OPEN HIGHWAY TO THOUGHTS

Dear Politician

2012-02-11T09:05:00.001+05:30

I don't want to kill you
I don't want to drive close to you just so that I can get a glimpse of your face
I don't want to salute you
I don't want to be do anything with you or your presence or your very existence

So will you please let me drive in peace without having me wait for hours to see your cars zoom past, and inevitably end up going late to work?

Yesterday, I had to wait for 20 mins on the road, in anticipation, like a pregnant lady in the labor ward. Will you ever come or not? Your sincere servants, traffic police and the entire police force was standing in stark discipline, barely breathing, waiting to salute you. That's what you've made them.

But dear Sir, I'm not your servant. I don't see why I should be subjected to unnecessary waits in a jam packed road, for which Sir, you are the reason.

Where are you going? To make amends? To help the poor? To initiate development activities? To do something about the poor roads here? To do some good?

I assume, and forgive me for that, that since you hardly have the time for all the above activities, you're probably going to some place far off for a chit chat with your fellow colleagues, may be to discuss how you can loot us more.

Why don't you all fly in helicopters? I swear I can't afford one and I confess, I have no intention of blasting your plane down.

So, dear Sir, if you would please, not make me waste my fuel and incur more costs on my living, just carry on with your daily tasks without disturbing me, I'd appreciate that!

Why did we grow up?

2012-02-10T20:43:00.000+05:30

Today I'm thinking how different my life was when I was young. As I think, I'm wondering why I grew up in the first place. Why did we all grow up?
I think it's because we wanted to!
'You're too young for this' 'You'll know when you're old enough' 'No, that's not for you. It's for adults'All these encouraging comments only created inquisitiveness in us to actually want to grow up. To know what is actually in store for adults.
BAH!
How I wish nobody said those things. Now, I'm here, all grown up, mature (supposedly) and knowledgeable; but yearning to go back into days of ignorance, innocence and craziness.

To come to think of it, knowledge is poison. No wonder, God (as in Bible) got wild that Adam and Eve ate the apple that opened their eyes. I'm no staunch believer. But I understand why he got angry with them. What with all the knowledge and wisdom, the only thing you will want to do is 'question' and argue. To consummate this acquired knowledge, we reason out.

When I was a little kid, I'd depend on my parents to take all my decisions and I would dedicate my existence on their very counsel. Now all I want to do is reason out that 'I'm mature enough to handle things on my own' I'm not usually a rebel with my parents, I love them a lot, but then there are differences in opinion.
I can't imagine how much they would be offended to see their daughter who once even depended on them to be fed, talk back and say big things. Sigh!

When I was a little child, my only purpose in life was to play with friends and eat whatever my mother cooked.

Then slowly it changed to going to school, studying something, coming back home, eating something, playing with friends till darkness engulfs me, having dinner and sleeping with my parents. The only expectation from me was to pass examinations. Later, expectations grew exponentially.
Pass with flying colors.
Be an obedient child.
No fighting with sibling.
No fighting with friends.

The trend continues.

Come to think of it, I can live with the growing old bit, what really bothers me is that my parents are growing older as I grow old. That hurts me. Nevertheless, we all have to abide by nature's rule. While we are at it, might as well enjoy it.

When I age and sit back to reflect upon the days I lived, I pray I will be a person filled with no regrets :)

Donuts - Inspired Recipe

2012-01-28T17:35:00.000+05:30

When I was in class 8, my brother and I used to ask my mum for Rs. 6 each to go buy donuts from FoodWorld. We used to love those sugar glazed donuts, soft and light. We used to devour one everyday after school. Soon after, they stopped selling those donuts and we forgot it in time, leaving it behind as one of our childhood memories. One day, I suddenly had this burning urge to eat donuts. I don't like the ones they sell here in Chennai. They get really hard and stretchy. So I decided I'd make them myself.

I went shopping and bought all the ingredients and I was ready for the battle. I searched online for tons of recipes for donuts, watched videos on Youtube. I even tried out one batch following a certain recipe from a Youtube video, but I failed miserably. All I got was fried chunks of sweet maida.

I don't know how, but miraculously the below recipe worked like magic for me. My very first batch, came out perfect. Here's how.

Donuts - Recipe (Frying version)

Ingredients:

1/4 cup warm water

1/4 yeast

3/4 cup milk

1/4 butter

2 tbsp sugar

1 egg

2 cups flour

Oil for frying

For the glaze:

1 cup castor sugar

3 tbsp water

1/4 butter

vanilla essense

Method of preparation:

1. Mix well yeast in 1/4 cup warm water

2. Take flour in a bowl and make a well in the centre

3. Add the yeast, butter, milk, sugar and egg and knead well

4. Cover for an hour to let dough rise

5. Once the dough has risen to double its size, take it out and roll it on a floured surface

6. Cut out donuts using a donut cutter - I used a dessert bowl to cut out the donuts and a coke bottle cap to cut out the holes in the donuts

7. Let the cut donuts stay for another 30 mins to rise again

8. Fry the donuts till they are brown on both sides

9. Glaze - mix all ingredients till you get a glossy mixture

10. Lace donuts with the glaze and serve. You may also dust some castor sugar on top.

Any takers? :)

Temper

2012-01-28T02:04:00.000+05:30

Over the past few years, I've been controlling my temper consciously. Whenever I get really angry, I just utter a few words to myself and then just erase the episode off my head. On and off, I rant here or update my FB/Twitter/LinkedIn status. One way or the other I vent it out. I have come a long way from the 'screaming and yelling' bit to 'silently walking away' bit.

Things that anger me are not silly stupid things. They genuinely affect my daily dealings. Like today, one extremely insensitive email really pissed me off. I uttered a few sick words to myself and breathed. Once calm, I sent a nonchalant reply. In reply to my email I got another insensitive email. I just shoved it down my trash bin and walked away to join my colleagues for a training session. I consciously threw the email out of my system (both virtual and physical) and moved on with my tasks.

But to think, I came back here to talk about it :)

Back at home, I thought to myself, investing that much energy in such petty issues is really uncalled for. I'm reading this book called Emotional Intelligence - Daniel Goleman that talks about how every emotion is controlled in the brain. Interestingly enough, anger triggers excessive blood and a sudden rush of adrenalin to flow down your arms; that's why you feel this urge to grab a tool to hit someone or slap or throw something or just bang your fists against the wall. My!

Anger is such a powerful emotion. But it shouldn't be manifested. It does no good to the soul. Any activity done is haste and anger bears severe consequences later when the anger subsides. Leaving us with a feeling of guilt and remorse.

Today, during those tense moments of anger and frustration, I simply breathed heavily. Releasing all the tension off my mind. I never meditate. But I felt an environment of positivity build around me when I did that and my conscious efforts of forgetting the episode relieved me a great deal.

My control on temper needs more conditioning. Hopefully, as I grow older I will be able to achieve it. May be later in my life, I will explore the possibilities of meditation. For now, the best way to stay cool, I've learnt is to simply ignore. And that's my lesson for today.

To forget and ignore completely.

Coorg

2012-01-23T19:21:00.006+05:30

We visited Coorg last June, for no reasons. Before my journey, I ensured I read up everything on what the place has in offer, the culture, the language and so on. Strangely enough, I read that Coorg is the Scotland of India. I have never been to Scotland, but this title really excited me. I've always pictured Scotland with men scouting around in pleated skirts, playing bagpipes; women wearing long dresses with hats, some carrying drums of milk; beautiful weather and pretty flowers. Me and my imagination :)

I was so geared for getting to Coorg, the Scotland of India. We took the Shatabdi express from Chennai and reached Mysore in the afternoon. From Mysore, we hired a private taxi and reached Coorg in 2.5 hrs. It started raining by then. We stayed at the Kodagu Valley Resorts by Club Mahindra. From the balcony all I could see was green. Trees, shrubs, bushes, everything lush green. I thought we were living in a rain forest. It was so beautiful.

We visited some must-see places including the Nisargadhama Ecological park, the Tibetan monastery and the Raja's seat. We couldn't visit the Abbey falls due to the rains. We also went down to the town and shopped for mangoes. I love mangoes.

After I got back to my room, I realized I did not see any bagpipes and nothing of what I had imagined 'Scotland' would be like. Only then did I realized, that the similarity between Coorg and Scotland was the rustic beauty that the place has in offer. The beautiful landscapes, gardens and pleasant weather.

I was not disappointed after all. Coorg is a beautiful valley, inhabited by warm people and has a great culture.

I loved my visit to Coorg and yearn to go back again sometime.

Nisargadhama Ecological park

The Tibetan Monastery

View from the Raja's seat

Nanban

2012-01-23T13:06:00.000+05:30

Vijay has always come across as a rather discreet personality. He claims he is an introvert, so do his colleagues, but somehow his body language conveys something else. Like he has purposely buried another part of himself somewhere so that he comes across as an introvert. It sometimes irritates me to see him crack jokes on screen, sarcastic ones; beat up all the baddies; and then sit for a talk show like he was being paid to shut up. I have met and interacted with Vijay once on my way back to Chennai from Hyderabad. I told him how much I liked his remakes, Friends, Kadhallukku mariyadhai and so on, he only force smiled, nodded his head like a cow and shook my hand. I was like, bleh.

I hate Vijay's movies that have been tailor made to suit his fan following. The redundant fights, item songs and romance. And not to forget his, unshaven rugged look and mockery of a wardrobe. His potential as an actor never really came to the forefront. That's why when I first heard that Shankar cast Vijay in Nanban, I was laughing at Shankar's stupidity. I assumed the movie would be an utter waste of a great story and script.

But! I was wrong.

Nanban was a treat to watch. And I must really say this, Vijay rocked! Even a Vijay hater (read: Ajith fans) will love Vijay for his performance.

Shankar played it safe by simply replicating the original 3 Idiots scene by scene. One would expect, that a director like Shankar give the film his touch of perfection. I'm glad he did not. He respected the flavor of the movie and let it take all the credit. He just ensured that the picture sewn together looked appealing. And it did.

Nanban comes to Vijay as a hattrick victory, after Kaavalan (Bodyguard) and Velayudham. Nanban is definitely a turning point in Vijay's career. With this movie, Vijay has got to come to his senses and stop catering to his 'mass.' He should look at more such character oriented roles in his future projects.

Jiiva was a treat to watch on screen. He is witty, has great screen presence and kept his character alive throughout the movie. Shrikanth wasn't exactly a great cast for the role, but his performance towards the climax really moved me to tears. But I really wished Madhavan himself had taken up this role. Sathyan, as silencer, did full justice to his character. The welcome speech, where Sathyan keeps addressing the principal as a rapist and the education minister as a fart machine, stands out. The theater was in splits. Ileana looks sweet on screen and great dance moves. Ooh!

Sathayraj, who am I to say, was simply too good. He matched the 'Virus' profile perfectly.

I wish Vijay had gone for an image makeover as well, read: moustache. Well, how is one to straighten out a dog's tail?

Aloo Tikki - My Recipe

2012-01-23T00:05:00.000+05:30

I fondly recollect the first time I had aloo tikkis. I used to live in Ahmedabad and back then (I'm talking about 1995) MG road was THE most happening place in Ahmedabad. We used to go there every weekend and have veg pizza from a popular eatery, (there were no Pizza Huts/Dominoes back then), and strawberry milkshake with whole chunks of sweet strawberry; aah bliss. One day, we decided to try out chaat from one of the eateries and my dad got me aloo tikki. I loved it! I ate two and wanted more. After that day, I would have aloo tikkis almost every weekend.

Strangely enough, I never took a great liking to potato anyway. But for the sake of my cherished childhood memories, I will share the recipe of Aloo tikki I tried out one weekend at home.

My recipe for Aloo Tikki

Cooking time: 30 mins
Ingredients
Potatoes - 5 nos, peeled and boiled
Green chillies - 3 nos, chopped
Green peas - 100 gms or 1/2 cup
Cumin powder - 1 tsp
Red chilli powder - 2 tsp
Garam Masala - 2 tsp
Chaat Masala - 1 tbsp
Salt to taste
Oil - enough for shallow frying

Method of preparation:
1. Wash, peel and pressure cook potatoes till tender
2. Mash potatoes.
3. Mix green peas and green chillies
4. Season with cumin powder, red chilli powder, garam masala, chaat masala and salt as per requirement
5. Knead well until all spices are infused into the potato mash
6. Make tikkis of desired thickness and keep aside
7. Heat oil in a tawa and arrange tikkis
8. Shallow fry until golden brown on both sides
9. Serve hot with tomato ketchup or mint chutney

With that, my childhood memories are back!

Semiya Payasam - My recipe

2012-01-22T18:51:00.001+05:30

I love making desserts. That's largely because I have a severe case of chronic 'sweet tooth.' To further substantiate this, I have 8 cavities; all filled in at the tender age of 13.

Aah!

Getting back; I love sweets and I love making them. Of course, I'm still only going through the trial and error stages, at least I'm making efforts.

To be honest, when I cook, I go by my instincts. I don't follow 'these many tbsps of masala or these many portions of this and that' I just taste, adjust and cook. I'd like to call myself an uncomplicated cook. Nevertheless, I will share my recipes, with the measurements, just so you can try them yourselves.

Without further ado, here's my recipe for Semiya Payasam

Cooking time: 20 mins

Ingredients:

Milk - 1/2 litre

Sugar - 5 tbsp (may be adjusted as per your requirements)

Clarified butter (ghee) - 1 tbsp

Semiya/Vermicelli - 100 gms

Almonds - soaked, peeled and chopped

Cardamom pods - 4, pressed

Method of Preparation:

1. Heat milk in a saucepan

2. Add sugar to the milk and stir until sugar is completely dissolved

3. In a fry pan, add 1 tbsp of ghee and fry the vermicelli till golden brown. Turn off heat.

4. When the fried vermicelli has cooled a bit, slowly add it to the milk. Be careful while adding the vermicelli; if the mixture is too hot the milk may curdle. Ensure you are stirring the milk while adding the vermicelli.

5. Let the milk simmer, till vermicelli rises to the top

6. Add ground cardamoms

7. Keep stirring till vermicelli is completely cooked

8. Add chopped almonds

9. Serve hot

My simple Semiya Payasam is ready!

Mutton Keema - My Recipe

2012-01-22T18:19:00.002+05:30

I never eat Keema from outside. I'm apprehensive about the fact that whatever parts I usually discard from the mutton/chicken meat will be included in the minced chunk in restaurants. Therefore, I safely avoid eating any keema dish outside. But that doesn't mean, I will restrict myself of ever trying it out. The safest option for me is to mince the meat myself.
It took me an hour to separate the meat off the bone, but it was worth the effort. I put the boneless mutton pieces into my food processor and I had a beautiful chunk of minced mutton meat with me, ready to be cooked.

Here's my recipe for Mutton Keema
Cooking time - Approx 30 mins
Ingredients:
Minced mutton
Ginger-garlic-green chilli paste - 1 tbsp (10 garlic pods; good amount of ginger; 4 fat green chillies)
Onions - 2 nos, finely chopped
Tomatoes - 2 nos, finely chopped
Turmeric powder - 1 tsp
Coriander powder - 4 tsp
Pepper powder - 1 tsp
Garam masala - 2 tsp
Green peas - 100 gms
Water - 1 cup
Salt to taste
Coriander leaves for garnish

Method of Preparation:
1. Heat oil in a kadai/wok
2. Add the ginger-garlic-green chilli paste to the hot oil; stir till light brown or no more raw smell
3. Add the chopped onions and fry till translucent
4. Add the minced mutton and stir
5. When mutton turns pale in color, add chopped tomatoes
6. Add turmeric, coriander, pepper, garam masala powder and salt. You may adjust the seasoning as per your requirements
7. Mix well and add water
8. Close saucepan with lid, and let it simmer on low flame
9. When the water is half reduced, add the green peas
10. Simmer till mutton is completely cooked and raw taste of green peas is gone.
Garnish with coriander leaves. Serve hot with Paranthas.

Fraud Tomato Soup - My recipe

2012-01-22T17:50:00.001+05:30

I have a very bad habit of saving up ketchup, oregano, chilli flakes sachets. Today I opened my draw to push in a few more of these sachets and found that the draw was already overflowing with the previously collected ones. I then decided that I should do something with these beauties. Soup I thought!

We usually eat Knorr soups, but lately I realized that more than the good stuff, they are loaded with tons of preservatives. Ya they claim there aren't any, but why believe them? They'll say anything to make a sale.

So I decided I'd make some tomato soup today; using the ketchup sachets, oregano and chilli flakes. This is not anything like the traditional home made tomato soups and it takes only about 10 mins to cook. That's why the name, 'Fraud Tomato Soup' :)

Here's the recipe: Tomato Soup - Fraud Version

Cooking Time: 10 mins
Ingredients:

Tomatoes - 4 nos

Water - 2 cups

Garlic Pods - 4 nos (finely chopped)

Butter - 175 grams

Tomato Ketchup - 8 sachets

Oregano - 1 sachet

Chilli Flakes - 1 sachet

Pepper - 1 tsp

Garam Masala - 1 tsp

Salt to taste

Coriander, Butter for garnish

Method of Preparation:

1. Peel tomatoes and blend them together in a blender, adding water to dilute the consistency

2. Heat butter in a saucepan

3. Add the chopped garlic into the butter and let it cook till there is no raw smell of garlic

4. Add the tomato puree and cook until the consistency is thickened a bit

5. Add the tomato ketchup

6. Season this with Oregano, chilli flakes, pepper, garam masala and salt

7. Bring to boil

8. Add water if the mixture is too thick. You may wish to add butter at this stage to give the soup a nice buttery texture

9. Remove from flame once you get the desired consistency

10. Garnish with coriander leaves and a dollop of butter.

10 mins, 10 easy steps - Your fraud tomato soup is ready to serve!

The Great Kabab Factory

2012-01-17T12:56:00.002+05:30

Going to a good restaurant for dinner has always led to dilemmas and most often, we settle down for simple take-aways from Wangs or Appakadai. Yesterday, a lighting of an idea struck us and we decided to try out The Great Kabab Factory at Radisson. At the back of my head I was feeling really bad for having gorged down pizza and garlic bread for lunch. But I shoved it off anyways.

It was 9 P.M when we reached the hotel. The manager looked around and asked us if we would mind waiting for a seat inside or adjust in what seemed like a corridor transformed into seating areas. We were okay with the corridor seating and settled down instantly.

The waiter quickly asked us if we wanted to go for veg or non-veg. He listed down the options in non-veg and we asked for two of it. The service is quite fast paced; there was a glass of badam milk, a fruit-veg salad on our plates, some options of chutneys on our table; all in a matter of minutes.

Just as I finished my salad, I was served the first of the many kababs to come. Minced meat kabab, to be rolled in a parantha, garnished with vinegar onions and laced with mint chutney.

It was delicious! But, I committed a cardinal sin of gulping down one whole glass of water. With that my appetite came to a standstill. The waiter brought along one after the other, chicken drumstick marinated in cashew dressing, fish fillet, prawns cooked to perfection, sheekh kabab and boneless chicken kabab. Adding to the rich array of kababs, the waiter got us some delicious thick chaas (buttermilk) and a fruit sorbet to help us cleanse the palate. Every time the waiter places the kababs on to your plates, he ensures to tell you what it is, the marinade used, and the chutney that it best goes with.

By the time I got to the boneless chicken kabab my pants were screaming to be loosened. I was full! I couldn't click enough pictures of the other entrees, because I hardly found time between my fork and camera. After one course of entrees, the waiter politely asked us if we wanted to repeat anything. I swear, I would have burst open if I asked for anymore.

After the large and filling portions of kababs, the waiter asked us if we wanted to go in for rotis first and biryani second or vice-versa. WHAT? There's more food - I screamed in my head.

Honestly, at that point in time, I wished I didn't eat that good-for-nothing pizza, in fact, I shouldn't have even eaten my breakfast. How on earth was I going to eat anything after such large portions of proteins? I silently sulked.

After a brief Hiatus, we skipped the rotis and asked the waiter to bring us some biryani.

The Biryani was out of this world. Soft marinated mutton on a bed of flavored rice, it was bliss. I could hardly eat one spoon of it, and my mind just pointed a gun at me, threatening me that if I ate anything else, I will die.

I gave up.

So with that my tryst with the delicious, aromatic mutton biryani came to an end. I hate wasting food, but if I didn't waste food yesterday, I wouldn't have been alive to write this post.

After the main course, it was time for desserts. No matter how full I get, I always have some room for desserts.

I particularly enjoyed the apple kheer that they offered. Sweet and light, it was a treat. The rasagulla, of course a tad heavy, was another delicious treat. The kulfi wasn't exactly a delight and we conveniently skipped the moong dal halwa for obvious reasons.

We asked for the bill and I thought to myself, that it was literally a beautiFULL evening. Next time, I am not going to eat breakfast, rather, dinner the previous night.

Meal per person Non-veg: Rs. 1250 + taxes

Experience - Full and filling

Life as I know it

2012-01-15T17:00:00.024+05:30

My life has been a concoction of dramas. There is this one pattern that is a constant in all the dramas.
Anything I put my foot into, goes well for the first year and then the very next year, it gets jinxed. Education, work, relationship, and the list goes on.

I wont talk about the relationship bit. But the education and work bit I will.
My first year of PG was a breeze. Lot of hard work and equivalent rewards. The next year, all of a sudden, there was too much stress, too less recognition and a lot of drama.
My first year of my job, was bliss. I loved it. The second year started off with a lot of pressure and frustration.
I'm only in my second job in my career span and my second year of 'tribulations' has officially started.
I'm not reacting. I'm just thinking, how I managed the last time. Well, last time I quit. But I had a darn good reason for quitting. Of course this time quitting isn't an option.
While I'm thinking how to handle this mess, I'm also wondering, why life keeps throwing these situations at me.

I should document all these in detail somewhere, someday I'll write a book on it.
Provided people are willing to listen to my rant!

:)

Books, I sorely miss thee.

2012-01-07T08:34:00.001+05:30

I have simply stopped reading books.
That explains why I am not able to write anything here. 5 long years of blogging and 2008 was the only productive blogging year. I feel really bad.
I've come to realize how important reading is to me. I just can't seem to draw any inspiration anymore.
I could cite something from work. But you know how work is. It's like as if a group of people came prepared for their part and were giving their 100% at this play. At least for me it's like that. My work is a well executed drama.
But I'd rather not discuss it!
I miss them books. I think they are my soul mates. Gah, how could I abandon them?
Well, for starters, I think I'll read 'The Shadow of the wind'
I just can't get enough of this book. I've read it 5 times already. Yet, I love re-reading it. Every time I do, I rediscover myself.
If you haven't read it - READ IT!

Goodbye 2011

2012-01-03T00:29:00.000+05:30

I want to quickly recap all the events that came to be an integral part of the year that was 2011.
First, I got married. 60% of my life events hence changed.
Second, I quit work and then rejoined the same place. I was quite embarrassed at first but then I shoved it off my shoulders, gah.
Third, I danced in front of a 1000 odd people. That's something!

Of course, there were a million other events that took shape in 2011. It'll take sometime for me to write it down here. I'm hoping 2012 will be an important year for me both in my professional & personal life. Right now, I'm chalking out a 'zindagi naa mileygi doobara' plan. You know, just in case the world ends!

:)

Crazy Love!

2011-11-01T21:30:00.000+05:30

Love drives you crazy. It truly does!
You will forget your hunger, sleep, work, and life in general. I talk for no one in particular. But it's a great feeling to be that crazy in love. Lucky are those who have found such joys in life!
When you are crazy in love, you see your world through his/her eyes. He loves rains. So do you. She loves blue. And so do you.
It's a crazy feeling.
You go any extent to keep your lover happy. You will lose track of time and sometimes money. But that's trivial in love. In crazy love, all that matters is love.
However, the sad truth is, only a few couples are able to keep that fire alive through their love life. Some lose this spark once responsibilities come into the picture or that it seems to have become redundant.
To keep the spark alive, crazy love, requires constant refueling of trust, care, understanding, emotional support and a very important factor, space. Alone time is a definite must, in such craziness. To sustain some level of sanity in the relationship.
It is when you strike a balance between these factors that you retain the essence of this crazy love.
Gah! Strike the balance or not, the feeling of craziness in love, is inexplicable and beyond a layman's imagination.
It's a crazy feeling to be crazy in love!

Go love! :)

May be I'm never going to Heaven...

2011-10-08T01:28:00.001+05:30

Just after I published my post on an irritating colleague at work, I stumbled upon this beautiful story that inflicted enough pain in my heart.

An old man sold toys in the Baghdad market. Knowing that his sight was not quite perfect, his customers sometimes paid him with fake money.

The old man discovered the ruse, but did not say anything.
In his prayers he asked God to forgive those who cheated him.
“Perhaps they’re short of money and want to buy presents for their children,” he said to himself.

The time passed and the old man died. Standing before the gates of Heaven, he prayed once more:

- Lord! – he said. – I am a sinner. I did many wrong things, I am no better than the false coins I was paid. Forgive me!

At that moment the gates swung open and a Voice was heard:

- Forgive what? How can I judge someone who all through his life never once passed judgment on others?

I have judged. Lot of times. Lot of people.

I'll never go to Heaven.

Haven’t you ever lost someone?

2011-10-07T16:14:00.000+05:30

Sometimes I wonder... why do some people fall in love over and over again...In and out of relationships, in and out of sorrows. Many people continue to love.
Some fail to do so. And I understand.
But to the ones, who continue loving, it's amazing how they do it! I read this somewhere (I don't remember where)

Haven’t you ever lost someone?

A man was walking along the road to Damascus. He recalled his lost love and his soul grieved.
“Pity on those who know love,” he thought. “They will never be happy, with the fear of losing the one they love.”
At that moment he heard a nightingale sing.
- Why do you act like that? – the man asked the nightingale. – Don’t you see that my beloved, who loved your song so much, is no longer here by my side?
- I sing because I am happy – answered the nightingale.
- Haven’t you ever lost someone? – the man insisted.
- Many times – answered the nightingale. – But my love still remains all the same.

And the man went on his way feeling more hopeful.

I think this is a very pretty picture of love. Love is such a mysterious emotion. Quaint yet so simple.
I think Love is contained in this magic cup that is always full to the brim. No matter how much we take away from the cup, there is still a full cup left behind.

Like a mother's love towards her beloved child.

What the hell

2011-10-04T02:19:00.000+05:30

This morning I saw a man waiting for his chaffeur to come open his bloody door. The chaffeur got down from the car, leaving me wait behind him, ran to the backdoor and opened the door for the loser inside.
I hate it when people do that.
Why the hell can't people open the doors on their own? What do they think of themselves? I was so bloddy pissed off that I kept honking at him. That loser casually got down and looked at me. I stared back at him. I wanted to scoff at him. But I didn't.
Because he is a bloody loser.

My hands are itching...

2011-07-15T18:06:00.000+05:30

To write something here. I want to say something, type something, something interesting, something different, but I don't know what :(

Talking about 'itching hands.' I have a weird belief, you can't call it being superstitious or anything, but I generally believe in it. If my left palm itches, I believe I'll get money soon and that's why my hands are itching. And if my right palm starts itching, I believe I'm going to lose some money soon.
My right palm was once itching and as I sulked, complaining about how I was soon going to lose money, my husband casually tells me with a smirk on his face, 'May be your hands are dirty, go wash them.'

:)

Married and all...

2011-06-23T17:49:00.000+05:30

It's been about 5 months since I'm married. To the one I always wanted to marry. I always come across as a person who is rather indecisive about matters. Job, food, TV shows, clothes and time. I just can't seem to come to a conclusion. And to think, I stuck by the one decision, that was to change my live forever. My decision to marry A. I stuck by it and let's see, how things work out in future... ha ha

People ask me how my married life is. And I tell them, 'going great,' 'awesome' and so on. But in reality I feel a lot more than that. I just don't know how to put it down in words.

Till the day I got married, I was really scared. Fears of managing a home, cooking, taking care of things and the like. These fears stemmed from my own conceptions on marriage and some real life experiences. I knew deep inside that I was not my mother. She could bring up two kids, my brother and I, cook a lot of delicious dishes, run the home, take care of a lot of things, be cordial with my dad and so on. It just freaked me out.
From the first dish I cooked for A, I knew I am 50% my mother. But the rest 50% I am lazy, sleepy, cribby and emotional. But it dawned on me, one day, when A was arranging the house, putting things in order, making lists of this-and-that, that marriage is the best decision I ever took in my life. And A completed my puzzle, my so called laziness, lethargy and sluggish way of living.

He does not cook. Simply put, the that's the only thing he doesn't do at home.
Sometimes I crib about having to cook after getting back from work. A lot infact. I have earlier cribbed about having to cook after getting back from college here. So we mostly eat out. Anyways, like I earlier told you, I'm lazy and almost always sleepy. A seldom complains and I'm only happy that he doesn't :D
I don't when he will explode... he he he

Marriage has its ups and downs, all is not rosy. Even in our marriage, there are some misunderstandings and quarrels. For now, I'm quite happy and I really don't know how to describe the kind of joy I'm experiencing.

:)

Just another day...

2011-02-17T14:11:00.000+05:30

There's no value for 'Independence Day' anymore. just another holiday. A day for movies, shopping and relaxing. This year, unfortunately for many, Independence day fell on a Sunday!

Gasp! The horror of missing out on a free day.

I mean, what else can we really do? In school we were literally forced to attend the flag hoisting function, usually held in the early hours. The only good thing about the function, however, would be the distribution of sweets/candies at the end of the program. Apart from that there was nothing special about this day. In fact, it was annoying that channels would play 'The Gandhi' over and over again on T.V. Now, of course they play other commercial movies. Because, as I already mentioned this is just another holiday.

What are we to do on Independence day? Are we to sit in deep contemplation about how India won it's freedom and the people who struggled in the fight? Or reflect on our duties as a citizen of free India? Or recite prayers and sing patriotic songs? Or narrate stories to little kids?

No.

Our mind is not conditioned to do all this. Our mind is already burdened with so many, many, things that we don't have the time for all this. In the true sense, today, Independence means nothing but a break from work, school, college, kitchen...and so on...

Yes. We justify it. "We've worked so hard all this week, we definitely deserve this break." Absolutely.

Independence day, as we see it today, holds no value. We're just happy that we're free.

But that's a lie we tell ourselves everyday.

We're not free.

When we hear our anthem, we continue walking, eating, laughing, playing and doing everything except stand still for those few seconds... because, we're not free from the fear that people will mock/laugh/stare at us.

When we want to get our work done fast, we will go to any extent, even pay bribe.

Everybody is aware of freedom of speech/expression, but no one raises their voice against any wrong.

We're not really free. That explains why this day doesn't hold any value in our lives. Anymore.

Yell - oww

2011-02-17T14:09:00.000+05:30

Why do I find it exceptionally disturbing when people yell at their maids, drivers, assistants? I hear a young girl, barely 20, screaming at the top of her voice at one of her maids who didn't do a neat job of what was asked of her. The lady must have been 40+
My upbringing does not permit me to raise my voice at the domestic helps and people working for us. In fact, many times, my driver has yelled at me for overstaying at a place. I was angry. But I didn't yell.
Seriously, you can't justify that by yelling or screaming you are correcting them. You simply want to create fear in them. And if I'm right, none of us really that fearful of our fellow beings. Unless of course I know my head will be chopped off for breaking a glass bowl, I will only pretend to be scared then later bad mouth you. Like we do with our annoying bosses.
In my eyes, people who yell at people who work under them are insecure and foolish. You are not satisfied with the work they do, then hire someone else or you do it yourself. Save yourself from negativity around you.

Re-reading

2010-08-13T14:37:00.000+05:30

I'm so out-of-focus today (no focus on anything basically)... I opened my blog and started reading all my posts. It's so weird that I can't relate myself to these posts.
A long time ago I read a story about a couple in their old age, who burnt all their love letters because they thought it was so silly and stupid. I got really offended by that story and told myself I'd never do such a thing.
Of course, I'll never do such a thing. But I think I now understand their feeling. As we grow older, we somehow start believing we've become less sillier/more mature/more experienced. When we look back into our past, we usually break into a smile or laughter or hit our foreheads and tell ourselves - did I really do that? how silly of me!
See, now when I read my school essays, I go like - Oh goodness.. what was I thinking! Why is my language like this? blah blah...

To be honest.. I never wanted to feel this feeling. I never wanted to lose the feeling of belonging with my own past. But now when I read the little posts I've written to that imaginary Santa Claus, I just want to close it and keep it back inside. I don't even want to read my slam book from school... becos something just doesnt sound right somewhere.

Sad.

utter

2010-08-06T12:19:00.000+05:30

I don't know how but I somehow manage to isolate myself from people. People who love me, pretend to love me, hate me. Its extremely difficult for me to socialize with more than two people at a time. Most often, comfortable with only one person around me or I'm best being left to myself. I love solitude.

But! That's not such a good thing.

Infact, it's a very bad thing. And the worst you could do to yourself in a corporate. I take a LOT of time to get comfortable with people.
It's so weird but I meet so many different people wherever I go and I have to keep adjusting my preferences in order to become a part of that group.
If one group is funny and jovial the next group I meet is extremely serious... In fact, no matter how much I appear to be silent and 'with-myself' always, I'm a pretty jovial person... I love to crack jokes and generally laugh...
Many times, I am the one who cracks the jokes and the only person who laughs at it because the others just don't seem to understand it... you get it? It's funny! and embarrassing ;)

So that's the reason why I take so much time to get familiar and start socializing with people...My PG days, for that matter, were the best, because I could be myself, all the time. It's one thing that we were almost of the same age group but a totally different thing that we shared the same wavelength.. I mean whatever was funny to me was funny to them as well... It's absolute bliss, to have a peer group like that.

I think as usual I've diverged into a totally new subject. The underline of this post is... if I feel you are my kinda person then you'll see a totally different me else you'll never find me in your proximity.

I'd spend more time with myself instead :)

Plain pain

2010-07-07T14:03:00.002+05:30

There is no one in this world who hasn't undergone pain. Pain in its myriad forms - family, education, beliefs, choices... Some of us simply soak ourselves in pain as it comes, living in futile hope, that pain itself will redeem.

Sometimes, pain leads to sweet redemption. Life would be bland without pain.

I've discovered that pain has a lot more on offer than itself. It unfolds life. And the truth. Often, bitter experiences in life is what 'mould' us, into who we are. Our perspective becomes less foggy. I think its pain that motivates us to fight back, and turn us into brave people.

It's a beautiful thing. You've not lived life if you've not experienced pain. Pain is what makes the effort worth it. We've all heard the saying - there's no gain without pain. It's actually true. It is pain that brings us the fruit at the end of all that toil and effort. If there's no pain in what we do, how do we come to senses and the realization that we're actually doing it?

We're humans. And emotions define us. If in pain you smile, you're a winner. If in pain you complain, you've already lost the battle.

Take pain as it comes. And move on.

There's a wall poster in my room that reads - The people who get places are the ones who keep moving.

So true.

derrrty

2010-06-06T15:53:00.000+05:30

how much anger can we actually contain?

I've been noticing this girl shouting out abuses at random unnamed people on Facebook, for reasons known only to her. she'd say 'you crazy ugly loon, stop eating up my space' with thousand angry smileys added. then she'd also say 'you suck, you loser'

When you read this, whats your immediate reaction? I stop to think, is that me she's talking about? Frankly!
And it's pretty annoying to keep reading such posts. Well I deleted her from my list cos recently she posted 'I must definitely enroll for anger management classes' accompanied with sarcastic tones and evil grins. tch tch. I get headaches.

I know i'm not the one to talk. I rant, day in and day out. There are times when I've wanted to go punch someone tight or tear somebody into pieces. I might have directed angry posts at them too ( I don't remember) But after reading her posts I feel quite disgusted.
Do you know some people 'act' angry because it creates fear in others? C'mon we do that with kids don't we? We raise our voices, roll our eyes, point our fingers, all in the hope that the kid will listen to us. But what is it that makes us want to get angry?

It's funny, but I get angry for things silly and irrelevant. There's this girl called Maharani (just so) who posts stuff like 'I have a car,' ' I can drive my little red car,' 'I had awesome food at the Taj' and so on.... like Taj is the end of the world or like no one except her can afford a car... I've wanted to slap her more than once. But in time, I realized, it's silly and I wasted some of my energy on anger.

Anger makes you hate. It makes you hurl abuses at people. It depresses you. It basically ruins your system. It makes you dirty. Derrrty!

Anycase, let us all practice the age old solution of controlling anger by counting upto 10. Slowly. If you are really angry, take your dumbbells and exercise! Atleast it'll do some good.

:D

Finally!

2010-05-28T14:42:00.001+05:30

I had been wanting to say this for soooo many eons, and here it is finally!

I'm engaged!

Yay!

I fail.

2010-05-05T22:42:00.000+05:30

sometimes I fail to understand the system... on one hand she says, this was designed for all to learn. I want everybody to do this and learn. Out of mistake you learn. And on the other hand she summons 'her' and tells her, "I don't trust others to do a good job, so you do this piece of work. I don't want anybody making a mistake in this regard."

Seriously. I fail to understand.

Priceless Paani Puri

2010-03-18T09:38:00.007+05:30

***The Cane and Cee series - PART 3***

I was getting back home from work in my personal auto rickshaw.

"Madam, we can't take the usual route. Nungambakkam is blocked. I'll take you via Pantheon."

'Uh uh ok ok'

As we crossed Greams Road, my eyes caught the attention of the various food joints and then there was this sudden hunger pang in me. I told myself, a BIG no, but it just wouldn't go. I had to eat something. I scanned my eyes quickly and found a chaat stop.

'Stop Selva anna. Take U turn please.'

"Ayyoo why madam?"

'please Selva anna*... I want to eat Paani* Puri.'

"Paani Puri means what madam?"

'i'll buy one for you, you please take the U turn'

"Ok madam" he spoke quickly as he zoomed past other vehicles and stood in line for the U turn.

Selva anna was my auto rickshaw driver since my college days. He knew everything about my college life and now he was a significant part of my work life too. My day begins with a missed call from selva, which means he is asking me if he should bring the auto at the usual regular time. If I return his missed call once, I mean to say yes. But if I give him 2 missed calls, it means I am taking an off.

Selva anna took the U turn and I quickly jumped off the auto.

'Get down anna, let's eat Paani Puri'

"No madam, this is a no parking area, you buy one parcel for me ok? I will park the auto little further down the road, you give missed call, I will come"

'Ok anna'

There were about 15 hungry men and women and about 5 kids around the simple Chaat seller's cart. The puri was stacked in a large steel container and the paani, one sweet paani and one spicy paani were stocked in large clay pots. A container with mashed potato, channa, papad, masala caught my eye and instantly my mouth watered.

'anna oru* plate Paani Puri'

Quickly he took one crispy puri, made a hole in it, stuffed it with potato, channa, masal, dipped it in the spicy and sweet paani and gave it to me in a small cup. With gleeful eyes, I took the puri and opened my mouth, when halfway through its journey to my mouth, it broke into two pieces and the paani fell down into my cup leaving me with one piece of the puri and messy hands.

And this was not all. Suddenly, this guy from nowhere comes forward to help me eat the puri. I looked at him and moved away.

Dude who is he to teach me how to eat a paani puri? I thought

"Miss, the minute you get the puri, you don't wait, you just stuff it into your mouth. The longer it stays in your plate, the soggier it becomes.. blah blah blah blah... bloo bloo bloo... more blah blah blah...more bloo bloo bloo..."

He just went on and on and on

"Ok, now let's do it again. anna one here please" he spoke to the chaat guy

The chaat guy performed his magic once again and produced a beauty of a puri

"C'mon Miss, you can do it"

'Oh k chuck this crack pot, let me try eating the puri and save my esteem by doing it the right way' I spoke to myself

The minute I got the Puri, I didn't think once about anybody or anything... I opened my mouth, to resemble a hippopotamus yawning and pushed the puri in through.

The flavors created music in my mouth. Loud bangs, soft soothing, then a sudden splurge of an orchestra.

I waited for the judgement.

"Yes you did it. anna, bring it on"

The chaat guy kept providing me with the wonderful puris and I kept stuffing it into my mouth. I would have eaten about 10! and I decided to stop.

'ENOUGH anna' I announced victoriously

"I'm Krishna" my paani puri guru spoke

'I'm Cee'

"Cee?"

'Yeah Cee, any problem?'

"No no, not at all. Do you come here often?" he asked

'hmm... no.. not often'

"Oh, well I come here once a week"

'Ok'

**long pause**

'Well, I gotta go' I claimed, as I took my phone to give Selva anna a missed call.

"Well..."

'Huh?'

"Never mind"

'Oh... Oh... Thank you Krishna!'

"Ha ha... You are welcome Cee" He smiled widely

'Ok then. Bye bye.'

Selva anna had arrived. I got in and we quickly made our way home.

In the auto, I thought to myself, that I actually liked that guy Krishna.

'Selva anna, tomorrow also same time. Bye'

"bye bye madam. And you forgot my parcel."

'I'm so sorry anna. Tomorrow I will surely get you one ok?'

"Ok madam. Bye"

So tomorrow I will go to the chaat stop. Let me see if I meet Krishna again.

*anna = brother, in tamil

*oru = one, in tamil

*paani = water, in hindi

Cane opens the file

2010-03-17T20:25:00.006+05:30

***The Cane and Cee series - PART 2***

**I waited impatiently for my doom as Cane opened the file**

Cane opened the file and just as he did, his phone rang.

Whew! I sighed in joy.

But my joy didn't last long. Cane started browsing through the documents as he was talking on the phone. But he did it in the most annoying manner. He closed the file, opened the file. closed it, opened it.

Every time he opened the file my heart shifted to my mouth, and every time he closed it, it went back in to wherever it was. He kept it doing it so much, that I sincerely prayed his phone conversation would end. I'd rather actually die than anticipating whether I will really die or not.

After a tense 10 mins his conversation came to an end.

He looked at me and smiled and said, "Sorry Cee, let's get back to work"

'Yes please get your gun ready' I smiled nervously

He skimmed through the documents one by one. Each time looking at me and looking back into the file. He closed the file and stared at me.

I stared back at him. He didn't blink once. I was shivering in fear. I looked down on the floor and studied the mosaic pattern. I slowly looked up and the same fixed frozen stare. His stare was enough to kill me.

'I'm sorry Sir.' I spoke in utmost fear

"You better be."

Hmmm... am I supposed to say anything more? apologize more?

"I don't have such a distorted smile Cee. Here, look at this." He showed the cartoon I drew of him.

ermm..

My jaw dropped.

"Go draw better cartoons. Go"

Cane and Cee

2010-03-16T20:30:00.018+05:30

***The Cane and Cee series - PART 1***

"Cee get that work done NOW! I want it on my table in 10 mins"

'Yes. Oh Yes Sir' making imaginary sounds in the head

I sit here and do all the work, and the least I can expect is a smile? Leave the friendly hand shake he gives to everybody else. And the shiny certificates the rest of them get for having 'slogged.'

humph.

I left the file on the table and quietly tip-toed out of Cane's room.

We called him Cane becos sometimes he would lash out his tongue so hard it hurt real bad.

Cane promptly stopped me, and dragged me into his room.

"Now, Cee let us sit and analyse."

ANALYSE?!!!!!!

I tore my hair in mourning. An analysis of my work would mean outright dissection of every tiny bit of information I keyed into those documents.

"Sit down Cee"

As I sat down in absolute disagreement, I saw the file on Can'e table.

'WHAT???? I am sure to be hanged' I thought to myself. I almost screamed out loud.

That file had all the cartoons I had made of Cane. Cane doing his grumpy antics, he blasting us, he making monkeys faces and all things nasty about him.

That file was a fire cracker waiting to burst!

'Cane will KILL me. I didn't even get to say a decent goodbye to the other brats'

I waited impatiently for my doom as Cane opened the file.

my dear potato friend

2010-03-07T23:41:00.003+05:30

you've been with me all through my graduation days...

when J was scribbling letters and numerals to form ammonia and acids

whose names I barely remember now

you were there...

when T called the test tube a testis.. you were there

oh potato friend... you even made RS realize I was not fit to do chemistry

but fine arts

or physics

or anything else..

you always stood up for me dear potato friend...

you are my mirror image

slightly skewed

but still.

This is a tribute to you.

This is how I look now

(and dear friends... No, I'm not drunk!)

Hey control freak...

2010-02-17T21:32:00.002+05:30

not you.

Someone called me and few others one. and in my tiny head, this is how I reacted " HA HA HA HA HA"

No! I don't laugh because I'm arrogant. I laugh because it's true! at least, to some extent.

Ha ha ha.

(I must stop. Really!)

a rainbow

2010-02-13T20:56:00.002+05:30

Ive seen a rainbow exactly 5 times in my life... you will agree that it's a very beautiful sight indeed... the day a rainbow appears, I know I love the weather outside. However, I don't know if I'm color blind, or otherwise, I've seen only three colors on it... red, blue and yellow... and most times the yellow, I think, was the tint of the sunlight... but I've loved rainbows...

currently my life is in a rainbow phase, my rainbow,... pleasant weather and mood but occasional bursts of these colors that seem to play and draw impressions... sometimes red when things don't go right and my patience is tested... sometimes blue when I'm sad and depressed and yellow when I laugh... and sometimes all three...

but whatever, my life is pretty beautiful now... (I'm usually not this positive) of course there are ups and downs, but total score= excellent!

2 months into 2010

2010-02-05T22:13:00.001+05:30

and I don have THE time :(

Ajith wants to meet Naaz...

2009-12-10T08:54:00.015+05:30

I was sitting by my window wondering what my life was coming to. I had a job, I had a super awesome friend, I had a loving family but something was missing from my life.

It was almost 5 years since Dev and I stopped talking. After the cultural event at IIT... I struggled to find him and after 3 months of efforts, I found him. We had no social networking sites then, and I wasn't too much of a Google surfer... but I found him and it was not an entirely pleasant meeting....

****

I was sitting on a wooden bench at St. Vincent De Paul's... I told the security guards, I had come to check out the diploma courses being offered... they believed me and let me in... I was sitting by the chapel and waiting for the Physics class to be dismissed... 'his class gets over at 1:15 and he comes this way' Bharghavi informed me, as told by her friend from the same college...She opted to stay out, to avoid overwhelming him. I liked that. I wanted to meet him alone.

The bell rang and I saw students walking out... My eyes searched for Dev... I spotted him... he was wearing a white shirt and brown khakis... his hair neatly combed, calculating something in his mind.... suddenly everything else became blur... I could only see him.. the gentle wind playing with his soft hair... an occasional dimple.... I lost myself, ONCE AGAIN.... Dev... with whom I fell in love at first sight and every single sight...

'Dev'

"Yeah?" He spoke, and even as he did, my heart skipped a beat.

'Hi!' I spoke softly

"erhmmm...." he mumbled in doubt

Is he pretending? Or did he really forget me?

'Naaz... Remember?'

"Not really" he spoke with confidence

'Oh Ok' I said... and tears started swelling...

'I was waiting to see you Dev and now you say you don't remember me... you know it hurts Dev.. it hurts so bad... forgive me cos I hurt you too... but it was not such a big crime....' I was wailing in silence

I started walking away... I was ashamed of myself... I wanted to kick myself so hard...

"Naaz" that heavenly voice spoke...."Naaz wait...."

I turned back and saw Dev... He was running towards me... a smile on his face... the smile I yearned for...

"So? Madam? Felt like seeing me only now?"

I was started crying loudly now... like an idiot... I was stupid to have thought Dev was serious about having forgotten me... His classmates blinked at him and he assured them that everything was fine... he held me by my arm and pushed me to a corner....

"Stop crying Naaz..." he consoled me

'I'm so sorry Dev... I really am...'

"Sorry for what? I'm sorry for not informing you that I was leaving... I'm so sorry Naaz..."

'No I'm sorry...'

"Ok c'mon... No more sorries! Remember No thanks! No Sorry! between friends.... your philosophy!"

I laughed. And that's when I realized Dev was still holding me. I stopped and looked at him.

'It's hurting me... you are strong....' I spoke trying to ease myself out of his grip.

He roared in laughter. Our hearts were at peace.

"I left behind a note with my number and contact details for you with the security guard. Didn't you get it?"

'WHAT??? NOOOO! I didn't! I will murder him! I really will....'

"We'll ask Bhargavi to do that... cos I don't want you to go to jail..."

'Well, HA HA HA. Good joke Mr. Dev. If that's the case then I might as well murder you too!" Bhargavi spoke.

'Bhargavi!' I squealed in joy.

'You dare sideline me, mister and miss!!!' she demanded.

"Erhmm... I won't. Sorry we won't." Dev assured her.

'I' was slowly becoming 'we' and I felt a sudden sting of pain that I cannot describe... it was a pain that brought with it immense happiness...

****

Dev and I started going out, though not very often and Bhargavi would always tag along. During times when Bhargavi wouldn't make it, we'd go to the beach and play scrabble. We loved playing scrabble together. I always defeated Dev. Though sometimes I felt he let me win.

Dev and I never really fell in love. Though it's not completely true. I fell in love with one the first day. But I don't know what love's definition is. For me it was joy. Peace. And losing myself. We were happy in each other's company. But, one day, even that was gone. After that...my heart was always heavy... like I had lost something really dear...

I had a new friend in my life now, Ajith. Dev's sibling. Weird, but though it feels like I'm so close to getting in touch with Dev again, it still seems far impossible... After our meeting in the train, we exchanged our phone numbers.

I never call him, but Ajith never fails to text me every morning wishing me a great morning. I don't always reply back, but he makes sure I'm reminded of him everyday! Today I was going to meet him at a coffee shop... he wanted to talk...

Since morning I have this numb feeling... the hesitance, the doubts... I had been sitting by my window aimlessly watching birds fly and people walk....thinking what my life was coming to...

What is he going to talk? Is it about Dev? What had Dev told Ajith about me?

The thought was killing me.

Please let them know it's Christmas....

2009-12-10T08:21:00.003+05:30

I'm just listening to an awesome carol... 'Do they know it's Christmas time' - Band Aid

they say at Christmas time we have fun and luxury.... but there's a world out there where the only water flowing is the bitters tears...and the greatest gift they'd get for Christmas is probably 'life' ... how true... the song is in context to Africa specifically... but one can relate it to any place, even home...

Ok no sadness... just pray for all the people who are suffering....and let them know it's Christmas, the time for hope and love :)

I want to make some things clear...

2009-12-09T23:15:00.002+05:30

First - I'm not a show off! Trust me... I keep quiet about a lot of things...

After reading this some people might think ' Oh.. too much... thinks she's too rich... bleh bleh :P'

So-- No! I cannot pay someone a penny as salary cos I don't have a job myself... I was just so irritated with that idiot that in my eyes he fell so low, I imagined he was earning peanuts... so 5 times more peanuts?, Yes I can afford that! :D

That was it :P So all of you who think I have airs... THAT'S A BLATANT LIE :D

Yay! December is here!

2009-12-01T20:58:00.007+05:30

I love December. I love it so much, that I have this feeling that December belongs to me. And only me. Pure obsession. Well, in my world it's perfectly fine :)

I grew up listening to Christmas carols all through the month of December. My father always brought back from his trips great cartoons on Christmas and Christmas Carol CDs. As Christmas got closer my house would become brighter and prettier. When I was old enough to carry objects I started decorating my house and room and everything I wanted to decorate, with ribbons and ornaments and stars and candles and light. Even my flower pots got decorated. Soon I learn't how to bake cakes and started baking my own versions of Christmas cakes. Though, I must admit they're not very yummy:P There is never a dearth for good food in my house, but during Christmas you'll find me chomping food like a routine breathing session (And not a sign of guilt!) Sigh.

But December is not only about Christmas for me... it's about birthdays and wedding anniversaries too! My dad's b'day, my b'day, my parent's wedding anniversary, Christmas and of course new year's eve... December is like an entire package of goodies!

Even as I talk about it, I am excited! So, here's welcoming My December! :)

I hope December brings good cheer and warmth to your hearts as well :)

In this colorful world

2009-11-29T22:17:00.003+05:30

an idiot once told me... 'I don't know why you work here, may be a financial need or commitment'

I thought to myself... 'you loser... if you quit this job and work for me I can pay you 5 times more.'

and he took the liberty to comment like this, becos I wasn't fashion conscious nor was I some party animal nor did I 'LOOK' rich! From the way I dressed it was almost impossible to guess I didn't really care about how much I was paid and that my family ever needed a penny from my end. If they expect me to work, the extra bit I can do for them is do my job well... I can't really take the trouble to look like a pompous super model multitasking between looks and work and still do it well. I always dressed well. But never rich. I didn't need to. I wasn't looking to attract someone and all that (You get it!)

Bl**dy colored world look at you from the outside.

Go eat rotten apples!

Love builds bridges where there are none. -R. H. Delaney

2009-11-02T22:16:00.003+05:30

I sat down to post something and then I engaged myself in some random work and then I completely forgot what I wanted to post! WTH!
So this post is just going to be random. The title has nothing to do with the content, except that I agree with it.

Off late I'm being subject to a lot of surprises... when I heard she (someone I know) got married, it absolutely took me by surprise and I was further taken aback when I learnt she got married to a boy her folks selected for her! I always believed she'd chose her own destiny. Guess, life brings with it some sweet throws.
Almost every month there is a wedding invite in my mail box - I'm tired of fretting over what I should wear, whom I will meet and and all that...
Suddenly, my classmates are all getting married and some having kids!
All of this is making me feel really old. But with all these weddings happening everywhere I'm getting this weird feeling that I should get married too...
and then these feelings intensify and I just sit and hope, I should get married soon, somehow!

Like a retard!

Sigh...

All Is Fair In Love! (A booklet in flash - Click on page folds to read)

2009-11-01T00:20:00.002+05:30

The winner stands alone~

2009-10-27T19:56:00.001+05:30

mad or what?

2009-10-22T19:14:00.004+05:30

A question that has been posed many times and to which I sometimes don't have an answer to.
I mean, what should I say?
No - I'm not mad? (usually this is the answer that draws to the conclusion that you are really mad. Mad people always say they are not mad :D)
Yes - I'm mad (and this is the confirmation!)

So what do I say?
When I stay up all night to finish some assignment, my friends ask me 'aye loosu aa nee?' (translates into: are you mad?)
Then when I say something like "I'm going to diet" they ask 'hahaha... are you mad?' (this I can understand!)
When I ask them things like, 'hey you cooked this dish yourself?' they reply 'Nooo...mad or what?'

Hmmm!

Sometimes, people call others names like 'Mental case,' 'Looosu,' 'mad female'... LOL! that too lovingly... :D

I ask, are they mad or what?

My tailor rocks!

2009-10-14T23:25:00.003+05:30

He stitched all my dresses in 10 days! Totally cool... the other tailor - you are too uncool!

This has been a bad blogging year :(

In a world without Facebook and the like...

2009-10-08T23:27:00.005+05:30

there wouldn't be so many buyers of digital cameras... there wouldn't be so many people taking pictures of their little red shoes or new headphones or flaunt a new haircut or a stray cat or change their display pic every 2 days...
Imagine a world without Facebook (cos I'm in India)... I wouldn't feel the need to take pics of my friends when writing an assignment or I wouldn't feel the need to take pics of my new coffee mug...or walk into an eatery and take millions of pics with us holding the food or trying to feed eachother or just laughing and having fun...even if it only means to create envy on someone's eye... I wouldn't feel the need to carry a camera everywhere I went.
In a world without Facebook, I would have taken pictures that really mean something and then frame it. Put them together in an album and keep it safely.
In a world without FB, I wouldn't show my pics to some random chick from my school who didn't even speak to me back then.
If FB didnt exist I wouldn't tell the world, the time I go to sleep and the time I wake up... the time I'm frustrated and the time I feel elated...
I would have rather called my friend and shared my feelings...
In a world without Facebook and the like... I probably would have just carried on with life without being affected in any way though I may have seemed boring to many...
but it wouldn't matter to me, anyways!
In a world without FB I would have never discovered that those whom I thought I knew, I really didn't know.

when you're alone in the dark...

2009-08-30T22:37:00.002+05:30

why does a scene from 'that' horror movie start playing?
esp in a hotel.
Luck always plays hard on me. I always end up getting the last room on the corridor, and surprisingly enough, the corridor is very calm and LONELY! It always happens.
sometimes I wish, hotels would really go to the extent of bringing some life on the corridor, like someone selling groundnuts or tea.
A says "NOOO! That's even scarier. What if he kills you?"
Yeah right!
The fear of walking alone on a bloody lonely corridor with possible psychos living right across your room is suicidal enough. what if doors fling open?
When I walk to my room, I always have a feeling that some door will just open up and a little pale white boy will smile at me and then show me his knife.
Ahhhhh!
Then I chant S.A's (St. Antony) name. Also, Jesus, St. Jude, sometimes my own name in fear.
Sometimes I run. Point A: Elevator. Point B: My room. In one shot, I run.
And then, sometimes, I do the most foolish thing. I walk backwards.
Like anticipating the sudden appearance of a potential murderer or ghost. I did that once, and a guy did show up. He had a cup of coffee in his hand. He saw me walking like that, and got scared. He ran away. I ran faster, backwards.
Like a moron.
As soon as I reached my room, I yelped. Then did some jumping in joy. I got back alive. Even if it meant that every time he saw me, he'd look at me as though I needed to be at the rehab. Badly.
Worth it, anyways.

Still not gotten over the fear. It freaks me out to walk corridors, to sit in the room alone at night. You'll oft find me disturbing sleeping family members. In desperate efforts to stay nocturnal yet safe.
At 3 AM, our house is pretty well illuminated.

Bottomline: I should stop watching horror movies.

In a frame...

2009-08-30T22:02:00.003+05:30

frozen emotions convey a lot of messages. bring back memories. flush out the bad. put you to sleep. peace.
just wondering if having possessed a digi cam in school would have filled my sometimes empty frames? May be.
I would have taken a shot of my friends at lunch time. probably would have taken a shot of my lecturer taking the trouble to 'dress up' to school, girls school. would have taken trillions of shot of SS. He is my hero! I would have taken more shots of my classroom, lab, the place where I sat... possibly everything within the scope.
fading memory is not quite a faithful friend. images become blurry and soon blend with the nothing.
well, as long as I'm still able to bend down to pick up something I dropped, my memories will stay fresh.
my frames have some definition. but they will cease to exist. someday.

got it.

2009-08-28T19:02:00.001+05:30

I'm busy.
I fall sick on and off.
I talk lots.
I bunk college.
I make fun of people.
I make fun of myself.
I workout.
I eat like a pig.
I don't fight. Anymore.
I trust.
I'm happy.

I don't blog.

touch touch

2009-08-13T22:53:00.003+05:30

I saw millions of pics on a SNS today and it suddenly struck me that too much of 'touchings' are happening these days.
'Touchings' I call it, but all it means is that people cannot take their hands off each other while posing for pics.
I come from a family that strictly forbids me to go to discos, booze parties... (you get the picture)... I never complain. Becos they never forbid me from having fun. My definition of fun and theirs match perfectly. We love traveling and eating good food. We love shopping. We love everything, we love.
But somehow, both my family and I hate such gestures of holding people in arms... you must be thinking our pictures must be a piece of boring non-sense... but no... !! :) We have some really beautiful portraits!

Let me clarify, 'touchings' refers to an act that involves subjects from 2 different sexes, holding eachother!

So I was telling you, I saw millions of pics on a SNS today and got thoroughly confused. I thought 'she' was seeing somebody but then 'she' was pouting her lips and projecting her 'oomph' with every single guy in that picture.
I don't know which 'lover' likes to see his sesky gf being held provocatively by some random dude. Or am I missing something? Trust?
Even if they trust eachother so much, DUDE... he's still touching and feeling your GF! Uff!

Or may be, Social Networking Sites have just brought out the 'need-to-be-noticed' syndrome in people.

I don't get irritated or frustrated seeing this, but I have been thinking a lot about this. People 'touching' and people dressing up atrociously for a coffee!

This post probably makes u think, I'm OLD and narrow minded... but I'm just a spectator. And a spectator who has the power to express her opinions.
Ok, the point you should take from this post, I don't like anybody touching me! :)

I should have been born with my grandparents! :D

this has never happened

2009-07-22T22:56:00.002+05:30

though there have been times when Ive just sat staring at this empty space called 'create new post' and simply closed the window after sometime because nothing blog-worthy struck my mind.
But something of this sort has never happened before. Me forgetting my own blog's URL.

GASP!

It took me almost 10 mins to recollect this URL! You may feel like punching me and telling me, 'duh, you could have just logged on to blogger.com.' But you see I never log in. I just visit my page.

Coming to the point. I forgot my blog URL.

I can't come to terms with it! :D

Early wedding plans...

2009-04-22T23:14:00.004+05:30

I HAVE to get married at some point, you know. I was going through some garb in my desk and found a tiny chit of paper that read, 'I will not get married because I don't like boys.' The date indicated that I had written it down when I was barely 13. I have no idea why I wrote that and I find it very funny now.
So the other day we (mother, bro and I) were discussing where I will settle after I get married, how I will cook for A and whether at all I will cook for him in the mornings, will he be the first person to wake up, will I still be a cry baby... and then it struck us that first there has to be a wedding for which guests have to be invited. So we started throwing in names of people likely to be invited for 'my' wedding...
"Atleast a 70 from my end" declared my brother.
"What? It is MY wedding and NOT yours. You're inviting all your friends? "
"Ya YA!"
"Hmm... All the Patels will come, Menons, Nairs, Reddy, kitty friends, Nanwani, Lalwani, Budhrani... ok so all 'wanis'... Daddy's business friends, all our family friends, your lecturers from school and college, Kerala relatives, Kanyakumari relatives, Bangalore relatives, relatives overseas, Daddy's classmates, A's family, A's relatives from all over...
blah blah.."
For the next 10 mins my mother went on and on and on...

"Ok stop... "
So far the number was touching 1000 odd...
"What about my friends?"
"Oh sorry. We'll include the 15 of them..."
"That's a gross underestimate"
"Ok, 30 then"
"I don't think YOUR friends will even come" somebody murmured.

For a rough estimate the numbers were really huge and soaring.
"Erhm... you think we can accomodate such a large number in T? I mean will they cook for SO many people?"
"They'll probably close down the hotel..."
"WHAT? No. They'll probably not entertain us."
"So the only option we'll have is have it in a mandapam?"
"Nooooooo..."
"No other option"
"No... let's not come to that conclusion. Let's see."
"BTW when is the wedding?"
"WHAT?"
"We have the groom. We have the bride. So when is the wedding?"
"We have them both. But the bride is NOT ready. Ok?"
"Weight issues."
"YES!"
"But seriously when is the wedding?"
"Who knows. Next year?"
"This is too much. Making plans so early. We have like a lifetime more."
"Monnae (dear son), this one year will fly away like a second..."
"OK you are scaring me. I need many thousands of seconds to work out and lose weight."
"Hehehe"
"The list is scary."
"Yes. Let's chuck H's friends. Too many guys will cause too much noise."
"Ya? Why don't you get married under water then."

And the conversation continues... There's no fixed date... but 'wedding' is a fun topic to discuss and plan on! :)

a comment

2009-04-08T10:18:00.005+05:30

This is how someone extremely concerned and disturbed about my post on tattoo, commented:

"Everything I have heard come from your mouth makes me dumber It is an art and self expression I hope one day you go into a dark alley and there be a guy with a tattoo gun and jabs it into your damn eye if you have such a problem then just pop your pills and die already we the people do not need you on this planet or any other for that matter you make me sick... you are sickening just to hear your words make me glad I am free and not owned by your dumb ass... I hope the maggots of a thousand fly's infest your being... You trashy ass clown!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

First: this person leaves an anonymous comment - is that being coward or COWARD?
second: the same someone curses ME for expressing MY views and frustration on MY blog!
third: the person says he/she has become DUMBER because of every word he/she heard from my mouth - So this person was only DUMB earlier. hahahahahaha
Four: He/she happens to think I WILL definitely go into a dark alley all by myself!
Five: He/she is glad that she/he is not owned by my dumb ass - does that make sense? I don't think my ass owns anybody! hahaha!

LOL!

Your comment doesn't bother me. I'm just surprised that you got so angry but had NOT the guts to surface and be a man (or woman)! We have many like you here who just sit and curse but don't do anything :) because you don't have the guts to come out! :)

BTW I'm glad a wide cross section of people are reading my blog!

Saree... eeerrrrrrrrr

2009-03-22T22:01:00.004+05:30

My teachers think I'm a rebel.
My classmates think I'm a snob.
My family thinks I'm silly.
My A doesn't mind.

But I hate the sight of a Saree. I hate wearing a Saree. I hate to hear the word Saree.

I lost count on the number of times I have cried because 'somebody' asked me to wear a Saree. I have pulled my hair and stomped on the floor because 'someone' claims Saree is a professional dress code and I should follow the code.

Ironically you'll never find a picture of me sulking in a Saree. Leading to the thought, that I'm probably happy wearing one. But, the truth is, even if I'm wearing rags, if I'm asked to stand still for a pic, I'll smile.

Saree suits some people. On me, a Saree looks like a blanket. I just can't drape it around. Even today, my mother drapes it for me. Even if it comes out well, I cannot carry myself in it. I will stoop down looking like a hunch back, pull down my pallu continuously like a maniac, hit my forehead and so on.

I have psychological issues with wearing a Saree. The day I wear one, I'll get back home in the evening and just rip it apart. I have torn so many Sarees in the act. I can't help it.

And no one understands. Except A. And my mother knows too.

I don't know how to overcome this phobia or rather an itching irritation. After typing so many 'Saree' I feel sick already.

I can already imagine how I will look on my wedding day. Poor A.

When Naaz and Dev met...

2009-03-04T23:16:00.003+05:30

Traveling can be fun when you are with friends and when you have no real destination in mind. Just mindless trips. But I hated traveling. And traveling alone was like being subjected to some kind of a punishment. I am mostly not comfortable with large crowds and I always keep imagining I'll end up with a creep beside me. I checked the passenger list chart outside the train compartment. Naaz Zachariah, female 26, B 49. I got into the train and found my seat.
'Lower berth. shucks' I cursed.
I liked upper berths. Gave me some kind of a privacy.
'I'll ask someone to exchange their berth with me.' I thought
I sat by the window, watching families talking to their loved ones in the train.
"Don't stay out too late. Eat well. Don't eat anything spicy. Remember what the doctor told you" a mother was advising her son.
"Call me as soon as you reach" a lover was saying.
"Madam biscuits? Chips? Samosa?" a boy asked.
'No'
"Please madam. Please" he begged
'No. Leave'
He mumbled something till he got chased out of compartment.
''These guys are not suppose to enter the AC compartment'' spoke an elderly person.
The announcement was made. The train was to leave in 10 minutes. A mother and her baby son occupied the opposite berth. I smiled at her. She smiled back but she had tears in her eyes.
I looked out to see who had come to send her off and saw an elderly couple waving goodbye, tears welling in their eyes.
'Parents?' I wanted to ask. But left it at that. Let her cry, I thought. Crying helps.

I remembered the day Dev walked away.

****

'Bhargavi what do I do man? I just hurt him.'
"why did you throw the straw?"
'I don't know. You know how I am. I don't share such things with people.'
"You know Naaz. That minute he was with you, he was not 'people,' he was yours."
'No I don't get it.'
"You won't Naaz. He tried to come closer to you. And you just pushed him away."
'See I like him. I liked him the first instance I saw him. But this is the second time I'm meeting him. I can't share the same straw or spoon or anything.'
"Ok leave it. Let's find him. And you say sorry."
'Yes I will. I feel awful.'

We looked for him everywhere. But in vain. And who are we to blame? You can't find an elephant in that mad crowd.

I didn't speak a word throughout. I just kept thinking about that one moment he tried to get closer to me. And that poor guy only attempted to share a drink with me.
But to me it would have meant the weirdest thing in the world. May be I didn't deserve to be loved.

"Naaz let's go check if he is in his room."
'Ok'
I'm a fool. I'm a fool. It was after all a bloody drink. It was not a kiss or anything.

"Erhmm, is Dev Mathew available?"
"You are?"
"His friend. Friends. Bhargavi and Naaz."
"Extension number?"
"What?"
"Whats his extension number?"
"I don't know."
"I'm sorry I can't help you."
"Please sir. He studies in Vincent De Paul. He is staying here just for 2 days. He may be leaving today."
"Oh then he might have left. Theiryala. (Don't know)"
"Sir please check the register and see if he is still here."
"Seri seri. (OK OK)"
He ran his fingers across pages and rested them on one name. The person I fell in love with at first sight.
"Dev Mathew. He has just left."

My heart sank. I cried. I don't know why.

"Did he do something to you? Why are you crying?" the security guard asked.

Bhargavi pulled me away.
"Naaz. Stop crying. You can't cry like this. Come let's go. We'll find a way."
'I feel miserable Bhargavi. I hurt him.'
"No you didn't. People don't leave for such things. May be his bus was about to leave. Be positive. Come let's get back home."

I kept crying on my way back home. I kept thinking about his face. His smile. The connect. Everything. I thought about my life without his smile. It was like a dream. Dev was my dream come true. But I had ruined my dream.

I ran up to my room as soon as I reached home and Bhargavi left me alone.
She told me, "Crying helps. Cry it out. But call me as soon as you are done."

****

'My name is Naaz. Your son is very adorable. What's his name?' I asked the lady as the train slowly pulled off.
"I'm Arpita. This is Arpan. He is 6 months old."
'Arpan is very handsome. He'll grow to attract pretty women' I laughed.
She laughed away her tears.
I looked away into the dark space outside the window. The station lights far away now seemed like a tiny little spot.
"Daughter, is this your berth?" asked an elderly woman.
'Yes it is aunty' I replied.
"Will it be ok if my husband would exchange his ticket with you? He'd prefer a lower berth. His is an upper berth. Broken back."
'There's no need to explain Aunty. I can understand. He can sit here. I'll take his place.'
"Thank you very much daughter."
'Please don't mention it aunty.'
I exchanged my ticket with the old gentleman who also did not fail to thank me and took my luggage.
'Bye Arpan.' I waved at the little baby.
His mother took his hands and made him wave back at me.
'So cute' I thought.

I found my seat. But I also found 2 handsome guys sitting alongside.
I was hesitant initially, but it was too late now. I sat down.
I told myself I'd never indulge in a conversation.
To my surprise, they took no notice of my very presence. They kept yapping away discussing things which made no sense to me.
'Good. I can read a book' I thought
I took out a book I had kept reserved for train travels. Ulysses.
"Hey is this book good?" someone asked
I knew it was one of the two. I pretended to not hear and continued reading.
"Hey you, kannadi (spectacled one)" they giggled.
'What?' I almost yelled.
"Sorry. We used humor to distract you."
'I'm sorry, was that a joke? Because I didn't find it funny.'
Don't fight. Don't fight.
"Erhm, so is the book any good."
'May be.'
"Ok. I'm Pradeep."
'I'm not interested.'
"Nice name there."
'OMG even this is not funny.'
"No one said its a joke." They laughed.
'Fine. what do you want?'
"Nothing. Just thought you'd be interested in talking."
'Apparently, I'm not.'
"Chal yaar, chodd na. Bechari bahut akeli hogi." (Leave it friend, she must be lonely.)
Ya they think I can't follow Hindi. Let them ramble on.
"Sundar hai yaar. Socha tha impress kar loonga." (She is pretty. thought I could impress her.)
That's it. I'm not holding it any longer. Before they start describing anything.
'Mujhe bhi Hindi aatha hai' (I can follow Hindi)
They kept quiet for sometime.
"I'm sorry" Pradeep spoke.
'For?'
"For offending you."
'That's ok.'
"Friends?"
'Do I look interested?' I asked
"But why? Let me tell you, I'm not a creep."
'I didn't ask.'
"We're a Vincent De Paul alumni."
those words hit me hard. but I hid my emotions.
'Oh. Good.'
"That's all? You say Good?"
'Yes. I'm from Clare's'
"Ohhhhh!!! Then we are definitely friends."
'So I guess I should get on to my berth. Will read my book in peace.'
"Ok. BTW this is Ajith, my friend from college."
'Hi Ajith. I'll be off now.'

I lay down on my berth and read.

"Dude she said Hi to you" Pradeep spoke.
"Let's not discuss her. I know her." Ajith spoke.
He knew me? I moved closer to the edge.
"How?"
"I told you let's not discuss her."
He looked up to see if I was listening, but with one quick move I moved my head back into place.
How does he know me? This is killing me now.

I don't remember when I fell asleep. My book was lying on Pradeep's lap.
What's my book doing there? I asked him firmly.
I started imagining he'd have flicked it from me when I was asleep.
'You creep. Give it back.' I yelled
"Relax Naaz. It fell down yesterday."
OMG he knew my name. I didn't want to get down. I looked for the other guy, Ajith. He was nowhere in sight.
I got down slowly and took my book away. I didn't look at Pradeep.
"Hi there" Ajith spoke.
'Listen, how the hell do you know me? Tell me?' I yelled
"Relax."
'No. Sorry. You tell me.'
"I have never met you in person. But I have seen your pic."
'My pic? where?'
In my brother's room.
'Your brother?'
"Tea?"
'No. Your brother?'
"Pradeep, pass me some cookies will ya?"
"Sure dude. Here."
Ajith was lying. I knew. I didn't ask him anything else. I was not desperate. And even if I was, I was not going to show it out to him. The creep.

After 30 long minutes, I was to get down. I took my luggage out and walked away. I didn't say a word to those creeps. I stood near the door praying I'd never see them again.

I got down and walked without placing one glance behind.

"Naaz... wait." someone yelled.
It must be that creep.
I continued walking.
"Naaz..."
I turned back and saw Ajith running towards me.
Gosh, he must be running to tell me something stupid. I hoped he'd slip and fall.
"Here."
'What is this? A photo?'
"See the photo."
'Yeah bleh.'

What I saw didn't anger me or bring shock...

What I saw made me feel weird...

It was my Dev hugging Ajith.

Ajith Mathew, Dev's sibling.

Morning with ARR

2009-02-23T22:24:00.008+05:30

First things first: Sir, please accept my hearty congratulations.

Yaah, like he's going to read it. Well! Still!

I was studying mass communication models, when I saw him holding that golden curvy beauty in his hands.
Oh Yes! We've made it, my heart jumped. No one deserves it more than you man. You're the best.
Tiny tears taking shape.

Voices at the back: Oh Great! Rahman is THE man. But what's so great about the music in this movie?
T.V guy: Yes. Not great. Not great at all.
Student: Yes! Not all that great. I don't seem to attach to it at all. Yuvraaj sounds much better!

Rahman: Ellam Pugazhum Iraivanukkey.
(All glory to God)

Voices: Did you hear that? He spoke in Tamil!
Catching up: Yes. He did. But don't be so excited about it because it might sound like you're insecure or something.
Voices: No. See it IS a big deal! How many people do that?
Mumble: Proud day for Tamilians huh?
T.V Guy: Say India.
Mumble: Yeah when we win Oscars we are India. When we make a mistake, we are Tamilians.

Closing the book: Yes. You're right. Not many do that. Especially in a world where some people even feel ashamed to call themselves Tamil speaking.
Voices: Yes. They fear isolation. They think it's got to do with backward class or color or the language itself. Chi.
Opening the book: OMG. I can use this to explain the Spiral of Silence.
Voices: The Spiral of what?
Recollecting: The Spiral of Silence. Some people tend to remain silent when they feel that their views are in the minority, for fear of isolation.
Voices: Full marks. Good.

All eyes on T.V: Great. We finally got an Oscar. But wish it was for an Indian movie.
T.V Guy: Well it is about India. Slums and all.
Glaring woman: Well what do you expect the slave master to see?
T.V Guy: Slave master?
Glaring Woman: The British. Who else? 'Oh let's go to India, the SLUM country.' They only see beggars and slums or what?
T.V Guy: You know slave master sounds so funny.
Pretending student: Ya. But makes sense tho. We were slaves. They were the masters. Sigh.
T.V Guy: Ok leave that. I don't think the music's great. ARR should have won the Oscars years back. Na?
All: Absolutely.

Getting up: Ya like for RDB or something. Oh, for Ayutha Ezhuthu (Yuva) or Lagaan too. Cha. He should have got the Oscars long back. Stupid hypocrites, them Whites.
T.V Guy: No stereotypes.
Walking away: Oh yes. No stereotypes. I'll remember that. But I want to be like ARR. Want to acknowledge my tongue in front of scores of people who don't even understand the language.
Mum: Want to be like ARR it seems. Go dust your keyboard first. Sorry, go keyboard the DUST.

Me: Let's look at News Diffusion model.

Red & Red and other hues...

2009-02-11T18:51:00.005+05:30

I love it when the color red becomes the prime focus of an occasion. I know of only 3 occasions where red takes the royal seat. Christmas, Valentines day and Indian weddings. Roses, hearts, ornaments, pretty gift wraps and everything else looks so rich and divine in dense red. I even found cup cakes in red. What a beauty!
You can find the recipe to this and many other valentine specials, here.

This Valentines day, I have nothing much to do than go to college and sleep. Valentines Day has never really excited us (A&I), because we think there needn't be one day to celebrate love. True!
But that doesn't stop us from doing little things for each other. We usually send out e-cards or letters. I think letters mean a lot. And when you read them sometime in the future, it strikes you how much you have grown since then or you simply cry. Letters preserve your present, your current state of mind. Don't you think?

Now there's one other thing to all this Valentine's Red. The unnecessary marketing and promotion of things one really doesn't need. I mean, you don' t need to buy cards for 100 odd bucks each. Or teddies priced so much that you wallet skips a beat. Or Roses in exchange for your sweat.
The money we spend, really makes the heart bleed. That's red too ;)
What's worse is, you start feeling that if you don't buy a teddy or roses or perfume or cakes or wine, you've not completely done justice to the day. Valentines day can be fun even without the bucks. You make the choice.

I have nothing against this day, because Love is a very beautiful emotion. I just don't believe in indulging too much. I don't give in to the pressures of marketers! :D

I love how everything is Red. I just love the feel. Red gives some kind of a soothing warmth.

Happy Valentines Day!

If I was God...

2009-02-08T20:53:00.004+05:30

I highly doubt the possibility of the same happening becos then the world would be filled with all 'fake' good people, I'm a sucker at judgments.

I'm anyway gonna post this assuming someone made a mistake of giving me the choice.

I was made to think on this since class 9. Back then I used to listen to the radio at nights, that's when they'd play English songs. Not that I was a fan or anything but I didn't have anything else to do. Besides, I particularly liked one RJ who had the most amazing voice. The show encouraged callers who'd dial in and then were asked to answer questions just to add the 'glitter.'
I dialed in one day. And 'that' man answered my call. My heart skipped a beat. The question that day was, 'If you were God for a day...'
I can't believe I said what I said.
'I'd become a guy and see what it feels like to be one.' ?!!??!!
See I assumed when I become God I'd still be a 'girl.'
That guy just said, 'Oh hmm.' He must have thought, 'where do these people come from?'

Today I want to give it some serious thought.

10 things I would do if I was God:

1. Not have too many planets. I don't want kids to study 'My Very Educated Mother Just Showed Us Nine Planets.' It'd just be, I know there's only one planet and no one need show it to me.
2. I'd name the sole planet 'Life' and trademark it.
3. Wipe away headaches.
4. Come and live on 'life' and not set up a drama by proclaiming I'm in heaven and that you have to die in order to see me. There's no heaven or good or bad associated with it. You can see me whenever you want to. You probably have to take an appointment though.
5. I won't send you to hell if you do something bad. There's no hell. I'll just let your parents slap you.
6. You won't be allowed to hit your parents back. Hah! How's that?
7. You won't have to worry about weight because while I am your God nobody puts on any unwanted weight. Nobody gets that hungry in our world. And even if you do, you always crap all the excess fat!
8. I will not allow girls and boys fighting for things like pink is cool or machines rock bleh bleh. Everyone respects the other person's opinion.
9. I will make sure everybody understands everything, be it science, commerce or anything. No one remains in the dark or be a subject of ridicule or be termed indifferent or ignorant.
10. If there's one orphan there will be one childless parent, so they can meet and set up their world. So, in our world there won't be any orphanages.
11. If a beloved leaves you I won't let you cry so much that you become miserable. You'll always have me.
12. There's no limit to creativity in our world. Absolutely.
Like there's no limit to just keeping my points to 10.
13. You can go for walks alone at night. There's no ghost/ rapist/murderer/ psycho. I straightened the heads.
14. All competitions will be healthy. Any foul play is subjected to Point 5.
15. You won't worship me. We are friends. We have no religion.

What's all this rubbish they taught me?

2009-02-03T00:40:00.005+05:30

Rock-a-bye baby
on the tree top,
when the wind blows
the cradle will rock,
when the bough breaks
the cradle will fall,
down will come baby,
cradle and all.

Can you get more negative?

Why didn't they just tell us the baby and the cradle was safe all through. And who leaves a baby on the tree top anyway?

Then we have our dear Humpty, who's only sitting on a wall and chilling. But they tell us,

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall;
All the King's horses
And all the king's men.
Cannot put Humpty Dumpty
Together again.

Why? Why all the negativeness?

They don't spare dear Jack and Jill who simply go up the hill to fetch some water... but NO, They throw them down too.

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To fetch a pail of water,
Jack fell down and broke his crown,
And Jill came tumbling after.

Then, they even threw us all down...

Ring-a-ring-a-roses,
A pocket full of posies;
Hush! hush! hush! hush!
We're all tumbled down.

Here's what people think of the poem!

I ask why?

Why didn't the baby just sleep on his mother's lap?
Why didn't humpty have a breezy evening and safely get back home?
Why didn't Jack and Jill bring back the water safely?
Why did we all 'tumble down' when playing?

Why?

They should seriously write Positive stuff.

You get the picture.

I can't believe I was taught all this!

When Naaz met Dev - Part 3

2009-02-01T20:34:00.001+05:30

At least I thought he was smiling. He was still glaring at me.

'Why are you glaring at me?'
"Why shouldn't I?"
'You make me uncomfortable...'
"You made me nervous"
'I did? When?'
"By standing right in front of my eyes"
'It was not intentional plus you were not even looking at me'
"I did it on purpose... whenever I looked at you I felt funny"
'Oh'
"Yes"

"Naaz?"
'Huh?'
"Dev has been trying to tell you something for the past 2 mins, where have you been madam?"
'Huh? what?'
"Are you OK Naaz?"
'Yes yes. Yes I am.'
"Spaced out again?" he asked.
'Yes kinda.'
"How did you like our performance?"
'Oh it was awesome. You play the guitar so well'
"Thank you."

It was so weird. Just sometime back Dev and I were having a conversation. But here he was talking to me as though nothing had happened.

I must be mad. Mental dialoguing. That's normal!

"What say Naaz if we go and grab a bite?"
'I want to watch the rest of the show.'
What the hell did I just say?
"As you wish."
'Owwwwwwwwwwwwww' Bhargavi pinched me hard.
"Just what do you think you're doing? Why don't you go with him?"
People were looking at me and I pretended to enjoy the show. To cover it all up I yelled again, to make people believe I was actually cheering the band.
"What a loser!"
I looked at Dev. He was simply listening to the music and composing mental notes and playing it on his invisible guitar.
'Dev, let's get something to eat.'
"Are you sure?"
'Yes.'
"Come lets go" jumped Bhargavi.
'Why are you coming?'
"I'm sorry is this a date? And I'll get lost here you fool."

We walked in silence. As though Dev had just proposed. And I had just said yes.

WTH. It was food after all. I was going to gorge on it once I saw it. I'd forget his very existence at that moment.

I prayed I don't hog and spoil my reputation.

"Frankie?" He asked
'No I'm dieting.'
"Whoa!" Dev and Bhargavi cried in unison.
'Yah. What's the big deal. I'm trying to lose some weight.'
"Yah right. You do have a fat... ego!" Bhargavi screamed. "Do they have diets for all this?"
GRRRRR
"Ok chill. What do you want to eat Naaz" Dev spoke softly.
'I'll have some juice. Pome'
"I'll get it. Bhargavi get me one chicken tikka frankie please while I get Naaz her drink."
"I'll do that."
She started walking up to the counter but I stopped her.
'I'll get it for him.'
"Oh the Loves!"
'BLAH BLAH.'
One chicken tikka frankie please.

He was frying the thin egg paranthas on the pan. The yummy aroma of onions and chilli and chicken tikka applied on the fried parantha and rolled into the delicacy just made my mouth water.

"Ah Naaz, here's your drink."
'And here's your frankie'
"Thanks a lot!"
'No thank you. We're friends.'
"Oh the philosophy!"
I blushed.

"I've never tried Pome juice ever." Dev spoke.
'Ah you must try. It's good.' I said sipping.
"Ok." and he looked away.
Bhargavi gave me the looks.
What?
Learn to share!
Ohhhh!
Ohhhhhhhhh.
'Erm, do you want a sip?'
"I don't mind." He said and took a sip.

He took a sip. From my straw. The very same straw.

At this point I should have probably felt happy or funny or get that really weird feeling you usually get.
But I did the most silliest and stupidest thing any girl would do, and I had to suffer the consequence of my action for a long time to come.

I threw the straw.

Pledge...

2009-01-23T23:11:00.003+05:30

I'm ashamed to say this but I forgot our pledge! (tch tch) If you've forgotten it too, then no worries. I'm posting it here. You can go ahead and learn it by heart, again! :)

India is my country and all Indians are my brothers and sisters.
I love my country and I am proud of its rich and varied heritage.
I shall always strive to be worthy of it.
I shall give my parents, teachers and all elders, respect, and treat everyone with courtesy.
To my country and my people, I pledge my devotion.
In their well being and prosperity alone, lies my happiness.

The List!

2009-01-16T19:20:00.002+05:30

I'm really bored and I thought I'd make this really weird list. It's weird because I'm actually making a list of blog posts that are still waiting to be published but alas, they have only post titles, absolutely no content! So, here's the list of posts titles that will probably never see my blog space ever!

1. Finally! I can breathe!
2. I want to know...
3. Why?
4. Being an IIM Grad's GF
5. Back to college
6. Better living? How?
7. A Lesson
8. I don't belong
9. I'd like to believe I'm lucky!
10. Sixth finger and crap-in-the-mouth expressions - Ah, this post has definitely got to do with drinking and smoking...
11. I suddenly remembered - LOL! I probably desperately wanted to write something I suddenly remembered but obviously I forgot! lol
12. Peanuts attract Monkeys - I want to work on this one!
13. What do we really want to do?
14. Stop comparing
15. Air trips
16. Priorities
17. Taare Zameen par
18. I have to go on a vacation
19. This year
20. And it was not even funny... - I wish I knew what...

well...

Pongal!

2009-01-14T23:34:00.004+05:30

I always get stares from people when I tell them I celebrate Pongal. Like Christians are not allowed to celebrate the festival. Who says Pongal is for Hindus? Pongal is so NOT a religious festival. We don't perform the Pooja and other formalities but c'mon we celebrate the harvest season too, by eating of course! :D :D
For that matter my family celebrates all the festivals. Except the 'only-pooja' oriented ones. We make all kinds of sweets and festive dishes. There's no dearth for good food in my house :D

I got up from my sweet sleep and my parents had already prepared breakfast, Ven Pongal, Chakkarai Pongal, Vada, Sambhar, Chutney, Sugarcane and banana!

This is bliss!

Have you smoked?

2009-01-14T23:33:00.000+05:30

Yeah well, I meant the candy cigarettes we used to get our hands on so easily in the 80s and 90s. I recently became a fan of Harnik Phantom Sweet Cigarettes on Facebook. These candies are a part of my many childhood memories.

I still remember 'smoking' these cigarettes in the December chills of Delhi. I was a student here. Yes, I am a Fransalian. Every morning we'd have to go in for an open assembly in the school grounds. Winters in Delhi is no ordinary time. You freeze. My mother would literally wrap Herbert and me in wool. Delhi has been the only place I've worn 3 pairs of socks at one time! I remember being a very quite girl in class. But I remember being an animated speaker. I still am.

So, one day, I took these cigarettes to school and shared it with my friends in class. I remember telling them how yummy the candy is and also how cool is to have been shaped like a 'real' cigarette. How silly, but which 'real' cigarette has a red tip! So we decided that if it was shaped like a real cigarette then we'd even smoke in the real style. Each of us took one candy each and hid in our pockets. We got ready for the assembly. Once outside, we took out the candy cigarette and smoked. And puffed. It was amazing how the cold breathe we let out of our mouth resembled a cloud of smoke. Just like smoking for real. But smoking for real sucks. And I'm not a hypocrite to say it without having tried smoking!

Funny, how we kept hiding the candy whenever we thought someone was looking at us. As if we were smoking a real cigarette. Well, its a totally different issue that even if we were caught eating a candy we'd have to run on the grounds.
So we smoked a cigarette, even if it was only a candy. Such cheap thrills.

I'm wondering if these friends from school whom I have lost contact with for long, smoke for real now! May be. May be not.

Do we still get these here? If only I could lay my hands on one packet... I'd preserve the packet for my kids to see. May be freeze one candy too.

Such preciousness. Childhood.

WHY??

2009-01-05T23:22:00.002+05:30

see when I'm on my way to college I draft very beautiful posts in my head with really good titles and all that... when I'm in class I keep thinking about typing it out and posting it and then feeling good about it and all that... and the minute I reach home and sit in front of my computer, I forget every word. I don't remember a single word. Like it was meant to be a part of my head only.

What ya?! Che.

2009

2009-01-02T14:02:00.004+05:30

... I was wailing on the 1st of this month/year for a stupid mistake of mine... You see what a lousy start I had to this year...I sat on this post 30 mins ago... and I did everything but type! I'm so lazy.

Some things never change. They say that right? Well, they're wrong!
I'm right on path on losing weight. Seriously, quitting work helped a lot!
It's no joke being a student. And not just another student. A PR person. You have to read, read and read more, understand, write for things, write on things, basically just write, run up and down the stairs, work hard like crazy hard, push yourself real hard b'cos sometimes you feel it's better to quit than continue, watch TV to understand the needs and wants of customers and consumers, understand differences between consumer and customers, study communication models, stay awake at night, forget lunch - everyday - deliberately...it's not easy! You tend to lose weight! I've no regrets!
I guess running at nights also helps...

Coming back to what they say. Some things never change. You know what? They're actually right.
I'll always be a procrastinator. It'll never change. I love doing my work that way. I do it well too. Well, not always. But most times, my procrastination has been my formula for success.
I know it's too early to talk about success and all that. I'm still far from narrating my success stories to people. Let's wait for some more time!

So, only change is constant. They say that.

BTW, who the hell are these 'they'?

Happy New Year 2009 to you all! I hope there are blessed changes in your life!

When Naaz met Dev - Part 2

2008-12-23T11:17:00.005+05:30

I couldn't sleep that night. I was in no mood to answer Bhargavi's call either.
'3 missed calls' I read
Let that be...
I just couldnt stop thinking about Dev...he was not exceptionally good looking, he didn't have silky black hair or a fair complexion... nothing about him was mind blowing... but he stole my heart
he had the most capturing smile I had ever seen in my life... soft and deep, he had the best dimples in the whole wide world, one on each cheek. It blew me away. I don't remember anything of him except for those little dimples on his cheeks... I got up from my bed and looked at myself in the mirror... and smiled, no dimple...
I put more pressure into my smile... still no signs of a dimple...
I tried harder and harder till my cheeks hurt and my lips turned pale... and I gave up!
sigh, guess you have to be born with it.
my phone sounded just then and with that it fell on the ground.
damn you vibration mode.
'1 new message' it read
Naaz stop thinking about Dev and call me back

'What the hell is it Bhargavi?'
"Yeah you're annoyed that I knew what you were upto."
'Yes precisely. WTH! OK tell me what's up?'
"You wanna go to IIT tomorrow?"
'No' I said but my heart yearned to meet him once again
"Of course you want to. Stop pretending. Let's go tomorrow too. We will rot at home otherwise."
'I'm not sure man'
"OK you think about it. Tomorrow there's going to be a light music event and your dream boy is going on stage. Bye."
'WHAT?!!'
No response
'Hello? Hey I'm coming.... we're going... hey...'
I messaged her back.

I couldnt contain my feelings anymore... the very fact that I was going to see him again drove me crazy... I saw myself smiling again, but again there was no sign of a bloody dimple.

I dont remember when I fell asleep but I woke up at 6. 6 AM! I had never seen day at this time ever in my life before.
"Today there's going to heavy rainfall , thanks to you Naani" my mum spoke with glee.
'sad joke mum. where's dadu?'
"Morning walk. Nathan's gone with him too. Plan on joining them?"
'You think? I'll sit on this swing instead.'
"Lazy butt. Go brush and freshen up."
'ya ya ya. You go na mum. let me be.'
she gave me one knock on the head and walked off.
'Ahhhh... mum... you're such a kid.'
"with you monkeys around... what do you expect me to be?" she spoke as she entered the kitchen
I loved my mum for her child like heart. She always treated me like her friend and I never hid anything from her as though she was my gossip mate of sorts.
"Mr. Zachariah. I think there is going to be heavy rain today. I see the cause sitting right in front of me" spoke Nathan
"I have to agree my son. Your sister has stirred a storm by waking up so early. Are you alright Naani?"
'Dadu you too? Nathan I understand is retarded but you too? che che... what a shame!'
"You dont call me retarded you mother of retard society"
"Ok stop it you both." my dad spoke "tell me child, how did you wake up this early? are you alright?"
'Yes dadu. I am' I spoke hugging my dad who had started resembling a panda bear.
"She must be in love" Nathan spoke hurriedly and gave me a knock on the head.
I was petrified. I had not even started behaving like I was in love and this guy speaks my head.
"If Naani ever falls in love, she'll get him introduced to mum and me first, won't you Naani?"
'Yes dadu. I will.'
"Come let's eat."
"Go wash first. Dirty boys." Mrs. Sarah Zachariah, my mum, ordered.

I was having my last Dosa when Bhargavi entered.
"Come in Bhargavi. Join us for breakfast."
"Thank aunty. I'll just have juice."
'I quickly poured some mango juice into my glass, leaving her very little but just enough.'
"Naaz you freak." Nathan jolted
'I love mango juice ok? Bhargavi knows it too.'
"Yes I do. this will do for me. thanks Naaz" she glared

I got dressed shortly and left to IIT with Bhargavi.

"Only you like mango juice? I like it too. You glutton."
'I don't care man. I love it more than you do. Everybody knows that.'
"How mean"
'tell me one thing...what are your thoughts on love?'
"waste of time and energy and money and friends and"
'OK that's enough.'
"Ok"

May be Bhargavi was right. Falling in love would mean losing your friends, your time, your energy, your concentration... but who is she to talk? She was not in love... how could she testify against it even without experiencing it?

'Erm Bhargavi I didn't bring my ID card today too.'
"No issues. Today IIT is open to all absent minded people like you."
'Ya right.'
"Let's head to the OAT, that's where the show's supposed to happen"
'Begin. Not happen.'
"STOP CORRECTING MY GRAMMAR" she screamed.

I couldn't hear anything for the next 5 mins.

We squeezed ourselves through the crowd and somehow made it to the front row. The MC announced the participating colleges and when she said 'Vincent De Paul' My heart skipped a beat. I was beginning to feel funny. Bhargavi nudged me and winked. I grew pink in tension.
After a long and anxious wait, Vincent De Paul came on stage. I saw him. Again. And I was almost about to faint. Standing right in front was not a good idea after all. He always looked at the last few rows. He was holding his guitar like he was holding a precious little piece of property. I wished I was the guitar.
"Let's wave at him."
'Are you mad?'
But she was already waving at him. Some guy behind Dev smiled back at Bhargavi.
"Yuck! Why is he smiling at me?"
I laughed out loud.
'you guys will look so cute together' I laughed
"enough. your man is staring at you."
My heart stopped beating. I looked at him and yes, he was staring at me.
shucks he thinks I am laughing at him or something.
Oh gosh... ermm... I tried smiling at him... he looked away
I was feeling so uncomfortable, I wanted to run away...
I looked at him again but he was smiling at the crowd behind... like I did not exist in the crowd... his performance was done and as he walked off the stage he did not even turn and look at me once...
'Am I invisible? Or am I ugly?'
"Invisible I'm sure you're not... ugly... hmm may be" Bhargavi joked
with that whatever little tear was beginning to form also vanished...
'OK let's go. I'm not liking it here.'
"You go. I'm here!"
just then some guy pushed me as he made his way through the crowd and stood right in front of me. I recognized the head. The shirt. The physique.
He turned back and smiled.
DEV!

May be Bhargavi was right. Love makes you lose... I lost myself.

I'm 23 today!

2008-12-21T15:05:00.003+05:30

and as always A has made this day very special for me.

No time now... will write back later...

when Naaz met Dev

2008-12-16T00:27:00.003+05:30

'What's taking you so long man Naaz, you moron?' Bhargavi screamed
"I'm coming... coming... coming..."
I ran down quickly with earrings in one hand, watch in my mouth and floaters in the other hand.
'What the hell are you wearing?'
"Why what's wrong with this Kurti?"
'Can't you wear something called a t-shirt? we're going to a rock concert for goodness sake!'
"I can't 'dress up' to see some stupid guys sing..."
'Stupid guys? What's wrong with you? It's IIT man... stupid guys don't exist there!'
"I don't care. I'm wearing this. It's final!"
'ok whatever. you cant ask a donkey to sing!'
"Yeah, because you can't speak their language"
'OMG I can't even laugh for this poor joke. Ok you want to take the merc or the corolla?'
"Well from what I can make out from a Honda Activa and a Kinetic Honda parked right in front of us, I'll say let's take the Honda Activa!"
'Ok merc is it!'
"Yeah our super merc machaa. Let's go."

The show was to begin at 6 ish. We started from my place at 4 sharp. On a Sunday the roads are usually empty, but knowing Bhargavi's riding skills, we chose to not take a risk.

"Bhargavi do you really like rock?"
'huh you think?'
"then why the hell are we going to IIT?"
'Guys. Hot. cute. Lots of them.'
"OMG. Not again. What's the point man. You'll look at them. No one will look at us."
'Ayee shaadappp' I was interrupted
"Ok they might look at you and then? you'll look. that's it! and then we'll get back home and talk about them. Arre they wont even realize we are exist on this planet!"
'What a waste load on earth you are Naaz. I'll tell you today you'll meet your man.'
"My man is invisible man. Doesn't exist."

We reached IIT at 5:30 PM. the place was jam packed...I'm sure I've never seen so many guys all together in one place ever in my life. It was like I was standing in a Savannah grassland, except the grass were guys. And Bhargavi was right. They were hot and cute.

"IIT rocks" I thought.
'Naaz..?'
"Yes Bhargavi. I like it. Let's go."
'What? stupid girl. we have to show our ID card in order to enter.'
"WHAT? I don't have mine!" I almost screamed.
'OMG Naaz. why do you always do this man?'
"What? I didnt do it on purpose. I tend to forget. I'm human.."
'That I know... oh shucks, we're in a mess man...'
"I'm so sorry man..." I was almost in tears. I didnt even get to see one guy up close.

'Excuse me? Are you planning on standing here forever or will you move?' A strong musk scented guy spoke.
'I'm sorry. Please go ahead.' Bhargavi spoke irritatedly.

But I kept still. I didn't move. I saw him and I knew. Bhargavi rudely pulled me away.
'What a mean guy.' she spoke.
No he's so cute
Anyway that's not the point. How the hell do we get in?'
"I'll ask him..."
'Are you mad? What will you ask him?'

I couldn't hear her anymore... I was walking towards my man.

"I want to go in..." I spoke...
'Yeah so go. Why you telling me that?'
"Huh? I want to go in with you..." I smiled...
'Are you nuts?' he asked me almost shaking me...
"Yikes! why are you staring into my eyes? where is bhargavi?"
'Girl... you need help!'
"Yes... I'm lost!"I smiled again...
'But your friend's right there' he pointed
Bhargavi stood there hitting her head hard against the tree. I was probably in a trance.

"Ok mister... I just spaced out ok? You don't have to act too smart. I don't have my ID card and I also want to watch the show. Ok? Ok? Ok?"
'Ok listen, just walk in with me... I'm a participant here. So I get to stay in campus and I'm allowed to bring in visitors. I'll tell him you're my friend and you can get in. is that fine?'
That is very wonderful my loverly man...
"Yes yes yes... that'd be great... super awesome... OMG... that's so sweet"
'Ok hold on...'
He spoke to the security at the gate and he gestured me to stand next to him. He smelled fresh. I was beginning to lose my self again...
'Dev Mathew' he said..
"Naaz Zachariah" I held out my hand
But he was looking at the security guy. What a fool I was. He was filling in details about himself at the gate.
Dev Mathew I thought...

'Hey...'
Dev Mathew and Naaz Zachariah... Nah, Naaz Dev sounds good... better Naaz Dev Mathew sounds nice... Dev... Dev...
'HEY...'
"huh? Oh I'm sorry... I was.. I was..."
'Not an issue... come on in... let's get inside!'
"Where is Bhargavi?"
'She's coming right behind you.'
"Thank you Dev."
'You're welcome Miss?'
"Naaz. Naaz Zachariah"
'Well it's to meet you Naaz. You're inside IIT. Have fun.'
You're leaving?
Don't leave... Please... please...
'Hmmm I should be going now...'
Noooooooooo.... nahiiiiiiiii...........

'Hey there, thanks a ton for the help.' Bhargavi spoke
'Chill. My pleasure. Take care of your friend.'
I want you to take care of me...
'Yes I will. Hey, which college?'
'Vincent De Paul. and you?'
'Oh we're from St. Clare's'
'Awesome. Hey I should be going now... Gotta practice...'
'Bye Dev.'
'Bye Bhargavi.'
He looked at me sweetly and spoke softly, as though I was a retarded kid...
'Bye Naaz'
but he winked...

No byes for us Dev...

'Let's go now Naaz... we're late!'

I turned back one last time... he was walking away... slowly...and suddenly he turned back too...

this time I winked back!

2008-12-15T22:40:00.005+05:30

who says you can't have a party without alcohol? who says you can't have fun if you don't bring in hot guys home? who says every post needs a title! :P

Ok, the point is I had a party at home sans liquor, sans guys and sans 'adult fun' and guess what, it was super fun! I had a Christmas Tree Decoration party at home and I saw all the 21+s become kids again! It was awesome... we played games like drawing with the paper on your head, blowing candles blindfolded, bluff and other crazy games... and then we had lot of food and of course, we decorated the tree.

My hands are aching all of a sudden ( no idea why) so, I'll just show you how my tree looks!

what do you call that?

2008-12-11T22:32:00.005+05:30

when I was in Hyderabad, I'd keep comparing the place with Chennai and crib about hyd not having this-and-that and all that...when I'd talk to someone about Chennai and hyd I'd tell them how much I miss hyd not having a beach... I'd tell them stuff about how much fun it is to go to the beach and walk and play and eat at the beach... I'd laugh at Hussain Sagar lake and tell myself, 'thu, ithu ellam oru water body' (translates into: they call this a water body?)
its been over 6 months since I got back to Chennai, and its shocking how I have never been to the beach once! not even once!
I mean, if I was raving about it so much and if I was an acting ambassador for marina beach, then the first thing I should have done after landing here, was to make a visit to the beach, which I obviously didn't!
for that matter, I don't even go to church these days (I SHOULD BE ASHAMED!)
hmmm... may be it has to do with the fact that I don't have company... or may be that I'm lazy or may be I'm too engrossed with college or may be because I'm not 'that' crazy about the beach after all...
I was probably just trying to create a reason for not liking hyd!

Dostana

2008-12-04T14:53:00.002+05:30

To some: Cute & funny
To me: Garbage well wrapped.

Like A says, 'the packaging was good.' Yes, the package looked absolutely stunning, but once opened all I found was rubbish!

Enough said!

we move on...

2008-12-03T22:31:00.002+05:30

whether good or bad... somehow we do move on in life... 'just because' people died in Mumbai we don't quit work and become a social activist... 'just because' all this happened we don't stop watching serials on T.V or stop eating junk or crack jokes or party... yes we lit some candles and 'they' condemned these acts... yawn... sadly enough, all this fire burns out in less than a month... because we move on...

'cos we have to!

even the bereaved family moves on... it probably just takes a little longer for them... I don't know if it is the beauty or tragedy of life... but the truth is we all move on in life, of course sometimes it hurts... may be 'cos the wound is only 'just drying'... I know it's nothing new...

but it does fascinate me... it's like regeneration in certain animals... when we lose some bonds, we do try to create another bond to compensate... consciously or unconsciously...

may be it's a beautiful truth.

Horror...

2008-11-28T21:50:00.003+05:30

This post is about the Mumbai blasts - well not exactly going into details - cos I suck at writing such things - well, whatever.

So, on a Wednesday, I stayed up till 3 A.M waiting for a very scary scene to end but it never did... it went on and on... if not for some trashing from my mother I would have stayed up longer...
Due to the rains here I didn't have work next day, so I promptly switched the T.V on, hoping the scene had ended, but to my horror, it was still there...
clearly, this has been the worst terror attack on Mumbai... It has been creeping me out... so much that I even got scared to go out for my walks...
On live coverage, I saw Hemant Karkare get out of his car, try on an ill-fitting helmet, wear a bullet proof jacket and then I thought to myself nothing is going to happen to him 'cos he is well geared and I switched to another news channel, and minutes later when I got back to this channel, I read 'ATS chief Hemant Karkare killed in encounter'... see, only after this did I realize the gravity of the situation... it must have been hell for the hostages and for the police men outside...
It is going to be hell for the city and the bereaved families...

one crazy reporter commented on the situation this morning, something like this, 'where is the spirit of Mubai? when Bangalore was bombed people did not succumb to the death blows but got up and resumed its daily activities... '
Was he on drugs or what? when by standers are shot and no one is safe in the city, does he expect people to take their bags and lunch and to go work? that stupid guy himself is not safe in the face of terror.
And what spirit is he talking about? Is he talking about 'mumbaikars' hitting non-mumbaikars claiming they were to be expelled from the city for extremely crazy reasons?
My question now is, where is that guy, Bal Thackeray, who initiated mumbai violence claiming non-mumbaikars were ruining mumbai culture? Now why doesn't he come out and say we don't need the army to help us out because only mumbaikars should help sort the issue? The coward.

even writing about him irritates me.

then today I received an email that requested all Indian youth to wear a black strip on their left shoulder to show solidarity in condemning the violence - in my opinion this is heights of stupidity- like the government will impose stringent laws, on seeing some black strips or like the terrorists will be moved by the step or like the traitors within India will hang their head in shame...

today, most of us are asking only one question - why? how? what?
Why is terror a part and parcel of our daily lives?
why are we not doing anything about it?
how can we stop it?
what are we to do?
is this out fate?

Actually, in what has been happening for the past 48 hours, there is an answer - kill the terrorists. I am actually impressed that we have been shooting down these retards as and when we capture them - that's what is to be done - instead of giving them the confidence that they can be captured for sometime and put into Indian prisons and later their brothers can cause havoc in other places and demand their freedom - kill them in one go. Of course, I'm not saying terror will die forever, but at least, they won't take us for granted. The irony is, even a terrorist is scared of death.

In fact, this is what we should do with rapists and murderers. Kill them all. Anybody committing a murder or rape whether Indian or foreigner should be murdered.

Anyways, Mumbai is going through a tough time now. I pray for the souls of the dead. May their souls rest in peace and may their families get enough strength to move on in life.

errm...

2008-11-26T11:01:00.000+05:30

I've kinda started writing my 'thoughts' here...

but I seem to be rather pressed for words ;)

Wierd happenings...

2008-11-20T00:30:00.003+05:30

Has it ever occurred to you that all of a sudden you start liking what you thought you would detest... In may case, I totally detested 'teaching.' I would never play teacher-teacher in my childhood and even if I was a part of the game I'd simply correct old notebooks or give stars for correct answers, but never really teach.
Now, all of a sudden, I like teaching. It may be temporary... I'll tell you why I like it though...
I'm interning at a NGO as a part of my course work for this semester and with all my gathered 'sighs' and 'grrr' I visited a NGO for the first time in my life...
First day, hated it. Absolutely!
Second day, I was pushed into teaching. I taught. Spoken English classes for the underprivileged.
Third day, I was taking classes for 2 batches.
Now, I take classes for 3 different batches.

Slowly, in time, I started loving it. I don't exactly know what made me like the whole thing. It could be, the kind of respect I earned, the eagerness in learning they showed, the spark each student had, the sense of responsibility the job gave me... it must be something.
The minute I enter class, my whole perspective of life changes. I see women trying to push themselves, to help run their families... I see girls who want to study in good colleges but don't have the money, I see women who don't want to be house maids but a home nurse or a car driver...I see the yearning...
I told them today, don't be scared to face the world. Be confident. If spoken English is your biggest fear overcome it. Speak it. Speak English.
It was echoing in my ears...something like this... 'if teaching, you thought, is what you hate...overcome it... teach...go and teach...'

It's so weird...

Tattoo - an eye sore!

2008-11-15T21:34:00.004+05:30

I don't know why there's such a craze for tattoos. The minute I see a tattoo I feel like puking. Some tattoos haunt me and even make me detest food for days. Especially facial tattoos. Yuck!
I find it disturbing when people try to flaunt it. I knew this person who tattooed her fingers...ewww... with tattoo rings... I don't get it... why wouldn't she buy rings and wear them instead of tattooing the same... The skin, after being tattooed, it looks absolutely disgusting... I pray you don't see it too close, becos you'll see ugly irritated skin cultivating around the tattoo...

Tattoos are like this permanent mark on the skin (luckily for some, it can be removed by laser techniques)... but it's like a big distracting black spot on a clean white sheet.

I don't know why, but to me, a scar and a tattoo look the same! May be the only difference is that a scar does not come in attractive designs :D

Bani. J of MTV has the most disgusting tattoo I have ever seen in my life. The tattoo itself is not bad but the placement of her Tattoo is (full length of her inner arms - both)... it's so disgusting that whenever I see her on TV I inevitably change the channel. It's sick!

I know slaves used to be 'marked' for identification and even animals bore names on their skin for commercial purposes... all that is ok... but how it all became a fashion symbol I don't know... and I've noticed something very weird about tattoos... their owners somehow grow around the tattoo. Their facial expressions, gestures, make up, hair do, attire, behavior, everything changes...rather, matches the tattoo...
may be the tattoo is just an identity mark...

ok whatever, the very thought of inflicting pain for changing your pigments and disturbing the skin surfaces irritates me.

may be I have a weird phobia - tattoo phobia!

Tagged by No Mute Spectator~

2008-11-12T23:29:00.001+05:30

Slighty edited it, 'cos the original version was pretty rough. I was in a bad mood :P Now I'm not! Yay! So here goes...

1. Which superhero/super heroine would you like to be for a day and why? Batman because he does not fly or do any ridiculous stunts... simply uses his head.

2. If you had one hour to teach an underprivileged child something, what would you teach? differentiate between a 'loving touch' and a 'harmful touch.'

3. Whom would you like to share your favorite chocolate with? A :)

4. Your choice for the Indian Youth Icon is... I haven't met anybody who qualifies to be one, but I respect Sarath Babu.

5. What would you do if your lover goes out on a “friendly date” with someone else? I will accompany him too! :D He he he

6. The most romantic thing your lover has ever done/said? - done! a super treasure hunt that brought me immense joy, lovely amazing earrings and changed my mood from 'angry' to super happy.

7. What would fascinate you more : A boat ride at night or a car drive in the alps? - If A cooks some good food for us, that would fascinate me... not all these faltu rides and drives.

8. When was the last time you swore and at whom/for what? - I don't remember. I kinda remember being told swearing meant sinning so I consciously stopped doing it... I guess...

9. The last person to make you smile and feel warm…I don't know!

10. Would you ever go out for a date with your ex? No!

11. Who is the person you would love to invite to your next birthday party cause you miss him/her (and you want a gift from that person AND that person has never attended your birthday before)? - Brad Pitt. Yes I miss him :P

12. You would be over the moon right now if… - my internship term gets converted into my sem hols!

13. Describe your gang of friends in three words - ultimate selling proposal! :D

14. If you held a time bomb in your hand standing in the middle of a crowded street which will explode in 5 minutes, you would…- I don't think the terrorist guy will trust me with his bomb.

15. The one bit of advice you would give your best friend…- Buy me lots of gifts. Yes, it'll make me really happy. Yes.

16. Your favorite one liner is … - No man can live as an Island.

17. Your favorite piece of electronic gadgetry is ... - iPod :) I'm going deaf FYI!

18. The one thing about your school that you really miss…- school itself... :( :(

19. Describe the person who tagged you in a single line…- writes from the heart, must be a beautiful person!

20. List of people you want to tag…
Anybody!

Lola asks...

2008-11-02T14:10:00.003+05:30

and they give the most nonsensical answers...

If you watch Lola's show 'Lola TV - General Knowledge' you'll know... It's unbelievable how some people can be sooo dumb!

some questions she asks:

How do fishes breathe? Which mammal can fly? The fastest animal?

And the answers:

- Fishes breathe through nostrils!! (:O)
- Fishes Don't have to breathe. The water has enough oxygen! (ROFL!!!)
- Fishes breathe through their fings! (WTH is a fing??!)

- The mammal that can fly is an Ostrich! (Yeah one's sitting on my window sill now!!!) LOL
- Sharks!!! (LMAO!!!!! Boy look at that mammal flying. The shark! LOL)

Fastest animal:
-Human being (it seems! Yeah!)
- Kangaroo! (ROFL!)

Man! See where the world is going!

The icing on the cake: On being asked what the currency of France is, someone confidently says, 'French!'

ROFL!

Tagging the self!

2008-10-24T23:25:00.001+05:30

Nandu says 'Anyone can take this up. I read way too many people's blogs to list just 6 people!'
Now, a very inviting statement for hungry tag lovers like me! :D
So, (shamelessly) here goes...

1. If your lover betrayed you, what would your reaction be? - will not be surprised... sidey creatures, the men!

2. If you can have a dream come true, what would it be? - will not disclose. But if my dream comes true, I will be a 'happier' person.

3. Whose butt would you like to kick? - mine.

4. What would you do with a billion dollars? - give it to my parents (if I'm still unmarried) else my husband.

5. Will you fall in love with your best friend? - No.

6. Which is more blessed: loving someone or being loved by someone? - Loving someone and being loved, equally, by the same person.

7. How long would you wait for someone you loved? - someone I loved? 'Loved' implying past and not 'in love' anymore, I'm sure to have crossed the 'wait' stage and moved on.

8. If the person you secretly like is attached, what will you do? - I really don't know!

9. If you could root for one social cause, what would it be? - banish religion.

10. What takes you down the fastest? - When I don't get the test scores I deserve.

11. Where do you see yourself in 10 years time? - looking at this tag and telling myself, 'This is so silly!'

12. What’s your fear? - Night. Sleeping alone.

13. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is? - No one tagged me. I tagged me myself. So I'm a tad crazy.

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married and poor? - Married and poor. Why, no man can live as an Island. I definitely need a companion.

15. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up? - wake A.

16. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously who will you pick? - hahaha. I don't think I'll ever get the authority to pick. Mostly, I'll get picked. By whoever wants to lose his life! :P :D

17. Would you give all in a relationship? - No doubt.

18. Would you forgive and forget someone no matter how horrible a thing he has done? - Yes.

19. Do you prefer being single or in a relationship? I have been single. I'm in a relationship now. The latter scores higher.

20. List of 6 people to tag: I would like to tag my 'A,' 'no mute spectator,' and anybody else who wants take it up.

Book of memories...

2008-10-08T17:08:00.003+05:30

I sat down in my veranda. It had been raining, continuously for the past 3 days. No regrets on that, since I'd got a day off. I took the newspaper, shook it for a second, slowly all the hidden leaflets and advertising pamphlets fell on the floor and I kicked them away. Most of them were unattractive works of some boring ad agency. I found the Subway menu leaflet, picked it up quickly and secured it under my stack of books. I thrived on subs on weekends.

As I sipped my tea, I skimmed through the newspaper. After 10 mins I kept it away and picked up a novel from the stack.

Thump.

Next I know, a hard bound book fell on my head. Ouch!

I picked it up and I connected with it immediately. It was my secret diary. I dusted the top. The logo, still intact, read: Diary 1995.

"Naaz take this packet of chocolates and distribute it to your new friends at school."
I don't want to.
"Ah. Your call."

I picked it up anyway, but without her knowledge.

My dad dropped me at St. Ignatius School. I saw the huge school campus through the iron gates. There were too many academic blocks and play areas and girls decked in green and yellow walking all about the place.

'I don't want to go in,' I wished aloud.

"There Naaz! Your new school. Aren't you happy?" my dad asked.
No.
"Naaz? Don't be scared. You deserve to be here. Remember you topped the entrance test. You will do well. Now go in" he assured me.
I looked at him. A tiny drop of tear rolled down my cheeks. But I quickly wiped it away.
"I'll come with you." he said

My father always knew what I was thinking.

We reached the principal's office. Sr. Agnes greeted us and my dad spoke at length about me. She walked up to me and told me, 'Naaz is going to be a bright student and make us all proud.'
My dad smiled and gestured me to acknowledge her good comments.
I smiled at Sr. Agnes. I liked her. She had a very calm face and I was not scared of this school anymore. I held her hand.
My dad waved us good bye and left to work.
Sr. Agnes walked me to my classroom.
As I stood outside 8-C, I was trembling and all shaky. I couldn't look up at my class. Sr. Agnes introduced me to my teacher and my classmates. One glance, and they were all snickering. I was dressed in a red and black frock and I was extremely intimidated by all the others dressed in the school uniform. I wanted to run away. Sr. Agnes smiled at me and left me to the mercy of my class.

I was sweating profusely.

"Go sit there" spoke Ms. Catherine, pointing at the second row from back.
The girl seated on the bench made weird faces but managed to smile at me. Fake.
I had to squeeze my way through to get to sit on that bench. Sandwiched between Rekha and Lavanya, I was feeling sick already.

"When is your birthday Naaz" asked Ms. Catherine.
'November 21, 1995' I spoke timidly
The class was roaring in laughter.
'She's just few hours old man' laughed Rekha.
I didn't' understand first. Later I realized. I was obviously nervous. That's why I blurted out the wrong year. I was embarrassed due to the reaction my class gave. But I was hurt when Ms. Catherine did not stop them and instead joined them in laughing.

Lavanya squeezed my hand and gestured me to sit down. I sat down, crying.
"Don't cry Naaz." she spoke
I looked at her and she was smiling, generously.
"Please don't cry Naaz. Take this."
She offered me a candy. I refused the offer. I stopped crying because Lavanya asked me to.

After 2.5 hours of history, and prose and geography, it was time for lunch. The whole class walked out in gangs. Only Lavanya stayed putt. I stayed back, because I was not comfortable yet. Besides, no one seemed to care to welcome a new friend.

Lavanya offered me her lunch. I noticed she had two slices of bread with strawberry jelly smeared on it.
'Is this enough Lavanya?' I asked
"Should be." She replied.
'I have lunch. Let me take it out.' I told her
"No no don't. You're not supposed to eat here." she said
Then why is she eating here? I wondered
"Only I can eat here."
'Oh.' I spoke quickly.

How rude. I thought she was being nice to me, but she is a bully. She eats here but does not allow me to do the same. No one sits with her because she is such a bully. I am such a fool to have thought she is nice.

I got up and walked up to the black board. I started drawing random figures on it. I'm not having lunch because of Lavanya. She promptly finished her lunch. I'll eat on my way back home. She had the nerve to tell me not to open my lunch box here, while she sat and ate like a queen.

I heard Lavanya moving benches to get up from her seat. God she is making too much noise, I thought. Why can't she get up without making so much noise. I turned back and noticed Lavanya struggling. Let her be. She finally made her way out. She walked towards the door. I found her walk weird. She limped slightly. Must have hurt herself, I thought.

She smiled at me as she passed by me. I smiled back coldly. I quickly looked at her feet to see why she was limping.

She limped away to the washroom. I followed her. Tears in my eyes. I understood everything.

I stood beside her while she washed her hands.

'I'm sorry Lavanya.'
"For?" she asked.
I ran away .

Lavanya will never be able to wear the same canvas shoes that helped me run from the washroom to my class.

I hope to never wear the wooden shoes that made Lavanya limp.

Oh God, I don't know who is normal. Whether I'm good. Forgive me if you want to. And thank you for these feet.

I wrote this prayer that night. Silly me, I told myself, as I closed the book.

Touching thought...

2008-10-01T17:58:00.000+05:30

There's one sad truth in life I've found
While journeying east and west
The only folks we really wound
Are those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know
We please the fleeting guest
And deal full many a thoughtless blow
To those who love us best.

- Ella Weeler

Naaz's dream...

2008-09-30T00:54:00.006+05:30

Dev said bye .. and I murmured ...

when you said good bye I was still in tears. you don't how much I cried. how would you know? I'm your torturer... sometimes love dies silently. may be my love died. may be you think so. but i know nothing without you.
you taught me how to smile.
you taught me how to laugh till i cried.
you always held me tight when i cried.
you always heard me.
your voice always brought me peace. i cant explain. you wont understand.
thank you for whatever you have done for me.
you know - i have never been so happy in my life.
you brought so much joy into my sad life. you dont know. you are my angel.
i wont hear your voice anymore.
it's like someone took away my ears.
i cant hear anything.
im crying now. you wont know.
im your torturer. i killed you.
i did not. but no one believes me.
tell them i did not.
please.
tell me i did not.
you are all i had in my life. i screamed when you didnt come here. i yelled when you didnt say nice things.
i was mad.
but i only came to you.
may be i shouldn't have come so often.
why is this happening?
you wont understand me.
im a killer.
im not.
i want to hear your laugh. its ringing in my ear. but im human.
i will forget.
i dont want to.
please. i want to hear you laugh. again.
forever.
i wont promise that i wont fight again.
but i promise to never provoke you.
i provoked you didnt i?
is a sorry enough?
what should i do?
tell me please. i will do anything. for you.
my world.
come back to me please.
im going mad. i dont want to.
i dont like it.
your voice is dying. slowly. but it is happening.
i dont want it to stop happening.
it shouldn't die.
what will i do?
im ashamed. i'm your killer.
i made you go mad.
i killed you happiness.
im a torturer.
im not. believe me
please.
you wont understand.
i have loved you truly. didnt i?
dont say no...
im not ur killer.
you wont understand.

you're my world. mine.
just mine.

I got up sweating...

Foreign Vs Indian

2008-09-29T00:43:00.002+05:30

X: Where are you studying?
Y: Indian school of some course (with much pride).
X: Oh! (sounding yeah-bleh-thoo!)
Y: and you?
X: I'm going to pursue a bleh bloo course at the crappy uni in the crappy state of the crappy country. Foreign degree!

My foot!

On inquiring about future plans for studies, another 'Y' tells me - I'll do a degree only in the foreign land else I'd rather continue working!
I asked her - not looking for options in India?
She says, 'No. Only foreign. I want to go abroad.'
me: Are you saying options are better abroad?
Y: Nah! I wont' even look for options here. India is boring. I'll go abroad.

WTH ya. I feel like slapping such people.

What's with the notion that Indian degrees are useless? I mean, it's ok if people go abroad b'cos course structures are good or exposure is better or even pay is neat - but not when they say Indian degrees are boring or India itself is boring.

When I tell people that I'm pursuing my masters in a college in my city, some of them go, 'why didn't you go abroad?;' you didn't get anywhere else a?;' 'Cha so sad'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and some of them even say, 'her life is so boring. stuck in India!'

and some of these irritating ppl, compare my profile with others saying, 'ah Sheeba went abroad. Smart girl. why didn't this one go?'

meanies! Seriously, who gave them the authority to provide people with certificates? lol!

anyways, not digressing too much. let's get back. Yeah, so some people think it's demeaning to pursue a course in India. Oh, I almost forgot, it's a trend now that if you're rich, you automatically qualify to study abroad. Sigh! So this guy Ank I know, goes to Melbourne 'cos he's rich and nothing else. He's gonna get back to Ahmedabad to assist his dad in their family business, but, ' I want a foreign degree yaar' he says!

may be he can flash the 'Melbourne' tag to his prospective partner. Ya what else can it bring? 'My husband studied in Australia you know?' she can share with her kitty friends! lol!

Sigh man!

Ok people, stop thinking Indian degrees are useless. Some of the best research is done in India. Some of the most brilliant students have the most the prestigious IIM and IIT tags. Some of the most creative ppl come from places like NID.

So you see, it's not where you study, but how you study. And, why be ashamed of India?

Poor India didn't do anything. It's getting enough bolts and stabs from its brother. Why stab it further and label it boring?

Study well all you 'faar-rin' degree holders! :P

Just becos...

2008-09-29T00:11:00.000+05:30

I don't have any bloody topic in head - I'll tell you about my past - work life - to be precise.

If you use the internet regularly and if you are a crazy, almost psychotic 'searcher' like me, you'll find my ex-company's logo staring at you on the face - Google to say! Yah, that's where I once worked.

When I entered Google I thought I was mad to join this place b'cos everyone looked like they'd woken up from sleep and just walked in - serious - I'd never imagined that they took the term 'casual' so seriously - if you spot one formally decked guy there, I'll garland you.

When I looked around I noticed food everywhere! EVERYWHERE! On work desks, in the shelves, in the cafe, over laptops, in the refrigerator, every piece of area fit to be a called a 'nook' had food! (Well that explains why gravitational force is harsh on me)

I imagined Google to be quite sober, fingers furiously dancing on keyboards, heads turning around occasionally may be for another sober discussion - it was everything but this!

Google is probably the most liveliest offices one can work in. It has generous splash of colors on walls and floors and chairs, interesting murals, huge resistant balls you have to save yourself from, bean bags in bright yellow, red, green and blue, themed decorated cubicles, exclusive furniture and weirdly fascinating decor and much more.

And the best part is you don't have to work! You just come and enjoy yourself and go! How cool!

Are you mad?! Though, I wish I could say that :P

With all the fun and frolic and blah blah blah, we did have work ;) Of course I chose to not work! that's a totally different story - let's not get to that :P

I met so many people there. I came to hear of and witness some extremely 'yucky' situations people got into, interacted with some warm people, made few friends and as far as I know, I did not make any enemies.

Anyways, there are a lot of good memories attached to this place, but of course, everything can't be rosy. I did have some unpleasant memories and events. It was like someone was weighing me a weighing scale. The needle would fluctuate between 'good times' to 'crappy times' with high oscillation speed.

I came out of it. For good. I must confess that my work experience in terms of the people and the management and the work, has taught me a lot. I use these lessons in my daily life. While studying, while conversing. Google probably is a dream company for many, for me it was just a part of life. I never took it too seriously becos I always knew it was not 'the' place for me. It held a place in my heart but it never conquered me.

Somehow, getting back to college has made me happier. In terms of performance and knowledge.

Happy B'day Google!

Thanks to you, I get my assignments done on time! :)

I love Homer Simpson!

2008-09-27T22:26:00.005+05:30

He's just too funny... It's funny I used to find 'The Simpsons' weird when I was young, but I love them now. They're soo funny! My favorite is Homer Simpson (the father and the patriarch of the Simpsons clan)... he is just amazingly dumb and hilarious.

Some laughs:

Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.
-----------------------------

Homer: There's your giraffe, little girl.
Ralph Wiggum: I'm a boy.
Homer: That's the spirit. Never give up.
-----------------------------

Bart: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, not quite a puppet, but man... (laughs, then pauses) So, to answer you question, I don't know.
------------------------------

Homer: What's a wedding? Webster's dictionary describes it as the act of removing weeds from one's garden.
------------------------------

Lisa: Dad, don't you think you're overreacting?
Homer: Don't you think you're *under*reacting?
Lisa: This conversation is over.
Homer: This conversation is *under*.
Lisa: Goodbye.
Homer: *bad*bye
-----------------------------

Homer: Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
-----------------------------

Lisa: I'm an ugmo.
Homer: Now, that's not true. You're cute as a bug's ear.
Lisa: Father's have to say that little stuff.
Homer: Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?
Grandpa: No. You're homely as a mule's butt.
Homer: There. See?
------------------------------

Colors...

2008-09-25T23:32:00.006+05:30

I visited Mylapore this evening to learn photography and take random shots - we're learning about color and all that - and my goodness, that place is drenched in color - in view of Navratri celebrations - it's just too amazing and a shame that I cannot describe it in words - sigh - but I can show you some pics - any comments on my photo skills are MOST welcome! :D

Why?

2008-09-23T08:05:00.002+05:30

When I know someone I like and love is coming, I keep waiting outside my door - and they never turn up. The minute I get back inside my house - the door bell rings!

WHY??!

I keep wanting to come...

2008-09-23T07:56:00.004+05:30

... but my college holds me back...aargghh!!! I haven't been around for sometime now - was stuck in a village for a survey and the week before I left I was held up preparing for the trip, and the like... I missed A terribly and more so b'cos while I was away he was very much at home - came down to meet me - call it fate!

There is someone else I missed too during the hectic hours of my life - this niche of mine. I missed it sooo badly - every time I saw something or heard something or spoke to someone I'd imagine myself blogging about it -

my college is keeping my hands so full that I can hardly pursue 'other' interests - I probably can compromise on the rest - but never on A and this blog! - they form a very integral part of my life - I realized! (the former I always knew!)

Not blogging makes me feel I'm giving away a part of me - and why would I do that -

So, I'm kinda back!

:)

Rock On ROCKS!

2008-09-12T22:09:00.004+05:30

Watched it with SH at Sathyam Cinemas, today. I was visiting this place after nearly 3 years and boy, was I surprised. The whole place has changed (for good). Even in its not so bright days, Sathyam Cinemas was my 'the' favorite theater. It's become chic now and very much in competition with the other plush cinema houses. Okay, let's Move On to Rock On! :P

(May contain spoilers)

The plot is very simple - the movie starts off with the band 'Magik' performing the hit number 'Socha Hai' live - the band comprises four friends - Adi - Lead vocalist (Farhan Akhtar), Joe - lead guitar (Arjum Rampal), Rob - keys (Luke Kenny) and Killer Drummer a.k.a K.D (Purab Kohli) - the next scene shows their lives 10 years down the line - Adi an investment banker, is married to Sakshi (Prachi Desai) is basically doing well in life but Sakshi is lonely and feels she is living with a stranger, Joe is married to his GF Debbie (Shahana Goswami) and tries to make ends meet by playing his guitar at weddings and clubs, K.D assists his dad with their jewelry business, and Rob works with Anu Malik composing jingles for TV commercials - the four of them though not together as a band are inevitably inclined towards music -

Sakshi finds out about Adi's past, his band et al from his pictures that he has safely kept in the loft - she wants to see the happy Adi again and decides to reunite 'Magik' - K.D and Rob meet Adi at his 'surprise' birthday party organized by Sakshi - Adi is not very happy to meet them - Sakshi and Adi get into a misunderstanding because Sakshi knows Adi is not the same happy guy anymore and he is always keeping her way from his life - Adi admits he is running away from his past - Sakshi goes away from her house - Adi talks to Devika (Koel Purie) about the tiff Sakshi and he had and she tells him that he should probably stop running away from his past -

The past - tid-bits of the band's past are sewn with the picture - the band participates in the Channel [V] Launch Pad that wins them an opportunity to launch a rock album - however they discover that they are going to be 'directed' and their originality will not be showcased - Joe does not want to compromise on the band's originality and hesitates to sign the contract - but since everyone else is willing to make the compromise, he also signs the contract - during the shoot of a song, Joe gets in to an argument with Adi and hits the director and Adi - that marks the end of Magik's magic! - this explains Adi's aloofness and gloom - and the present gets clear!

of broken dreams - aspirations at peak and suddenly - one day - you look back and join the dots - again -

- Adi gets back to his friends - they meet up at their usual garage and sing their songs - Adi requests Sakshi to get back home and when she does she finds 'Magik' reunited and singing songs - this goes on for long - meanwhile Rob is diagnosed with brain tumor and his days are counted- Debbie is unaware that Joe has gotten back with his friends - she finds him a job on a cruise that is leaving on the same day the band is performing one last time for Channel [V] launch pad - Debbie finds out that Joe is planning to participate in the contest and talks to Adi about it - she informs him that Joe will not come and he will concentrate on his job -

climax - very predictable - on the day of the contest Adi tells Rob and K.D that Joe may not come for the contest - along side this they show Joe leaving for the cruise - The band decide to go on stage without Joe - Adi sings the song that Joe once composed - while the taxi is stuck in traffic Joe hears Adi singing - and - yeah! he makes his decision -

'Magik' perform together - for one last time - before Rob leaves forever.

Some excellent music is the backbone of Rock On! - commendable singing by Farhan Akthar - good character portrayal by all the actors - good team effort - the movie really sustained the audience's interest and the tempo was good.

Overall: A rocking movie! Rock On, ROCKS!

a meeting...

2008-09-09T18:57:00.003+05:30

I was on my way back home from college. The same road, different people, heavy traffic, pleasant skies, and the usual eagerness to get back home... until that day I met someone. She drove past me and I glanced at her car. I looked away and continued my riding. She braked at the signal and I stopped my bike right behind her car. I couldn't see her face, but her hair style looked familiar. I strained to look into the rear view mirror of the car. I saw her eyes. My mind was starting to frame a picture. Before I could go near her, the signal went green and she moved away. But I kept following her and when she had to take a turn, she looked into her side view mirror and I saw her face. I was waiting for the next signal. But like luck had it's way, all the signals were open. Damn!

I kept riding behind her car and my mind kept speaking to me, 'Why are you following her?' I don't know. There were just two more signals to go before I reached home and I prayed it'd turn red. So it did. She stopped her car and I stopped my bike right next to her.

'Asha Miss' I spoke with hesitation.
'Hepsiba?'
I was overjoyed! She knew my name. She remembered my name.
'How are you ma'am?'
'I'm fine. How are you Hepsiba?'
'I'm good ma'am.'
The signal went green and I let her go. I rode slowly.

Class of 2003 - 'extremely noisy' - biology class - future doctors - 'nobody in this class is responsible' they'd say - Nuclear Physics - magnetism - sums - practicals - Asha miss can you explain transistor again? - Asha miss, I want 2 more marks - Asha miss free period miss, please - Asha miss I lost 10 marks - only 190 in Physics- :'( :'( - Asha miss we'll miss you - we'll miss school- ...

My memories of school came back. I remembered Asha Miss. I remembered Selvam Sir, Ritu Miss, Susan Miss, Mythili Miss, Sudha Miss... I remembered my friends, the fun, the tears...

I stopped beside her in the last signal - 'It's so nice to see you' - we said in unison - a weird silence followed - I hated this awkward silence - I wanted the signal to go green again - I looked away - I knew what was going to happen -

The signal turned green - and she left - and I rode along my way - crying.

As tears flowed down my cheek - I hit me hard that I'll never get back my school days again - ever - It hit me hard that it was better forgotten - it's memories always brought back tears - of joys - of things inexplicable -

I wish time stood still - I wish I was in school forever!

Reading 'The Kite Runner' ...

2008-09-08T10:30:00.002+05:30

Liking it so far, extremely good... stayed up till 3:00 AM last night reading, read few more chapters this morning, and I'm forgetting that I have to rush to college in exactly 30 mins!
After I'm done with the book I'll tell you what it's about...

:)

Happy week!

Back to square one!

2008-09-07T19:32:00.009+05:30

I remember posting here about how I've never studied in a co-ed institution ever and how it's highly possible that I finally will get to study in a co-ed institution for my post graduation!

Turns out it's never really gonna happen! I'm back to a college filled with 3000 odd girls~! :D

Actually it doesn't surprise me much... it's always been like this...

* When I left college after my under graduation I turned back one last time and told myself, 'I'm never coming back!'

* When I was in school, I'd pass by this college of mine and tell myself, 'come what may, I'll never do my under graduation here!' ...

* When everyone around me was falling in love and bleh bleh, I told myself, 'I'll never fall in love!' :P Rest is history!

* When my dad took us to Hyderabad for a short visit, I told myself, 'I'll never come here!'
And, well, my work pulled me there and I HAD to live there for 2 long years!!

This and much more... like the world is conspiring against me or trying to tell me something... I'm guessing it's trying to tell me, 'yeah, well, nothing is in YOUR hands Hepsiba!'

Oh and when I quit my job, I told myself,' To this place, I shall never return!.'

erhm! Let's wait...

Psst: That picture just shows how tired I am of all the games life is playing on me :P :P

Sunday times...

2008-09-07T10:50:00.004+05:30

Oversleeping - wake up call - for the nth time - brush and scrub - oops - bite tongue - no church - big mistake - ask for forgiveness - boil milk - make tea - biscuits - breakfast burp! - wash cup - put cooker on stove - boil water - rice - dal - fry potatoes - beat eggs - omelet - clean dishes - clean room - arrange books - fold clothes - blog - ...

folks out traveling and the maid dumps me!

Why?

2008-09-06T23:47:00.002+05:30

My weekends fly away in no time... my week moves at snail's pace! :(

why?

Why?

2008-09-06T20:52:00.004+05:30

The traffic signal is almost always red at every junction when I'm in a hurry.

Why?

The unposted letter...

2008-09-05T15:25:00.003+05:30

Dear R,

I don't know if I will ever post this letter to you. I read your letter again and again. Why did you write this line, 'you were such a nice friend to me. I really really miss you a lot. I love you.' My heart aches to read these lines.

I feel ashamed to say this, but I have not been a good friend. I lied to you. I left you because you told me about that man who harassed you. I left because you loved that man. I left you because my heart cringed on the thought that you had no choice but love that man. The man who knew you even before you were born. The same hands that fed you were now tearing you apart. I left you because I was scared that my worst dream had come true. I read about it in books. I never thought something like that could happen to a girl, a girl so innocent as you. I left because I was getting extremely depressed. I left because after you slept I would stay awake to make sure you wouldn't hurt yourself out of pain. I left because every time I saw your face I felt like crying. I left because I could not collect myself to talk to my parents and tell them I was depressed. I left because I loved you but could not bear the fact that you were going through hell. I left because I started losing my appetite and I felt disgusted thinking about that guy. I left because after you narrated the incident, you became your normal happy self again. You cried like a mad girl but in minutes you were laughing. I left because I was scared you were going to turn mad. I left because you showed me his picture. I left because I saw the smirk on his face and my stomach churned. I left because I was not able to count, concentrate, sleep. I left because sir screamed at me. I left because he mocked at me for being me. I left because his presence was making me tremble. I left because you said I'm your best friend. I left because I knew I wouldn't be able to manage.

I lied to sir that I got an admission for dental science. I still remember that sly smile on his face. I had no other choice. I was trapped. My only hope was this lie. And I couldn't' tell you the truth. I couldn't lie to you. I loved you but I was weak. I am ashamed.

I never became a doctor. I don't know if you are a doctor. I hope you are happy.

I hope you will forgive me like how you forgave that man.

Yours ever

Naaz

Have you fallen in love?

2008-09-04T17:50:00.003+05:30

Have you? If yes, then there's nothing unusual about you :D ... If No, WHAT!!?? Please tell me how??

Is it possible for someone to never fall in love with another person till they are wedded (considering wedding is the very act of connecting two lovers or prospective lovers)? I'm guessing it was quite possible in my gandpa's time (only guessing) but now, there's nobody in sight who has never fallen in love! Is it a good sign? I don't know... it's so weird. yeah, of course there's nothing wrong...

When I was very young, an 'affair' was a very bad word and whoever I knew never had one... so I thought. But now, being in an affair is like getting a monthly hair-cut. The new style looks good at first but then it's hair and it does grow and you come back to square one. Are you following this? err... whatever!

Divorce, extra-marital affairs, no strings attached, two-timing, ... I don't quite understand where I'm taking this to, but if you can really follow, you'll know it's all coming to one question - what exactly is love? - a feeling? a perception? remedy? a commitment? WHAT IS IT?

I'm confused now... because I wanted to convey something else but I ended up writing something else, and I don't want to discard this because I wrote whatever my mind dictated...

Bleh! Right, if you have never fallen in love with anybody till date (till date implies - you are not in your youth anymore or are in your prime youth and cupid has not struck yet), please contact me and I want to take your interview

Serious...

The 'why' I have an answer for!

2008-09-04T16:57:00.000+05:30

Why did I not do well in the exam today?

Why?

Because, I did NOT study WELL!

:( :( :(

so where did my ticket go?

2008-09-03T15:49:00.004+05:30

seriously... I haven't watched a single movie in the theater after my return from Hyderabad... actually, I haven't watched any movie - on T.V also... it struck me when A asked me if I liked the new releases... damn! In Hyderabad I'd die or feel sick if I did not watch at least one movie in a month! ...

You see... if you don't have the time you don't even realize that you've been missing out on something you thought was the elixir or life...

talking about missing out on something- why am I not shopping??? Why? How am I still alive?

Really...and where did my ticket go?