved ones in the train.
"Don't stay out too late. Eat well. Don't eat anything spicy. Remember what the doctor told you" a mother was advising her son.
"Call me as soon as you reach" a lover was saying.
"Madam biscuits? Chips? Samosa?" a boy asked.
'No'
"Please madam. Please" he begged
'No. Leave'
He mumbled something till he got chased out of compartment.
''These guys are not suppose to enter the AC compartment'' spoke an elderly person.
The announcement was made. The train was to leave in 10 minutes. A mother and her baby son occupied the opposite berth. I smiled at her. She smiled back but she had tears in her eyes.
I looked out to see who had come to send her off and saw an elderly couple waving goodbye, tears welling in their eyes.
'Parents?' I wanted to ask. But left it at that. Let her cry, I thought. Crying helps.

I remembered the day Dev walked away.

****

'Bhargavi what do I do man? I just hurt him.'
"why did you throw the straw?"
'I don't know. You know how I am. I don't share such things with people.'
"You know Naaz. That minute he was with you, he was not 'people,' he was yours."
'No I don't get it.'
"You won't Naaz. He tried to come closer to you. And you just pushed him away."
'See I like him. I liked him the first instance I saw him. But this is the second time I'm meeting him. I can't share the same straw or spoon or anything.'
"Ok leave it. Let's find him. And you say sorry."
'Yes I will. I feel awful.'

We looked for him everywhere. But in vain. And who are we to blame? You can't find an elephant in that mad crowd.

I didn't speak a word throughout. I just kept thinking about that one moment he tried to get closer to me. And that poor guy only attempted to share a drink with me.
But to me it would have meant the weirdest thing in the world. May be I didn't deserve to be loved.

"Naaz let's go check if he is in his room."
'Ok'
I'm a fool. I'm a fool. It was after all a bloody drink. It was not a kiss or anything.

"Erhmm, is Dev Mathew available?"
"You are?"
"His friend. Friends. Bhargavi and Naaz."
"Extension number?"
"What?"
"Whats his extension number?"
"I don't know."
"I'm sorry I can't help you."
"Please sir. He studies in Vincent De Paul. He is staying here just for 2 days. He may be leaving today."
"Oh then he might have left. Theiryala. (Don't know)"
"Sir please check the register and see if he is still here."
"Seri seri. (OK OK)"
He ran his fingers across pages and rested them on one name. The person I fell in love with at first sight.
"Dev Mathew. He has just left."

My heart sank. I cried. I don't know why.

"Did he do something to you? Why are you crying?" the security guard asked.

Bhargavi pulled me away.
"Naaz. Stop crying. You can't cry like this. Come let's go. We'll find a way."
'I feel miserable Bhargavi. I hurt him.'
"No you didn't. People don't leave for such things. May be his bus was about to leave. Be positive. Come let's get back home."

I kept crying on my way back home. I kept thinking about his face. His smile. The connect. Everything. I thought about my life without his smile. It was like a dream. Dev was my dream come true. But I had ruined my dream.

I ran up to my room as soon as I reached home and Bhargavi left me alone.
She told me, "Crying helps. Cry it out. But call me as soon as you are done."

****

'My name is Naaz. Your son is very adorable. What's his name?' I asked the lady as the train slowly pulled off.
"I'm Arpita. This is Arpan. He is 6 months old."
'Arpan is very handsome. He'll grow to attract pretty women' I laughed.
She laughed away her tears.
I looked away into the dark space outside the window. The station lights far away now seemed like a tiny little spot.
"Daughter, is this your berth?" asked an elderly woman.
'Yes it is aunty' I replied.
"Will it be ok if my husband would exchange his ticket with you? He'd prefer a lower berth. His is an upper berth. Broken back."
'There's no need to explain Aunty. I can understand. He can sit here. I'll take his place.'
"Thank you very much daughter."
'Please don't mention it aunty.'
I exchanged my ticket with the old gentleman who also did not fail to thank me and took my luggage.
'Bye Arpan.' I waved at the little baby.
His mother took his hands and made him wave back at me.
'So cute' I thought.

I found my seat. But I also found 2 handsome guys sitting alongside.
I was hesitant initially, but it was too late now. I sat down.
I told myself I'd never indulge in a conversation.
To my surprise, they took no notice of my very presence. They kept yapping away discussing things which made no sense to me.
'Good. I can read a book' I thought
I took out a book I had kept reserved for train travels. Ulysses.
"Hey is this book good?" someone asked
I knew it was one of the two. I pretended to not hear and continued reading.
"Hey you, kannadi (spectacled one)" they giggled.
'What?' I almost yelled.
"Sorry. We used humor to distract you."
'I'm sorry, was that a joke? Because I didn't find it funny.'
Don't fight. Don't fight.
"Erhm, so is the book any good."
'May be.'
"Ok. I'm Pradeep."
'I'm not interested.'
"Nice name there."
'OMG even this is not funny.'
"No one said its a joke." They laughed.
'Fine. what do you want?'
"Nothing. Just thought you'd be interested in talking."
'Apparently, I'm not.'
"Chal yaar, chodd na. Bechari bahut akeli hogi." (Leave it friend, she must be lonely.)
Ya they think I can't follow Hindi. Let them ramble on.
"Sundar hai yaar. Socha tha impress kar loonga." (She is pretty. thought I could impress her.)
That's it. I'm not holding it any longer. Before they start describing anything.
'Mujhe bhi Hindi aatha hai' (I can follow Hindi)
They kept quiet for sometime.
"I'm sorry" Pradeep spoke.
'For?'
"For offending you."
'That's ok.'
"Friends?"
'Do I look interested?' I asked
"But why? Let me tell you, I'm not a creep."
'I didn't ask.'
"We're a Vincent De Paul alumni."
those words hit me hard. but I hid my emotions.
'Oh. Good.'
"That's all? You say Good?"
'Yes. I'm from Clare's'
"Ohhhhh!!! Then we are definitely friends."
'So I guess I should get on to my berth. Will read my book in peace.'
"Ok. BTW this is Ajith, my friend from college."
'Hi Ajith. I'll be off now.'

I lay down on my berth and read.

"Dude she said Hi to you" Pradeep spoke.
"Let's not discuss her. I know her." Ajith spoke.
He knew me? I moved closer to the edge.
"How?"
"I told you let's not discuss her."
He looked up to see if I was listening, but with one quick move I moved my head back into place.
How does he know me? This is killing me now.

I don't remember when I fell asleep. My book was lying on Pradeep's lap.
What's my book doing there? I asked him firmly.
I started imagining he'd have flicked it from me when I was asleep.
'You creep. Give it back.' I yelled
"Relax Naaz. It fell down yesterday."
OMG he knew my name. I didn't want to get down. I looked for the other guy, Ajith. He was nowhere in sight.
I got down slowly and took my book away. I didn't look at Pradeep.
"Hi there" Ajith spoke.
'Listen, how the hell do you know me? Tell me?' I yelled
"Relax."
'No. Sorry. You tell me.'
"I have never met you in person. But I have seen your pic."
'My pic? where?'
In my brother's room.
'Your brother?'
"Tea?"
'No. Your brother?'
"Pradeep, pass me some cookies will ya?"
"Sure dude. Here."
Ajith was lying. I knew. I didn't ask him anything else. I was not desperate. And even if I was, I was not going to show it out to him. The creep.

After 30 long minutes, I was to get down. I took my luggage out and walked away. I didn't say a word to those creeps. I stood near the door praying I'd never see them again.

I got down and walked without placing one glance behind.

"Naaz... wait." someone yelled.
It must be that creep.
I continued walking.
"Naaz..."
I turned back and saw Ajith running towards me.
Gosh, he must be running to tell me something stupid. I hoped he'd slip and fall.
"Here."
'What is this? A photo?'
"See the photo."
'Yeah bleh.'

What I saw didn't anger me or bring shock...

What I saw made me feel weird...

It was my Dev hugging Ajith.

Ajith Mathew, Dev's sibling.

When Naaz met Dev - Part 3

At least I thought he was smiling. He was still glaring at me.

'Why are you glaring at me?'
"Why shouldn't I?"
'You make me uncomfortable...'
"You made me nervous"
'I did? When?'
"By standing right in front of my eyes"
'It was not intentional plus you were not even looking at me'
"I did it on purpose... whenever I looked at you I felt funny"
'Oh'
"Yes"

"Naaz?"
'Huh?'
"Dev has been trying to tell you something for the past 2 mins, where have you been madam?"
'Huh? what?'
"Are you OK Naaz?"
'Yes yes. Yes I am.'
"Spaced out again?" he asked.
'Yes kinda.'
"How did you like our performance?"
'Oh it was awesome. You play the guitar so well'
"Thank you."

It was so weird. Just sometime back Dev and I were having a conversation. But here he was talking to me as though nothing had happened.

I must be mad. Mental dialoguing. That's normal!

"What say Naaz if we go and grab a bite?"
'I want to watch the rest of the show.'
What the hell did I just say?
"As you wish."
'Owwwwwwwwwwwwww' Bhargavi pinched me hard.
"Just what do you think you're doing? Why don't you go with him?"
People were looking at me and I pretended to enjoy the show. To cover it all up I yelled again, to make people believe I was actually cheering the band.
"What a loser!"
I looked at Dev. He was simply listening to the music and composing mental notes and playing it on his invisible guitar.
'Dev, let's get something to eat.'
"Are you sure?"
'Yes.'
"Come lets go" jumped Bhargavi.
'Why are you coming?'
"I'm sorry is this a date? And I'll get lost here you fool."

We walked in silence. As though Dev had just proposed. And I had just said yes.

WTH. It was food after all. I was going to gorge on it once I saw it. I'd forget his very existence at that moment.

I prayed I don't hog and spoil my reputation.

"Frankie?" He asked
'No I'm dieting.'
"Whoa!" Dev and Bhargavi cried in unison.
'Yah. What's the big deal. I'm trying to lose some weight.'
"Yah right. You do have a fat... ego!" Bhargavi screamed. "Do they have diets for all this?"
GRRRRR
"Ok chill. What do you want to eat Naaz" Dev spoke softly.
'I'll have some juice. Pome'
"I'll get it. Bhargavi get me one chicken tikka frankie please while I get Naaz her drink."
"I'll do that."
She started walking up to the counter but I stopped her.
'I'll get it for him.'
"Oh the Loves!"
'BLAH BLAH.'
One chicken tikka frankie please.

He was frying the thin egg paranthas on the pan. The yummy aroma of onions and chilli and chicken tikka applied on the fried parantha and rolled into the delicacy just made my mouth water.

"Ah Naaz, here's your drink."
'And here's your frankie'
"Thanks a lot!"
'No thank you. We're friends.'
"Oh the philosophy!"
I blushed.

"I've never tried Pome juice ever." Dev spoke.
'Ah you must try. It's good.' I said sipping.
"Ok." and he looked away.
Bhargavi gave me the looks.
What?
Learn to share!
Ohhhh!
Ohhhhhhhhh.
'Erm, do you want a sip?'
"I don't mind." He said and took a sip.

He took a sip. From my straw. The very same straw.

At this point I should have probably felt happy or funny or get that really weird feeling you usually get.
But I did the most silliest and stupidest thing any girl would do, and I had to suffer the consequence of my action for a long time to come.

I threw the straw.

When Naaz met Dev - Part 2

I couldn't sleep that night. I was in no mood to answer Bhargavi's call either.
'3 missed calls' I read
Let that be...
I just couldnt stop thinking about Dev...he was not exceptionally good looking, he didn't have silky black hair or a fair complexion... nothing about him was mind blowing... but he stole my heart
he had the most capturing smile I had ever seen in my life... soft and deep, he had the best dimples in the whole wide world, one on each cheek. It blew me away. I don't remember anything of him except for those little dimples on his cheeks... I got up from my bed and looked at myself in the mirror... and smiled, no dimple...
I put more pressure into my smile... still no signs of a dimple...
I tried harder and harder till my cheeks hurt and my lips turned pale... and I gave up!
sigh, guess you have to be born with it.
my phone sounded just then and with that it fell on the ground.
damn you vibration mode.
'1 new message' it read
Naaz stop thinking about Dev and call me back

'What the hell is it Bhargavi?'
"Yeah you're annoyed that I knew what you were upto."
'Yes precisely. WTH! OK tell me what's up?'
"You wanna go to IIT tomorrow?"
'No' I said but my heart yearned to meet him once again
"Of course you want to. Stop pretending. Let's go tomorrow too. We will rot at home otherwise."
'I'm not sure man'
"OK you think about it. Tomorrow there's going to be a light music event and your dream boy is going on stage. Bye."
'WHAT?!!'
No response
'Hello? Hey I'm coming.... we're going... hey...'
I messaged her back.

I couldnt contain my feelings anymore... the very fact that I was going to see him again drove me crazy... I saw myself smiling again, but again there was no sign of a bloody dimple.

I dont remember when I fell asleep but I woke up at 6. 6 AM! I had never seen day at this time ever in my life before.
"Today there's going to heavy rainfall , thanks to you Naani" my mum spoke with glee.
'sad joke mum. where's dadu?'
"Morning walk. Nathan's gone with him too. Plan on joining them?"
'You think? I'll sit on this swing instead.'
"Lazy butt. Go brush and freshen up."
'ya ya ya. You go na mum. let me be.'
she gave me one knock on the head and walked off.
'Ahhhh... mum... you're such a kid.'
"with you monkeys around... what do you expect me to be?" she spoke as she entered the kitchen
I loved my mum for her child like heart. She always treated me like her friend and I never hid anything from her as though she was my gossip mate of sorts.
"Mr. Zachariah. I think there is going to be heavy rain today. I see the cause sitting right in front of me" spoke Nathan
"I have to agree my son. Your sister has stirred a storm by waking up so early. Are you alright Naani?"
'Dadu you too? Nathan I understand is retarded but you too? che che... what a shame!'
"You dont call me retarded you mother of retard society"
"Ok stop it you both." my dad spoke "tell me child, how did you wake up this early? are you alright?"
'Yes dadu. I am' I spoke hugging my dad who had started resembling a panda bear.
"She must be in love" Nathan spoke hurriedly and gave me a knock on the head.
I was petrified. I had not even started behaving like I was in love and this guy speaks my head.
"If Naani ever falls in love, she'll get him introduced to mum and me first, won't you Naani?"
'Yes dadu. I will.'
"Come let's eat."
"Go wash first. Dirty boys." Mrs. Sarah Zachariah, my mum, ordered.

I was having my last Dosa when Bhargavi entered.
"Come in Bhargavi. Join us for breakfast."
"Thank aunty. I'll just have juice."
'I quickly poured some mango juice into my glass, leaving her very little but just enough.'
"Naaz you freak." Nathan jolted
'I love mango juice ok? Bhargavi knows it too.'
"Yes I do. this will do for me. thanks Naaz" she glared

I got dressed shortly and left to IIT with Bhargavi.

"Only you like mango juice? I like it too. You glutton."
'I don't care man. I love it more than you do. Everybody knows that.'
"How mean"
'tell me one thing...what are your thoughts on love?'
"waste of time and energy and money and friends and"
'OK that's enough.'
"Ok"

May be Bhargavi was right. Falling in love would mean losing your friends, your time, your energy, your concentration... but who is she to talk? She was not in love... how could she testify against it even without experiencing it?

'Erm Bhargavi I didn't bring my ID card today too.'
"No issues. Today IIT is open to all absent minded people like you."
'Ya right.'
"Let's head to the OAT, that's where the show's supposed to happen"
'Begin. Not happen.'
"STOP CORRECTING MY GRAMMAR" she screamed.

I couldn't hear anything for the next 5 mins.

We squeezed ourselves through the crowd and somehow made it to the front row. The MC announced the participating colleges and when she said 'Vincent De Paul' My heart skipped a beat. I was beginning to feel funny. Bhargavi nudged me and winked. I grew pink in tension.
After a long and anxious wait, Vincent De Paul came on stage. I saw him. Again. And I was almost about to faint. Standing right in front was not a good idea after all. He always looked at the last few rows. He was holding his guitar like he was holding a precious little piece of property. I wished I was the guitar.
"Let's wave at him."
'Are you mad?'
But she was already waving at him. Some guy behind Dev smiled back at Bhargavi.
"Yuck! Why is he smiling at me?"
I laughed out loud.
'you guys will look so cute together' I laughed
"enough. your man is staring at you."
My heart stopped beating. I looked at him and yes, he was staring at me.
shucks he thinks I am laughing at him or something.
Oh gosh... ermm... I tried smiling at him... he looked away
I was feeling so uncomfortable, I wanted to run away...
I looked at him again but he was smiling at the crowd behind... like I did not exist in the crowd... his performance was done and as he walked off the stage he did not even turn and look at me once...
'Am I invisible? Or am I ugly?'
"Invisible I'm sure you're not... ugly... hmm may be" Bhargavi joked
with that whatever little tear was beginning to form also vanished...
'OK let's go. I'm not liking it here.'
"You go. I'm here!"
just then some guy pushed me as he made his way through the crowd and stood right in front of me. I recognized the head. The shirt. The physique.
He turned back and smiled.
DEV!

May be Bhargavi was right. Love makes you lose... I lost myself.

when Naaz met Dev

'What's taking you so long man Naaz, you moron?' Bhargavi screamed
"I'm coming... coming... coming..."
I ran down quickly with earrings in one hand, watch in my mouth and floaters in the other hand.
'What the hell are you wearing?'
"Why what's wrong with this Kurti?"
'Can't you wear something called a t-shirt? we're going to a rock concert for goodness sake!'
"I can't 'dress up' to see some stupid guys sing..."
'Stupid guys? What's wrong with you? It's IIT man... stupid guys don't exist there!'
"I don't care. I'm wearing this. It's final!"
'ok whatever. you cant ask a donkey to sing!'
"Yeah, because you can't speak their language"
'OMG I can't even laugh for this poor joke. Ok you want to take the merc or the corolla?'
"Well from what I can make out from a Honda Activa and a Kinetic Honda parked right in front of us, I'll say let's take the Honda Activa!"
'Ok merc is it!'
"Yeah our super merc machaa. Let's go."

The show was to begin at 6 ish. We started from my place at 4 sharp. On a Sunday the roads are usually empty, but knowing Bhargavi's riding skills, we chose to not take a risk.

"Bhargavi do you really like rock?"
'huh you think?'
"then why the hell are we going to IIT?"
'Guys. Hot. cute. Lots of them.'
"OMG. Not again. What's the point man. You'll look at them. No one will look at us."
'Ayee shaadappp' I was interrupted
"Ok they might look at you and then? you'll look. that's it! and then we'll get back home and talk about them. Arre they wont even realize we are exist on this planet!"
'What a waste load on earth you are Naaz. I'll tell you today you'll meet your man.'
"My man is invisible man. Doesn't exist."

We reached IIT at 5:30 PM. the place was jam packed...I'm sure I've never seen so many guys all together in one place ever in my life. It was like I was standing in a Savannah grassland, except the grass were guys. And Bhargavi was right. They were hot and cute.

"IIT rocks" I thought.
'Naaz..?'
"Yes Bhargavi. I like it. Let's go."
'What? stupid girl. we have to show our ID card in order to enter.'
"WHAT? I don't have mine!" I almost screamed.
'OMG Naaz. why do you always do this man?'
"What? I didnt do it on purpose. I tend to forget. I'm human.."
'That I know... oh shucks, we're in a mess man...'
"I'm so sorry man..." I was almost in tears. I didnt even get to see one guy up close.

'Excuse me? Are you planning on standing here forever or will you move?' A strong musk scented guy spoke.
'I'm sorry. Please go ahead.' Bhargavi spoke irritatedly.

But I kept still. I didn't move. I saw him and I knew. Bhargavi rudely pulled me away.
'What a mean guy.' she spoke.
No he's so cute
Anyway that's not the point. How the hell do we get in?'
"I'll ask him..."
'Are you mad? What will you ask him?'

I couldn't hear her anymore... I was walking towards my man.

"I want to go in..." I spoke...
'Yeah so go. Why you telling me that?'
"Huh? I want to go in with you..." I smiled...
'Are you nuts?' he asked me almost shaking me...
"Yikes! why are you staring into my eyes? where is bhargavi?"
'Girl... you need help!'
"Yes... I'm lost!"I smiled again...
'But your friend's right there' he pointed
Bhargavi stood there hitting her head hard against the tree. I was probably in a trance.

"Ok mister... I just spaced out ok? You don't have to act too smart. I don't have my ID card and I also want to watch the show. Ok? Ok? Ok?"
'Ok listen, just walk in with me... I'm a participant here. So I get to stay in campus and I'm allowed to bring in visitors. I'll tell him you're my friend and you can get in. is that fine?'
That is very wonderful my loverly man...
"Yes yes yes... that'd be great... super awesome... OMG... that's so sweet"
'Ok hold on...'
He spoke to the security at the gate and he gestured me to stand next to him. He smelled fresh. I was beginning to lose my self again...
'Dev Mathew' he said..
"Naaz Zachariah" I held out my hand
But he was looking at the security guy. What a fool I was. He was filling in details about himself at the gate.
Dev Mathew I thought...

'Hey...'
Dev Mathew and Naaz Zachariah... Nah, Naaz Dev sounds good... better Naaz Dev Mathew sounds nice... Dev... Dev...
'HEY...'
"huh? Oh I'm sorry... I was.. I was..."
'Not an issue... come on in... let's get inside!'
"Where is Bhargavi?"
'She's coming right behind you.'
"Thank you Dev."
'You're welcome Miss?'
"Naaz. Naaz Zachariah"
'Well it's to meet you Naaz. You're inside IIT. Have fun.'
You're leaving?
Don't leave... Please... please...
'Hmmm I should be going now...'
Noooooooooo.... nahiiiiiiiii...........

'Hey there, thanks a ton for the help.' Bhargavi spoke
'Chill. My pleasure. Take care of your friend.'
I want you to take care of me...
'Yes I will. Hey, which college?'
'Vincent De Paul. and you?'
'Oh we're from St. Clare's'
'Awesome. Hey I should be going now... Gotta practice...'
'Bye Dev.'
'Bye Bhargavi.'
He looked at me sweetly and spoke softly, as though I was a retarded kid...
'Bye Naaz'
but he winked...

No byes for us Dev...

'Let's go now Naaz... we're late!'

I turned back one last time... he was walking away... slowly...and suddenly he turned back too...

this time I winked back!

Book of memories...

I sat down in my veranda. It had been raining, continuously for the past 3 days. No regrets on that, since I'd got a day off. I took the newspaper, shook it for a second, slowly all the hidden leaflets and advertising pamphlets fell on the floor and I kicked them away. Most of them were unattractive works of some boring ad agency. I found the Subway menu leaflet, picked it up quickly and secured it under my stack of books. I thrived on subs on weekends.

As I sipped my tea, I skimmed through the newspaper. After 10 mins I kept it away and picked up a novel from the stack.

Thump.

Next I know, a hard bound book fell on my head. Ouch!

I picked it up and I connected with it immediately. It was my secret diary. I dusted the top. The logo, still intact, read: Diary 1995.



"Naaz take this packet of chocolates and distribute it to your new friends at school."
I don't want to.
"Ah. Your call."

I picked it up anyway, but without her knowledge.

My dad dropped me at St. Ignatius School. I saw the huge school campus through the iron gates. There were too many academic blocks and play areas and girls decked in green and yellow walking all about the place.

'I don't want to go in,' I wished aloud.

"There Naaz! Your new school. Aren't you happy?" my dad asked.
No.
"Naaz? Don't be scared. You deserve to be here. Remember you topped the entrance test. You will do well. Now go in" he assured me.
I looked at him. A tiny drop of tear rolled down my cheeks. But I quickly wiped it away.
"I'll come with you." he said

My father always knew what I was thinking.

We reached the principal's office. Sr. Agnes greeted us and my dad spoke at length about me. She walked up to me and told me, 'Naaz is going to be a bright student and make us all proud.'
My dad smiled and gestured me to acknowledge her good comments.
I smiled at Sr. Agnes. I liked her. She had a very calm face and I was not scared of this school anymore. I held her hand.
My dad waved us good bye and left to work.
Sr. Agnes walked me to my classroom.
As I stood outside 8-C, I was trembling and all shaky. I couldn't look up at my class. Sr. Agnes introduced me to my teacher and my classmates. One glance, and they were all snickering. I was dressed in a red and black frock and I was extremely intimidated by all the others dressed in the school uniform. I wanted to run away. Sr. Agnes smiled at me and left me to the mercy of my class.

I was sweating profusely.

"Go sit there" spoke Ms. Catherine, pointing at the second row from back.
The girl seated on the bench made weird faces but managed to smile at me. Fake.
I had to squeeze my way through to get to sit on that bench. Sandwiched between Rekha and Lavanya, I was feeling sick already.

"When is your birthday Naaz" asked Ms. Catherine.
'November 21, 1995' I spoke timidly
The class was roaring in laughter.
'She's just few hours old man' laughed Rekha.
I didn't' understand first. Later I realized. I was obviously nervous. That's why I blurted out the wrong year. I was embarrassed due to the reaction my class gave. But I was hurt when Ms. Catherine did not stop them and instead joined them in laughing.

Lavanya squeezed my hand and gestured me to sit down. I sat down, crying.
"Don't cry Naaz." she spoke
I looked at her and she was smiling, generously.
"Please don't cry Naaz. Take this."
She offered me a candy. I refused the offer. I stopped crying because Lavanya asked me to.

After 2.5 hours of history, and prose and geography, it was time for lunch. The whole class walked out in gangs. Only Lavanya stayed putt. I stayed back, because I was not comfortable yet. Besides, no one seemed to care to welcome a new friend.

Lavanya offered me her lunch. I noticed she had two slices of bread with strawberry jelly smeared on it.
'Is this enough Lavanya?' I asked
"Should be." She replied.
'I have lunch. Let me take it out.' I told her
"No no don't. You're not supposed to eat here." she said
Then why is she eating here? I wondered
"Only I can eat here."
'Oh.' I spoke quickly.

How rude. I thought she was being nice to me, but she is a bully. She eats here but does not allow me to do the same. No one sits with her because she is such a bully. I am such a fool to have thought she is nice.

I got up and walked up to the black board. I started drawing random figures on it. I'm not having lunch because of Lavanya. She promptly finished her lunch. I'll eat on my way back home. She had the nerve to tell me not to open my lunch box here, while she sat and ate like a queen.

I heard Lavanya moving benches to get up from her seat. God she is making too much noise, I thought. Why can't she get up without making so much noise. I turned back and noticed Lavanya struggling. Let her be. She finally made her way out. She walked towards the door. I found her walk weird. She limped slightly. Must have hurt herself, I thought.

She smiled at me as she passed by me. I smiled back coldly. I quickly looked at her feet to see why she was limping.

She limped away to the washroom. I followed her. Tears in my eyes. I understood everything.

I stood beside her while she washed her hands.

'I'm sorry Lavanya.'
"For?" she asked.
I ran away .

Lavanya will never be able to wear the same canvas shoes that helped me run from the washroom to my class.

I hope to never wear the wooden shoes that made Lavanya limp.

Oh God, I don't know who is normal. Whether I'm good. Forgive me if you want to. And thank you for these feet.


I wrote this prayer that night. Silly me, I told myself, as I closed the book.

Naaz's dream...

Dev said bye .. and I murmured ...

when you said good bye I was still in tears. you don't how much I cried. how would you know? I'm your torturer... sometimes love dies silently. may be my love died. may be you think so. but i know nothing without you.
you taught me how to smile.
you taught me how to laugh till i cried.
you always held me tight when i cried.
you always heard me.
your voice always brought me peace. i cant explain. you wont understand.
thank you for whatever you have done for me.
you know - i have never been so happy in my life.
you brought so much joy into my sad life. you dont know. you are my angel.
i wont hear your voice anymore.
it's like someone took away my ears.
i cant hear anything.
im crying now. you wont know.
im your torturer. i killed you.
i did not. but no one believes me.
tell them i did not.
please.
tell me i did not.
you are all i had in my life. i screamed when you didnt come here. i yelled when you didnt say nice things.
i was mad.
but i only came to you.
may be i shouldn't have come so often.
why is this happening?
you wont understand me.
im a killer.
im not.
i want to hear your laugh. its ringing in my ear. but im human.
i will forget.
i dont want to.
please. i want to hear you laugh. again.
forever.
i wont promise that i wont fight again.
but i promise to never provoke you.
i provoked you didnt i?
is a sorry enough?
what should i do?
tell me please. i will do anything. for you.
my world.
come back to me please.
im going mad. i dont want to.
i dont like it.
your voice is dying. slowly. but it is happening.
i dont want it to stop happening.
it shouldn't die.
what will i do?
im ashamed. i'm your killer.
i made you go mad.
i killed you happiness.
im a torturer.
im not. believe me
please.
you wont understand.
i have loved you truly. didnt i?
dont say no...
im not ur killer.
you wont understand.

you're my world. mine.
just mine.

I got up sweating...

The unposted letter...

Dear R,

I don't know if I will ever post this letter to you. I read your letter again and again. Why did you write this line, 'you were such a nice friend to me. I really really miss you a lot. I love you.' My heart aches to read these lines.

I feel ashamed to say this, but I have not been a good friend. I lied to you. I left you because you told me about that man who harassed you. I left because you loved that man. I left you because my heart cringed on the thought that you had no choice but love that man. The man who knew you even before you were born. The same hands that fed you were now tearing you apart. I left you because I was scared that my worst dream had come true. I read about it in books. I never thought something like that could happen to a girl, a girl so innocent as you. I left because I was getting extremely depressed. I left because after you slept I would stay awake to make sure you wouldn't hurt yourself out of pain. I left because every time I saw your face I felt like crying. I left because I could not collect myself to talk to my parents and tell them I was depressed. I left because I loved you but could not bear the fact that you were going through hell. I left because I started losing my appetite and I felt disgusted thinking about that guy. I left because after you narrated the incident, you became your normal happy self again. You cried like a mad girl but in minutes you were laughing. I left because I was scared you were going to turn mad. I left because you showed me his picture. I left because I saw the smirk on his face and my stomach churned. I left because I was not able to count, concentrate, sleep. I left because sir screamed at me. I left because he mocked at me for being me. I left because his presence was making me tremble. I left because you said I'm your best friend. I left because I knew I wouldn't be able to manage.

I lied to sir that I got an admission for dental science. I still remember that sly smile on his face. I had no other choice. I was trapped. My only hope was this lie. And I couldn't' tell you the truth. I couldn't lie to you. I loved you but I was weak. I am ashamed.

I never became a doctor. I don't know if you are a doctor. I hope you are happy.

I hope you will forgive me like how you forgave that man.

Yours ever

Naaz

A Day To Remember

'It’s a fine Saturday morning!' I exclaimed. 'Oh shucks, I have to go to work but also I have an appointment with my best friend for some coffee.'

I decided to chuck work for the procrastinator in me. 'I’d rather have the piping hot coffee,' I thought.

I love the word piping, though it reminds me of this complex pipeline system that manages to flush out effluents from our homes. Ok! whatever makes me say that. I decided to wear my usual blue Capri teamed with my favorite pastel pink kurti that I keep wearing every week, no matter what, simply because it makes me feel like a model of a Westside campaign. If my mother knew I was repeating clothes at work, every single week, she’d be shattered. But then, c’mon, I have favorites, and this kurti has become a piece of my heart. I picked it from Westside and ever since it found place in my wardrobe I’ve made sure it clings to me often.

I looked for it in my cupboard, and cursed my laziness, for I do not find it neatly ironed and smelling like it was freshly dipped in fragrant water but clumsily thrown into the laundry bag that was almost overflowing.

Yikes!

The little devil in me tells me ‘Simply iron it and wear it with some perfume generously sprayed. Nobody will know.’

I was out on the streets, wearing my favorite kurti, and smelling like a ‘walking incense,’ only, this was repelling people away.

I called Bhargavi to check if she was going to pick me up or if I should make it on my own. Of course, I ask the former question in a very heart-melting innocent voice because I’m too lazy to go to anywhere on my own, and the always caring Bhargavi pulls in her Honda Activa in exactly five minutes.

“What’s that strange smell?” she asks, looking like a sniff dog.

Err, let’s go quickly. We do not want to be late for a coffee do we?

“Huh? Okay. Whoever says that for a cuppa coffee! Hop on.”

I’m quick to react. I was fiercely manipulating some witty replies, should Bhargavi ask me the “What’s that smell” question again.

My non-used lazy brain, however, could not think of anything. “I’ll just have to use my puss-in-the boots look, I suppose” I tell myself.

Bhargavi is a careful rider and that irritates me sometimes, because she signals her turn at every street, inhabited or otherwise. She also honks at every turn she takes! Man, whoever does that these days. Deep down inside my heart, I’m proud my friend follows every traffic rule and lets every human being on foot overtake her. I smiled at the old granny who just overtook us.

But, I love Bhargavi for all this. I love riding with her. At least I get to admire nature, or gasp in shock at the obscene bill boards or spot a cute guy with the 'Marlborne' helmet riding his Pulsor. I wonder why helmets make guys look cute. I prefer it that way. Really! So, one rarely gets to notice all these beauties, when on a speeding bike ride.

We come to a halt outside Barista and see it is quarter-full (for the optimist in me). Well, which hep-gang comes for a coffee in the morning, anyways? We are 'hopeless' beings and prefer coffee when there is less noise. We seat ourselves on our favorite couch, pastel green and leather.

“So, Naaz tell me why you think there is no life left in you?”

Huh? What do you mean Bharagavi?

“I’m referring to yester night’s phone conversation.”

'Oh, that.' I snicker. That was simply, zimbly you know.

I think I just cracked a light joke.

“Shut up, and tell me.”

With Bhargavi, there is no escape.

Well, err, I’m just frustrated that I’m lonely. That’s it.

“And do you know why you are lonely?”

Bhargavi, please let’s not get into that.

“See, you decided you will be lonely and why do resent it, suddenly?”

Let’s get some coffee first. I’m so scared.

“Ok, chill! I’m just concerned.”

Of course I know that.

“So devil’s own?”

Hmm, yes I guess. I’m hungry and I don’t mind some chocolate. Or, wait I’ll have some frappe. Or, hmm, what about a smoothie man?

“Naaz, decide and then stick to it.”

Bhargavi, you remind me of our principal in college!

“Yuck!”

Ok, so I’ll have a Frappe and Devil’s own.

“Ok, I’m making mine one devil’s own.”

Ok, I’m embarrassed but I have a huge appetite.

“Oh, please. Do not bother about that. We all know that and it never hurt us.”

Yay! By the way, I think we use Ok way too often!

Who cares.

We placed an order for our fill and after a hundred attempts at spelling my name right starting from Jaaz to Naat, the counter guy settled with ‘Baar-kavi,’ “easy name madam” he exclaimed.

Grr!

“Naaz, why don’t you talk to Dev? I mean…”

Bhargavi, chuck it man. Please I beg.

“Oops, sorry.”

Nah, it’s ok.

Just then the door flung open and I saw someone who gave me this weird feeling that I should instantly get down on my knees and worship the man, some Greek deity, in true Greek style. My reaction was pretty cheap. Bhargavi noticed my mouth lying open like a rhinoceros’s yawn and immediately turned to see what caused the phenomenon. Her reaction was a replay of mine. We must have looked like two cheapsters craving for some masculine presence. It took us 15 seconds to come back to our senses. We were terribly embarrassed.

Oh man, what a dirty first impression we made!

I think he gave us this, oh my goodness ‘some cheapos here’ look!

I think I also heard him say “Stop Letching you morons.” I really hope it is my imagination.

My mouth flung open again as he sat down carefully at the corner table. He quickly walked up to the counter and I think he asked for one hot coffee and that’s it.

“Oh no, if my order came anytime, I should look like a pig, eating food enough to feed some hungry villages.” I thought.

“I must cancel my order Bhargavi, it’s an emergency” I announce.

Before she could react I got up from my seat and rushed to the counter, unaware of the waiter emerging from behind the pillar to deliver my order of soul gratifying food.

What happened next was nothing less than a clash of titans. All I could think of was that the Greek God was now beaming with joy! “Serves her right! The letch.”

I hope it’s my imagination again. Bhargavi came to my rescue, flushed and extremely conscious of his presence.

The waiter was cursing me in the vernacular lingo and thank goodness I did not understand a word. I uttered a million ‘sorries’ and ran to the washroom.

Bhargavi followed me and yes, yelled at me though she kept asking me if everything was fine.

“Naaz, I hope you understand that you not only made us look like two fools but also irresponsible idiots.”

I’m sorry Bhargavi, but that guy!

“That guy, grr!”

I’m so sorry Bhargavi.

“It’s okay man. C’mon clean up and get back fast.”

I don’t know how I’m going to face him.

“Naaaaaz.”

He he he. Okay. I’ll be there in two minutes.

“Good girl.”

I came out, all flushed and not allowing my eyes to set on him, a challenge so great that I failed miserably. I saw him sipping his coffee in style and giving me a weird glance. I hope this is imagination. I really hope! I sat down on the couch, my back facing the guy and sipping the smoothie that Bhargavi ordered.

“I think the devil’s own idea was jinxed!”

You could be right.

Bhargavi signaled to me that the cute guy was leaving. I don’t know why, but both of us were instantly sad. And then suddenly Bhargavi was all alarmed and gently whispered that he was coming towards us. I so wanted to run.

And then it happened, he gently bent over and asked Bhargavi “Is everything alright?” in the squeakiest voice we’d ever heard in our lives.

Ok, now we really wanted to run.

“Err, yeah. Thanks for asking.”

He came forward to face me, beamed his smile and I pretended to look alright and not bothered and he bid goodbye, gently. I exchanged a quick goodbye while controlling my laughter. Just as soon as he stepped out, we were in splits…laughing uncontrollably.

“What on earth was that?”

I don’t know.

“Well, so much trouble for this!”

Yeah, yeah! The morons that we really are.

The Dark Alley

That was a great show! Don't you think?

"Yes of course Lila!" I said slightly disturbed

What are you gaping at? You look so lost.

"Nothing actually."

Please tell me.

"It's 8:30 PM."

So?

"I'm scared that it's too late and not safe to go back home..."

Late? It's 8:30! Oh c'mon. I've been out real late so many times. Nothings going to happen.

"But, I'm scared."

Oh please!

"I don't know...I shouldn't have stayed here for this long. I'm too scared..."

Why are you such a baby? Alright. Let's ask Dharini's mother if she would give us a lift.

"Oh Ok!" I beamed.

Aunty, would you mind dropping us off at our places. It's getting too late, and our house is on the way to your place.

"Yes Aunty. Please. " I begged.

Hmmm...Ok. Come along then.

All along the drive I was disturbed. I had never been out late without my parents and here I was today, in unknown company and a friend who claims to a brave 'tiger.' I was not ready to face the world at this age. I greatly regretted not listening to my mother. I wanted to show her I was a teenager and like Lila, I could handle things on my own. She told me, you do not know this world. The dark skies were now smirking at me. I couldn't breathe.

The car came to a sudden halt.

Can you guys get down here? I actually need to get elsewhere.

"Oh, but it's so late and my house is so far away." I spoke almost bursting into tears.

C'mon! You are 14! I'm sure you can handle this.

"Oh yes we can Aunty. Thanks for the lift." Lila spoke quickly.

I got off reluctantly.

"What were you saying?"

What?

"I'm sure we can handle this? What are you thinking?"

Nothing. We are big people now!

"No we are not. We are only 14. We do not know the world. "

Ya right.

"And that lady? She has a daughter too? I'm sure she wouldn't leave her alone like this? Look at this place...there's no one in sight. What did she think?"

She thought we were OLD!

"Which we are not Lila! You get that?"

YOU are not old! I am.

I did not wish to continue talking to someone who was pretending to be too mature for her age.

"I'll come to your place and ask Yohaan to come and pick me up. "

You know what, we should have one of those phones people have. You can call anyone from anywhere to anywhere. Cellphones. Imagine if you had one now, you could ask your brother to come over right away.

"Yeah, but I do not have a cellphone and if you do not mind I'll call Yohaan from your land phone. "

Duh! Of course.

"Lila is crazy" I thought.

First she makes me stay over at school for this late and then she talks about technical advancements I was not even interested in learning about. Then she justifies that it was all right for the lady to drop us off somewhere, nowhere in the dark. It was 9:15 and we were 2 young 14 year olds, dressed in a red shirt and a white skirt, our sports uniform, all alone on the lonely streets unaware of any impending danger.

I always preferred walking in adequately lit areas, it gave me a sense of security. Lila on the other hand was turning into some kind of a psycho who proclaimed she knew every street in and out, whether lit or otherwise. She signaled we should take a shortcut, and I strongly disagreed.

This will take us home in 2 mins. That well lit road of yours will take us home in 10 minutes.

"I do not care."

Well I do. We are both going this way.

"No we are not. "

Of course we are!

"Lila. Stop being ridiculous. Why don't you understand it's not safe."

Well, what do you know about my locality. It's absolutely safe. You can come here at 12 in the night and nothing will ever happen to you.

"Well, I don't think so Lila. "

Shut up once and for all and come.

I had no choice than to listen to this crazy female because I was too scared to take the longer route on my own. I was uncomfortable and disturbed and almost in tears for having known Lila.

"What's that sound Lila. "

Don't look. Keep walking.

I heard bikes wheeling and roaring their way into the dark. I turned and looked at them. Four men on two bikes. I was trembling with fear. I knew we were not safe.

"Lila?"

Sssssh. Do not talk. Keep walking. They will go away.

True. they went away. I regained my composure but I was now extremely scared. Lila was scared too. She was a girl too...and she couldn't cover her woman-ness with the mask of a tiger.

"Lila, they're back."

Oh my God.

"Let's hide behind the cars please. "

No. Let's keep walking.

I was right behind Lila and the bikes were nearing us now. They screeched past me and went right up to the end of the street. I knew what was going to happen. I kept walking. The ignition started again, this time they applied more acceleration and headed right in my direction. Suddenly Lila was nowhere to be seen. She was running towards a car...to hide.

I was standing all alone with two bikes approaching me...and suddenly something happened. Something really bad.

All the men swung open their arms and as they sped by me, slapped me.

I fell. Lost.

I heard some cheering behind me. I saw Lila running towards me yelling 'Naaz'

...and then I saw no more.